Rabu, 31 Maret 2010

Rocker Beck Removes “c” in name to Disassociate Self from Glenn Beck

Totally cool indie rocker, Beck, has had enough of being confused with Glenn Beck on the internet and is finally taking steps to disassociate himself once and for all with the name Beck. He has decided to revert back to his real name Bek so that his friends and fans no longer have to be subjected to the vitriolic message they sometimes are subjected to when they find their way onto Glenn Beck’s website by mistake.

To introduce the change, Bek is planning on hosting a free intimate “Re-Naming Party” in L.A. sometime in May. And, to make absolutely certain his fans no longer confuse him with Glenn Beck, he is re-releasing his hit “Loser” and dedicating it to Glenn Beck. Said a close friend, “Listen to the lyrics, man, it’s just so fuc*ing fitting you know? ‘Kill the headlights and put it in neutral, Stock car flamin’ with a loser and the cruise control. Soy un perdedor.’ So fuc*ing fitting.”

Selasa, 30 Maret 2010

New Old Age Replacing New Age as New Age-Old Age

In the blink of an eye, the New Age will be over, and the New Old Age will take over.  Sources close to the divine greatness himself known only as a whisper have confirmed that before the end of the second decade of 2000, the world, as we know it, will be changed forever. 

This gives us little time to figure out how the New Old Age thing is going to work or if we are even going to be taking part in it. For the time being, many questions abound such as: Will the New Old Age be in any way similar to the New Age? Is it a new belief system based on old teachings or, is it an old belief system based on old teachings or, is it a new belief system based on new teachings of an old nature? Why is it called New if it is Old?

Initial whisperings indicates that New Old Age just is, and makes perfectly clear that it is not a belief system in the current understanding, but something that will replace all the earthly belief systems as simply an age.

Said one early follower: “This truly is unbelievable, when you start to understand and follow it.”

In secret settlements being erected in caves somewhere deep in the mountains of Peru, new beings known as New Old Age Heralds or (NOAH’s) are busy channeling new beings into being. When the time comes, the means to do this will be taught to everyone on the planet who survives the New Old Age conversion. For the time being though, these beings are being kept in complete secrecy.

Minggu, 28 Maret 2010

"Arousal Man” Barred from Future Palin Rallies

Cliff Boehner, no relation to Sen. John Boehner, has a bit of a problem whenever he gets within 100 feet of Sarah Palin. He can’t contain his excitement and, in fact, becomes highly aroused. It is for that reason that Mr. Boehner is no longer welcome at any of Sarah Palin’s future rallies.

Said a Palin spokesperson, “You can always tell when Mr. Boehner is ‘front and center’ so to speak at Sarah’s feet because Sarah lets out a gasp and can’t concentrate on her speech. It really throws her rhythm off, to say the least.”

In Mr. Boehner’s defense, his friends and family say that Sarah would be hard pressed to find a more loyal follower. Boehner has been following Sarah Palin ever since she was first introduced by John McCain as his running mate in the 2008 elections and his family has gotten used to his little “problem.” In fact, now they just laugh and say “Cliffie’s got a stiffie,” and joke about being able to bottle that kind of enthusiasm.

“He’s really harmless,” said his wife, Carrie, of 28 years. “We’ve tried everything, therapy, medication, biofeedback, but honestly I’m not complaining. I just hope Sarah stays in the spotlight for many a year because honestly, I am the one who’s really making out on this deal.”

As for Mr. Boehner being banned from showing up at future rallies, Mr. Boehner claims that he’s willing to risk imprisonment to be close to the woman who makes him feel all tingly inside just listening to her voice. He admits, it’s not Palin’s message that forces his libido into a heightened state of alert. Boehner says it’s that nasally hum when she speaks that sends out vibrations straight to his core. “It’s the best sex I’ve ever experienced without actually physically touching anyone,” he claims.

Sabtu, 27 Maret 2010

Iced Tea Spiked with LSD Found at Tea Party Rally

A group of hippies, outraged that the Tea Party Movement is advertising their Saturday protest rally in Sen. Harry Reid’s hometown of  Searchlight, Nevada as a conservative Woodstock, decided to teach Palin and her cronies a lesson they’d not soon forget.

Disguising themselves as conservatives, tucking their long locks up into camouflage ballcaps, and spouting anti-Obama expletives, several older hippies infiltrated the rally and began spiking the community tea supply with real LSD.

Fortunately, only a handful of rallyers drank the tea before the prank was discovered. Of those who did trip out, it was like a scene right out of a Pink Floyd video. Joe and Marie Scottsman, a married couple in their 60’s began to strip off their clothes in front of everyone and declare to those around them that they were going to start an orgy and anyone who wanted to join in were free to do so.

Another elderly Tea Party follower was found wandering around in the surrounding desert collecting what he believed were moon rocks to sell when he got back to earth.

For an hour or two, there was total mayhem as the tea partiers passed around bad information regarding the spiked tea. “Don’t drink the iced tea from the Gulfstream down there over by the welcome tent,” said one PSA. “Do you know how many freakin’ Gulfstream trailers there are here today?” complained one concerned party-goer. Many others were confused in thinking that it was kool-aid that was spiked and not iced tea. Most everyone blamed Obama.

In the end, 47 tea partiers in all were being coaxed down by their conservative counterparts only to be told that they were now undesirable members because of their drug use, unintentional or not. Talk about a bad trip.

Jumat, 26 Maret 2010

Joe Biden Sits on White House Toilet…With Door Open…and Whistles

Washington, D.C. - “Clueless Joe” as they are calling him these days, seems to be losing it bit by bit, as he wanders through the White House talking to no one in particular and asking the maid if she needs any help. Seems Mr. Biden is finding it hard to keep himself busy as vice-president.

And the latest word from the staff is that Joe has no idea how unnerving it is to go past the 1st floor bathroom right off the kitchen and see him sitting there on the throne, reading the latest press releases and whistling a tune. “It’s getting to the point where we’d rather see ghosts in the hallway than to be subjected to this scene,” said one of the kitchen staff members. No one has the guts to say anything to him and when we see him in the hall, we just try and steer clear of that bathroom cause we know what we’re gonna see. It’s awfully upsetting.”

When asked to explain why Joe won’t close the door and give himself some privacy when doing #2, Joe Biden’s secretary had this to say, “Joe has been like this ever since I met him many years ago at his campaign headquarters. He’d come in, say hi to everyone, shake their hands, and then head straight to the can, door wide open, poll results in hand, and whistle some happy little diddy as he did his business. At first, we were aghast, but we later just got use to his quirkiness and, although I can’t speak for the rest of the gang, his unusual way of using the toilet no longer bothers me. Joe’s an outgoing, affable man, and he honestly just doesn’t give a crap (no pun intended) about being embarrassed about anything.”

Some say that this habit of Joe’s goes all the way back to kindergarten, when he’d ask to use the restroom between classrooms and sit there pleased as you may looking at the pictures in his ABC book, whistling as he made poopie, as he liked to call it, all while leaving the door wide open. He’d even yell hello to any kids passing through, that’s how friendly Joe was and still is today.

Whatever the reason, special assistants have been assigned to the “Joe detail” so as to head off any truly embarrassing moments that may happen when tour groups come to call. Their only purpose is to watch for Joe at any one of the bathrooms he frequents during the day and follow him to make sure his door is closed. Said one assistant, “it’s not so bad. We just follow him to the bathroom, wait for him to get comfortable and when we hear whistling, we just avert our eyes, reach for the door, and pull it shut so that all you hear is happy whistling on the other side. Everybody wins.”

Kamis, 25 Maret 2010

Pissed off Pope Issues Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Mandate to Media

Breaking news out of Vatican City has the Pope at the very core of the sex abuse scandal that is rocking the Roman Catholic Church, and the Pope is none too pleased about the fact that he can do little to quell the suspicions.

Evidently, writing a stern letter to the church leaders in Ireland and Germany and having that act reported on by the press was just not enough to call off the newshounds, and now, bigger and better stories seem to be hitting the wires almost continually.

In an effort to stop the “nonsense,” as he calls it, Pope Benedict has issued an official mandate from the Vatican to media outlets all over the world imploring them “don’t ask, don’t tell” anything with regards to the sex scandal, until the situation has had time to simmer down.

“Obviously,” said a Vatican spokesperson, “this is a private Church matter that can only be dealt with internally without the eyes of the world watching. As in the past, you can count on the Pope to do the right thing.”

Rabu, 24 Maret 2010

Should Kate Gosselin be Required to Pay Alimony to Jon?

With Kate Gosselin now bringing in a paycheck from appearances on Dancing with the Stars (DWTS), and Jon Gosselin still kicking around with no job prospects, it only stands to reason that he should get some of her money. I mean, let’s face it, he has 8 children to support and he can’t do it alone.

So, should he go back to court and ask for alimony? More than likely if he did, it would be granted and for several legal reasons, the strongest of which is that as the father of Kate’s children, he is expected to provide a stable environment for the children during visits and without the money necessary to do so, it could impact their overall well-being, both physically and psychologically.

But beside the legal implications of who should support whom, it is imperative that the children see their mommy as generous and kind toward their father and what better way to show that than to share her earnings with him. He was just trying to do the right thing by keeping his children out of the TLC spotlight, and by doing so, he cut off his only supply of steady income. That selfless act in and of itself should garner him at least a third or more of what Kate makes on DWTS.

Some may say that Jon is well taken care of by his current sweetheart and doesn’t really need the money; however, the fact remains that he is spending quite a bit of his personal time taking care of the kids while Kate is busy making a name for herself, and it shouldn’t matter who is making the money as long as the kids are under the impression that both their parents are well to do.

If nothing else, Jon needs cigarette money. Do you know how much a pack of smokes costs these days? With all the added stress of caring for the kids himself while Kate is off dancing with the stars, it would be unfair to ask him to give up the habit at this critical juncture.

So, the question, should Jon ask the Courts to grant him alimony from his working wife? All signs point to sure, why not? If it were the other way around, the question wouldn’t even need to be asked. And we’re betting Jon would be liked much better on DWTS than Kate anyway leading to way more money in the long run.

Craigslist Ad Looking for Master Catapult Builder

As recently seen on Austin Craigslist:


Group of Investors looking for experienced carpenter to build over-sized catapult sturdy enough to fling Rush Limbaugh all the way to Costa Rica and help him make good on the promise he made to leave the country if the health care reform bill became law.

Top dollar will be paid for the best design submitted.

You build the catapult. We’ll take care of the logistics of getting Rush into the damn thing.

Job Posting: 1639419
Location: N Austin

Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.

Please, no phone calls about this job! Show up in person with tools and plans ready to start building immediately.

Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. This is a very specific job that may or may not require some degree of knowledge about rocket science.

Selasa, 23 Maret 2010

Las Vegas Odds Makers Taking Bets on the “N” Word

Las Vegas, NV – Taking a sharp turn away from sports betting, Las Vegas odds makers are said to be taking silent bets from some of the top businessmen and politicians in the country on who will be the first high-profile personality to come right out and call the President the “N” word publicly.

Al Betz, the first bookmaker to come up with the plan, said that bookies early on thought it would be over before it started while watching the debates on health care reform Sunday. Said Betz, “There were reports of some protesters outside Congress throwing out the “N” word at black Democrats, but none of them were really newsworthy people and none of them were specifically calling the President a Ni**er, so we disqualified them.

The bets are focused on really well-known personalities. Betz continued, “We honestly thought we had a winner about an hour after the health care reform bill was passed when Rush Limbaugh vowed to take the President and his people down. He came ‘this’ close,” motioned Betz with his index and thumb just barely touching, “but he moved away from it. We could almost see the “N” word form on his lips, but he pulled back just in time and all that came out of it was a gnarly snarl that erupted into the word Nazi and then more spewing of venom.”

Other frontrunners getting lots of action include hot-headed Sen. John Boehner (R-Ohio) and openly angry Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-Texas) who couldn’t contain himself from shouting “baby killer” when Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Michigan) announced he was switching his health care reform vote to yes. These are the folks with deep-seated hatred who have let the heated rhetoric cause them to say audacious things without first engaging the brain. One bookmaker said he was just sorry that Jesse Helms was not in the running. “Hell, I think Helms would have shouted the “N” word first just to skew the odds,” he said with a chuckle.

An unusual politician getting a good portion of the action is none other than Harry Reid, who, earlier this year had Republicans up in arms when he referred to Obama as an articulate, light-skinned Negro. Although he apologized and said he meant his comments in the kindest way toward the President, the generational bias was palpable and some odds makers say that Reid may still let the “N” word slip, albeit not in a hateful way.

One other unusual contender getting quite a few votes is none other than Michael Steele, Republican National Committee Chairman, who is, himself, of African-American decent. In the case of Steele, a caveat has been added on any bets placed that say that he cannot win the bet if, when referring to Obama with the “N” word, he does it in a “brotherly” way such as referring to Obama’s ability to get the health care bill passed as something to the effect of “that is one bad-assed Ni**er what just got that bitch bill passed.”

Some other rules are that the “N” word can be uttered to a private group as long as there are enough witnesses to verify it being said, such as at a Town Hall Meeting, an RNC fundraiser, even a state or national championship BBQ contest as long as it is uttered by someone with clout.

However, the big money is focusing on a national television or radio broadcaster who uses the “N” word in context and vehemently live on the air. “That’s where the big bucks are gonna pay off,” said Hal Litzer, part-time bookie and president of the local NRA chapter.

As word of the bet becomes more widespread, there is the possibility that gamblers who have big money riding on it will call into shows such as that aired by Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck to try and elicit angry responses that will ultimately lead to a tirade where the “N” word is not only spoken, but spewed over and over and over again with no apologies whatsoever.

Senin, 22 Maret 2010

Pope to Pedophile Priests: Eat More Fish

Vatican – It appears that Pope Benedict XVI has had an epiphany with regards to the sex scandal that has continued to plague the Catholic Church—lack of fish in a priest’s diet can lead to inappropriate sexual behavior toward young men.

The Pope has asked the Vatican physicians to look into the possibility that since priests are no longer officially required to abstain from consuming meat on Fridays, the levels of mercury in their systems from lack of fish has dropped significantly. It is a well-known fact that mercury levels in one’s body contributes to high blood pressure and in most cases can only be treated with blood pressure medications that tend to suppress the male sex drive.

With fewer priests consuming fish these days, the mercury levels in these individuals have dropped, alleviating the need for blood pressure medications that typically have the side effect of causing a reduced desire for sex. In addition, the over-consumption of meat leads to more protein in the body. Protein is essential for a healthy sexual drive in the male body. The end result is that priests’ libidos are in full-swing again contributing to their unsavory appetite for sex.

In a review of the cases involving sexual improprieties, the Pope noted that only during the Lenten season was there a significant drop in complaints of a sexual nature against the Church, which confirms his suspicions. Fish is consumed in large amounts during much of February and into March and early April, but after that, the amount of fish consumed falls off dramatically and that is when complaints of sexual abuse begin to see a sharp rise.

The Pope has written a Pastoral Letter to all priests and bishops in Ireland and Germany requiring them to consume fish at least 3 times or more per week. “Abstinence now is not the answer. We must eat as much fish as we can to keep the blood pressure elevated so as to suppress our un-Godly desires.” Dubbed the “Loaves and Fishes Path to Salvation,” the Pope hopes that this simplistic approach to the Church’s most embarrassing scandal will be as effective as when Jesus was able to feed the multitudes of followers with just a few fish and couple loaves of bread.

When asked if this plan of action is a bit extraordinary considering the adverse medical implications it can have on Catholic priests, the Pope seemed nonplussed. On the one hand, if something isn’t done quickly, the Catholic Church may face bankruptcy. On the other hand, the Church sees this as an appropriate physical act of contrition. To them, it doesn’t seem like such a big deal to ask those priests who are having a hard time abstaining from sex to risk their health on a small scale to help the Church get back into the good graces of its parishioners.

Rumors that the Pope has a back-up plan to spike all priests’ food with chemicals designed to inhibit their libidos are unsubstantiated; however, an undisclosed source indicated that Vatican physicians have been “asking around” about chemical castration as a possible solution to the growing problem.

Minggu, 21 Maret 2010

Fox in Talks with Glenn Beck to Develop Cartoon Show

In an effort to reel in kiddies as early as they are able to watch television, the Fox Channel has begun the process of developing a Saturday morning kids’ show featuring Glenn Beck, ala Dick Dastardly-style, complete with pencil-thin handlebar mustache. While not yet written in stone, the name of the show is expected to be “The Tommy Truth-tacular Hour.”

What some believe is dangerous about this creative project, however, is the message that will be getting to children at such an early age. Face it folks, Dick Dastardly was no Barney, and Glenn Beck’s close portrayal of the character, expected to be re-named “Tommy Truth,” won’t be singing “I Love You, You Love Me.”

Yet, Fox insists that this is a children’s show whose time has come. Beck has convinced Fox that there needs to be an alternative to the namby pamby drivel that turns our youth into liberal whiney butts. What Beck, or Truth in this case, will do is give it to the kids straight. “There are no handouts in real life,” he’ll tell them. “You are not born privileged. You have to work for everything you get, so get used to it kids,” will be another message on board for the young viewers. Speaking of boards, Truth will have his infamous whiteboard present on the show going through the alphabet like a trucker on speed.

“A is for Anti”
“B is for Big Government”
“C is for Concern for this Great Country of Ours”
“D is for Damage Done by the Democrats”
“E is for Everything Else” he can shake a stick at.

Yes, Fox is allowing Beck to go after that demographic that has yet to be tapped, the young, innocent minds that have not fully formed any political preconceptions and mold them into Mini-Mes who believe they have a patriotic duty to adhere to the “every man or woman for themselves” ideology. An idea, Beck believes, whose time has not only come but should be taught as early as possible to our youth.

Talks are also taking place with Sarah Palin to co-star with Beck in the reprisal of yet another character in the Wacky Races series, Penelope Pitstop. She will be known as “Priscilla Patriot” and will be expected to bring to the show a message of patriotism every week. Priscilla will give a goodly amount of advice on how to compete in life and lessons such as taking down an opponent isn’t necessarily a bad thing but what will get you ahead, even if you want to quit a few times along the way. She’ll have a jeweled wand and will wish for things that the kids write in for, such as money, a spot on the junior cheerleading squad, or other such important desires.

When Beck was asked why the character is based more on Dick Dastardly and not Dudley Do Right, he had this to say “Do Right was obviously a progressive, always helping someone out of trouble. His kind shows a spineless lack of self-preservation that Dastardly embraced in everything he did. Dastardly got them before they got him. That’s what I want the kids of today to know--they can’t be in charge if they are worried about someone else. The sooner they learn to be their own bosses, the sooner they’ll learn to be someone else’s boss as well.”

Although the theme of the show sounds undeniably serious, there will be plenty of laughs as Truth carries on in Beck’s clownish style, arms swinging wildly, eyes bulging and voice going from cackle to crack up in seconds. The show is expected to leave children rolling on the floor in laughter at the antics.

Fox has yet to cast the role of “Stripe, the All-American Dog,” Truth’s scruffy side-kick dog based on Muttley, but someone with a wheezing cough, say a smoker of cigars, may just fit that bill.

Fox is hoping to have the cartoon show up and running in time for the new fall television season, so keep your eyes peeled on Fox, where you’ll find the nuttiest entertainment around. 

Jumat, 19 Maret 2010

Glenn Beck Wants Viewers’ Blood in Protest of Health Reform

Taking a cue from the Red Shirt movement in Thailand where approximately 50,000 protesters siphoned their own blood to throw on members of Congress, Glenn Beck is considering asking his viewers to have their blood drawn and sent to his show in vials to be used in protest of the current administration.

Dubbed the “Red Sweater” movement, Beck believes that bloodletting is one of the most appropriate forms of protest especially in association with the debate on health care reform. “One of the oldest medical procedures known to man can now be a symbolic form of protest for those of us who believe that the current administration is ‘bleeding us dry’ with their socialist programs,” said Beck.

Jumat, 05 Maret 2010

Sarah Plain and Entourage Spotted Stocking up at the Oscars

(I know...two Palin articles in a row...my humble apologies)

Early reports out of Los Angeles have Sarah Palin mit entourage stocking up on luxury items at the pre-Oscars Gifting Suite hosted by Silver Spoon; however a Silver Spoon spokesperson says she was gracious and kind while she was taking, not grabby like some have accused.

Some eye-witnesses disagree. “It was like a scene right out of the Ten Commandments,” said Mitzi Hermozen, a well-heeled vendor handing out luxury manicure products at the suite. “I mean, I live in a penthouse on the 22nd floor, so I’ve never really seen a locust, but what I saw kind of reminded me of that movie, only these locusts could talk and they were yelling across the room saying things like “Oooh mom, momm, mommyyyeeee, come here quick, lookee, they have Beach Bandals and they’re freeeeeee! It was quite horrific actually," said Mitzi, as she patted her golden coif.

Palin and her group were, of course, in Hollywood for Sarah to appear as a guest on the Jay Leno Show, and Bristol to tape a segment for the ABC’s popular show, The Secret Life of the American Teenager. Said another attendee at the gifting event, "judging by the way Palin was dressed for the Jay Leno Show, perhaps she should have stopped by the gifting suite first for a freebie makeover…tacky, tacky, tacky."

When Sarah heard what was being said about her and her group of about 20, her response was, “Oh for heaven’s sake, you mean they put stuff out there to take and then don’t want people to take it? That sounds ridiculous to me. If we didn’t take it, someone else would—or am I missing something here?”

Said Mitzi, "I overheard her telling her kids that they were going to give everything back to charity...oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth, just horrific."

Rabu, 03 Maret 2010

Succession and Secession Causing Palin Major Confusion

Sarah Palin speaking a few weeks ago at a rally for Rick Perry referred to news about Texans wanting to secede from the union, and said “…they got that wrong. Texas today, I don't think they're seceding, they are succeeding….”

Upon hearing of this, Debra Medina, the Tea Party candidate for Governor of Texas, called Palin to offer her services as a mentor on the differences between succession and secession, both terms being bandied about lately by the Tea Party movement and obviously causing Palin some confusion. In addition, Medina wanted to set Sarah straight on her (Medina’s) plans for Texas not to secede but instead restore sovereignty, a concept that may be foreign to Palin. We can only wonder how the lessons are going:

Deb: Ok, Sarah, here’s the first word. Succession, with two “c’s” and two “esses.”

Sarah: Oh, you mean like in success in running for office.

Deb: Well, sure, it could mean that, but we’re talking about another success, success-shun.

Sarah: I hate to tell ya Deb, but I’m not one to run from success.

Deb: Sarah, please, dear, focus. Now, for purposes of our lesson, the use of the word succession is improper. Nevertheless, lots of people in the Tea Party movement are using it to describe their desire to secede from the union, much like the idea you and Todd toyed with in Alaska. In actuality, the correct word is Secession, with an “e” not a “u.”

Sarah: What do you mean, Deb, I can’t be a part of it?

Deb: What?

Sarah: You said with an “e” but not a “you.”

Deb: Oh for heaven’s sake, Sarah, I said “u” not “you.”

Sarah: Well, if not me, then who?

Deb: Forget succession. It doesn’t matter anyway. Let’s talk about secession.

Sarah: I had those with all my kids.

Deb: What?

Sarah: C-Sections, way better than natural childbirth, I can tell ya that.

Deb: You have got to be kidding me.

Sarah: Do you mean “u” or “you” as in me?

[Deb gets up to leave.]

Sarah: Wait, Deb, where are you going? Aren’t we going to discuss your wanting to become Queen of Texas?

Deb (over her shoulder): What?

Sarah: Sovereignty. You said you were also going to give me a lesson on sovereignty.

Selasa, 02 Maret 2010

Glenn Beck Credits Himself for Predicting Recent Wave of Violence

In one of his many “I told you so” moments, Glenn Beck has commented that he is the first one to tell his viewers that violence against the US government by fed up citizens was going to start to happen.

Boasting a 100% accuracy rate, Beck claimed that he is a hundred times better at predicting things than any psychic. “For years, I’ve been telling my viewers how fed up they are and how screwed they should feel, and now, after this past election, how I thought things were going to get ugly. I was right on the money,” he said.

Asked if perhaps the things he’s been saying may in some way be construed by his more mentally unbalanced viewers as a “call to action,” Beck replied, “Look, I just calls ‘em as I sees ‘em. I didn’t vote the Socialistic Party into power, but now that it’s there, I think it is my duty to make people aware of what their futures are turning out to be if they don’t do something about the government taking their money and using it any way they want. I only wake them up, I don’t put them behind the wheel of an airplane, so to speak.”

In fact, just recently Beck was quoted as saying “Get as far away from the revolutionaries as you can” just days after the angry taxpayer flew his plane into a Texas IRS office building. A bold move for a man who has been pounding the message home that Americans are asked to foot the tab for a bigger plate in Washington. Perhaps he didn’t think anyone would take a rodeo clown seriously enough to actually “act” on something he said. “When I said we had to take our country back from the evil progressive movement, I didn’t really say how. I let people figure that out on their own. After seeing some of this violence though, I guess people might need some guidance from me so I’m preparing a ‘Plan’ to take back America cause I sure as heck don’t want to take the blame for folks misconstruing my good intentions.”

And then, as Beck wiped a tear from his eye, he exclaimed “I just want what’s good for this country gosh darn it, and sometimes I get a little over-the-top in what I say, but I just want every one of my viewers to understand that no matter how riled up I get them, I don’t want them to hurt anyone, not really.”

Senin, 01 Maret 2010

Largest Ever Coprolites Found Half Buried in Palin’s Back Yard

Last week, while Sarah Palin was busy making her rounds on the Tea Party circuit, expounding her views on who is and who is not a true Patriot, a group of Palintologists were busy digging up dirt in Palin’s own back yard. Reports are slowly coming in from Wasilla that one of the largest coprolites ever found was dug up just feet from Sarah’s back porch.

When Palin was advised of the find, she is reported as saying “I don’t know what the heck you’re talking about. I don’t have any corporate executives buried in my back yard, for heaven’s sake.”

Subsidi-Farm Granted USDA Contract to Develop Seedless Pot

Washington, D.C. – In what was hailed as a “good news, bad news” story today out of Washington, Subsidi-Farm, one of the nation’s largest agricultural companies, has been given a federal government contract to develop seedless, irradiated pot, which, among other things, will have a distinct yellow coloration to its leaves, instead of the more natural green color. Although seedless, the pot will have the same or better medicinal properties as that grown by private cultivators, due to the fact that all the plants processed will be female plants.

The good news is that the federal government is giving the green light to Subsidi-Farm to develop this particular strain of seedless marijuana for purposes of supplying it to government storehouses and eventually distributing it to the hundreds of marijuana dispensaries popping up in states that have passed legislation legalizing medical marijuana. The marijuana is said be far superior to any grown by private farms and completely safe for consumption by card-carrying medical marijuana users. In addition, the irradiation process will ensure the pureness and total consistency of the product without producing any long-term ill effects for its users.

The bad news for private cultivators is that this particular marijuana plant, known as SF-MM151 will become the only legal marijuana in the United States and will be strictly controlled by the US government. USDA is expected to hire and specially train several hundred special marijuana inspectors whose job it will be to regularly inspect medical marijuana dispensaries and “smoke houses” throughout the United States with the sole purpose of confiscating any marijuana which does not bear the trademark Subsidi-Farm bright yellow hue.

Medical marijuana dispensaries will be required to obtain both federal and state certification licenses, akin to liquor licenses, in order to dispense the government pot. Licenses are expected to run in the tens of thousands of dollars; however, when compared to the enormous amount of revenue one can expect to gain from owning a medical marijuana dispensary, the licensing fees are not expected to create any protests.

Already, growers in California and Washington State are attempting to duplicate Subsidi-Farm’s patented plants dubbed “mellow yellow”; however, none have been successful. A Subsidi-Farm spokesperson told us that the process whereby ordinary pot such as California Bud or Maui Waui is irradiated and colored naturally is a top-secret technological one and is virtually impossible to duplicate by even the most sophisticated pot growers.

What this all means now for the future of medical marijuana is that folks can stop fighting over their rights to use medical marijuana. Smoke houses and other marijuana cafes can stay open to dispense and offer a safe haven for medical marijuana users without the threat of being hassled by the local police, providing, of course, they follow the strict FDA, DEA, USDA, as well as all local government, guidelines for obtaining and dispensing mellow yellow from their storefronts. The distinct coloration of the pot will make it easy for agents to distinguish whether dispensary owners are trying to pass off artificially-colored pot for the irradiated Subsidi-Farm variety.

Some Republican Congressmen, especially those in states that have laws legalizing medical marijuana, see this as another attempt by the Obama administration to use socialistic methods to control yet another aspect of American life. Conversely, most Democrats see it as a logical step in the right direction, i.e. a solution to a problem that not only makes the majority of Americans happy, but also lines the government pockets with a much-need influx of regulatory fee money that can be used to fund other social programs hard hit by recent budget cuts.

President Obama is said to be quite proud of the fact that Subsidi-Farm and the US Government can work together toward a well-thought out compromise on the medical marijuana issue, freeing state governments up to focus their attention on more pressing matters.