Senin, 31 Mei 2010

BP Executives Now Understand Full Impact of Oil Spill Disaster


As millions of Americans are enjoying a three-day Memorial Day weekend, BP executives and crew must work around the clock to continue efforts to stop the flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico and at least appear as if they are trying to clean the waters and shorelines of the southern states affected by the oil leakage.

As one executive put it in a news conference on Friday, "This oil spill has affected us in ways you can't imagine. While everyone else in America is spending time with their families going to picnics and ball games, eating hot dogs and swilling beer, we are slaving away at work on this damned mess. It wasn’t until we heard one local newscaster tell another, ‘well, Paul, I’m off for a three-day weekend; have a good one,’ that it occurred to me that if we’d have only used a little more sense when designing and constructing this damned oil platform, none of us would be having to miss a holiday.”

When reminded that he was British and Memorial Day was an American holiday, the executive replied, “I beg to differ, but because we are operating this particular business within the confines of America, we are bound by America’s employment laws, which specifically state that we must take Memorial Day as a holiday, and we certainly wouldn’t want to break any American laws.”

Minggu, 30 Mei 2010

Virginia Invites Kentucky to be its Sister State after Rand Paul Win

Richmond, VA – The Virginia Governor has introduced a measure to the Virginia House of Representatives that formally invites the state of Kentucky to be Virginia’s sister state. Normally, a state will invite a foreign state (as in outside of the United States) to become their sister state, but in this case, the legislature is making an exception. According to an official government spokesperson, “Virginia doesn’t need to look outside the United States for sisters, cause they got some pretty good lookin’ ones right here.”

House Representative Hal Horsense from Lynchburg stated that as soon as the results of the primary elections in Kentucky were announced and Rand Paul had been voted in as the GOP choice for Senator, Virginia kinda figured that they weren’t the only state in the union with radical ideas for the future. “But the icin’ that was drapped on the cake, so t’ speak,” said Horsense, “was when ol’ Rand got up thar and came right out and said it like it is. When Rand told everone that a business has the right to deny services to anyone it chooses, that is the freedom of the Constitution speaking right thar through Rand.”

Keeping in line with the Virginia Governor’s desire to include the Confederacy’s rich heritage in its upcoming  150th Anniversary celebration, an official invitation is being readied to invite Kentucky to join Virginia in recognition of the two states’ commitment to getting back to the original intent of the forefathers (with the exception of Thomas Jefferson), and forge ahead with a common goal, “to unite the American’s America.”

In addition to having a common fondness (not in a sexual way) for Rand Paul, the two states have a few other things in common. For instance, many might not know that Kentucky was actually a part of Virginia before becoming its own state. But there are other way more important things that inextricably link these two states such as their mutual love of guns (sometimes in a sexual way), love of country, and love of country music. “All in all,” says Horsense, “we see this as a natural progression to bring a brother and his sister back together again.”

But what about other states with the same ideals such as South Carolina, Arkansas and Alabama? Why haven’t they been asked to become sister states? Said Horsense, “That’s a darned good question and one we’ve been rasslin’ with. We are tryin’ to come up with some sorta solution and the best one so far is t’ maybe just make ‘em our ‘kissin’ cousin’ states.”

Sabtu, 29 Mei 2010

Physicists Denied Place in Guinness Book of World Records for Discovery

Guinness Book of World Records adjudicator, Martin Cransky, was sent to Israel to certify that two Israeli physicists have achieved a world record of entangling or inextricably linking five light particles that possess what they call a “weird feature of superposition.” However, upon arrival and meeting with the Israeli researchers, Cransky was thoroughly convinced that there are just some world records that no one will ever get and putting them in a book is infinitely beneath them. In addition, the adjudicator admitted he didn’t understand a thing he was being told or shown.

Said Cransky, “Do you understand this statement, for instance: ‘Superposition exists only in the quantum world and is perhaps best known from the example of Schrödinger’s cat.  Schrödinger proposed a thought experiment in which a cat sits in a closed box along with a radioactive substance that might, or might not, decay and break open a bottle of poison gas. Until the box is opened and its contents are observed, the cat exists in a superposition: it is both alive and dead at the same time.’ Well, neither do I, so how can I possibly grant these physicists a place in the Guinness Book of World Records when I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about?”

The Israeli physicists were quite disappointed upon learning that their find, while lauded in the scientific community, will go largely unnoticed by the general public. One physicist had this to say “Here we are, day in and day out, working with photons and beam splitters, working and re-working laser angles to get just the right conditions to turn our hypotheses into realities, and what do we have to show for it? Not even a mention in the Guinness of World Records. Tell you what, why don’t I just take off my lab coat, put on a t-shirt that says “Ask Me About My Weiner” and enter one of those inane hot dog eating contests? Betcha that’d get me into the stupid book.”

Kamis, 27 Mei 2010

Sarah Palin Ran Out of Things to Blame on President Obama Today

[strong]Wasilly, AK[/strong] - Journalists assigned to cover Sarah Palin were stunned today when, fully expecting a new barrage of attacks against President Obama, Ms. Palin simply stated, "I got nothin'."

Of course, that didn't stop her from dredging up old complaints of his handling of everything from health care reform, to the economic crisis, to the illegal immigrant problem, climate control, global warming, gun rights, education, taxes and financial reform. In fact, Ms. Palin claims that she has all but exhausted her attacks on the President for his handling of the oil spill as well. "I've accused him of everything I can think of, including the admittedly lame complaint that he is in bed with big oil and not caring about the wildlife that is being affected by the oil spill, which, by the way, is entirely his fault."

Ms. Palin, however, promised not to keep the news people hanging, vowing to get with her advisers as soon as possible, as well as making a few phone calls to Mr. Murdoch and others, to drum up some more of the same to keep the momentum going.

"You can count on me to be ever vigilant in attacking the President as often and as loudly as I can to make sure that everyone in this country knows what a poor job he is doing as our present leader. As long as there is a Fox News Channel and as long as I am a major contributor, I will be as vocal as I can to fill in any gaps left open by Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck."

With that, she gave her famous wink and said "Don'tcha worry about a thing America. We got it covered."

Rabu, 26 Mei 2010

Obama Vows to Kick Lobbyists Out of Washington Offices

Plans on Turning K Street into a Giant Dunk Tank

Washington, DC – Today, President Barack Obama took one of his strongest stands to date against the corporate interests dogging his efforts to bring true change to America. Not only is he planning on issuing a mandate that sends all the corporate lobbyists with offices on K Street packing, but he intends to do something no other President before him has had the guts to do. Obama is going to make each and every one of them pay for the shameful way they’ve attempted to openly buy off the American people but also the government of the United States of America.

Beginning next week, construction will begin on a three-block long giant dunk tank with approximately 100 booths filled with water and collapsible seats. Lobbyists will be made to take turns for hours on end while ordinary citizens are welcomed to come up and take a shot at the lobbyist of their choice. There will be booths with lobbyists representing the oil, gas and coal industries, as well as the financial industry, including investment bankers, mortgage lenders, brokerage houses, and savings and loan institutes .

The NRA lobbyists will provide quite a few targets for its ability to get more and more guns on the streets and ultimately in the hands of the wrong people and fundamental Christian groups will also have a pew or two for those lobbyists who have succeeded in duct-taping politics and religion back together again and tainting our politicians with their “salvation for votes” schemes.

The hottest seats expected to draw the biggest crowds will be the insurance and pharmaceutical industries. In fact, there are expected to be so many people jockeying for a try to dunk these lobbyists that queue lines akin to those found at amusement parks will be placed in front of those dunk tanks.

Each week, President Obama plans on having a “special guest” to dunk. Hopefully, if all goes well, Dick Cheney will be the first to grace that dunk tank and tickets have already sold out for a chance at “Dunkin’ Dick.”

So, if you’ve not already made your vacation plans, you may want to consider a trip to our nation’s capital to join in on one of the more inventive ideas to come from the President in quite a while. It is sure to become the greatest show on earth.

Selasa, 25 Mei 2010

President Obama Freezes BP Assets until Oil Spill Fixed

Washington, DC – BP CEO Tony Hayward woke up to the news Monday morning that President Obama had taken the drastic step of freezing every last penny of BP’s assets, including bank accounts the world over, stock portfolios, and even the cash Hayward himself had in his wallet, until every last drop of oil is cleaned up and the leak is fixed.

“That should cook their goose,” he heard the President say as he listened to the news report on the clock radio beside his bed. “Unless and until this tiny little man wakes up and smells the oil, there will be no more free lunch from the United States, and I mean that literally. That little lunch counter he and his oil buddies frequent down by the water every day as they sit there and soak up the sun is now officially off-limits. Besides, he’s gonna be as poor as a church mouse come about noon today, so that’s a moot point.”

Hayward reached for a cigarette with trembling hands and lit one up as he sat there contemplating his next move. “Ah-ha,” he said under his breath although no one was in the room with him, the President doesn’t know about the stash of hundred dollar bills I keep in my socks. But just as he got the words out of his mouth, the President continued, “oh and Tony, if you’re listening, we already know about the roll of hundreds you keep in your sock for emergencies. We’re gonna get that too, every last cent of it.”

“And to make sure you understand the severity of this situation, Mr. Hayward,” continued the President, “we are sending someone up there immediately to your fancy hotel room and helping you get packed. We’ve found a sweet little shrimp shack on the edge of the water in Blurgwenchtth Bayou, where you’ll spend the rest of the time in Louisiana until that oil mess is taken care of.” “Blurgwenchtth, what the fu*k kinda name is Blurgwenchtth,” whispered Hayward.

Just as Hayward was getting ready to put all his belongings in his suitcase and bolt for the door, he heard a knock on the door and froze in panic. He didn’t make a peep as the knocking got louder and louder. Finally, a key was inserted and the door opened a crack, “Mr. Hayward, Mr. Hayward? This is your 7 o’clock wake up call.”

Senin, 24 Mei 2010

American Expatriates in Mexico Feeling Sting of Arizona Law

Todos Santos, Mexico - American baby boomers, flush with money, have been making their way down to Mexico’s Baja coast for a decade or more as expatriates trying to escape the high cost of living in the United States. They’re doing anything they can to make their retirement dollars stretch while, at the same time, enjoying a better-than-average lifestyle by the ocean. So you can understand why they are more than a little peeved at their cousins still in the north, back in Arizona, who have taken it upon themselves to make things very difficult for Americans choosing to live south of the border.

Case in point, Todos Santos. The expatriates who have found this lovely place are happy for it not to become another Cabo San Lucas, with it’s exhorbitant food and drink prices, cruise ships full of pushy tourists, and hotels blocking the lovely sea view. But the Mexicans are angry at America right now and are realizing that the best way they can get back at them is to invite them onto their lovely beaches and then over-charge them for everything from a banana to a cabana.

Syliva Brownstead of Hoboken, New Jersey says she is heartbroken over Arizona’s recent decision to make it difficult for anyone of Hispanic descent, particularly, to go about their daily business in that state. “I think the law just stinks.”

When told that most non-Hispanic Arizonans were happy with the law and that it was refreshing to see someone sticking up for the Mexicans for a change, she replied, “Mexicans, Schmexicans, the law stinks because it’s causing me so much agita down here. I used to go down to the beach in the morning and get a couple of breakfast tacos for the equivalent of around twenty-five cents. Now they’re charging two bucks for each. And on Margarita Mondays, we used to get two for one. Now we’re lucky to get one for less than $5.00 a pop, and that’s with third-shelf tequila.”

Joe Bendover, from Providence, Rhode Island agrees. “Up north, we’d have to always eat dinner in the late afternoon to take advantage of early-bird prices. Came down here and we were able to relax on the beach all day and then take our time getting ready for dinner at the local cantina around 6:30 or 7 p.m. and enjoy a fantastic meal for a half of what the early-bird prices were in America. But not anymore, last Tuesday I see a sign that says early-bird dinner 3-4 p.m. and a price that was fifty cents less than the regular menu. Great, you say, right? Sure, except that the regular menu is now double what it was last week. Thanks a lot, Arizona, you buncha bazookas.”

But the real story down here is the attitude. Says Brownstone, “I used to get a criada (maid) to come to my hacienda two times a week and she’d clean my entire house for around $7 each day, with a smile on her face, no less. Great money for her and I had more time at the beach. But no more. Now, if I want someone to come do my cleaning, I have to hire one of the other expatriate women who are low on cash due to rising prices to clean for me and I’m lucky to get them to come once a month, let alone twice a week. And their going rate is $25 an hour! I may as well move back to Jersey.”

“The Mexican women have all banded against us and have realized that they can make more money cleaning local hotels now that the rates have risen through the ceiling. Let me tell you, you’re better off cleaning your own house if all you can get is another American to do it.”

Minggu, 23 Mei 2010

Geneticist Synthetically Recreates Stephen Hawking’s DNA

A well-known geneticist has created DNA identical to that of Stephen Hawking, and claims that when injected into specially prepared bacteria cells, the synthetic organism will be capable of building a time machine.

Said the scientist, “This is the first in a series of designer organism that, when procreated, will be capable of doing all sorts of amazing things--things that yet have only been dreamt about in Jules Verne novels and Leonardo da Vinci sketches.”

When asked to expound on that statement, the jubilant scientist exclaimed “the sky is no longer the limit, the universe is no longer the limit, God is definitely no longer the limit, and well, I’m not sure that even infinity times infinity times infinity is the limit, but I think it may be somewhere around there that you can stop thinking of limits.” No one understood what he was talking about but they were excited as well.

The mad (not in an emotional sense) scientist put it more in layman’s terms. “Remember the first Star Wars movie? Remember the bar scene and all those incredible creatures that came out of the imagination of George Lucas? Well, we can now create each and every one of them just like that only to make sure they fit into society, we’ll give them the “human” gene and “English language” gene, so they won’t go around killing people and will talk just like everyone else. This is especially important if they want to live in Arizona.”

He continued. “Imagine the wonder and awe when your child asks for a pet and they get something that looks like a cross between a billy goat, a giant tortoise and a gorilla, only it will behave as gentle as a kitten.”

Asked if there might be a more practical application for his discovery, the scientist answered, “well, yeah, if you wanna get all boring on me and stuff, I guess you could say that this discovery will allow us to create some designer microorganisms that may come in handy in fighting certain diseases, but that’s not exactly the reason I did this. I just wanted to see if life forms like those in George Lucas and Steven Spielberg’s heads really could exist on this planet.”

And what about Stephen Hawking, he was asked. “Oh that. I just created that organism to get people’s tongues wagging. The Star Wars thing is what’s really gonna put me on the fast track to success.

Sabtu, 22 Mei 2010

Realtor Can’t Suppress Laughter while Showing Rush Limbaugh Manhattan Condo

New York, NY – By now, most people have seen the news that Rush Limbaugh is selling his New York Penthouse condo and moving out of New York due to the high rise in taxes. He said he would move and he's keeping his promise so far. Many wish he would have kept his promise to move to Costa Rica if Obama's Health Care Reform Bill passed as well, but I digress.

The "double-wide" condo as it is affectionately called by the upper crust in Manhattan boasts more than its share of gaudy accoutrements, and as such, has garnered a reputation as being one of the ugliest pieces of Manhattan real estate in the history of, well, real estate. Even Donald Trump has been quoted as saying, "if we could, a bunch of us would get together and have the place bulldozed. The only thing holding us back is that it's on the top floor of the freakin' building!" The realtor showing the condo agrees and admits that she is having a hard time containing her laughter while showing certain portions of the condo.

"Ok, let's see if I can get through this interview without totally losing it," says Mary Showbottom, as she walks us around the condo and gives us a peek at what it is that sets her off every time. Mimicking the way she would take a bona fide buyer through, she begins as we step off the elevator. "First, let me take you into the foyer," she says, stifling a giggle as we step directly into the penthouse. "This pre-war condo is a decoration masterpiece," she almost chokes on another giggle as she walks us toward the public areas.

"And this," she says with a sweep of her hand, "is the double-wide living room (snortle) complete with two wood-burning fireplaces," she manages to get out without completely losing her composure. "It is part of the right wing (snortle-gmph), which includes all common areas (ahem-garumph), including the kitchen and breakfast area, where it is a known fact that Rush likes to spend Sunday morning out on the terrace overlooking the reservoir reading the Sunday paper and enjoying a large stack of Aunt Jemima pancakes (oh good Lord, harrumph, sorry.)"

Along the way, we are treated to sights of indulgence that go way beyond even that found in a Fundamentalist Christian Worship Hall. "The Grandeur," as it is called was one of the most ornate bedrooms we have ever laid eyes on. Hand-painted murals of the second coming not only graced the walls, but the ceiling as well.

We look up and ask Ms. Showbottom about the ornate molding. "Whoo boy, you just don't give a girl a break do you? (hmph, crimple, gasp, snortle) That is hand-painted gold leaf," she replied, "as are the reins on the horses and the rays coming out of heaven in the overhead mural. Let's all take a moment to bow our heads in prayer," she wisecracks under her breath as she leads us toward the en-suite bathroom to witness the piece de resistance, a gold chandelier above the ornate, double-wide 16-jet jacuzzi bathtub complete with pure gold fixtures. Unable to hold her sarcasm any longer, Ms. Showbottom announces, "apparently, Jacuzzi bathtubs were all the rage in pre-war New York (hmphrump, snizzle, wheeze)."

By now, we are all feeling a little light-headed from trying to control our own laughter, but we continue on. We can't help but notice some of the walls are padded and upholstered in silk damask and ask why that is. Ms. Showbottom opines that perhaps it cuts down on injuries, and leaves it at that.

We aren't sure what is up ahead, but we can imagine it is quite interesting judging from the way Ms. Showbottom is covering her mouth with one hand and hunched over holding her ribs in apparent pain caused by trying once more to stifle a bout of laughter. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, we are entering the 'other' right wing," she says as strange noises emanate from her nostrils. (Steady, steady, calm, she tells herself) "Mr. Limbaugh refuses to believe that a left wing even exists (gurgle, snort, whistle, phew, my God, I'm sorry, but I can't do this any longer, help me Jeezusss)."

And with that, the tour ended abruptly when Ms. Showbottom collapsed in a heap laughing uncontrollably beside the 17th Century Queen Anne bed replete with a Civil War-era duvet.

Jumat, 21 Mei 2010

Gang War Brewing Between Tea Party Movement and the GOP

Hicksville, USA - “You put him out there, now you reel him in, and fast,” said Senator John Bohner (R-Ohio), who surprised everyone with his sudden outrage directed at this young, Strom Thurmond-esque uber conservative known as Rand Paul, “or I’ll make a quick trip down to Kentucky and put an end once and for all to this little free radical.” This is just the latest in a line of threats coming from the GOP against the Tea Party Movement over newly elected Senate choice, Rand Paul, after Paul began to tell America how he really feels about the Civil Rights Act.

The issue that everyone believes is at the core of this territorial battle is Rand’s response to the question, “should private businesses be allowed to discriminate based on color or race?” which Rand is skirting, but nonetheless appears to be leaning heavily toward a big yes. But that isn’t truly what this is all about. Nosiree, it goes deeper than that, deeper than the Deep South itself. It’s about a root core of beliefs that go so deep, you couldn’t mine them up even if you used a 21” tube inside a pipe.

What this is about is a bunch of “loose lipped wild boars running roughshod over the decades of hard groundwork the GOP has laid for the conservatives in this party to have a set core of beliefs but, and this is an important but, to keep them hidden just below the surface so as to appear on their face to be anti-racist. We’ve worked hard at this and now this Rand fellow comes along and makes us all out to be hypocrites in one fell swoop,” said Karl Rove in an address to the Freedom Foundation of Southern Heritages in Mammysville, Missouri.

In response to the charge that Rand is giving the GOP a bad name, Sarah Palin has once again come forward as the not-yet-named-but-pretty-much-a-shoe-in spokesperson for the Tea Party Movement. “Ok, so here’s what we all need to do about this Rand fella, or is it Paul? Gosh I’m not sure if I should call him Paul Rand or Rand Paul. I sure hate those double first names, or is Rand a second name and Paul his first name? Who names their kid Rand anyways for gosh sakes?”

Kamis, 20 Mei 2010

New Jersey Students Regret Ratting out Bus Driver

Gangster Glen, NJ – Students from Bon Jovi High School boarded what they thought was their regular bus last Friday that takes them to school every morning, and thought nothing of it that their usual driver, Mr. Dirr, wasn’t at the wheel.

Once on their way, the students settled in for the long ride by checking their e-mails and texting their friends until one astute student too poor to own his own cell phone realized that the bus was going the wrong way. He pointed this out to his fellow students, who immediately started texting their parents and the school to alert them that the bus was being hijacked.

“We demanded the driver stop and turn around and take us back to school, but at first he wouldn’t listen. We were scared but we eventually realized that there were 37 of us and only one of him. Our threats of calling the police were enough to make him turn around and take us immediately to Bon Jovi,” said Sam Goody.

When the bus arrived back at the school, the police were there to arrest the bus driver for hijacking the bus, as well as kidnapping a minor. But the bus driver was adamant it was all just a mistake. “I showed up early to pick up a special load of kids to take them to Six Flags Great Adventure Park for Senior Day. I must have picked up the wrong group of kids. It happens.”

Upon hearing this, the students started blaming Sam Goody for the whole thing. “If he’d just had a cell phone like everyone else on the stupid bus,” said Missy Flurdy, “we’d be having the time of our lives at Six Flags right now. Thanks a lot, Sam.”

The driver was let go but all criminal charges against him were dropped. Unfortunately, no one from Bon Jovi High School made it to Six Flags that day and Sam Goody’s reputation as a loser has grown exponentially.

Selasa, 18 Mei 2010

Texas Consults with Rush Limbaugh on Textbook Changes

The Texas Board of Education, whose majority members are of the more conservative Republican persuasion, has voted to make substantial changes to the Social Studies curriculum in their schools and to re-write the textbooks that accompany that curriculum. In a vote of 10 to 5, the board also voted to approve having radio host and political pundit Rush Limbaugh serve as chief consultant on the project mainly because they believe that “Limbaugh’s Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies” is the ultimate source for much of what they wish to teach young minds in Texas and ultimately the entire United States.

“Said Esther Sessions, board spokeswoman, “first of all, the most radical change in textbook content will be to infuse Christian values back into the ‘leaning’ of history. We refer to this as ‘Christian leaning,’ not learning, as it leans back into the type of studies God originally intended. Rush Limbaugh’s knowledge will significantly enhance the leaning taught through our new curriculum.”

Following these guidelines, the textbooks will look radically different. For instance, every chapter will begin with a Bible verse such as you might see on the handouts you receive in church. “Lord knows there is a verse to suit every lesson, and if we can’t find a verse to fit the lesson, we’ll re-write the lesson to fit the verse,” said Sessions.

The first chapter of the book, in fact, is based on the book of Genesis and teaches creationism over evolution. “Man did not evolve but was created by God, and every person is a direct descendant of Adam and Eve, or Cain and Eve or Abel and Eve,” reads the first paragraph.

Rush Limbaugh’s influence permeates every part of the book, from a discussion on who the real founding fathers were, i.e. Thomas Jefferson, because of his views on separation of church and state has been replaced with confederate heroes such as Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee, to modern-day issues such as American exceptionalism, illegal immigration, deregulation of corporations and financial institutions, and the loosening of gun control laws.

Said Limbaugh of the project “I’ve never been prouder to work on anything in my life as I am this textbook. I am working with some of the greatest conservative authors in Texas who have the uncanny ability to take any historical fact in American history and mold it into a conservative lesson in order to bring our youth to a better understanding of what this country was truly based on. It is a sight to behold.”

Senin, 17 Mei 2010

Liberal Becomes Violently Ill While Going Undercover at Patriot Gathering

Springfield, Mo – The weekly meeting of a group of local patriots came to an abrupt halt last Tuesday when its members came flying out of the United Baptists Freedom Church reception hall wretching and cursing and holding their mouths. An outsider was the cause for the stampede. Shelley Gates, a liberal (a rarity in this town) tried to infiltrate the group to find out what they were all about but became violently ill after listening to about an hour of their rhetoric. She began throwing up on everyone around her.

Once Gates was able to speak, we caught up with her and asked what happened. Said Gates, “I’m a liberal thru and thru and so, when I disagree with a viewpoint, I try and find common ground and work on a solution. I made a plan to infiltrate the Patriot Re-Constitution Party’s weekly meeting to find out what all the fuss was about and to get a first-hand look at how those people tick. But, not long after sitting there and listening to their viewpoint, I began feeling quite ill. I realized I didn’t have the stomach for it, but it was too late. The room started spinning and I started vomiting over and over and over again. I haven’t thrown up like that since I ate some bad potato salad at a family picnic a few years ago.”

A spokesperson for the PRP had this to say, “most Missourians agree with our viewpoint, but we get the occasional do-gooders in here trying their ‘can’t we just agree to disagree’ crap and we just politely tell them to stick it where the sun don’t shine and boot ‘em on outta the meeting. But this little lady walked and talked like us and we thought she was one of us. If we’d have known she was one of them liberals, we’d have shown her the door toot sweet and none of this would have happened. It’s her own damned fault for treading where she needn’t be treading.”

Gates has learned her lesson. “No more trying to understand those folks, that’s for sure,” said Gates. “I don’t have the physical strength.”

Since Tuesday, every time Gates even hears the name Rush Limbaugh, she begins to wretch. “It’s like some bad Clockwork Orange effect or something,” says Gates. I don’t think I’ll ever lead a normal life again.”

Sabtu, 15 Mei 2010

God Photoshops Jupiter

An amateur astronomer from Australia has photos to prove that God has a computer and He’s pretty good at photoshopping objects in the universe to change their appearance (God that is).

Take Jupiter for example. Astronomers claim that normal pictures of Jupiter show two distinct bands of dark cloud matter over the northern and southern ends of the planet, with the Giant Red Spot visible down by the lower dark band.

When Australian Astronomer Nicus Coper viewed Jupiter just last month however, after the planet came out from behind the sun, the dark band at the bottom was missing and the Giant Red Spot was redder.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Coper, “there it was in plain view, an altered Jupiter. I couldn’t wait to show photos of it to my fellow amateur astronomers.” The photos became all the rage in astronomy circles throughout the internet and Coper became pretty well known for his sense of timing in finally catching God in the act.

Apparently, Jupiter isn’t the only planet to be photoshopped by God. On rare occasions, Saturn has been spotted without her rings. “Yes,” said Coper, “God is a wonder. He makes me laugh all the time. I never know what I’m going to see when I look up into the night sky.”

Coper claims that several months ago, he had his telescope trained toward the dog star, Sirius, which is designated as a dwarf star. “All of a sudden, I noticed the star had what appeared to be a cloud formation across its face in the shape of a pair of spectacles. It looked almost exactly like the Disney character, Doc. I was quite amused.”

Jumat, 14 Mei 2010

Guns Galore at 139th Annual Meeting of NRA in Charlotte, NC

Charlotte, NC – It’s all about guns. Guns, guns, guns. Guns and more guns. There are big guns, little guns, guns that kill just one person, and guns that are capable of killing more than one person at a time. Guns for show and guns for show-time. There are great gun names like Howitzer and Luger and, as Arnold Schwarzenegger would say, “nine milleemeeters.” There are assault rifles, sniper rifles, submachine guns, light machine guns, semi-automatics, fully automatics, auto automatics, super automatics, uber automatics, ahhhhhhhhtowmaaaaaatics.

But wait, that’s not all! The gathering will bring out not only big guns in the sense of cannons and rocket and grenade launchers, but big guns in the sense of big-name conservative speakers like Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich and others whose names are synonymous with guns--leaders who will do the best job they can to get the crowd riled up and angrier than they’ve ever been about the power they need to reclaim. Guns and taking back power, a kick-ass combination if there ever was one, just ask Chuck Norris, another notable on the guest list. We just hope the walls of the convention center are sturdy enough to contain all that raucous enthusiasm.

If you want to see more guns than you’ve ever seen in your life in one place, just head on down to Charlotte, North Carolina to the biggest gun show on earth. You won’t be disappointed. And the NRA has spared no expense to ensure your safety. The floors of the convention center will be lined end-to-end with “puppy piddle pads” so that no attendees will slip on what is expected to be the worlds’ largest drool pool.

Just don’t bring your own gun because the sign out front reads “no open or concealed carry weapons on Convention Center property.”

Rabu, 12 Mei 2010

Dick Cheney Has Oil on Hands in Oil Spill Mess

“Oh what an oily mess we make when kickbacks from Halliburton we do take,” should have screamed the headlines in this morning’s newspapers across the land. But alas, it was not to be. Instead, the only media outlets to pick up on the story of Halliburton’s very real involvement in the construction, and ultimate destruction, of the oil platform owned by British Petroleum were the liberal news outlets. And we know what that means…liberals are always looking for a way to bring down Dick Cheney.

“It’s old news,” claimed Cheney himself as he stepped out on his lawn to shoo liberal reporters away who had gathered overnight outside his home—a home they say that was partially paid for by big oil.

One reporter, bold enough to get within spitting distance of Cheney asked “is it true, Mr. Cheney that just before taking office as Vice President of the United States, you were the CEO of Halliburton and upon leaving them were given a $34 million dollar severance package, along with almost that much more in stock options?”

Cheney just waved his arm in a sweeping motion inviting the camera crews to pan his home and smiled.

Another reporter took his cue, “and is it not true, Mr. Cheney that once in office, you held private meetings with oil executives at the White House without allowing the press inside those meetings?”

Still smiling, Cheney called for his maid to bring him his morning coffee, but making it painfully obvious that he was in no mood to offer coffee to his inquisitors.

“And, sir,” the reporter continued, “did you not, upon taking power in office, appoint former Halliburton associates to regulatory positions overseeing the oil industry standards which ultimately led to their recommendations that the oil companies were not required to install certain switches which would have most likely prevented the massive explosion in the present case but were deemed too costly?”

Cheney thought for a moment, and smiled.

And finally, Cheney was asked, “isn’t it true sir that finally, after all these years of trying to catch you red-handed with the necessary facts to bring you up on charges of crimes committed while you held the office of Vice President, you aren’t just a tad frightened by the liberal press standing before you today?”

Cheney, seemingly unfazed and even a bit charming in front of the cameras, smiled to the reporters and simply said “Hey guys, and gals, I’m going hunting this afternoon and I’d love for you all to come along as my guests.”

Selasa, 11 Mei 2010

Sarah Palin Caught in Cat Fight Over California Senate Seat

Palin’s Facebook page took over 2000 angry hits after a post she wrote stated that she strongly endorsed Carly Fiorina to challenge Barbara Boxer for her Senate seat in November in California.

The Facebook entry started out “Carly, Carly, she’s our (Wo)man, if she can’t do it, no one can,” and then went on to describe how Fiorina is uncannily almost exactly like Palin, except for the fact that she has an MBA from the Robert H. Smith School of Business, as well as a Master of Science degree from MIT. Palin, however, was quick to point out that just like herself, Fiorina did drop out of one university, the UCLA School of Law.

In a follow-up phone conversation with Palin regarding the post and wishing to find out just what it is about Fiorina that puts Palin squarely in her corner, Palin answered, “She loves guns, so do I. She loves life, so do I. She loves the military, so do I.” Asked if guns and the military are kinda anti-life in some respects, Palin answered, “spare the blood, spoil the patriot,” and smiled. “She loves money, and so do I.”

“Ya know, now that I think about it,” claims Palin, “if Carly Fiorina were Charles Fiorina, I’d probably have a hard time explaining my love for her to Todd. In fact, I’m starting to wonder, God forbid, I might have some lesbian blood in me, cause to me, everything that woman stands for makes her so hot. I could see the two of us out there in the wilderness together sharing a tent, hunting bear and just talking all conservative and all. I better stop, I’m getting goosebumps.”

Senin, 10 Mei 2010

Sarah Palin Truths Rile Up Political Base Again

Author's Note: Nothing funny to see here today folks, unless you find Sarah Palin as amusing as I do.

Recently, on the Bill O’Reilly Show, Sarah Palin made this statement “American Law Should Be Based on the God of the Bible and the Ten Commandments.” It is not enough that the founding fathers saw fit to make God a part of their decision-making process when crafting this country’s laws, Palin believes that the laws of this country should be based in the belief system of one faith only, the Judeo-Christian faith.

All this came out as Palin railed against a judge in Wisconsin for ruling that the National Day of Prayer is unconstitutional. Palin made her statement, as she usually does, to get a rise out of people and make them chant and shout that Christians are being discriminated against. “What in hell scares people about talking about America's foundation of faith,” said Sarah as she tried ever so craftily to tear down the wall between church (Christian church) and state to bring home her senseless point.

Palin made an impassioned case for the National Day of Prayer, going so far as to cite how many government seals and documents contain the word God, and intimating over and over that our founding fathers only had the Christian God in mind when they wrote the Constitution. Palin said the word God as if it were strictly a Christian concept, and that all other Gods from all other religions were not worthy of consideration, in fact, not really America’s God. You could almost hear the big “G” being reduced to a small “g” as she spoke about other religions.

Listen carefully next time Sarah Palin speaks. She really knows how to skew the facts. In this case, her message, wrong as it may be, is this: There is only one law, God’s law (as long as that God is a Christian God) and there are only 10 basic rules by which to live (the Ten Commandments from the Judeo-Christian belief system). It does not matter to Sarah Palin that most religions that do not adhere to the Judeo-Christian belief system still have creation stories eerily similar to those found in the Bible, that they believe in one almighty power that they call God, just not in the English sense of the word, and they all have sets of laws eerily similar to those found in the Bible, just not enumerated as such.

Next time you listen to Sarah Palin speak, listen to her true message, one of racial superiority, religious discrimination, and one that attempts to divide Americans into races, creeds and religions, making some inferior to others. And she does this by stating undeniable half-truths. She’s a crafty one, that Sarah Palin. She never has and never will understand the true meaning of united.

Sabtu, 08 Mei 2010

Shortage of Blueberry Pancake Mix Causes Riots in Supermarkets

Supermarkets across America were the scene Saturday of knock-down, drag-out brawls over the last few packages of Blueberry Pancake Mix and frozen blueberry pancakes as children dragged their fathers, aunts, uncles and grandparents to the store to get the main staple of a home-cooked breakfast in bed for moms, mamas, mommies, mothers and mumsies for Mother’s Day on Sunday.

“Honest to God,” said Ernest Twinklingerer, who hauled his 3- and 5-year old daughters to the local supermarket to purchase the blueberry pancake mix, “I honestly had flashbacks to Christmas when people were assaulting each other over the latest Talking Elmo doll. If wasn’t for my daughters, Taylor and Shiloh insisting on having the exact same breakfast for their mom that they saw on a television commercial this past week, Claire (his wife) would have had to settle for toaster waffles and canned peaches. As it is, we did eventually find a box of frozen blueberry pancakes hidden in the frozen vegetables aisle, behind some steamin’ broccoli. I’m sure some clever dad is gonna be really surprised when he comes back from picking out flowers in the produce section and finds his box of blueberry pancakes missing. Snooze you lose, man.”

Store employees told of of children throwing wild tantrums in the baking supplies and frozen foods aisles, while their parents tried to explain to them that this year, there just wasn’t enough to go around. “It was total mayhem,” claims one store security guard who was being checked by paramedics for a nasty bruise he suffered when two dads were fighting over a box of frozen blueberry waffles before losing their grip and flinging it toward the officer’s face. “I now have a broken nose. Plus, I was not able to get any pancakes for my own kids for tomorrow. Man, I don’t even want to go home tonight.”

Stores blame a food manufacturer that produces a well-known brand of blueberry pancake mix and frozen blueberry pancakes for causing the last-minute stampede on Saturday. “They saturated the airwaves Saturday morning with their commercials about how moms only want one thing for Mother’s Day, blueberry pancakes. They had kids all over the country buying it and as a result, the supply just could not keep up with the demand,” said one store manager. “On the one hand, it was a brilliant marketing plan that served to make every kid who had a mom believe that their mommy wouldn’t love them unless they served her blueberry pancakes in bed. On the other hand, however, it was a dirty, underhanded thing to do, potentially putting family members in fear of their lives over friggin’ pancakes.”

Said one distraught father who ended up with a sprained wrist when another shopper wrestled the last box of blueberry pancake mix from his tight fist, “I can tell you one thing, dad’s don’t forget and this company better be ready for Father’s Day, cause we are gonna demand a big stack of lumberjack pancakes, and they damn well better be there, piping hot, in the morning, when we wake up, on a tv tray, or there’s gonna be hell to pay.”

Jumat, 07 Mei 2010

Silly Senior Moments and Crazy Pets

Coming up with material on a daily basis to delight my readers is sometimes difficult, especially when, on occasion, the material I write isn’t that delightful. I am looking to expand my blog space and I am asking for some help.

Beginning right away I’d love to receive some funny photos or stories based on two subjects, i.e. silly senior moments and crazy pets (or wildlife). I’m sure you or someone you know has photos, videos or little stories that are pretty funny and would like a place to share them. You know, grandma forgets where she put her teeth and they right where they always are, next to the pickles in the refrigerator of course. Your cat just had kittens and you catch all 5 of them in various stages of climbing your curtains, natural circus performers that they are. Anything of that nature is welcomed.

Just so there are no misconceptions, I do reserve the right to place funny captions in and about your photos, but that’s only to enhance the comedic relief, and more importantly, satisfy my need to get a laugh or two out of my readers.

I’ll allow you space on my blog to put up those items and it won’t cost you a dime. I’ll make sure that what comes to the site, stays on the site, and if you get comments on your submissions, I’ll see to it that you not only get credit but get a chance to respond to the comments.

Sometime, further down the road, if the idea takes off and I get enough traffic to make a little money from advertising, I may even be able to start paying a small amount for submissions. So, in essence, my success depends on you, but I’m willing to share the wealth, if it ever comes to that.

So what do you say? Help a poor needy blogger, missus? Or mister? It will be a hoot, an absolute hoot. Just send your submissions through the comment section with links to the media you are sending along. Oh, and thanks. Really.

Kamis, 06 Mei 2010

Deepak Chopra Finally Admits We’re Screwed

Mind-Body Medicine guru Deepak Chopra, author of such books as “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” and “The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire,” has done a complete about face and is now giving lectures based on his belief that the time for fixing things is over.

“They didn’t listen to me,” says Chopra. “I wrote book after book spelling it out for them and they still are choosing to be ignorant and haphazard in the way they go about their lives. Doctors tell them to eat healthier, and still billions of burgers are being served up all around the world every year. They’re told that global warming is real, and they continue to throw out their recyclables with the trash. I say, meditate and you will know inner peace, and they turn on Jerry Springer or one of a hundred or so reality shows to satisfy their inner voyeur. So, I throw my hands up in defeat. I am finished with the self-help, finding God, and ‘discovering your inner you’ crap. It’s just not working.”

Asked if he is just planning on retiring from writing books and giving lectures, Mr. Chopra replied, “Oh my goodness, no, no way. I make way too much money on that stuff. I said people aren’t listening and putting my advice to good use, but I never said they aren’t buying the books. No matter what I write or say, people are going to continue to buy. But to be fair, I think I may as well give up on the ‘changing the world’ attitude because it just isn’t happening.”

Chopra has decided that the best he can do for society now is give them tips on how to squeeze a little more out of life before they totally destroy themselves and the earth. His new series, “Do What You Want, Who Cares?” will focus on the instant gratification message so popular today. Instead of giving lectures at universities and lecture halls all over the country, Chopra will occasionally speak to small groups at Burger Kings and Taco Bells, leaving behind easy-to-read pamphlets with lots of pictures instead of large books to digest (no pun intended). He is even slated to appear at a Tea Party Movement rally simply because he has given up and feels his message, no matter where it is heard, won’t matter any way. And he will be the featured speaker at the Lincoln, Nebraska Thrills n’ Wheels Tractor Pull in August, where he’ll tell a few redneck jokes to get everyone laughing because, no matter how far he strays from his original message, he still believes that laughter is great medicine, and those folks won’t know they are doing something good for themselves (it’s a private joke).

The bottom line is, we are doomed, but don’t blame Deepak Chopra, he’s finally gotten the message for a change and that is “you can’t change human nature.”

Rabu, 05 Mei 2010

Stephen Hawking’s Basement Raided, Rare Historic Artifacts Found

Acting on an anonymous tip, British police raided well-known physicist, Stephen Hawking’s basement, where it is reported that they found some incredible historical artifacts from various periods in history. Included with the artifacts was an urn which held the salty remains of Lot’s wife from Biblical times.

“It was unbelievable,” said one constable. “I mean, Lot’s wife, blimey, that’s almost the most amazing thing I think I’ve ever seen.” But that was just the tip of the iceberg. There was also a piece of papyrus with some writing on it which historians believe may be the actual scribblings of Noah as he was taking his instructions from God to build the Ark. In fact, there were so many artifacts that police were carrying boxes and boxes of items away from Hawking’s home.

A crude wooden coffin with the remains of a woman wearing an aviator cap, leather jacket and trousers was also removed from the home. A forensics specialist on the scene almost fell over. “I’m not 100% positive, but I do believe these could be the remains of Amelia Earhart.” The find had everyone speechless.

The artifacts were sifted through and contained everything from ancient Mayan calendars to the complete works of Nostradamus and Galileo. One other particularly gratifying find was a complete section of the basement devoted to Al Capone. Yes, Geraldo, there were many, many artifacts in Al Capone’s Vault, but it seems someone had gotten to it first.

Police questioned Hawking as to where he could have possibly gotten all these artifacts unless he was part of a historical theft ring. It is during the questioning that the most amazing piece of evidence was finally discovered. Stephen Hawking actually had a time machine built and had gone back in time dozens of times and, in fact, in the times he went back before the time he was born, he actually could walk, talk and function without the aid of a wheelchair.

Asked why he didn’t come forward with this information earlier, he stated “come on, really, who would have believed me? I tried telling a few friends, but they all scoffed at me, so I just kept the information to myself. At first I just went back to get a look at the original Bible writings and bring back an urn or two, but then I realized, I could get some really remarkable things. From there, I guess it just got out of hand. By the time I had the proof I needed that time travel exists, I was in too deep. I knew I’d be arrested for historical theft, not to mention the historical ramifications of some of my finds. It was all too dreadfully complicated.”

Investigators were seen on Hawking’s front lawn dazed and confused. With the items confiscated in the raid, scientists say history, as we know it, will be thrown out and re-written. Among the findings was the original birth certificate of President Barack Obama.

Selasa, 04 Mei 2010

Fake Head in Suitcase Gets Comedian Arrested

Police are still scratching their heads over an incident this past weekend that resulted in a woman being rushed to the emergency room and a comedian heading off to jail.

“It was a spur of the moment thing, really,” explained Shawn (not his real name). I was sitting there in the train depot, waiting for my train, with my suitcase by my side, when a portly woman comes and sits beside me and the suitcase. Unfortunately for me, she was a talkative one, and asks where I’m going, so I politely tell her uptown, and turn away. But she continued. She talked on, non-stop for about ten minutes and I finally had enough.”

Shawn lit a cigarette and continued, “I couldn’t allow this woman one more word, or I felt I could strangle her, and then I remembered the fake severed head in my suitcase—I used it in my shows. It’s real as real can get. Anyway, I acted like I’d forgotten where I’d put my train ticket, checking all my pockets and finding nothing, when I then said to her ‘sheesh, I’d forget my head if it wasn’t fastened on’ and then I opened the suitcase.”

The woman’s name is being withheld until her family can be notified. Meanwhile, Shawn sits in jail awaiting arraignment for unintentional assault.

Minggu, 02 Mei 2010

Susan Boyle Caught in Vicinity of Bali Gigolo Raid

Author's Note: Here's One for the Gals.

Bali Beach in Indonesia was the site of a recent raid in which 28 young, attractive “surfer-type” tan, hard-bodied, indescribably handsome, heterosexual men were detained on charges of offering companionship to well-heeled, rich women in exchange for monetary gain. In other words, a bunch of beach gigolos were rounded up and questioned.

Caught up in the raid were several lonely, well-to-do women, one of which is reported to be Susan Boyle. Still hurting from a break up with her 27-year old, perfectly sculpted body, olive-skinned, dark-haired boy toy in Italy, Ms. Boyle was innocently taking a rest on the beaches of Bali when the raid occurred. A 23-year old, darkly tanned, muscled, towel boy with shoulder-length black curly hair, clad only in a pair of turquoise-colored board shorts, who just happened to be chatting with Ms. Boyle at the time of the raids, was taken into custody along with other similarly handsome, skimpily-clad young, but not-so innocent, males. Ms. Boyle was questioned but released. She obviously seemed to have no clue what the police “were on about.”

Many of the gigolos, er surfers, were forced to spend the evening in jail; however, the blonde towel boy posted bail through a mysterious benefactor only an hour or so later, and was seen sometime during the dinner hour entering the lobby of the hotel where Ms. Boyle was staying, this time dressed in a chest-hugging Balinese cotton surf-print t-shirt and khakis, his strong, sensuous muscles peeking out from beneath the almost see-thru fabric.

Ms. Boyle has not been seen since, save for the occasional run for ice or to tip the bell boy for room service. Her handlers simply tell us she is laying low in order to allow the scandal to blow over. And she is singing…a lot.

Sabtu, 01 Mei 2010

On Second Thought, Arizona Governor Tweaks Immigration Law

Phoenix, AZ – In case you’ve been hiding out on a desert island for the past few weeks and haven’t been privy to a computer, newspaper or television, last week, Arizona Governor, Jan Brewer, signed into law a bill that significantly toughened Arizona’s stand against illegal immigrants taking up residence or passing through the state.

And then, all hell broke loose. The fallout from this bill is being heard all over the world actually, not just in the United States. In order to quell some of the mocking criticisms leveled at the Governor and legislators who came up with this brilliant piece of legislation, the Governor has signed some changes into the law, which we’ve listed here.

The bill now makes it perfectly clear that racial profiling will not be tolerated and therefore, a police officer cannot stop anyone based solely on the fact that they are deemed to be Hispanic and/or illegally Hispanic in nature. However, if the person is caught engaging in an activity that may be determined to be illegal, they can question said (Hispanic) person, even if the police officer himself is Hispanic.

Some real laws still on Arizona books that Hispanics may want to bone up on in order to stay on the right side of the law are:

*Donkeys can’t sleep in bathtubs (however, the law does not specifically include asses, nor does it preclude shower stalls).
*If someone is thirsty, you cannot refuse them a glass of water (that includes the police officer who is tailing you)
*In Nogales, you may not wear suspenders (this one, we have to agree with).
*When protesting in Prescott, you may not ride your horse (or donkey or someone else’s ass presumably) on the County Courthouse steps.
*In Tucson, women may not wear pants. (Although this one sounds out of date, it’s still a smart move for all Hispanic women in Tucson to wear skirts. And to be on the safe side, Hispanic men should not wear dresses.)

Another change to the Bill requires that all legal immigrants carry their alien registration documents with them at all times. We’re assuming the lawmakers are under the assumption that at some time or another, legal immigrants will do something illegal and get stopped and be required to prove their residency status to the officer who stopped them.

Specifically mentioned in news reports discussing the the bill changes is the ability of law enforcement officers to stop anyone on the suspicion of loitering. So, to be safe, if you are a legal immigrant in Arizona, and are not in a car, but find yourself walking down a public street, do not stop to talk to friends, ask directions, reach down to pick up a heads-up penny, or any number of other things that would make you appear to be loitering, unless, of course, you have your green card or complete portfolio of documents with you to prove that you are either a legal alien or in the process of getting legalized. Be aware, however, that although you will most likely be released to continue on your way, you will probably still be charged with loitering and for that, you will have to seek legal counsel.

And finally, beginning Monday, all Hispanic men, women and children who are legal residents of Arizona will be required to wear orange jumpsuits in order to cut down on lawsuits associated with complaints of racial profiling. “If our Hispanic residents wish to make this immigration reform process go smoother, we believe they won’t mind wearing clothing that will assist the men and women in law enforcement in making the right snap decisions, instead of relying on their intuitions, which may ultimately result in making wrong assumptions based solely on looks,” said a governor’s spokesperson.