All Hell’s Gonna Break Loose on July 11 According to Astrologers and Doomsayers

Doomsayers the world over will be looking to the heavens on July 11 as one of the first seriously meaningful harbingers of the really, really, really awful things to come within the next two years leading up to the Apocalypse.

The event is a total solar eclipse and it's expected to be a doozy, affecting many world-wide events. Some are saying the fact that the eclipse can only be seen over a small portion of the South Pacific and portions of southern South America, especially Easter Island, means that the effects will be much stronger than ordinary solar eclipses that span a wider geographical area.

"Easter Island is a known hang out for celestial beings and those celestial beings are hitting the trumpets pretty hard for this eclipse," said Merle Nerdenuts, Pastor of the Head's Up Ecclesiastical Church of the Holy Spectacle in San Jomato, California, who has been following the second coming of Christ since he was 4 years old. 

"By celestial beings, I mean God's messengers of course, the same ones who built those big-headed statues on the island and who make all those crop circles in farm fields all over the world. They've always been big on leaving signs for us humans to try and figure out."

Signs from mother nature, as well, leading up to the eclipse are lending some credence to what Nerdenuts says. One large nursery owner from Plainville, Texas claims that the cicadas (locusts) are awful this year.

"I got locust carcasses all over my plants and young trees. They done wiped out my dogwood and magnolias and are going for the Texas laurels," said Hal Plimpton of Plimpton's Plainville Plants. "The Farmer's Almanac don't predict a heavy infestation this year, but that don't mean they're right all the time. Just lookin' at my plants, I can tell ya, this is a bad, bad sign."

Nerdenuts was asked if he was going to travel down to Easter Island to view the total solar eclipse first hand.

"Hell no," he said. "I ain't gonna go near that place. It is going to be a zoo with all those astronomers setting up shop and them new age wannabes with their mobile pyramids and what not. Nope, I'm stayin' home and watching the World Cup final match. People will become instant believers in the supernatural when they see the Netherlands win a World Cup, I guarantee you that."