How California Grown-ups Play Cops and Robbers

After not being allowed into a California Pizza Restaurant one morning earlier this month, about 100 members of the OpenCarry Movement went to another restaurant in Walnut Creek, CA to show their fire power in full force, except of course, there was no fire power. Just a bunch of folks with unloaded guns, exercising their 2nd Amendment rights and showing off the fact that if they had firepower, it would, well, be inside their guns and not sitting back at home or in some cop’s possession after having had it confiscated as contraband.

The original story by the Associated Press was kind of misleading in that they reported that “about 100 armed members of a group…” when in actuality, none of the members were really armed in the true sense of being armed. They had their guns with them alright, but none of the guns were loaded and each had to have the gun checked by police officers before entering the restaurant. So armed? Not so much.

You see, according to California law, you can openly display a weapon, but it can’t be loaded. Kinda like little Timmy can walk down the street with a toy squirt gun that looks exactly like a German Luger, but Timmy can load his with water instead of bullets. Now it all makes sense doesn’t it?

We later met up with a few of the group members who were again “packing” that we spotted outdoors having a slushee at the local Tastee Freeze and they agreed to talk to us about what happened a few Saturdays ago at the other restaurant. Joseph Eena, the group’s self-proclaimed leader told us, “Here’s what went down that day. It was just a trial run. We were just showing people how, if you were to have real bullets in your gun, you could walk into a public place and if you see anyone suspicious, you could feel safe in knowing that you could use your gun if you had bullets in it…I know what you’re thinking, what’s the use of having a gun if you can’t shoot it at someone? But honestly, this is just the first step. Once we prove to everyone that we can control ourselves, the cops said they’d give us back our bullets.”

One member, Pat Siefert, who was wearing a western-style holster with what appeared to be a cap gun in it, finally admitted that he couldn’t get the clip out of his semi-automatic pistol and instead of showing up without a gun at the Tastee Freeze—he’d missed the other protest because of the same problem-- decided to try and get away with the toy gun getup. “Had I just stuck the damned pistol into the back of my pants, instead of going all ‘Western,’ I might have pulled it off. The guys had a pretty good laugh about it, and I’ll be sure and get that gun fixed before the next meet-up.”

Probably shouldn’t bother Pat, because just like your real gun that doesn’t work, carrying and showing off unloaded weapons may make you feel safe, but say, just for yuks, that there are a few criminals out there who read the newspapers and now know that the safest place to hold up thanks to you and your pals is a California Starbucks because it is loaded (no pun intended) with a bunch of guys sitting there drinking their lattes and chatting about their 2nd Amendment rights when none of them has two bullets to rub between them. But then again, you could always hone up on your pistol-whipping skills.

Open Carry Movement Gets Makeover on Project Runway

Taking their cue from the recent headlines that a group of gun rights activists calling itself the “Open Carry Movement” are flexing their God-given Constitutional right to enter public places with their firearms proudly displayed, the producers of Project Runway thought it would be fun to take ten members, male and female, and give them a new look that will allow them to coordinate their semi-automatic pistols and other firearms with the latest fashions of the season.

Said an assistant producer for the show, “We’ve been watching the movement, especially at the Tea Party get togethers and the Town Hall Meetings, and the Paul Revere getups and tea bag hat designs are just so Halloween, so unimaginative, so gauche. If these people want to fit in with the stereotypical Starbuck’s clientele, they are going to need some serious makeovers. So we thought, hey, what better way to help them transition into a more trendy ‘fun-totin’ look than to give them a makeover so that they can show off their guns and fit in at the same time.”

The show is not without controversy, however, in that one of the contestants flat out refused to produce an outfit with a main component being some type of holster, be it shoulder, hip, thigh or ankle, stating “for some gun-toting Bubba to wear to a Starbucks? No thank you—suh-nap.” The contestant bowed out of the competition knowing that he faced elimination, but is reportedly happy that he stood up for his principles.

“You can dress them up and make them look all pretty, but at the end of the day, they’re still guns and to me, guns are ugly, ugly things,” he said, sobbing, as he grabbed his overnight bag and ran from the building.

The remaining contestants, however, welcomed the challenge and came up with some very interesting outfits, including one contestant who called her version of the hip holster dress the “I Got Your Gun Right Here, Annie.”

The models seemed to enjoy themselves as well, although one guy named Cletus “Beau” Brummel wasn’t too fond of the outfit one of the contestants made for him. “I know I’m supposed to go along with the program and all,” said Beau,” but these plaid Bermuda shorts and, what the hell do you call this hat, a fedora? Hell, I look like a fruit. No offense to all you all designers over there,” he added.

The outfit that came closest to being all about turning a truck-stop waitress into a latte-sipping hipster at Starbucks was a little number called the “Cappucino Capri Hipster Holster.” Model Shirlene Farlow was just beside herself with the number. “I jes was havin’ such a hard time carrying my gun in the back of my jeans on account of I have such a wide backside and the gun jes kept getting caught in my thong, but now, the focus on the gun farther down my leg makes all the diff’rence in the world. And the gun is still within reach if I ever need to use it while out having a ‘double-shot expresso’ (no pun intended) with the girls after shopping at the Safe-T-Way.”

Project Runway would not give a specific time for the episode to run, but believes it should be sometime in April, 2010, in plenty of time for the models to gather all their friends around at the local Starbucks to watch the show, drink a few lattes, and shoot the breeze.