Charlie Sheen Gets Act Together as Apocalypse Nears

A fear of the devil and not being caught up in the rapture is evidently behind Charlie Sheen’s miraculous recovery from a life that had him headed on a path straight to hell.

“I woke up one morning and realized that there were only 434 days left until the end of the world, and I got so scared,” said Sheen while waiting in his dentist’s office. Asked how he knew the exact number of days before the apocalypse, Sheen responded, “Just because I am drug-free doesn’t mean I don’t have super-human powers.”

Sheen has even convinced his ex-wife, Denise Richards, to go in halvsies with him on a survival condo built inside an abandoned missile silo at an undisclosed location in the State of Idaho. “We’ve put a deposit down on a three-floor condominium complete with swimming pool, theater, four bedrooms and a maid’s quarters,” said Sheen as he awaited titanium tooth implants.

“With these titanium implants in my mouth,” Sheen said, “I will be able to communicate telepathically with anyone topside who might survive the apocalypse, although the chances of that happening are pretty rare,” said a reflective Sheen.

Sheen’s father, actor Martin Sheen, claims he is very proud of his son for finally understanding the apocalypse is a real threat and getting his act together. “Sure, he still talks like he’s high as a kite, but the drug tests keep coming back negative, and that’s all I really care about.”

Banks Offering Special 2012 “End Days” Savings Accounts

The Federal Reserve has cleared the way for all major banks and credit unions to begin offering their customers special savings accounts known as “End Days Savers Accounts.”  These accounts work the same way as Christmas Club savings accounts with a higher rate of interest for the short-duration accounts.

The only drawback is you cannot use the money in the account to buy gifts, but instead must spend the money on various disaster relief items such as gas masks, extra gasoline and canned food items.

Candice Entwhistle, special accounts manager at Wagons Ho Savings and Loan in Wichita, Kansas says she has already opened over a hundred new End Days accounts just in the past two weeks. “Here in Kansas, we have lots of folks who believe very strongly in the prophesies and, while they hope they’ll be raptured, they also want to be prepared just in case by having the means to buy the necessary items to get them through at least the first part of the great tribulation.”

End Days accounts offer a unique feature that sets them apart from Christmas accounts. Owners of the accounts can name a person they would like to receive the funds in the account on the off chance that the account holder does get raptured. “That way,” said Ms. Entwhistle, “the money doesn’t go to the bank or to a lost funds account, but to a relative who may not have lived a Godly life while here on earth. That money might just bring a little peace of mind to someone who believes with all their heart that they will be caught up in the rapture but will unfortunately be forced to leave behind some sinful kin. It’s a win-win,” said Entwhistle.

The special End Days savings accounts with a 0.055% interest rate can be opened beginning on December 26, 2011 and, if all goes according to plan, can be closed out the week of December 16, 2012 in time for the end of the world, which is currently predicted to take place on December 21, 2012.

How Atheists Can Cash in on the Rapture

(Here's a reprise of an earlier post...appropriate for today's events)

In a post-rapture world, it is believed that atheists and agnostics may be faced with horrendous living conditions on Earth. However, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. With pre- and post-rapture business opportunities already beginning to spring up around the country, life on earth for those of you who aren’t going to make it through to the next round may still have somewhat of a silver lining if you plan ahead.

We were able to find a couple of businesses that have already begun cashing in on the rapture business. One of them, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA is a pet-sitting service offered by atheists who are pretty sure that although righteous pet owners will make it into heaven, their pets may not be so lucky. So, for a fee paid prior to the rapture, they will care for your earthbound pet once you’ve crossed over.

Taking Eternal Earth-Bound Pets’ lead, we’ve come up with a few other business ideas that we believe have great potential of thriving before, during and after the rapture period. We urge you to act fast:

Heathen Life Insurance – For those of you who know you are going to be caught up in the rapture, but are also pretty certain that your wayward spouses or children will be left behind, this insurance will make incremental cash payouts as needed to your loved ones for incidentals like fire-proof clothing, dental work due to increased gnashing of teeth, and ear plugs to drown out the incessant sound of moaning .

Pre-Paid MRE Gift Certificates – MRE’s (meals ready to eat) are a staple of the potential disaster crowd and you can cash in on the craze too by buying up stores of MRE’s and then selling gift certificates to those who are sure they will be raptured to give to their less-fortunate family members to cash in once the apocalypse is upon them. You’ll be selling peace of mind to your clients that the loved ones they left behind will have at least one square meal a day thanks to their capacity to plan ahead.

Psychological Counseling Services for Evangelists and False Prophets – That’s right, the ones who preached the hardest about fire and brimstone, but who, in the end, didn’t make the final cut, will be left down here to be ridiculed by the very people they ridiculed. They are going to need the most help dealing with their failure, and with all that money in their coffers, you may just clean up.

Reality Counselors – As with fallen religious figures, there are going to be a huge number of regular folks as well left behind who honestly thought they would be caught up in the rapture. They will be disillusioned and in denial, but with the proper counseling, they may eventually come to accept their Lot in life and carry on as if nothing has changed thanks to your psychological handiwork.

Post-Rapture Storage Facilities – Start selling post-rapture storage space to those who know for a fact that they are going to be swept up but can’t stand the thought of looters going after their art collections, expensive jewelry, or family heirlooms. All you need to do is buy up a few blocks of storage space, preferably climate-controlled and fire-proof, in every city in every state, and then rake in the dollars as you allow folks to load them up with their valuables.

Anti-Christ Weapons Dealer – While no one really knows what type of weapon can kill an Anti-Christ or if such a weapon actually exists, the majority of folks left on earth after the rapture are going to want to do everything in their power to protect themselves from the evil that is to come. You may be able to capitalize on their fear by selling guns that shoot silver bullets, wooden stakes and the ever popular Star Wars light sabers.

“Days of the Apocalypse” 2013 Calendars, Coins and Plates Pre-Sale – Start taking deposits now of $5 each for orders on calendars, commemorative coins and collective plates depicting scenes from the end days believed to hit around December 21, 2012. This isn’t just a world event, it is anticipated to be “the” world event and how better to commemorate it than with beautifully crafted calendars, coins and collective plates?

You see, it may be too late for you to get caught up in the rapture, or you may not even be concerned about being caught up in the rapture, but you can make a quick buck off of it if you plan early enough.

Ten Things You Might Hear at the Apocalypse

1. Man, I didn’t see that coming.

2. Wow, where’d you learn to ride a horse like that?

3. There goes the wheat crop.

4. President Cheney announced today that China…

5. I never figured God could get this mad.

6. Man, it’s hotter than hell out here today, ain’t it?

7. Well, doc, the headaches started about the same time I began the teeth gnashing.

8. Met this girl at the bar last night and invited her up for a nightcap. One minute we’re talking about rapture and the next minute she’s gone.

9. Does anyone know what seal we’re up to now? Is it six, seven?

10. She was a semi-successful writer until she decided to write that satirical piece about the end of the world.