BPs Lavish Celebration over Capping of Oil Well Marred by Angry Protests

New Orleans, LA - What should have been one of the happiest celebrations in a long time for BP today when it announced that the oil spill in the Gulf has been temporarily capped, leaving no oil spilling from beneath it, turned instead to another day of blame and forced accountability from the people whose lives along the Gulf Coast have been forever changed.

As the official spokesperson from BP stood atop a makeshift stage made to look like a replica of the Horizon platform, decorated with red, white and blue balloons and streamers, several hundred protesters were on hand to keep the company honest. With signs saying “Cap This” and “Tony Hayward is the “D” Word” hecklers were front and center to let him know in no uncertain terms that just because they were being treated to free wieners and soda pop, they weren’t backing down from their original demand that BP make Louisiana and the rest of the Gulf Coast states whole before they hightail it outta town.

Before he could even get the first word of his prepared speech out, protesters started chanting, “Liar, Liar,” drowning out his words.  Finally, police were called in to settle the crowd down and he was able to speak:

“This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue over whose fault the oil spill was. Let’s just get past it and go have a hot dog together.”

Stunned by his sheer genius to paraphrase from one of the most revered Monty Python movies of all time, “the Holy Grail,” the crowd could do nothing but cheer him on and agree to let bygones be bygones.  Soda pop for everyone!

President Obama Misses Asses and Falls Flat on His

Washington, D.C. – Americans were buoyed last week when President Obama declared he was ready to kick ass over the BP oil spill, fully expecting him to go out immediately and find whose ass to kick.

However, even with some of those responsible doing everything but actually bending down in front of him with a sign on their ass saying “kick me” it seems he still hasn’t done any kicking.

Oh there was the occasional attempted kick of people like Tony Hayward whom he got close enough to kick, but as soon as he did, seems Hayward pulled away and down went Obama on his own ass.

“It’s quite fun to watch, actually,” said Hayward. “We love tough talk and even dish it out ourselves, but just like Lucy with Charlie Brown, we know the precise moment to move away from the situation and let it kick itself in the ass, and that is what is happening right now in the United States.”

Then, of course, there are the American regulators. But Obama found that they have a tendency to kick their own asses before they are brought up on charges of taking bribes from oil company executives. Elizabeth Birnbaum, for example, the former director of the U.S. Minerals Management Service, knew immediately as soon as the Horizon blew up how she was going to be held accountable and instead of jumping up and saying to the President, “kick my ass, sir” she scrambled away to what we assume is probably a lovely retreat somewhere in the Hamptons bought from oil money deals made under the watchful eye of no one.

This game of kick ass has actually provided some much needed comic relief to the British Petroleum Company who, before hearing Obama state he was looking for some ass to kick, was actually a bit frightened that they would somehow be held solely responsible for the worst oil spill in history “but now,” says an official spokesperson, “we are only about third in line after the American government goes after a few other ass targets that are a bit easier to hit like Transocean and Halliburton.”

In fact, BP is looking to find a company scapegoat to replace their loyal and treasured Tony Hayward; someone who is expendable and can “totally take the heat” of this disaster and still come out of it ok after a righteous ass-kicking by President Obama.

BP Executives Now Understand Full Impact of Oil Spill Disaster

TONY 'BALONEY' HAYWARD

As millions of Americans are enjoying a three-day Memorial Day weekend, BP executives and crew must work around the clock to continue efforts to stop the flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico and at least appear as if they are trying to clean the waters and shorelines of the southern states affected by the oil leakage.

As one executive put it in a news conference on Friday, "This oil spill has affected us in ways you can't imagine. While everyone else in America is spending time with their families going to picnics and ball games, eating hot dogs and swilling beer, we are slaving away at work on this damned mess. It wasn’t until we heard one local newscaster tell another, ‘well, Paul, I’m off for a three-day weekend; have a good one,’ that it occurred to me that if we’d have only used a little more sense when designing and constructing this damned oil platform, none of us would be having to miss a holiday.”

When reminded that he was British and Memorial Day was an American holiday, the executive replied, “I beg to differ, but because we are operating this particular business within the confines of America, we are bound by America’s employment laws, which specifically state that we must take Memorial Day as a holiday, and we certainly wouldn’t want to break any American laws.”

President Obama Freezes BP Assets until Oil Spill Fixed

Washington, DC – BP CEO Tony Hayward woke up to the news Monday morning that President Obama had taken the drastic step of freezing every last penny of BP’s assets, including bank accounts the world over, stock portfolios, and even the cash Hayward himself had in his wallet, until every last drop of oil is cleaned up and the leak is fixed.

“That should cook their goose,” he heard the President say as he listened to the news report on the clock radio beside his bed. “Unless and until this tiny little man wakes up and smells the oil, there will be no more free lunch from the United States, and I mean that literally. That little lunch counter he and his oil buddies frequent down by the water every day as they sit there and soak up the sun is now officially off-limits. Besides, he’s gonna be as poor as a church mouse come about noon today, so that’s a moot point.”

Hayward reached for a cigarette with trembling hands and lit one up as he sat there contemplating his next move. “Ah-ha,” he said under his breath although no one was in the room with him, the President doesn’t know about the stash of hundred dollar bills I keep in my socks. But just as he got the words out of his mouth, the President continued, “oh and Tony, if you’re listening, we already know about the roll of hundreds you keep in your sock for emergencies. We’re gonna get that too, every last cent of it.”

“And to make sure you understand the severity of this situation, Mr. Hayward,” continued the President, “we are sending someone up there immediately to your fancy hotel room and helping you get packed. We’ve found a sweet little shrimp shack on the edge of the water in Blurgwenchtth Bayou, where you’ll spend the rest of the time in Louisiana until that oil mess is taken care of.” “Blurgwenchtth, what the fu*k kinda name is Blurgwenchtth,” whispered Hayward.

Just as Hayward was getting ready to put all his belongings in his suitcase and bolt for the door, he heard a knock on the door and froze in panic. He didn’t make a peep as the knocking got louder and louder. Finally, a key was inserted and the door opened a crack, “Mr. Hayward, Mr. Hayward? This is your 7 o’clock wake up call.”