Tom Hanks to Portray Bill O’Reilly in Upcoming Autobiography

In an upcoming autobiography by Bill O’Reilly in which he prefers not to play himself, O’Reilly has hired Tom Hanks to step in and portray the “love him or hate him” darling of Fox News Channel.

“At first I thought, man, this is really weird,” says Hank about being approached to play Bill O’Reilly in the book. “But the more I read about O’Reilly’s life, I realized this guy really needs help, so I said sure, why not?”

“It could have been anyone, really,” claims O’Reilly, when asked about the project. “I started my autobiography at the tender age of 47 and even by then, I knew I was gonna have trouble selling my life to anyone listening. That’s why I put the project on the shelf (or in this case, in the drawer) and almost forgot about it.”

But what happened next was a near miracle according to O’Reilly. “I was sitting in my big easy chair at home in front of a roaring fire and reading Anderson Cooper’s Autobiography ‘Dispatches from the Edge: A Memoir of War, Disasters and Survival’ and thinking ‘what a load of crap,’ and thought, hell, if he can do it, I can do it.”

That is when O’Reilly went to his desk and pulled the aging manuscript from a bottom drawer under which was a picture of him shaking hands with Tom Hanks. “It was as if a bomb exploded in my head,” said O’Reilly. “I’m gonna ask my old pal Tom to portray me in my book. His life is so much better than mine and, even if it isn’t, we can always use portions of the characters he played in movies to jazz it up a bit.”

O’Reilly’s autobiography should be on book shelves by the end of this year regardless of Hank’s shooting schedule.

O’Reilly and Obama Agree that Glenn Beck is Nuts

President Obama sat down with Fox News Show host Bill O’Reilly in a rare and candid interview that touched on everything from the unrest in Egypt and how it should be handled, the economy and how to achieve a more stable union, and Obama’s thoughts on the 2012 elections. But it was Glenn Beck that really brought the two men together in a meeting of the minds.

In hyping the interview, Bill O claimed that this would be the most watched interview of any in the history of mankind due to the fact that it preceded the Super Bowl and, of course, it was a Fox host interviewing President Obama and not Keith Olbermann, who, O’Reilly couldn’t resist adding “is still unemployed as far as I know, seeing as he never took me up on my offer to be my shoeshine boy.”

In reality, however, early leaks that O’Reilly and Obama would be dissing Glenn Beck on national television and coming to a consensus over his waning mental state seems to have been the big draw all along. Word travels fast especially when Bill O is responsible for self-promotion. Little hints were dropped all during the week preceding the interview. If you were lucky, you’d catch little nuggets like “Be sure to watch Sunday before the game when President Obama and I will sit down and discuss, among other things, the state of Glenn Beck’s mind,” making a play on discussion about the state of the union.

Once the interview was complete and O’Reilly was interviewed himself by reporters, he stated “I admit it. I’m a ratings whore. If it weren’t for the discussion about Glenn Beck’s deteriorating grasp of reality, we may have gotten people to tune in, but after about 5 minutes of discussing Egypt and the economy, they’d be switching over to the pre-game shows and not given us a second look.

“Once again,” claims O’Reilly, “I gotta give props to Glenn Beck. He is the real draw here.” And then he added, “Like it or not.”