Six Million Dollar Man Needs Two Million Dollar Overhaul

When Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man, felt a kink in his neck, he went to his favorite laboratory technician, Mary Weather, for an adjustment.

“I have to sleep on my side these days,” said the bionic wonder, “and my hearing doesn’t seem to be as clear and far reaching as it once was.” Austin told Weather, who was performing a routine examination on him.

“Are you having trouble in the…ah…hem…you know, git’r’up department, Steve?” she asked.

“As a matter of fact,” Austin replied, “the bionic woman was just complaining about that the other day. Up until recently,” he told the doctor “we were both pretty much convinced that that part of me had been replaced after the accident as well.”

The news Austin got next was a complete shock. Weather told him that in order to give him bionic hearing as well as making him bionic in the bedroom, he would be looking at close to two million dollars in parts.

“Where am I gonna come up with that kind of money?” Austin asked. “With all the budget cuts on science programs the past couple of years, I can’t rely on getting anything from the government, even if a Republican is elected into office next year.” 

Dr. Weather explained to Austin that with inflation the way it is, the price of specialty electronics is through the roof. She told him that he could use an ordinary Miracle Ear, but with all the wiring in his body, that would only make his hearing worse. In all likelihood, he was going to need bionic implants in both ears.

In addition, Dr. Weather said the bulk of the expense would be the erectile upgrade. “Seriously,” she said, “we can’t just strap something on you, Steve. We’d have to special order it, and the price of latex is astronomical now with the oil shortage and all.”

Austin claims he makes a pretty good living traveling the science fair circuit and peeling back part of the skin on his face and legs to show folks who pay to see it and what not, but by the time he pays the mortgage on his undervalued home and gets his monthly lube job, he barely has enough left to enjoy life let alone spring for a bionic overhaul. “Do you know how much batteries are going for these days?” he asked to no one in particular.

Dr. Weather told Austin that there was one possibility to bring the price of the overhaul within the Six Million Dollar Man’s Budget.

“We can order the parts from China,” she said. “That should cut the price overall down to around a half million tops.”

China Goes Global with Exclusive Chinese Worldwide Web

China has come a long way since the days when nothing came out of the mainland except cheap plastic goods and kitchen utensils covered in lead-based paint. China now understands the need to communicate with the rest of the world if only to be able to comprehend what it is they are being sued for by entire nations suffering illnesses caused by their defective products.

It is for this reason that China has finally decided to go global with its own worldwide web. Cwww.gloogle.com.ch is where you will find all the latest, up-to-date news about what is going on in mainland China from shopping to news of the weird. People from all over the globe can now log in and check China out from a native’s perspective.

Of course, as big as this news is, it is still pretty much a moot point since the entire cwww is written in Mandarin Chinese and less than ½ of 1% of all the people of the world, not including mainland China, which makes up roughly a big chunk of the world’s population, even speak the language

Suffice it to say that with those statistics, you may as well just resign yourself to the fact that we’re never really going to know what China has up its sleeves. Let’s just leave it as a step in the right direction. The only real thing we have going for us is that the Chinese language is made up of symbols, and if we could just crack that code, a fresh series of internet games would be opened up to us. If we’re being totally honest here, isn’t that really what this is all about?

Communication Between Obama and Chief of Staff Devolves into Abbott and Costello Sketch

China’s President Hu Jintao (pronounced Hoo Jin-tou), was scheduled to spend three days at the White House for a state visit, and was the first important item on President Obama’s agenda since William Daley became the White House Chief of Staff. Everything was expected to be perfect and as such, President Obama relied on Daley to make sure everything ran smoothly. The following exchange was rumored to take place on the morning of President Hu’s arrival.

Obama: Morning Bill. What’s on the agenda today?

Daley: Not what, Hu.

Obama: I’m sorry. Hu?

Daley: Yes, Hu Jintao.

Obama: Who’s in town?

Daley: Yes, Hu.

Obama: I don’t know, Bill. That’s what I’m asking you.

Daley: And I’m telling you, sir. Hu Jintao.

Obama: Ok, let me get this straight. You don’t know who’s in town?

Daley: Yes, I do. Hu. That’s the man’s name.

Obama: What man’s name?

Daley: Hu.

Obama: Ok, let’s start over. Who’s on the agenda today?

Daley: You’re absolutely right, sir.

Obama: Look Bill, all I want to know is what’s on the agenda today?

Daley: And I’m telling you sir, Hu.

Obama: Where the hell’s Rahm when I need him?

Daley: Who, sir?

Just then Michelle Obama walks into the room and, not being privy to the conversation but wanting to remind her husband about the big state dinner planned for the evening, says nonchalantly “Morning, dear. Guess Hu’s coming to dinner.”