Obama Vows to Kick Lobbyists Out of Washington Offices

Plans on Turning K Street into a Giant Dunk Tank

Washington, DC – Today, President Barack Obama took one of his strongest stands to date against the corporate interests dogging his efforts to bring true change to America. Not only is he planning on issuing a mandate that sends all the corporate lobbyists with offices on K Street packing, but he intends to do something no other President before him has had the guts to do. Obama is going to make each and every one of them pay for the shameful way they’ve attempted to openly buy off the American people but also the government of the United States of America.

Beginning next week, construction will begin on a three-block long giant dunk tank with approximately 100 booths filled with water and collapsible seats. Lobbyists will be made to take turns for hours on end while ordinary citizens are welcomed to come up and take a shot at the lobbyist of their choice. There will be booths with lobbyists representing the oil, gas and coal industries, as well as the financial industry, including investment bankers, mortgage lenders, brokerage houses, and savings and loan institutes .

The NRA lobbyists will provide quite a few targets for its ability to get more and more guns on the streets and ultimately in the hands of the wrong people and fundamental Christian groups will also have a pew or two for those lobbyists who have succeeded in duct-taping politics and religion back together again and tainting our politicians with their “salvation for votes” schemes.

The hottest seats expected to draw the biggest crowds will be the insurance and pharmaceutical industries. In fact, there are expected to be so many people jockeying for a try to dunk these lobbyists that queue lines akin to those found at amusement parks will be placed in front of those dunk tanks.

Each week, President Obama plans on having a “special guest” to dunk. Hopefully, if all goes well, Dick Cheney will be the first to grace that dunk tank and tickets have already sold out for a chance at “Dunkin’ Dick.”

So, if you’ve not already made your vacation plans, you may want to consider a trip to our nation’s capital to join in on one of the more inventive ideas to come from the President in quite a while. It is sure to become the greatest show on earth.

Senate Democrats Should be Sent to Reform School

In the wake of the systematic butchering of the Senate version of the health care reform bill almost single-handedly by Sen. Joe Lieberman (Dem/Ind/Rep/Lib-CN), it has been suggested that not only Lieberman, but all Democrats should be sent to Reform School to learn the meaning of the word reform.

Let’s review. According to several sources, including the latest census polls, approximately 47 million, or roughly 1 out of 3 Americans, are without health insurance in this country. That isn’t counting the folks who are underinsured. Healthcare reform is not an issue of “should it be accomplished?” It is an issue of “when will it be accomplished?”

The original intent of health care reform called for by President Obama would effectively accomplish three important things:

1. Make healthcare insurance coverage affordable to all;

2. Extend coverage to all regardless of pre-existing conditions and not allow denial of coverage for certain procedures; and

3. Improve the quality of health care for all through investing in updated technology and focusing on preventive care.

Sounds easy enough right? Just give those pesky insurance companies a little incentive to become a little more competitive in their premium pricing by offering a public health option that would allow all those uninsured folks who can’t afford the more expensive private health insurance premiums to buy into a government program, allow folks with existing medical conditions to be able to buy affordable health insurance, and allow coverage for more than just being sick, i.e. coverage for preventive healthcare screenings. Right. And therein squats the toad.

Insurance companies like making their huge profits year after year and sitting on their piles of money. They weren’t about to take this lying down, well at least, if they did take it lying down, they’d want to still be on top. So what did they do? Well, they took some of those profits and they gave them to charities all over the world to show what nice guys they are so that the government would get off their backs. Ha ha, just joking to see if you are still paying attention. Actually, they are using some of those profits to buy themselves some high-priced lobbyists, PR professionals, and attorneys to ensure (not insure) that no one, especially some poor out-of-work slob, will get the opportunity to actually afford the product they are selling, because, God forbid, he might get sick and need to file a claim. And you know what? It’s money well spent because it seems to be working!

With the help of most Democrats, the lobbyists are winning with their lies and their deceit. They are systematically making a mockery of our legislative process. And the bill passed by the House is but a mere memory in the wake of what has become a Senate bill that, if it were to be passed today, would:

1. Hand over millions of premium-paying customers to the very insurance companies originally targeted as being the culprits who put us in this mess in the first place, by making it mandatory for all Americans to carry health insurance coverage, whether they can afford it or not. And no guarantee that the premiums won’t rise and it won’t be business as usual once the bill is passed.

2. Allow coverage for pre-existing conditions; however, allowing the insurance companies to charge much higher premiums for high-risk policy holders, making it difficult for them to afford the policies and once again, forcing them to remain uninsured and come under the ire of the government for not carrying health insurance.

3. Not provide a government option, be it public option or a buy-in to Medicare at an earlier age for those who cannot afford private health insurance, which would, of course, force the insurance companies to become a little more competitive in their pricing.

What a deal huh?

But here’s a word of advice, don’t let it get to you. The more you worry about it, the sicker you’ll get, and as it stands now, since you started worrying about it before you sought help for worrying about it, you will not be able to file a claim for your stress-related illness as it will be deemed a pre-existing condition.

So I say that unless and until we send those Senators to reform school to toughen them up and get them some lessons in what reform really means, we will continue the flawed process of seeing any bill, no matter how impressive it once was, not only whittled down to mere inconsequence, but built back into a stronger pro-insurance company bill by those with the fattest wallets and the biggest mouths.

America's Health Insurance Companies Blow Millions on High Priced Hook

Just when you thought America’s health insurance companies couldn’t kick us any harder in the collective ass, comes the news that the insurance industry has paid coo-coo bucks for a study which says that if the present proposed health care bill is passed through legislation, it will be the cause for existing insurance premiums to rise. Oh this is gooder than good.

They claim that if they are required to cover “sick” people, they will lose money because they’ll actually be required to pay out on a claim. It is the denial of coverage on which the health insurance business bases its bottom line and the government wants to erode that security. They are so sure that they can pull this off that they are putting some insane money behind this latest attempt to quash the proposed legislation.

Ok, so if we read this right, this means that in order for premiums to stay the same for the folks lucky enough to have health insurance, the government better back off and let the insurance companies conduct business as usual. That means no one but the rich and healthy can be covered, and the rest of us are SOL. Sounds like we’re back to square one.

If they spent as much money coming up with a fair insurance plan for all as they did on million dollar industry standard studies and high-priced lobbyists, well, you get the picture.

Speaking of which--you gotta hand it to those high-priced lobbyist whores who don’t mind dishing a few lies for the big bucks in Washington. Beats running for office on the Repungent ticket these days. And don’t ask how they can sleep at night. They do pretty well with their Charlotte Thomas Bespoke bed linens, which are made from the finest merino wool, backed with a thousand count Egyptian cotton, and sewn together with 22 carat gold. Sweet dreams indeed.

Ok, then, you ask, how do they look themselves in the mirror? Easy, they can keep track of themselves and the news of their latest Capitol coup by installing a beautiful Seura mirror that comes equipped with an LCD television embedded inside. When they aren’t putting on their “up yours” face, they can keep abreast of what’s going on with the rest of the world, if they care, of course, which they don’t.

So, what’s the going rate for selling your soul to the devil these days? Actually, most lobbyists will tell you that there are so many of them willing to deal right now that the prices on soul selling have dropped considerably, which leaves them lobbying for the insurance companies.