Obama Looking for New Court Jester After Kal Penn Resigns

Comedy actor, Kal Penn, announced that he is leaving his gig working for the White House in the Office of Public Engagement to return to television. Some of you will remember Penn from his role on the television series House, others may remember him from the movie Harold and Kumar. However, only one or two of you, up until this story broke, even knew Kumar, err Penn worked in the White House Office of Public Engagement. And fewer still knew he was Obama’s personal Court Jester.

Nevertheless, what it boils down to is this: Obama needs a new Court Jester, and so it was announced today that Obama will be holding auditions for the position the week of July 18.

“What we need,” said Obama, “is someone who can take the disastrous events my administration has to deal with on a daily basis and make them palatable to me through comedy.” While Obama didn’t mention out loud that he wanted a Jon Stewart-type person to take over, sources close to the President say that he has said many, many times “Boy, it was a rough day today. I could really use Jon Stewart to loosen me up tonight before I go to bed.”

In the meantime, Obama has announced that due to his incredible talent for blurting out inappropriate statements which almost always get a chuckle from the press, Joe Biden will fill in as Court Jester until a suitable replacement for Penn can be hired. Obama has ordered Biden to move into the White House until further notice so that he can be on comedic call 24/7.

Joe Biden Takes on Fatherly Role at Debt Ceiling Talks

Vice President Joe Biden is using a unique approach when it comes to dealing with the petulant freshman Senators who aren’t budging an inch on the debt ceiling talks. Treating them like his sons, he has taken on a fatherly role in trying to convince them to come to some sort of agreement on how to get the budget crisis under control.

There are two such Senators who are particularly frustrating his efforts though, i.e. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) and Rand Paul (R-Kentucky).

Here are just a few of the comments attributed to Joe Biden during the debt ceiling talks:

I just cannot get through to you. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

Do you live to annoy me?

Do you think this debt ceiling is going to raise itself?

Don’t make me bang my gavel.

How do you know you don’t like any of the proposals if you’ve never read them? Try just one and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to agree to it.

Keep it up and one day your face is gonna freeze that way.

I don’t care what the other Vice Presidents are doing. I’m your Vice President and what I say goes.

If you can’t say something constructive, don’t say anything at all.

‘I don’t know’ is not an answer.

I hope someday you become a Vice President. Then we’ll see how smart you are.

Now go back out and come back in without slamming the door this time.

Leaving the talks? Is that a threat or a promise?

People in Hades want ice water. That doesn’t mean they’re gonna get it.

Why? Because I said so that’s why.

You’re not leaving this room until you’ve finished your debate.

I brought you into these talks and I can take you out.

You boys have tuckered me out. Now, run along and play so I can take my nap.

Joe Biden Sits on White House Toilet…With Door Open…and Whistles

Washington, D.C. - “Clueless Joe” as they are calling him these days, seems to be losing it bit by bit, as he wanders through the White House talking to no one in particular and asking the maid if she needs any help. Seems Mr. Biden is finding it hard to keep himself busy as vice-president.

And the latest word from the staff is that Joe has no idea how unnerving it is to go past the 1^st floor bathroom right off the kitchen and see him sitting there on the throne, reading the latest press releases and whistling a tune. “It’s getting to the point where we’d rather see ghosts in the hallway than to be subjected to this scene,” said one of the kitchen staff members. No one has the guts to say anything to him and when we see him in the hall, we just try and steer clear of that bathroom cause we know what we’re gonna see. It’s awfully upsetting.”

When asked to explain why Joe won’t close the door and give himself some privacy when doing #2, Joe Biden’s secretary had this to say, “Joe has been like this ever since I met him many years ago at his campaign headquarters. He’d come in, say hi to everyone, shake their hands, and then head straight to the can, door wide open, poll results in hand, and whistle some happy little diddy as he did his business. At first, we were aghast, but we later just got use to his quirkiness and, although I can’t speak for the rest of the gang, his unusual way of using the toilet no longer bothers me. Joe’s an outgoing, affable man, and he honestly just doesn’t give a crap (no pun intended) about being embarrassed about anything.”

Some say that this habit of Joe’s goes all the way back to kindergarten, when he’d ask to use the restroom between classrooms and sit there pleased as you may looking at the pictures in his ABC book, whistling as he made poopie, as he liked to call it, all while leaving the door wide open. He’d even yell hello to any kids passing through, that’s how friendly Joe was and still is today.

Whatever the reason, special assistants have been assigned to the “Joe detail” so as to head off any truly embarrassing moments that may happen when tour groups come to call. Their only purpose is to watch for Joe at any one of the bathrooms he frequents during the day and follow him to make sure his door is closed. Said one assistant, “it’s not so bad. We just follow him to the bathroom, wait for him to get comfortable and when we hear whistling, we just avert our eyes, reach for the door, and pull it shut so that all you hear is happy whistling on the other side. Everybody wins.”