Anderson Cooper Set to Propose to Kathy Griffin at Midnight

Well, folks, you can stop wondering whether (1) Anderson Cooper is gay; (2) Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin are dating; (3) Kathy Griffin is really a guy; or (4) Kathy Griffin is really a guy, gay and dating Anderson Cooper who is also gay, because, evidently, after the ball drops in Times Square tonight, Cooper just may be setting himself up for an even bigger ball drop by proposing to Griffin.

Yep, you heard that right. Sources very close to Anderson Cooper claim that the nice guy of mainstream media fame is ready to propose to the most abrasive woman in show business (in his age group at least). Now all that is left is the answer.

Oddsmakers in Vegas say the sure money is on Kathy yelling ‘yes’ so loud, it will be heard over the noisemakers in Times Square where the two will be hosting “New Years Eve Live with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin.” And they are pretty sure she’ll get something in there about being so excited she just peed her pants before jumping all over Cooper like a red-tufted lemur. There may also be nudity so it is advised that you might want to send the kiddies into the next room to watch “Night of the Walking Dead with Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest” instead.

Most of us can’t imagine what would possess mild-mannered newsman Cooper to go for the self-proclaimed diva whore of stand-up comedy who has openly said more than once that Cooper can’t help it if he was born gay.

“The only way we can possibly explain it,” says Cooper’s best friend Sanjay Gupta, “is that the rumors that the poles are shifting, causing a magnetic disturbance at the equator has somehow affected our Cooper’s thinking and he is just not himself.”

Meanwhile, Cooper remains mum on tonight’s proposal. “If you are asking me straight up if I am going to propose to that madwoman, the answer is a definite no. But, if you are asking me if I could be crazy enough to marry someone like Kathy Griffin, the answer is, ‘hell, man, I’ve stood in Japan in the middle of a nuclear meltdown and took radiation levels on myself for a 24-hour period.’ I think I can handle a firecracker like Griffin.”

Anderson Cooper Gives In and Asks Kathy Griffin on a Real Date

Friends of both Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper were elated when told that Cooper has finally given in to Griffin’s amorous advances and agreed to take her on a date.

“It was the next logical step,” claims Mitzi Moloney, one of Griffin’s closest friends. “After all, Kathy did spend the weekend at Anderson’s house doing everything but humping the furniture to get his attention.”

Cooper’s mother, while not exactly happy about her son’s choice of a date, says she is looking forward to meeting Griffin.

“Oh, I’m not taking Kathy to meet my mother,” said Cooper. “She’s not that kind of girl.”

Asked if seeing Kathy naked is what made him finally give in to Griffin, Cooper replied, “It didn’t hurt.”

Meanwhile, Kathy Griffin is said to be “over the moon” and says she is going to try to be on her best behavior this time. “I almost ran him off with my crazy antics,” said Griffin. “This time I’m gonna play hard to get and stay out of his drawers.”