Chocolate Doomsday Cult Calls it Quits

Phoenix, AZ - It was announced today that the doomsday cult calling itself Death by Chocolate has called it quits due to the fact that their original mission to eat themselves to death with chocolate has not quite gone as planned.

Cult leader, the Divine Dove, stated that things were great up until around June when the heat hit and our refrigeration system went out. “We drank what we could of the melted chocolate, but it just wasn’t the same,” he said. “Since the cult only brings in enough money to buy chocolate and nothing else, there was no money to repair the refrigerator, and we lost everything.”

Detractors, however, paint a different picture. The real reason the cult was disbanding is because money has become scarce and their leaders were forced to buy inferior chocolate made with artificial ingredients. Without real cocoa in their diets, the libidos of the members returned to normal and no one felt like having sex anymore. Said one former cult member, “what’s the fun of being in a doomsday cult if you can’t have sex or eat chocolate every day?”

Glenn Beck Leads Cult

It was confirmed today that Glenn Beck is indeed the founder and questionably charismatic leader of the political group known as The Inconvenient Cult.

When confronted, Beck admitted that the people who tune in daily to his broadcasts are doing so against their will. “How else do you explain the high ratings I get for the garbage I spew?” he said with disdain. “There are enough ignorant folks in this country just waiting for people like me to tell them what to think and who to believe. It’s not hard once you get them in your confidence.”

An expert on cults confirmed that Beck has all the qualities of a fairly successful cult leader, “he’s a liar, he’s controlling, he has an exaggerated sense of self, and as we saw just days ago, is given to fits of uncontrollable rage against anyone who questions his authority.” This could possibly explain his obsession with Al Gore, the one person he can’t seem to pull into his cult and whom he seems to secretly look up to. This is evident by his naming his book “An Inconvenient Book,” his tour “An Inconvenient Tour,” and now his cult “An Inconvenient Cult.” Glenn Beck—genius or merely disingenuous?