American Families Forced to Stay in Foreclosed Homes Against Will

Many of the largest banks in America, including the Bank of America, not to be confused with the Other Bank of America, have been forcing most of their customers, who have not been paying on their mortgages for months, to remain living in their homes with no means for escape.

Through a series of paperwork glitches that go back all the way to even before the mortgages on the homes were entered into by the homebuyers, these banks are now coming out with the whole truth, albeit, via subpoena, about how they first hoodwinked people into taking hefty mortgages they couldn’t afford. The banks then changed the terms of the mortgage without proper disclosures, leading to double mortgage payments the homeowners couldn’t afford, and then filing paperwork to force the homeowners out of the homes so the banks could take the properties back, this time via faulty foreclosures.

Now, with no other alternative, banks are forcing the original homeowners to go back into the homes, sometimes even after they’ve been stripped down to the last copper wire, and making them live there until they can figure out just how this paperwork thing works. Said one unnamed bank official, “We deal with lawyers. That’s where we went wrong. We listened to the attorneys who told us it was perfectly legal to sell mortgages on a home where the actual worth of the home was less than the face value of the home. But our lawyers advised us we didn’t need to read the fine print attributed to us. We just trusted those lawyers.”

He went on, “Next, they tell us how simple it is. The people don’t pay, the people shouldn’t be allowed to keep their homes. Ok, on this we agreed wholeheartedly, so we have them draw up papers to evict the people from the homes and start foreclosure proceedings for non-payment of the mortgages. Thing is, those papers were evidently not written very well either, and you know us, why read it when you have this [ahem] competent attorney telling us all is legal.”

The bottom line now is that not only do the major banks have to allow a bunch of non-paying mortgagees back into their homes while they get this paperwork snafu figured out, but in the meantime, they can’t use the empty homes to house their own family and friends, especially in the more tony neighborhoods.

One bank official living in Southern California claims that he and his mistress had been staying weekends at a fabulous $4.3 million Malibu mansion living it up and now the owner has been told to go back in there and start squatting. “It just boggles the mind,” said the banker.

Gun and Beer Sales Up, Foreclosures Down in Michigan

MIDDLE AMERICA, USA - Folks facing financial ruin in Michigan have finally come up with a solution to losing their homes to banks through the foreclosure process. They are taking their unemployment checks and purchasing rifles to fend off anyone looking to evict them from the homes they’ve worked so hard over the years to buy. They’re also buying beer necessary to keep their bravado up as they attempt to stave off those who are hell bent on taking what’s left of their dignity.

“We are sick and tired of being told we’re deadbeats when it’s the companies that are shipping our jobs overseas, leaving us jobless and broke,” said Homer Simpson, who was recently laid off from a local manufacturing plant in Ypsilanti, Michigan and forced to choose between buying food for his family instead of making his mortgage payments.

“Got me a rifle and a new job--scaring off the bank buzzards,” said Simpson. “Damned vultures. First they sell me a mortgage they know I’ll probably end up not being able to make the payments on if my job goes south, which it did, then they wanna come in, take the house and let it sit there empty letting every hood in the city have their pick of whatever is left in it that’ll make them some crack money. And I’m supposed to sit there and watch it happen? Not on my watch,” he said.

These are harsh words coming from a man who held the position of union steward for years at the local plant; charged with keeping flaring tempers intact; deacon at his Church, vowing non-violence in the 1960’s, and now having to go to such lengths to protect his own American dream.

“Jesus, Lord in Heaven,” he said. “We’re all a bunch of hippies turned commando and why? Cause we want the same thing those bankers have, a secure job, a happy home and safe neighborhoods. Well, they got theirs, should be tricklin’ on down here any minute I figure, just don’t know how much longer I can keep my finger off this damned trigger.”