John Boehner Hailed as Hero by Wealthiest Americans

John Boehner comes from a working-class background, and he isn’t afraid to let people know that. But what sets Boehner apart from most other working-class politicians is the way he’s taking up the cause of the wealthiest people in America--the folks who have everything they want and more but are treated poorly because of it.

“You may think it’s great to have a load of dough,” said Boehner at a recent Heritage Foundation meeting, “but these fellas go through life having to make their deals in private, meeting in back alleys and not ever knowing who their real friends are. If I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyeballs, I’d never have believed the problems all that money can cause for these guys,” he said.

As much as he wants to help them out, his not being in the same monetary league as them leaves him searching for solutions. “If I could just find a way to feel as wealthy as those who put me in office, I’d have this thing licked,” said Boehner. That is why, when he gets back to Washington after summer break, he is proposing a salary hike for lawmakers.

“We can’t relate to our most faithful constituents unless we have some kind of idea what these fellas are going through,” says Boehner. “While I’m pretty sure I’ll only be able to push through a modest pay increase for myself and my fellow lawmakers, it does send a clear and strong message to the guys at the top that we’re doing our level best to not make them feel like outsiders; that we’ll get there come hell or high water.”

Boehner says millionaires are troubled enough, but billionaires come with their own set of problems and he’s determined to make sure their lives are a little better for knowing him. “That’s why I wanted to get into public office,” says Boehner. “I saw a real gap between the haves and the haves a lot, and the way their problems grew exponentially without any real representation in Congress.”

Boehner says he’ll do everything he can to make sure billionaires catch the same breaks as other folks. “Who knows? They may just wanna go to a regular baseball game, have a regular beer and eat a regular hot dog,” said Boehner. “I’m joking of course,” laughed Boehner. “They’d much rather be golfing.”

How to Save Money in Today's Economy

A key step when starting one’s plan to save money is to prioritize. Figure out what is most important in your life--what you absolutely cannot live without--and then find ways to make sure you always have enough money in the budget for it. Here’s an example: Food. Man can stay alive on bread and water indefinitely. However, that’s a bit harsh. A better approach is to divide the three main meals, breakfast, lunch and dinner, into separate days of eating, and rotate. For example, beginning on the 1st Monday, Thursday, and Sunday, have a hearty breakfast and only breakfast. Tuesday and Friday have lunch and only lunch, and on Wednesday and Saturday, have dinner and only dinner. With this system, you can cut out 730 meals a year, at an average cost of around $5 per meal, which comes out to a savings of roughly $3,655.00! That is beer money for the whole year, with a little left over to play the weekly lottery!

Next. Most everyone has a neighbor who just can’t say no to a sale at Home Depot. He has the best weed eater, the best rider mower, the best power washer; just about anything that uses combustibles to start it up. Borrow them, all the time, and on the off chance that your neighbor will begin to look upon you as a mooch, tell him that you are doing him a favor. Engines run better when they are used constantly, it’s a proven fact. Tell him that. If he still balks, come up with some more lies, such as you are only borrowing his mower so that your lawn will look half as nice as his. This whopper might even get him to throw in a bag of lawn food and fertilizer spreader. Just make sure you always have a sincere look about you. One giggle and the jig is up.

If you want to make some money on the side, rent his equipment out to other neighbors. Sure, the other neighbors see you using the same equipment all the time, so they’re sure to think that you own it. When they come to borrow it, tell them times are a little tough, that you could use a little extra dough. Of course, you’re gonna have to do a little acting. Visuals are great. Never carry anything in the pockets of your shorts. When Joe from next door comes a knockin’ to borrow the mower, turn your pockets inside out, and make a half-hearted joke about where moths breed, and you have him eating out of your hand. Word of caution. Learn the schedule of the neighbor with all the heavenly guy toys that you’re borrowing from. Only lend out his equipment while he’s out playing 18 holes of golf or taking the kids to soccer practice. Never let him see someone else using his equipment and be darned thankful that rider mowers don’t have odometers!

Say it’s near the end of the month, you’re almost out of beer money and the lottery is up to $12 million dollars. You’ve been there before, scrounging around in the couch cushions for change, selling your blood, offering a kidney. Just when things start to look hopeless, you come up with a great idea! It involves a cockroach and the dollar menu at the local fast food restaurant. Just remember to look really, really disgusted.