Theoretical Physicist Fails to Impress America's Got Talent Judges with Wormhole Act

Editor's Note: Since America's Got Talent is currently airing a new season, thought I'd reprise this gem I wrote during last season's auditions. Wouldn't you just love to see this act in Vegas?


Things got a little strange Wednesday night in Chicago when a one-man act by the name of Arcus Temporis came on stage armed only with a chalkboard and a piece of chalk and an eraser.

“What is your name?” asked Piers Morgan of this wild-eyed man. In a Swedish accent, the man gave his name, “I am Arcus Temporis and I am 87 years olt,” he said as he took in the huge crowd he stood before.

“And what are you here to do for us tonight, Arcus?” said Piers.

“I vill attempt to proof da exeestence of vormholes by formulating da equation hopefully vidin da 90 seconts dat eest allowed me,” replied the strange little man in a heavy Swedish accent.

Piers replied, “off you go then.”

The little physicist walked up to the blackboard which had the words “Wormhole Theory” written at the top. He began writing his equation with the fury of a madman, thinking, then erasing, then thinking, then erasing, then writing, scribbling furiously to beat the 90-second clock. When time was up and he continued to write, Piers was the first one to buzz the contestant. The other judges buzzed him as well.

“Sorry, Einstein,” Piers quipped, “time’s up.”

Next it was Howie Mandel’s turn to comment, “You seen one wormhole act, you’ve seen them all,” he said as the audience booed.

Sharon Osborne was a little kinder, “I’m sorry Mr. Temporis, but this particular act just wouldn’t cut it in Vegas, but you are such a sweet man, thank you for trying out.”

With that, the contestant known as Arcus Temporis put down his chalk, walked over to the middle of the stage, appeared to be pantomiming unzipping a curtain and walked through the imaginary opening, disappearing completely from the stage.

Physicists Denied Place in Guinness Book of World Records for Discovery

Guinness Book of World Records adjudicator, Martin Cransky, was sent to Israel to certify that two Israeli physicists have achieved a world record of entangling or inextricably linking five light particles that possess what they call a “weird feature of superposition.” However, upon arrival and meeting with the Israeli researchers, Cransky was thoroughly convinced that there are just some world records that no one will ever get and putting them in a book is infinitely beneath them. In addition, the adjudicator admitted he didn’t understand a thing he was being told or shown.

Said Cransky, “Do you understand this statement, for instance: ‘Superposition exists only in the quantum world and is perhaps best known from the example of Schrödinger’s cat.  Schrödinger proposed a thought experiment in which a cat sits in a closed box along with a radioactive substance that might, or might not, decay and break open a bottle of poison gas. Until the box is opened and its contents are observed, the cat exists in a superposition: it is both alive and dead at the same time.’ Well, neither do I, so how can I possibly grant these physicists a place in the Guinness Book of World Records when I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about?”

The Israeli physicists were quite disappointed upon learning that their find, while lauded in the scientific community, will go largely unnoticed by the general public. One physicist had this to say “Here we are, day in and day out, working with photons and beam splitters, working and re-working laser angles to get just the right conditions to turn our hypotheses into realities, and what do we have to show for it? Not even a mention in the Guinness of World Records. Tell you what, why don’t I just take off my lab coat, put on a t-shirt that says “Ask Me About My Weiner” and enter one of those inane hot dog eating contests? Betcha that’d get me into the stupid book.”