Subsidi-Farm Granted USDA Contract to Develop Seedless Pot

Washington, D.C. – In what was hailed as a “good news, bad news” story today out of Washington, Subsidi-Farm, one of the nation’s largest agricultural companies, has been given a federal government contract to develop seedless, irradiated pot, which, among other things, will have a distinct yellow coloration to its leaves, instead of the more natural green color. Although seedless, the pot will have the same or better medicinal properties as that grown by private cultivators, due to the fact that all the plants processed will be female plants.

The good news is that the federal government is giving the green light to Subsidi-Farm to develop this particular strain of seedless marijuana for purposes of supplying it to government storehouses and eventually distributing it to the hundreds of marijuana dispensaries popping up in states that have passed legislation legalizing medical marijuana. The marijuana is said be far superior to any grown by private farms and completely safe for consumption by card-carrying medical marijuana users. In addition, the irradiation process will ensure the pureness and total consistency of the product without producing any long-term ill effects for its users.

The bad news for private cultivators is that this particular marijuana plant, known as SF-MM151 will become the only legal marijuana in the United States and will be strictly controlled by the US government. USDA is expected to hire and specially train several hundred special marijuana inspectors whose job it will be to regularly inspect medical marijuana dispensaries and “smoke houses” throughout the United States with the sole purpose of confiscating any marijuana which does not bear the trademark Subsidi-Farm bright yellow hue.

Medical marijuana dispensaries will be required to obtain both federal and state certification licenses, akin to liquor licenses, in order to dispense the government pot. Licenses are expected to run in the tens of thousands of dollars; however, when compared to the enormous amount of revenue one can expect to gain from owning a medical marijuana dispensary, the licensing fees are not expected to create any protests.

Already, growers in California and Washington State are attempting to duplicate Subsidi-Farm’s patented plants dubbed “mellow yellow”; however, none have been successful. A Subsidi-Farm spokesperson told us that the process whereby ordinary pot such as California Bud or Maui Waui is irradiated and colored naturally is a top-secret technological one and is virtually impossible to duplicate by even the most sophisticated pot growers.

What this all means now for the future of medical marijuana is that folks can stop fighting over their rights to use medical marijuana. Smoke houses and other marijuana cafes can stay open to dispense and offer a safe haven for medical marijuana users without the threat of being hassled by the local police, providing, of course, they follow the strict FDA, DEA, USDA, as well as all local government, guidelines for obtaining and dispensing mellow yellow from their storefronts. The distinct coloration of the pot will make it easy for agents to distinguish whether dispensary owners are trying to pass off artificially-colored pot for the irradiated Subsidi-Farm variety.

Some Republican Congressmen, especially those in states that have laws legalizing medical marijuana, see this as another attempt by the Obama administration to use socialistic methods to control yet another aspect of American life. Conversely, most Democrats see it as a logical step in the right direction, i.e. a solution to a problem that not only makes the majority of Americans happy, but also lines the government pockets with a much-need influx of regulatory fee money that can be used to fund other social programs hard hit by recent budget cuts.

President Obama is said to be quite proud of the fact that Subsidi-Farm and the US Government can work together toward a well-thought out compromise on the medical marijuana issue, freeing state governments up to focus their attention on more pressing matters.

Pot Growers Hire PR Firm to Develop Marijuana Marketing Plan

Los Angeles, CA – “The times, they are a changin’, again,” remarked Henry “Pops” Champion to a group of medical marijuana clinic owners and pot growers who all agree that it is time to finally pull out all the stops in getting marijuana prohibition lifted in California, and eventually, nationwide. Pops has been a lifelong smoker and proponent of legalized marijuana.

“Way back in 1996, Proposition 215 was passed allowing anyone with a doctor’s note to cultivate and use medical marijuana in California for a number of ailments, and in our efforts to assist those folks by offering quality grown and processed medical marijuana--not that street dope--we’ve been harassed like common criminals, and it’s time we spoke up for ourselves,” Pops continued.

“Some folks say we want to make California the Netherlands of the United States. That’s simply not true. We don’t want to be another Netherlands. Hell, man, we can’t even speak Dutch,” said Champion, to thunderous applause.

Yuri Lehigh then took the stage. “Man, all our lives we’ve tried to tell people that pot is a lot less harmful than booze and pharmaceuticals, but would the Feds listen? No. Now, after years of abusing alcohol and pills in place of marijuana, only because we could obtain them legally, we find our health dwindling and, ironically, one of the best natural substances for our ailments, from tired eyes to over-worked livers is pot. When are they going to wake up and smell the bud, man?”

“I mean, have you seen the ads on television for some of those ‘legal’ prescription drugs they’re trying to push on us, man? Clear up your allergies, but at the same time, be careful cause you’re gonna get dizzy and pass out and have bad stomach cramps and diarrhea and what not, man, but yeah, like you sure will breathe better. That is like total bullshit, man,” said Lehigh.

He continued, “and booze and beer commercials, what the fu*k is that, man? Have a few beers at a game, drink yourself silly on some Spiced Rum or Kaluha at a friend’s house, but hey, don’t drive. How the hell do you think they’re gonna get home, man? Sure, like anyone is gonna drink responsibly. The whole thing’s a ruse, man. We all know pot is way safer and we have to find a way to get that point across.”

A budget of several million dollars has been put aside by private business owners to fund the marketing campaign on legalizing marijuana, as well as offering several marijuana-based products. We spoke to an ad executive sent to the meeting to get some ideas about what direction they want the ad campaign to take. “Off the top of my head, man, I think what we want to do first is alleviate the notion that pot is a gateway drug and instead, do a little play on words and portray pot as a ‘gateway to health’ drug instead.”

“Then,” he said, “we want to take marijuana as mainstream as we can as quickly as we can. Think Burt’s Bees-type coverage. This Burt guy starts out with a few beehives and selling honey by the side of the road and today, he’s got candles, lip balms, lotions, you name it, in drug stores and co-ops around the country. We want the same type of exposure.”

We wanted to know if he knew that there were already several ad campaigns running in the state of California trying to push legalization of marijuana, and he said that he did, “but,” he said, “they don’t seem to be making much of an impact. We think our campaign will push the Feds over the edge and ultimately give the people what they want. This isn’t about taxes, it’s not about politics, it is about people wanting their marijuana without going to jail for it, period.”

We asked him how you can market something that is still considered an illegal substance, and he responded by saying “the way we figure it, if we put it out there as a legitimate product, the Feds sooner or later will fold under the pressure of having to do their jobs and regulate it, just like in the pharmaceutical and alternative medicine industry, and that’s when we’ll make our move to get pot accepted in the public eye. We’re even thinking about a complete line of herb teas called ‘Mary-Jane Herbal Wonder Teas.’ With all the things you can do with weed, man, the sky’s the limit once it’s legalized, and we want to make sure we’re ready to deliver products when that day comes.”

The main target audience of the ad campaign will be the over-50 crowd who have been fighting the good fight for over 40 years now, and it’s a pretty safe bet that if pot were legal, would make up the biggest demographic for sales. Said Pops, “They love the shit, man, you know? And we’re gonna do our best to see that it gets legalized in our lifetime, so they can start enjoying it in as many products as we can come up with.”