Fox in Talks with Glenn Beck to Develop Cartoon Show

In an effort to reel in kiddies as early as they are able to watch television, the Fox Channel has begun the process of developing a Saturday morning kids’ show featuring Glenn Beck, ala Dick Dastardly-style, complete with pencil-thin handlebar mustache. While not yet written in stone, the name of the show is expected to be “The Tommy Truth-tacular Hour.”

What some believe is dangerous about this creative project, however, is the message that will be getting to children at such an early age. Face it folks, Dick Dastardly was no Barney, and Glenn Beck’s close portrayal of the character, expected to be re-named “Tommy Truth,” won’t be singing “I Love You, You Love Me.”

Yet, Fox insists that this is a children’s show whose time has come. Beck has convinced Fox that there needs to be an alternative to the namby pamby drivel that turns our youth into liberal whiney butts. What Beck, or Truth in this case, will do is give it to the kids straight. “There are no handouts in real life,” he’ll tell them. “You are not born privileged. You have to work for everything you get, so get used to it kids,” will be another message on board for the young viewers. Speaking of boards, Truth will have his infamous whiteboard present on the show going through the alphabet like a trucker on speed.

“A is for Anti”

“B is for Big Government”

“C is for Concern for this Great Country of Ours”

“D is for Damage Done by the Democrats”

“E is for Everything Else” he can shake a stick at.

Yes, Fox is allowing Beck to go after that demographic that has yet to be tapped, the young, innocent minds that have not fully formed any political preconceptions and mold them into Mini-Mes who believe they have a patriotic duty to adhere to the “every man or woman for themselves” ideology. An idea, Beck believes, whose time has not only come but should be taught as early as possible to our youth.

Talks are also taking place with Sarah Palin to co-star with Beck in the reprisal of yet another character in the Wacky Races series, Penelope Pitstop. She will be known as “Priscilla Patriot” and will be expected to bring to the show a message of patriotism every week. Priscilla will give a goodly amount of advice on how to compete in life and lessons such as taking down an opponent isn’t necessarily a bad thing but what will get you ahead, even if you want to quit a few times along the way. She’ll have a jeweled wand and will wish for things that the kids write in for, such as money, a spot on the junior cheerleading squad, or other such important desires.

When Beck was asked why the character is based more on Dick Dastardly and not Dudley Do Right, he had this to say “Do Right was obviously a progressive, always helping someone out of trouble. His kind shows a spineless lack of self-preservation that Dastardly embraced in everything he did. Dastardly got them before they got him. That’s what I want the kids of today to know--they can’t be in charge if they are worried about someone else. The sooner they learn to be their own bosses, the sooner they’ll learn to be someone else’s boss as well.”

Although the theme of the show sounds undeniably serious, there will be plenty of laughs as Truth carries on in Beck’s clownish style, arms swinging wildly, eyes bulging and voice going from cackle to crack up in seconds. The show is expected to leave children rolling on the floor in laughter at the antics.

Fox has yet to cast the role of “Stripe, the All-American Dog,” Truth’s scruffy side-kick dog based on Muttley, but someone with a wheezing cough, say a smoker of cigars, may just fit that bill.

Fox is hoping to have the cartoon show up and running in time for the new fall television season, so keep your eyes peeled on Fox, where you’ll find the nuttiest entertainment around. 

Glenn Beck Wants Viewers’ Blood in Protest of Health Reform

Taking a cue from the Red Shirt movement in Thailand where approximately 50,000 protesters siphoned their own blood to throw on members of Congress, Glenn Beck is considering asking his viewers to have their blood drawn and sent to his show in vials to be used in protest of the current administration.

Dubbed the “Red Sweater” movement, Beck believes that bloodletting is one of the most appropriate forms of protest especially in association with the debate on health care reform. “One of the oldest medical procedures known to man can now be a symbolic form of protest for those of us who believe that the current administration is ‘bleeding us dry’ with their socialist programs,” said Beck.

Sarah Plain and Entourage Spotted Stocking up at the Oscars

(I know...two Palin articles in a row...my humble apologies)

Early reports out of Los Angeles have Sarah Palin mit entourage stocking up on luxury items at the pre-Oscars Gifting Suite hosted by Silver Spoon; however a Silver Spoon spokesperson says she was gracious and kind while she was taking, not grabby like some have accused.

Some eye-witnesses disagree. “It was like a scene right out of the Ten Commandments,” said Mitzi Hermozen, a well-heeled vendor handing out luxury manicure products at the suite. “I mean, I live in a penthouse on the 22nd floor, so I’ve never really seen a locust, but what I saw kind of reminded me of that movie, only these locusts could talk and they were yelling across the room saying things like “Oooh mom, momm, mommyyyeeee, come here quick, lookee, they have Beach Bandals and they’re freeeeeee! It was quite horrific actually," said Mitzi, as she patted her golden coif.

Palin and her group were, of course, in Hollywood for Sarah to appear as a guest on the Jay Leno Show, and Bristol to tape a segment for the ABC’s popular show, The Secret Life of the American Teenager. Said another attendee at the gifting event, "judging by the way Palin was dressed for the Jay Leno Show, perhaps she should have stopped by the gifting suite first for a freebie makeover…tacky, tacky, tacky."

When Sarah heard what was being said about her and her group of about 20, her response was, “Oh for heaven’s sake, you mean they put stuff out there to take and then don’t want people to take it? That sounds ridiculous to me. If we didn’t take it, someone else would—or am I missing something here?”

Said Mitzi, "I overheard her telling her kids that they were going to give everything back to charity...oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth, just horrific."

Succession and Secession Causing Palin Major Confusion

Sarah Palin speaking a few weeks ago at a rally for Rick Perry referred to news about Texans wanting to secede from the union, and said “…they got that wrong. Texas today, I don't think they're seceding, they are succeeding….”

Upon hearing of this, Debra Medina, the Tea Party candidate for Governor of Texas, called Palin to offer her services as a mentor on the differences between succession and secession, both terms being bandied about lately by the Tea Party movement and obviously causing Palin some confusion. In addition, Medina wanted to set Sarah straight on her (Medina’s) plans for Texas not to secede but instead restore sovereignty, a concept that may be foreign to Palin. We can only wonder how the lessons are going:

Deb: Ok, Sarah, here’s the first word. Succession, with two “c’s” and two “esses.”

Sarah: Oh, you mean like in success in running for office.

Deb: Well, sure, it could mean that, but we’re talking about another success, success-shun.

Sarah: I hate to tell ya Deb, but I’m not one to run from success.

Deb: Sarah, please, dear, focus. Now, for purposes of our lesson, the use of the word succession is improper. Nevertheless, lots of people in the Tea Party movement are using it to describe their desire to secede from the union, much like the idea you and Todd toyed with in Alaska. In actuality, the correct word is Secession, with an “e” not a “u.”

Sarah: What do you mean, Deb, I can’t be a part of it?

Deb: What?

Sarah: You said with an “e” but not a “you.”

Deb: Oh for heaven’s sake, Sarah, I said “u” not “you.”

Sarah: Well, if not me, then who?

Deb: Forget succession. It doesn’t matter anyway. Let’s talk about secession.

Sarah: I had those with all my kids.

Deb: What?

Sarah: C-Sections, way better than natural childbirth, I can tell ya that.

Deb: You have got to be kidding me.

Sarah: Do you mean “u” or “you” as in me?

[Deb gets up to leave.]

Sarah: Wait, Deb, where are you going? Aren’t we going to discuss your wanting to become Queen of Texas?

Deb (over her shoulder): What?

Sarah: Sovereignty. You said you were also going to give me a lesson on sovereignty.

Glenn Beck Credits Himself for Predicting Recent Wave of Violence

In one of his many “I told you so” moments, Glenn Beck has commented that he is the first one to tell his viewers that violence against the US government by fed up citizens was going to start to happen.

Boasting a 100% accuracy rate, Beck claimed that he is a hundred times better at predicting things than any psychic. “For years, I’ve been telling my viewers how fed up they are and how screwed they should feel, and now, after this past election, how I thought things were going to get ugly. I was right on the money,” he said.

Asked if perhaps the things he’s been saying may in some way be construed by his more mentally unbalanced viewers as a “call to action,” Beck replied, “Look, I just calls ‘em as I sees ‘em. I didn’t vote the Socialistic Party into power, but now that it’s there, I think it is my duty to make people aware of what their futures are turning out to be if they don’t do something about the government taking their money and using it any way they want. I only wake them up, I don’t put them behind the wheel of an airplane, so to speak.”

In fact, just recently Beck was quoted as saying “Get as far away from the revolutionaries as you can” just days after the angry taxpayer flew his plane into a Texas IRS office building. A bold move for a man who has been pounding the message home that Americans are asked to foot the tab for a bigger plate in Washington. Perhaps he didn’t think anyone would take a rodeo clown seriously enough to actually “act” on something he said. “When I said we had to take our country back from the evil progressive movement, I didn’t really say how. I let people figure that out on their own. After seeing some of this violence though, I guess people might need some guidance from me so I’m preparing a ‘Plan’ to take back America cause I sure as heck don’t want to take the blame for folks misconstruing my good intentions.”

And then, as Beck wiped a tear from his eye, he exclaimed “I just want what’s good for this country gosh darn it, and sometimes I get a little over-the-top in what I say, but I just want every one of my viewers to understand that no matter how riled up I get them, I don’t want them to hurt anyone, not really.”

Largest Ever Coprolites Found Half Buried in Palin’s Back Yard

Last week, while Sarah Palin was busy making her rounds on the Tea Party circuit, expounding her views on who is and who is not a true Patriot, a group of Palintologists were busy digging up dirt in Palin’s own back yard. Reports are slowly coming in from Wasilla that one of the largest coprolites ever found was dug up just feet from Sarah’s back porch.

When Palin was advised of the find, she is reported as saying “I don’t know what the heck you’re talking about. I don’t have any corporate executives buried in my back yard, for heaven’s sake.”

Subsidi-Farm Granted USDA Contract to Develop Seedless Pot

Washington, D.C. – In what was hailed as a “good news, bad news” story today out of Washington, Subsidi-Farm, one of the nation’s largest agricultural companies, has been given a federal government contract to develop seedless, irradiated pot, which, among other things, will have a distinct yellow coloration to its leaves, instead of the more natural green color. Although seedless, the pot will have the same or better medicinal properties as that grown by private cultivators, due to the fact that all the plants processed will be female plants.

The good news is that the federal government is giving the green light to Subsidi-Farm to develop this particular strain of seedless marijuana for purposes of supplying it to government storehouses and eventually distributing it to the hundreds of marijuana dispensaries popping up in states that have passed legislation legalizing medical marijuana. The marijuana is said be far superior to any grown by private farms and completely safe for consumption by card-carrying medical marijuana users. In addition, the irradiation process will ensure the pureness and total consistency of the product without producing any long-term ill effects for its users.

The bad news for private cultivators is that this particular marijuana plant, known as SF-MM151 will become the only legal marijuana in the United States and will be strictly controlled by the US government. USDA is expected to hire and specially train several hundred special marijuana inspectors whose job it will be to regularly inspect medical marijuana dispensaries and “smoke houses” throughout the United States with the sole purpose of confiscating any marijuana which does not bear the trademark Subsidi-Farm bright yellow hue.

Medical marijuana dispensaries will be required to obtain both federal and state certification licenses, akin to liquor licenses, in order to dispense the government pot. Licenses are expected to run in the tens of thousands of dollars; however, when compared to the enormous amount of revenue one can expect to gain from owning a medical marijuana dispensary, the licensing fees are not expected to create any protests.

Already, growers in California and Washington State are attempting to duplicate Subsidi-Farm’s patented plants dubbed “mellow yellow”; however, none have been successful. A Subsidi-Farm spokesperson told us that the process whereby ordinary pot such as California Bud or Maui Waui is irradiated and colored naturally is a top-secret technological one and is virtually impossible to duplicate by even the most sophisticated pot growers.

What this all means now for the future of medical marijuana is that folks can stop fighting over their rights to use medical marijuana. Smoke houses and other marijuana cafes can stay open to dispense and offer a safe haven for medical marijuana users without the threat of being hassled by the local police, providing, of course, they follow the strict FDA, DEA, USDA, as well as all local government, guidelines for obtaining and dispensing mellow yellow from their storefronts. The distinct coloration of the pot will make it easy for agents to distinguish whether dispensary owners are trying to pass off artificially-colored pot for the irradiated Subsidi-Farm variety.

Some Republican Congressmen, especially those in states that have laws legalizing medical marijuana, see this as another attempt by the Obama administration to use socialistic methods to control yet another aspect of American life. Conversely, most Democrats see it as a logical step in the right direction, i.e. a solution to a problem that not only makes the majority of Americans happy, but also lines the government pockets with a much-need influx of regulatory fee money that can be used to fund other social programs hard hit by recent budget cuts.

President Obama is said to be quite proud of the fact that Subsidi-Farm and the US Government can work together toward a well-thought out compromise on the medical marijuana issue, freeing state governments up to focus their attention on more pressing matters.