Labor Day Cancelled

Due to America’s unusually high rate of unemployment, this is the first year since Labor Day became a federal holiday in 1894 that no workers will be taking the holiday off regardless of whether or not their employers are telling them to do so.

The lucky stiffs who actually have jobs are reluctant to take a day off for fear their position will be snatched up by the people they’ve been told “are waiting in line to take your job if you don’t want it.”

That, coupled with the fact that labor unions are no longer a threat to companies in America as they no longer wield the power they once did over employers to demand they give their employees the day off, the Labor Day holiday has pretty much become obsolete.

As a result of the federal holiday being cancelled, Labor Day sales across America have been cancelled as well. Subsequently, most stores that traditionally put summer items on sale during this time have actually raised their prices by as much as 20%. One of the largest retailers in America, Wal-mart, claims that they’ve had to temporarily remove their company icon, the yellow smiley face, as it is no longer indicative of how their customers feel about their prices.

“All in all, Labor Day this year and on a go-forward basis has been cancelled,” said U.S. Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, “so get over it. Now, everyone back to work,” she said jokingly.

Wisconsin Masochist Coalition Overjoyed with Tuesday’s Election Results

Ed Note: For those who aren't following my train of thought on this one. Suffice it to say, this was a bit of satire on all the folks who bitch about who is in office, but don't do anything about it. Ya basically just voted to keep the a-holes in office who are hell bent on taking what little you have left and giving it to them that already has. After the earlier protests, I just didn't see those election results coming.

A close-knit group of Wisconsin voters calling themselves the Wisconsin Masochist Coalition (WMC) couldn’t be happier about the results of Tuesday’s recall election whereby the Republican Party lost only two of its six seats to the Democrats. This means Governor Scott Walker will continue to be able to heap his brand of punishment upon the people of Wisconsin without compromise, making the WMC ecstatic.

The WMC was formed after Scott Walker passed a controversial bill earlier this year, stripping the collective bargaining rights of public employees. The voting bloc claims it siezed the perfect opportunity to see to it that their pain would increase by accepting the continuous punishment meted out by Walker and the Republicans in the form of serious budget cuts for the working class people of Wisconsin.

“We are neither Republicans nor are we Democrats,” claims Brutus McNabb of Kenosha, Wisconsin. “We are merely a small group of independent voters who enjoy getting the crap kicked out of us.”

McNabb claims the tougher Walker gets, the happier his group is. “We could not ask for a more perfect leader,” said McNabb. “When he says things like ‘let’s kick some butt’ and ‘don’t mess with Scott Walker or I’ll give you a knuckle sandwich,’ well, he’s our guy, no doubt about it.” The WMC claims it will do everything humanly possible to keep, in their words, ‘the Marquis de Wisconsin’ in office.

We’ll continue to vote for Walker,” said McNabb, “because, let’s face it, he won’t be happy until everyone in this state is hurting. And when we’re hurting, we’re happy.”