Labor Day Cancelled

Due to America’s unusually high rate of unemployment, this is the first year since Labor Day became a federal holiday in 1894 that no workers will be taking the holiday off regardless of whether or not their employers are telling them to do so.

The lucky stiffs who actually have jobs are reluctant to take a day off for fear their position will be snatched up by the people they’ve been told “are waiting in line to take your job if you don’t want it.”

That, coupled with the fact that labor unions are no longer a threat to companies in America as they no longer wield the power they once did over employers to demand they give their employees the day off, the Labor Day holiday has pretty much become obsolete.

As a result of the federal holiday being cancelled, Labor Day sales across America have been cancelled as well. Subsequently, most stores that traditionally put summer items on sale during this time have actually raised their prices by as much as 20%. One of the largest retailers in America, Wal-mart, claims that they’ve had to temporarily remove their company icon, the yellow smiley face, as it is no longer indicative of how their customers feel about their prices.

“All in all, Labor Day this year and on a go-forward basis has been cancelled,” said U.S. Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, “so get over it. Now, everyone back to work,” she said jokingly.

Labor Day Now #1 Hated Holiday in America

Labor Day is now the most hated holiday of all in America. Unemployment is at an all-time high. Salaries are the lowest they’ve been since the early ‘70’s inflation-wise, and most people hate their bosses, most of who make upwards of 600% more than they do.

The Labor Day holiday does nothing more today than remind millions of Americans that they have nothing to celebrate. Americans want to be working, not taking another day off—most without pay. That’s why many the majority of out-of-work Americans are boycotting the Labor Day holiday and going to work, anywhere.

Workers are showing up at factories unannounced turning on machines and making cars and refrigerators and other appliances. They are turning the lights on at banks and handling money like it was any other work day. They are washing cars, pumping gas and babysitting, anything to keep themselves busy.

In fact, so many people are working on this, their rightful day off, that it is skewing the unemployment numbers. But fear not, come Tuesday, everyone will be back at home, jobless, and everything again can return to normal.