BPs Lavish Celebration over Capping of Oil Well Marred by Angry Protests

New Orleans, LA - What should have been one of the happiest celebrations in a long time for BP today when it announced that the oil spill in the Gulf has been temporarily capped, leaving no oil spilling from beneath it, turned instead to another day of blame and forced accountability from the people whose lives along the Gulf Coast have been forever changed.

As the official spokesperson from BP stood atop a makeshift stage made to look like a replica of the Horizon platform, decorated with red, white and blue balloons and streamers, several hundred protesters were on hand to keep the company honest. With signs saying “Cap This” and “Tony Hayward is the “D” Word” hecklers were front and center to let him know in no uncertain terms that just because they were being treated to free wieners and soda pop, they weren’t backing down from their original demand that BP make Louisiana and the rest of the Gulf Coast states whole before they hightail it outta town.

Before he could even get the first word of his prepared speech out, protesters started chanting, “Liar, Liar,” drowning out his words.  Finally, police were called in to settle the crowd down and he was able to speak:

“This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue over whose fault the oil spill was. Let’s just get past it and go have a hot dog together.”

Stunned by his sheer genius to paraphrase from one of the most revered Monty Python movies of all time, “the Holy Grail,” the crowd could do nothing but cheer him on and agree to let bygones be bygones.  Soda pop for everyone!

Michelle Obama Afraid to Vacation in Maine

When Barack Obama hit the first lady with the news that they were going to the Maine backwoods for a short little vacation, Michelle wasn’t too enchanted with the idea. Sure, the idea of getting in some hiking, canoeing, and fishing was a great idea to wind down the summer before going into the final stretch for November elections, but Maine, who goes to Maine?

And then, Barack told her the rest of the news. “We’re going to be staying with Stephen King, you know, the horror writer? He has this awesome spooky house he lives in in Bangor. Won’t that be exciting?”

Michelle is said to be terrified at the idea of spending even a few minutes in the company of King. “That guy scares the bejeezus outta me,” she’s was heard saying as she and the President discussed the issue over an impromptu picnic on the lawn just outside the west wing of the White House. “Did you ever read that awful story about Pennywise? What kinda creepy things do you suppose goes on in his house, Barack? The girls will never be able to sleep without the light on again.”

Obama is reportedly a big fan of King’s “The Stand,” a story in which he sees himself as the character “Mother Abagail” and Dick Cheney as the character “Randall Flagg” aka “the Walkin’ Dude.” A classic tale of good vs. evil, Obama has recommended this book to many a friend. He’s said more than once that his favorite part is about how everyone can’t get Mother Abagail out of their heads, like she is the one who is going to save mankind from the evil forces at work in the world.

At one point in their discussion, Barack was overhead saying, “Ok, Michelle, you are afraid of Stephen King, I can appreciate that, but look at the alternatives. I could have us spending a couple of days at the Bush family compound in Kennebunkport” to which Michelle replied, “ok you made your point. Stephen King it is.”

All Hell’s Gonna Break Loose on July 11 According to Astrologers and Doomsayers

Doomsayers the world over will be looking to the heavens on July 11 as one of the first seriously meaningful harbingers of the really, really, really awful things to come within the next two years leading up to the Apocalypse.

The event is a total solar eclipse and it's expected to be a doozy, affecting many world-wide events. Some are saying the fact that the eclipse can only be seen over a small portion of the South Pacific and portions of southern South America, especially Easter Island, means that the effects will be much stronger than ordinary solar eclipses that span a wider geographical area.

"Easter Island is a known hang out for celestial beings and those celestial beings are hitting the trumpets pretty hard for this eclipse," said Merle Nerdenuts, Pastor of the Head's Up Ecclesiastical Church of the Holy Spectacle in San Jomato, California, who has been following the second coming of Christ since he was 4 years old. 

"By celestial beings, I mean God's messengers of course, the same ones who built those big-headed statues on the island and who make all those crop circles in farm fields all over the world. They've always been big on leaving signs for us humans to try and figure out."

Signs from mother nature, as well, leading up to the eclipse are lending some credence to what Nerdenuts says. One large nursery owner from Plainville, Texas claims that the cicadas (locusts) are awful this year.

"I got locust carcasses all over my plants and young trees. They done wiped out my dogwood and magnolias and are going for the Texas laurels," said Hal Plimpton of Plimpton's Plainville Plants. "The Farmer's Almanac don't predict a heavy infestation this year, but that don't mean they're right all the time. Just lookin' at my plants, I can tell ya, this is a bad, bad sign."

Nerdenuts was asked if he was going to travel down to Easter Island to view the total solar eclipse first hand.

"Hell no," he said. "I ain't gonna go near that place. It is going to be a zoo with all those astronomers setting up shop and them new age wannabes with their mobile pyramids and what not. Nope, I'm stayin' home and watching the World Cup final match. People will become instant believers in the supernatural when they see the Netherlands win a World Cup, I guarantee you that."

Apple Developing Drone Phones for Use While Driving

Already iPhone 4 owners are being pulled over by the thousands and ticketed for using their new multi-tasking phones while driving, an illegal act in most states. Iphone 4 owners are complaining to Apple that they are finding it necessary to buy two, sometimes three replacement iphone 4’s due to having them confiscated by police officers. They are crying out to Apple to do something about it.

Well, Apple is listening. Researchers at Apple have come up with a Drone Phone, which basically uses the same technological concept as Boeing to develop their drone planes--reconstructed F-16 fighter jets built to fly unmanned missions and avert enemy fire during war.

Baron Geoffrey von Richtenschteiger, lead researcher on Apple’s Drone Phone project, wouldn’t give us too many details due to the fact that every time they come up with a new phone, Samsung and Nokia, among others, are right on their heels offering cheaper versions of the same technology. “It’s almost like World War II all over again,” said Richtenschteiger, “only this time it’s phones instead of planes, kinda sorta.”

What we could gather from the spy photographs we were able to take with our own iPhone 4’s while averting the Baron’s attention during the interview is that the Drone Phone will work like this. It will look like an ordinary hot dog, the kind you can buy at any 7-Eleven Store. The wrapper of the phone contains an antenna and a power source. You can drive down the road appearing to “eat” your hot dog when in reality, you are chatting away with your friends. Statistics show that police are less likely to pull over a hungry driver than one who is texting his friends while maneuvering his vehicle in heavy traffic.

While it doesn’t appear Apple has found a way to allow the driver to take videos or text message from their Drone Phones at present, just the fact that drivers will not have to go cold turkey swearing off the use of their iPhone 4’s while driving is a step in the right direction. Perhaps a two-way Drone Phone system may work, turning an ordinary Slurpee cup into a touch keypad/camera/television monitor/Slurpee drink.  

Beware of Fake Psychic Octopus Predictions Offered on eBay

The success of the German Octopus named Paul has spawned some fakes that internet users need to be aware of. There is only one real psychic octopus who resides in an aquarium in Oberhausen and his only claim to fame so far is picking World Cup winners by correctly going to the side of the aquarium with the winning flag, doing so with striking accuracy (pun intended).

Evidently, there are a few masterminds out there in cyber-land who believe that there is good money to be made off the idea of a psychic octopus. Some have opened up shop on eBay offering to have Paul the Psychic Octopus answer questions about fame, fortune, money and whatever else it is that gullible people will plunk down hard-earned cash for in order to know their fortunes. For $5, you can get Paul to give you the week’s lottery numbers in your town. For $10, Paul will tell you if your spouse is cheating on you, and for $40, you can get a private reading over the phone with Paul’s handler as the go between. One is not sure exactly how Paul communicates for the readings, but let’s face it, how does he even pick winning lottery numbers?

So far, Paul the Psychic Octopus, the real one, doesn’t have a clue his good name is being used to give out phony predictions but if he did, most say he’d turn beet red over it. The shysters who have come up with the plan to use Paul’s abilities to milk money out of the unsuspecting are said to move from town to town but are believed to be operating from someplace in Nigeria.

So be warned, if you receive an e-mail offering a free question answered by Paul the Psychic Octopus, you can be reasonably sure that the e-mail is a scam. Octopi are not computer literate.

Tar and Sand Candle Business Takes Off in Florida

Not everyone on the Gulf Coast of Florida is bemoaning the dastardly effects of tar balls washing up on their pristine white-sand beaches. Harold “Happy” Toner and his wife Sunny Toner are turning those tar balls into dollar bills.

“Oh, we’re hippies from way back,” said Happy. We’ve been scrapping a life offa these beaches since we came down here in ’69, after the summer of love came to a halt. Started making coffee tables and wall clocks outta the driftwood we could scrounge along the beaches. Sunny strung together shells and made jewelry. We made a decent living, enough to buy a little VW Caravan that we’ve been living out of for nigh on 40 years now.”

Yeah,” said Sunny, “we ain’t always had it easy, but we had it our way. We were always looking for that one thing that would finally make us rich, and that’s when those tar balls started showing up. I took my usual walk down the beach one morning and saw black lumps all over the place.”

The Toners don’t own a television and they rarely read a newspaper, so when the tar balls started showing up on the beach, they didn’t know why. Sunny says she picked a few up that had sand on the bottom and “right then and there, I started yelling ‘Eureka!’ I bought them back to the caravan and added some extra sand to a bowl, put the tar in and shaped them into the shape of Florida, stuck a wick in them and damned if they didn’t burn for hours longer than regular candles,” said Sunny.

Happy and Sunny can’t make enough of the candles. People are buying them like hotcakes. “Come hurricane season, these little tar ball candles are gonna come in mighty handy,” said Happy. “Kinda ironic isn’t it? Folks don’t want the hurricanes to come cause they’ll whip that oil right onto the shore, but these here tar ball candles will keep them from bumping around in the dark after the electricity goes off. I’d say God might just have a little hand in all this yet,” he said smiling. “And, we may just make enough money to get the brakes fixed on the Caravan.”

Brazil Economists Say Brazil Loss is Victory for Brazil Economy

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – While almost every Brazilian is saddened by the stunning loss of their team to the Netherlands in the quarter-final match, economists in Brazil are celebrating unabashedly, claiming that the loss has a decidedly silver lining.

Said one high-ranking economist “We were very worried about Brazil’s economy going into the World Cup. When Brazil’s team is playing well in the World Cup, our economy takes a nose dive. No one wants to work, everyone wants to stay in front of the television, and the entire country becomes a Sambadrome. Production in Brazil comes to a standstill,” he said.

To make matters worse, they say, if Brazil would have won the World Cup, there would be a month-long party to celebrate the victory. Economists say Brazil’s economy is not in stable enough financial condition to sustain itself while the entire country dances its way into poverty.

“It’s bad enough,” said the economists, “that Brazilians everywhere will be taking a full week off work to mourn the loss. But it’s still better than a month’s worth of down time had they won.”