Pot Growers Hire PR Firm to Develop Marijuana Marketing Plan

Los Angeles, CA – “The times, they are a changin’, again,” remarked Henry “Pops” Champion to a group of medical marijuana clinic owners and pot growers who all agree that it is time to finally pull out all the stops in getting marijuana prohibition lifted in California, and eventually, nationwide. Pops has been a lifelong smoker and proponent of legalized marijuana.

“Way back in 1996, Proposition 215 was passed allowing anyone with a doctor’s note to cultivate and use medical marijuana in California for a number of ailments, and in our efforts to assist those folks by offering quality grown and processed medical marijuana--not that street dope--we’ve been harassed like common criminals, and it’s time we spoke up for ourselves,” Pops continued.

“Some folks say we want to make California the Netherlands of the United States. That’s simply not true. We don’t want to be another Netherlands. Hell, man, we can’t even speak Dutch,” said Champion, to thunderous applause.

Yuri Lehigh then took the stage. “Man, all our lives we’ve tried to tell people that pot is a lot less harmful than booze and pharmaceuticals, but would the Feds listen? No. Now, after years of abusing alcohol and pills in place of marijuana, only because we could obtain them legally, we find our health dwindling and, ironically, one of the best natural substances for our ailments, from tired eyes to over-worked livers is pot. When are they going to wake up and smell the bud, man?”

“I mean, have you seen the ads on television for some of those ‘legal’ prescription drugs they’re trying to push on us, man? Clear up your allergies, but at the same time, be careful cause you’re gonna get dizzy and pass out and have bad stomach cramps and diarrhea and what not, man, but yeah, like you sure will breathe better. That is like total bullshit, man,” said Lehigh.

He continued, “and booze and beer commercials, what the fu*k is that, man? Have a few beers at a game, drink yourself silly on some Spiced Rum or Kaluha at a friend’s house, but hey, don’t drive. How the hell do you think they’re gonna get home, man? Sure, like anyone is gonna drink responsibly. The whole thing’s a ruse, man. We all know pot is way safer and we have to find a way to get that point across.”

A budget of several million dollars has been put aside by private business owners to fund the marketing campaign on legalizing marijuana, as well as offering several marijuana-based products. We spoke to an ad executive sent to the meeting to get some ideas about what direction they want the ad campaign to take. “Off the top of my head, man, I think what we want to do first is alleviate the notion that pot is a gateway drug and instead, do a little play on words and portray pot as a ‘gateway to health’ drug instead.”

“Then,” he said, “we want to take marijuana as mainstream as we can as quickly as we can. Think Burt’s Bees-type coverage. This Burt guy starts out with a few beehives and selling honey by the side of the road and today, he’s got candles, lip balms, lotions, you name it, in drug stores and co-ops around the country. We want the same type of exposure.”

We wanted to know if he knew that there were already several ad campaigns running in the state of California trying to push legalization of marijuana, and he said that he did, “but,” he said, “they don’t seem to be making much of an impact. We think our campaign will push the Feds over the edge and ultimately give the people what they want. This isn’t about taxes, it’s not about politics, it is about people wanting their marijuana without going to jail for it, period.”

We asked him how you can market something that is still considered an illegal substance, and he responded by saying “the way we figure it, if we put it out there as a legitimate product, the Feds sooner or later will fold under the pressure of having to do their jobs and regulate it, just like in the pharmaceutical and alternative medicine industry, and that’s when we’ll make our move to get pot accepted in the public eye. We’re even thinking about a complete line of herb teas called ‘Mary-Jane Herbal Wonder Teas.’ With all the things you can do with weed, man, the sky’s the limit once it’s legalized, and we want to make sure we’re ready to deliver products when that day comes.”

The main target audience of the ad campaign will be the over-50 crowd who have been fighting the good fight for over 40 years now, and it’s a pretty safe bet that if pot were legal, would make up the biggest demographic for sales. Said Pops, “They love the shit, man, you know? And we’re gonna do our best to see that it gets legalized in our lifetime, so they can start enjoying it in as many products as we can come up with.”

Impeached Illinois Governor to Speak at Northwestern on Ethics

Former Illinois Governor, Milorad "Rod" Blagojevich, impeached for trying to sell President Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat in 2008, and convicted on several federal conspiracy charges including “pay to play” schemes, has been asked to speak by a group of College Democrats at Northwestern University.

Title of the Event? “Ethics in Politics: An evening with Former Governor Rod Blagojevich.”

Idiots. What? They think he’s gonna be up front and honest with them? Guess they’ll just have to learn themselves. Here’s hoping they don’t spend too much on the refreshments. Kool-aid should suffice.  

Bush/Cheney 2012 – The Next Generation

Dick Cheney is said to be planning a not-so-surprise comeback for the 2012 presidential election and he’s doing it this time vicariously through his daughter, Liz Cheney. Due to his dissatisfaction with the way the conservative party has so far been running (or not running) things, Cheney has again decided that the only way to get things back on track is to re-infuse some pure Cheney/Bush blood into the race.

Although Dick feels that he and George W. Bush were perhaps the most ideally paired Presidential team since, well, ever, and there will never be another like them, which we certainly can’t argue with; and, as much as he would like to take the reins himself, he’s just not that sure about his health and that is ultimately what is keeping him from running.

Yes, the die-hard, irrepressible Mr. Cheney has a new plan of action that he’s working on worming into the Republican psyche little by little. We’re talking about the plan to offer up his daughter, Liz Cheney, to run as Vice President to Jeb Bush’s run for President. Can’t you just feel that Dick genius starting to move the masses again?

While Dick is trotting Liz Cheney out to every conservative gathering hosted by everyone from the NRA to the Republican Party itself, Daddy George H.W. Bush, at Dick’s command, is pushing Jeb onto the cable news shows with a full schedule of the old fake-out “no, nope, I’m not running,” so that when the time comes, conservatives everywhere will be begging him to run.

There may be a couple of things that could nip this pairing in the bud before it even happens, though. Word has it that Jeb and Liz aren’t that fond of one other ever since they got in each other’s face way back when at a Kennebunkport gathering, when Jeb, quite a bit older than Liz, told her to “quit following me around like a puppy dog.” “Since then, they find it difficult to be in the same room together, let alone even consider a presidential pairing,” claims an unidentified source.

So how, then, do Dick and H.W. plan on pulling off this shotgun presidential campaign? Some say Dick has his ways. “He’s not above torture, if that’s what it takes to make those kids see how important this is for the country,” said the same source, wishing with all his heart not to be identified.

While he may not sink so low as to waterboard his own daughter, which she would totally approve of, by the way, he could threaten her and Jeb by other means. Suffice it to say, he has the mindset and the wherewithal to get the job done.

How Atheists Can Cash in on the Rapture

(Here's a reprise of an earlier post...appropriate for today's events)

In a post-rapture world, it is believed that atheists and agnostics may be faced with horrendous living conditions on Earth. However, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. With pre- and post-rapture business opportunities already beginning to spring up around the country, life on earth for those of you who aren’t going to make it through to the next round may still have somewhat of a silver lining if you plan ahead.

We were able to find a couple of businesses that have already begun cashing in on the rapture business. One of them, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA is a pet-sitting service offered by atheists who are pretty sure that although righteous pet owners will make it into heaven, their pets may not be so lucky. So, for a fee paid prior to the rapture, they will care for your earthbound pet once you’ve crossed over.

Taking Eternal Earth-Bound Pets’ lead, we’ve come up with a few other business ideas that we believe have great potential of thriving before, during and after the rapture period. We urge you to act fast:

Heathen Life Insurance – For those of you who know you are going to be caught up in the rapture, but are also pretty certain that your wayward spouses or children will be left behind, this insurance will make incremental cash payouts as needed to your loved ones for incidentals like fire-proof clothing, dental work due to increased gnashing of teeth, and ear plugs to drown out the incessant sound of moaning .

Pre-Paid MRE Gift Certificates – MRE’s (meals ready to eat) are a staple of the potential disaster crowd and you can cash in on the craze too by buying up stores of MRE’s and then selling gift certificates to those who are sure they will be raptured to give to their less-fortunate family members to cash in once the apocalypse is upon them. You’ll be selling peace of mind to your clients that the loved ones they left behind will have at least one square meal a day thanks to their capacity to plan ahead.

Psychological Counseling Services for Evangelists and False Prophets – That’s right, the ones who preached the hardest about fire and brimstone, but who, in the end, didn’t make the final cut, will be left down here to be ridiculed by the very people they ridiculed. They are going to need the most help dealing with their failure, and with all that money in their coffers, you may just clean up.

Reality Counselors – As with fallen religious figures, there are going to be a huge number of regular folks as well left behind who honestly thought they would be caught up in the rapture. They will be disillusioned and in denial, but with the proper counseling, they may eventually come to accept their Lot in life and carry on as if nothing has changed thanks to your psychological handiwork.

Post-Rapture Storage Facilities – Start selling post-rapture storage space to those who know for a fact that they are going to be swept up but can’t stand the thought of looters going after their art collections, expensive jewelry, or family heirlooms. All you need to do is buy up a few blocks of storage space, preferably climate-controlled and fire-proof, in every city in every state, and then rake in the dollars as you allow folks to load them up with their valuables.

Anti-Christ Weapons Dealer – While no one really knows what type of weapon can kill an Anti-Christ or if such a weapon actually exists, the majority of folks left on earth after the rapture are going to want to do everything in their power to protect themselves from the evil that is to come. You may be able to capitalize on their fear by selling guns that shoot silver bullets, wooden stakes and the ever popular Star Wars light sabers.

“Days of the Apocalypse” 2013 Calendars, Coins and Plates Pre-Sale – Start taking deposits now of $5 each for orders on calendars, commemorative coins and collective plates depicting scenes from the end days believed to hit around December 21, 2012. This isn’t just a world event, it is anticipated to be “the” world event and how better to commemorate it than with beautifully crafted calendars, coins and collective plates?

You see, it may be too late for you to get caught up in the rapture, or you may not even be concerned about being caught up in the rapture, but you can make a quick buck off of it if you plan early enough.

MSNBC , CNBC Threaten Lawsuit Against Palin

Threatening the first ever lawsuit of its kind, two major media outlets, MSNBC and CNBC are kicking around the idea of asking a Federal Judge to decide if Palin is required under the 1^st Amendment to issue free press passes to her upcoming March 12 speech at the Rosen Shingle Creek Resort in Orlando, FL.

Palin, through her booking agency, Washington Speakers Bureau, has stated that although media is not banned from the event, they will have to buy a ticket to attend just like everyone else, and no video or audio recordings will be allowed.

Attorneys for MSNBC are claiming that “Palin’s demands not only place an undue hardship on those seeking direct information as to her readiness to lead a country, but also deny the American public to vicariously, through the media outlets, become a ‘fly on the wall’ and listen in on someone who has her eye on a possible run for the Presidency in 2012. Without the same transparency she expects from President Obama, the American public in general does not really know a whole lot about this folksy beauty queen from Alaska, other than she’s not really keen on hope or change.”

A spokesperson for Washington Speakers Bureau claims that is common for someone of Ms. Palin’s prominence to deny the media entry into her speeches because she may give the same speech over and over, and if word were to leak out about the content of her speeches, there would be no need for her adoring fans to shell out the $250 a pop to see her in the next town over. In addition, WSB claims that MSM reporters don’t like the idea of no audio or video recordings allowed simply because it puts additional onus on them to practice taking notes in shorthand, which they’ve not done since the invention of the micro-mini-recorder.

Political watchdog group, Media Matters in America, says that if the suit is filed, they are ready to file an amicus brief (friend-of-the-Court brief) to state their claim that there is a more simple reason for Palin not allowing the media to attend her speeches. Said attorneys for MMA, “Palin simply is not ready for prime time, and instead of going about the task of learning all she can about foreign relations, the economy, health care reform, and other such pressing issues that a potential presidential candidate should be studying in order to give informed and more intelligent answers, Ms. Palin is trying to get by on what limited information she has as long as she can and as long as the ignorant are buying. One or two more ‘crib notes’ incidents, however, and she may just be finished forever.”

Many MSM news anchors agree that if given the same opportunity today that Katie Couric and Charles Gibson were given to interview Sarah Palin leading up to the 2008 presidential election, they too would have no problem “outing” the depth of her ignorance. 

Keith Olbermann said it best “to deny us the opportunity to sit down and discuss current affairs with Ms. Palin is only prolonging the pain. Sure, as long as most Americans of average intelligence are shielded from her ignorance, they can go on letting her give her speeches and telling us to leave her alone, but if the more intelligent faction of Americans honestly saw just how inept the woman is, it would be over before it started, and the money she commands for her speeches would dry up like the Mojave Desert. Sure, Sarah Palin is dumb, dumb like a fox.”

Meanwhile, if the attorneys for MSNBC and CNBC do decide to file the lawsuit, it must be done within the next few days in order to allow enough time for a ruling before the event on March 12.

Liz Cheney Calls Rachel Maddow “Hot”

This week the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) got underway in Washington, DC and there were no real surprises in front of the cameras, save for that magical moment when Dick Cheney appeared out of nowhere to chants of “Run, Dick, Run.”

But behind the cameras, there was pawlenty going on. MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow was on hand to cover the conference and word has it that when she and Liz Cheney were introduced outside the hotel they were both staying in, they unexpectedly embraced for what some say was more than just a polite “how do you do.”

After Maddow and friends moved on, Cheney was rumored to have said “Wow, that Rachel Maddow is really hot in person. If I were my sister, I may not have been able to control myself.” Liz, of course, was speaking about her sister, Mary, who is openly gay.

When told about Cheney’s comment, Maddow reportedly replied, “wow, really? Liz? Liz Cheney? Gosh, I don’t know whether to be flattered by that or extremely repulsed.”

How California Grown-ups Play Cops and Robbers

After not being allowed into a California Pizza Restaurant one morning earlier this month, about 100 members of the OpenCarry Movement went to another restaurant in Walnut Creek, CA to show their fire power in full force, except of course, there was no fire power. Just a bunch of folks with unloaded guns, exercising their 2nd Amendment rights and showing off the fact that if they had firepower, it would, well, be inside their guns and not sitting back at home or in some cop’s possession after having had it confiscated as contraband.

The original story by the Associated Press was kind of misleading in that they reported that “about 100 armed members of a group…” when in actuality, none of the members were really armed in the true sense of being armed. They had their guns with them alright, but none of the guns were loaded and each had to have the gun checked by police officers before entering the restaurant. So armed? Not so much.

You see, according to California law, you can openly display a weapon, but it can’t be loaded. Kinda like little Timmy can walk down the street with a toy squirt gun that looks exactly like a German Luger, but Timmy can load his with water instead of bullets. Now it all makes sense doesn’t it?

We later met up with a few of the group members who were again “packing” that we spotted outdoors having a slushee at the local Tastee Freeze and they agreed to talk to us about what happened a few Saturdays ago at the other restaurant. Joseph Eena, the group’s self-proclaimed leader told us, “Here’s what went down that day. It was just a trial run. We were just showing people how, if you were to have real bullets in your gun, you could walk into a public place and if you see anyone suspicious, you could feel safe in knowing that you could use your gun if you had bullets in it…I know what you’re thinking, what’s the use of having a gun if you can’t shoot it at someone? But honestly, this is just the first step. Once we prove to everyone that we can control ourselves, the cops said they’d give us back our bullets.”

One member, Pat Siefert, who was wearing a western-style holster with what appeared to be a cap gun in it, finally admitted that he couldn’t get the clip out of his semi-automatic pistol and instead of showing up without a gun at the Tastee Freeze—he’d missed the other protest because of the same problem-- decided to try and get away with the toy gun getup. “Had I just stuck the damned pistol into the back of my pants, instead of going all ‘Western,’ I might have pulled it off. The guys had a pretty good laugh about it, and I’ll be sure and get that gun fixed before the next meet-up.”

Probably shouldn’t bother Pat, because just like your real gun that doesn’t work, carrying and showing off unloaded weapons may make you feel safe, but say, just for yuks, that there are a few criminals out there who read the newspapers and now know that the safest place to hold up thanks to you and your pals is a California Starbucks because it is loaded (no pun intended) with a bunch of guys sitting there drinking their lattes and chatting about their 2nd Amendment rights when none of them has two bullets to rub between them. But then again, you could always hone up on your pistol-whipping skills.