Senin, 14 September 2009

EU Decision Throws Europe Into Darkness

Hours, KW – The Eiffel Tower is now a threat to aviation safety as it stands unlit in the Paris night. Other famous landmarks in various European cities have gone dark as well because of the European Union’s decision to ban incandescent light bulbs in favor of replacing them with the more energy efficient compact fluorescent bulbs (CFL) sold by Wal-Marts all over Europe.

“The actions of the EU have created a very hazardous situation in Europe,” one senior official commented. Europeans are beginning to hoard the incandescent bulbs and, when they recently found they were unable to purchase them from their local stores, they began stealing them from around any and all public outdoor displays, plunging all major and some minor cities into darkness. Even by replacing the stolen bulbs with CFL's, the cities are experiencing the phenomenon of "low, ambient lighting" creating shadow hazards not previously experienced.

The bulb frenzy seems to have struck Parisiennes the hardest. Women, especially, are being found with large stockpiles of the outlawed bulbs in various hiding places in their homes. Incandescent bulbs have long given out superior light when it comes to putting on makeup. With the new CFL’s, some women are coming out of their homes looking like clowns, having applied more makeup than necessary due to the low lighting being emitted from their vanity mirrors. “Eet ees an outrayshge,” said one Parisienne beauty. “Loook at moi, Look at moi! I am ze ugliest wooman on ze planet!” An unidentified male who just happened to be listening in on her rant had to agree with her. “She had lipstick in places even clowns don’t cover,” he observed.

Men throughout Europe have begun staging protests as well—taking to the streets demanding that incandescent bulbs make a return to the stores. “We can’t stand to look at our women anymore,” exclaimed Maurice Chevalier III. Even little girls are turning ugly beyond belief. Where are the beauties my grandfather sang about?

Interestingly, there seems to be fewer complaints in Great Britain and Germany, where the women have long since foregone the feminine primping of their French counterparts. In those countries, there is no notable difference in how the women look. It is very difficult to determine if that is because the lighting is not good enough to find the flaws, or if they just weren’t that pretty to begin with.

Kamis, 10 September 2009

Duct Tape to Preserve Political Careers

Washington, D.C. – It was announced today by a Republican Party spokesperson that commencing immediately, rolls of duct tape will be made available, at the entrance to the House and Senate chambers, to those Republican lawmakers who cannot seem to control themselves. “While healthy debate is encouraged in most instances, we find it necessary to impose a form of restraint at this point in the juncture on those lawmakers who are so passionate as to dishonor Congress,” said Leuce Lipsingships, Secretary of the House Decorum Committee.

The need for this action was spurred by two separate incidences where Republican lawmakers not only brought attention to their own inadequacies as human beings, but also ultimately created an embarrassment for their colleagues.

The first incident happened earlier this week when California Assemblyman, Mike Duvall, believing that he was having a private “kiss and tell” conversation with a fellow assemblyman, admitted not only to adultery, but to having two mistresses, one of which is identified as a lobbyist working for a large energy company. Without being aware he was being videotaped live during the legislative session, Duvall bragged about his prowess at spanking his mistress, stating, in a sultry voice to his captive audience, “who’s your daddy now, bitch?”

In an unrelated case out of Washington, D.C. this week, Representative Joe Wilson from South Carolina, who obviously suffers from some form of Tourette’s Syndrome, blurted out “you lie!” several times during President Obama’s speech to Congress. “Clearly, this was a case of not having the right equipment at the time to assure silence during Obama’s speech. We can think anything we want, and oftentimes do think some really bad stuff, but we don’t go around calling the President a liar, regardless of whether we believe him to be one,” said Dick Dickerson, a Republican senator who heads up the Republicans in 2030 exploratory committee.

A major manufacturer of duct tape has been contacted by the supervisor of the Republican National Procurement Committee, asking if it is possible to get several rolls of specially designed tape for the purpose of self-restraint. Although duct tape today comes in many different colors to match any Congressman’s suit, such as blue, grey or black, a pinstripe design for fall, as well as a seersucker design for spring, was said to have been requested. Although on back order, it should be ready and delivered in time for the next Presidential speech scheduled later this year.

Jumat, 04 September 2009

Cloak of Death Nets $1M at Sotheby's Auction

New York, NY – The New York office of Sotheby’s has disclosed that the original Cloak of Death, worn by Death himself, has been auctioned off for the amazing sum of $1M. The cloak was reportedly put up for auction by the heirs of one of the last surviving members of Hitler’s Third Reich, who wanted nothing to do with the cloak’s dark history.

According to stories surrounding the cloak, anyone who comes in contact with it eventually dies. “It could be days, weeks, months, even years, but eventually, you are going to die if you come in contact with this cloak. It is the most evil piece of clothing I have ever encountered,” said the seller of the cloak. “The proof of this lies in the fact that I am an heir of the estate of the last owner of the horrible shroud. He had to die before I could inherit it. I am hoping to cheat death by auctioning the cloak off before it can affect me and cause my death as well.”

The name of the purchaser of this infamous shroud was not immediately known. A ghost bidder was sent in his place to ensure his anonymity. However, sources close to Sotheby’s have indicated that the highest bid came from a resident of Casper, Wyoming. Without giving too much information, the spokesperson indicated that this mystery buyer has a history of buying infamous tools of torture for his collection, including several stakes used by Vlad the Impaler (the original Dracula) to impale his enemies during the 15th Century, several torture racks used during the famous Spanish Inquisition and lesser known Portuguese and Roman Inquisitions, and quite a handsome collection of old rusty dental implements.

In addition to torture equipment, the collector is said to possess some of the most rare and hard-to-find books ever written on the subject of torture, including the “Handbook for Inquisitors” written in 1578; “No Respect for Martyrs” written by Drew Asword in 1758; and the more recent “Tools That Make Them Talk” written in 1944 by Heinrich Munchinhausen, while languishing in his hideaway in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

It is said that Death continues to search for his cloak, and once he finds it, will wreak havoc on all those who bought and sold it so recklessly. To escape this wrath, the owner has to prove that he is just as evil, if not more so, than Death himself. Could this recent purchase be the end of the curse of the Cloak of Death?

Kamis, 03 September 2009

Counter-Protester Turns to Cannibalism

Kayotic City, CA – Things turned ugly Wednesday night at a gathering of citizens in favor of President Obama’s Health Care Reform Bill, when a counter-protester ran up to one of the march participants and bit off the tip of his finger. The victim, Phil Langes, was rushed to Los Rabies Hospital and Medical Center’s emergency room; however, the finger tip could not be sewn back on due to the fact that the man who bit it off appears to have swallowed it.

Michael Savage, no relation to Michael Savage, the biter, was arrested on charges of assault and cannibalism and was being held in the Los Angeles County Jail in lieu of $10,000 bond. When asked why he did it, Savage replied “He (Langes) was wagging his finger in my face as I was yelling at him to bite me. In the heat of the moment, my teeth caught his finger and I bit it off unintentionally.” He added, “Ironic, huh?”

A background check conducted on Savage uncovered that this isn’t the first time he’s consumed human flesh. According to a 1988 police report filed in Carnestoga, MD, Savage was accused of taking a bite out of his girlfriend’s neck about the size of a quarter. Although he claims that incident was also an accident (Savage claims it was a love bite gone horribly wrong), he was found guilty of domestic violence and cannibalism and sentenced to 30 days in County Jail.

The victim of Wednesday’s biting incident claims that had he known he was wagging fresh meat in the face of a cannibal, he would have backed off and kept his hands in his pockets. It is possible that the meal Mr. Langes consumed prior to attending the local march could have had something to do with the incident as well. “I had a plate of the most succulent ribs you’ll ever taste just about a half hour before joining in the march. Obviously, I didn’t clean my hands well enough before leaving the restaurant and the cannibal was unable to restrain himself,” said Langes.

According to Clarice Lamb, Los Angeles Assistant Prosecuting Attorney, California has a “three strikes, you’re out” policy. “If Mr. Savage is caught biting anyone else in the future, he could be looking at life in prison,”

In another bizarre twist to this incident, it was reported that due to the fact that Phil Langes did not have health insurance to cover his injuries, a Los Rabies Hospital spokesperson advised that Mr. Langes will have to receive his follow up care at County Hospital. Langes stated “This is precisely why we need nationalized health care. I get bit by some whacko and I can’t even get adequate medical follow up care.”