Kamis, 30 Juni 2011

Letters to the Editor: Sun Valley Acres Trailer Park Weekly Newsletter

Dear Mildred,

Your column last week entitled Obituaries was a tad too long for my tastes. In fact, a couple of us were discussing it and it seemed as if it took up a good half of the newsletter. In the future, we’d appreciate it if you could keep the obituaries down to one or two. Also, it seemed a bit depressing. Perhaps you could throw in a joke or two to lighten the mood in the next issue.

Kindest regards,
Harold Dingley, Row 2, Lot 8, Parkington Circle

Dear Mildred,

Could you please post the names and telephone numbers of all the eligible men who reside in this trailer park? I’m not getting any younger and it’s hard to get out there in my walker and make friends. It would be much easier for me if I knew exactly which trailers to hang out in front of in hopes of striking up a conversation. Of course, all I really have to do is follow that tramp Gertie Halloway around. She can smell a widower a mile away.

Yours in Christ,
Ida Mae MacNabb

Dear Mildred,

I told you I would kill you if you put that picture in the newsletter of me climbing through my dining room window after accidentally locking myself out last month. ha ha. Although I must admit, now that I see myself in print, I don’t look half bad in that leopard-print thong. ha ha. And now Ernest Greebly, the widower from across the street has the hots for me. So, it’s all good, girlfriend. LOL. By the way, my 79th birthday is on Saturday, and I’d like to reserve the party house from 7 to 9 p.m. Let me know if that’s kosher.

Peaches DiNali

Dear Mildred,

Can you do something about that creepy Harry Leechman who lives over on Sun Valley Lane? He keeps showing up at the pool in that ratty orange bathing suit that is so old the elastic is worn out around the legs and just droops down (the suit). It’s getting so we can’t do our morning aquarobics without Harry’s balls staring us in the face.

Grossed Out Granny on Governor’s Place

P.S. Sorry to leave you with those visuals.

Newt Gingrich Challenges Michele Bachmann to Mud Wrestling Match

Just hours after Michele Bachmann told a supporter that the media would love to see a mud wrestling match between her and Sarah Palin, Bachmann’s phone began ringing off the hook.

But it wasn’t supporters congratulating her on her hard stand telling liberals they weren’t gonna get their wish. Surprisingly, it was Newt Gingrich calling to see if there were a chance Michele would wrestle him instead.

Insiders claim that as soon as Gingrich saw news reports of Bachmann telling folks she wasn’t going to mud wrestle Sarah Palin, he was visibly upset. But, they say, the more he thought about it, the more he realized this might be a golden opportunity for him to get into that act.

“Newt’s always said that the thing he loves best about politics is the fact that you can get down and dirty with your opponents,” said Ham String, Newt’s closest adviser. “I could see the light bulb going off over Newt’s head when he realized that there was a possibility of a mud wrestling match between himself and Michele Bachmann.”

Of course, Bachmann’s camp claims not only is Michele not considering a mud wrestling match with any of her opponents, but in regards to Newt Gingrich in particular, she already has a plan in place to get a restraining order against him should he show up at her home with bags of dirt, a hose and a diamond tennis bracelet.

Rabu, 29 Juni 2011

Theoretical Physicist Fails to Impress America's Got Talent Judges with Wormhole Act

Editor's Note: Since America's Got Talent is currently airing a new season, thought I'd reprise this gem I wrote during last season's auditions. Wouldn't you just love to see this act in Vegas?

Things got a little strange Wednesday night in Chicago when a one-man act by the name of Arcus Temporis came on stage armed only with a chalkboard and a piece of chalk and an eraser.

“What is your name?” asked Piers Morgan of this wild-eyed man. In a Swedish accent, the man gave his name, “I am Arcus Temporis and I am 87 years olt,” he said as he took in the huge crowd he stood before.

“And what are you here to do for us tonight, Arcus?” said Piers.

“I vill attempt to proof da exeestence of vormholes by formulating da equation hopefully vidin da 90 seconts dat eest allowed me,” replied the strange little man in a heavy Swedish accent.

Piers replied, “off you go then.”

The little physicist walked up to the blackboard which had the words “Wormhole Theory” written at the top. He began writing his equation with the fury of a madman, thinking, then erasing, then thinking, then erasing, then writing, scribbling furiously to beat the 90-second clock. When time was up and he continued to write, Piers was the first one to buzz the contestant. The other judges buzzed him as well.

“Sorry, Einstein,” Piers quipped, “time’s up.”

Next it was Howie Mandel’s turn to comment, “You seen one wormhole act, you’ve seen them all,” he said as the audience booed.

Sharon Osborne was a little kinder, “I’m sorry Mr. Temporis, but this particular act just wouldn’t cut it in Vegas, but you are such a sweet man, thank you for trying out.”

With that, the contestant known as Arcus Temporis put down his chalk, walked over to the middle of the stage, appeared to be pantomiming unzipping a curtain and walked through the imaginary opening, disappearing completely from the stage.

Republican Governors Not Abducted by Aliens after All

It was a scary 72 hours this weekend when Republican governors Rick Perry of Texas and Bob McDonnell of Virginia suddenly went missing. Both were reported missing by their staff but were told by police that nothing could be done unless they were reported missing by immediate family members.

Conspiracy theorists caught wind of the missing persons reports and immediately began rumors that the governors were abducted by aliens and/or raptured by God. “It was the craziest 72 hours of our lives, but eventually Mr. Perry showed back up on Tuesday morning bright and early, ready to work” said Perry’s top aide Dusty Trail, who turned his face upward toward the heavens and exclaimed “Thank you, Jesus,” a tear trickling down his cheek.

Asked if Perry was acting peculiar upon his reappearance, Trail said he didn’t notice anything way out of the ordinary except for wads of cash sticking out of the pockets of Perry’s new expensive suit. “All I know is, Mr. Perry left the office on Friday in a regular off-the-rack suit from Men’s Warehouse and when he came back Tuesday, he was wearing Armani and throwing twenties at the staff. He was flush with cash.

An almost similar incident played out in Virginia when Bob McDonnell arrived on time Tuesday morning to put in a full day’s work at the governor’s mansion.

The mystery was eventually solved when both governors got back to their offices and started unpacking their swag bags filled with expensive promotional items such as pen sets, coasters, stress relievers, and koozies emblazoned with the name “Koch Industries.”

To the relief of staff members and family, neither Perry nor McDonnell were actually abducted by aliens but, in fact, had secretly attended a lavish Koch Summit in Colorado to meet with some of the wealthiest conservative donors in America.

While, the men’s families were happy to see their loved ones home safe and sound, several of Perry’s family members were a bit disappointed that he’d not been raptured. “There’s no man in Texas more deserving of rapture than Rick Perry,” said his wife.

Senin, 27 Juni 2011

The Peninsula Newt is Silent

Every time I hear the name Newt, as in Newt Gingrich, it reminds me of a funny story about a nature center my husband and I once visited in Myakka, Florida.

Myakka River State Park, one of Florida’s oldest and largest state parks, was only about a 20 minute drive from our home and we went there often, but only once did we actually stop by the nature center to take a look around.

Inside the center were displays of the local flora and fauna, but the real draw of this nature center was an interactive display that showed pictures of various creatures native to the area. Each one had a button that you could press to hear the sound that animal makes. We were having fun pressing the various buttons.

I don’t remember all the sounds, but we listened to various frogs, birds and, of course, the call of the alligator. One button in particular, though, sent us both off into gales of laughter, and we must have pushed it ten or more times, each time laughing harder at the response than the time before.

It was the Peninsula Newt button. As with the other buttons we pressed, we fully expected to hear some kind of tiny little chirp or throaty sound. However, instead of making an animal noise, we were treated to a human voice telling us in a very condescending tone…”The Peninsula Newt is Silent,” accentuating heavily on the Newt.

For days after that visit to the Nature Center, one of us would repeat “the Peninsula Newt is Silent,” and get us going all over again. Throughout the years, that simple statement has made us laugh every time one of us says it.

And then along comes a politician whose first name is Newt. While the name does conjure up a very pleasant memory for me, I can’t help but think these days how great it would be if the Newt Gingrich were silent as well.

Palin Getting Passed Around Like ‘Moonshine at a Hoedown’

Fur started to fly Monday afternoon just hours after Michele Bachmann publicly announced that Sarah Palin would be her top choice for VP in the 2012 presidential elections. This announcement came on the heels of her expected announcement to officially seek the GOP nomination for President in 2012.

When a reporter asked her, “Do you have any clue whom you might want to run alongside you if you do get the GOP nod?” Bachmann didn’t hesitate.

“Oh, that’s an easy one,” she said smiling. “I want Sarah Palin to be my Vice President.” When asked why, Bachmann answered “Well, for one thing, she’s experienced in that area, you know, been there, done that, not to mention the fact that she looks incredible in that red leather jacket.”

Asked if Bachmann thought Palin was better prepared to be VP this time around, she replied, “Don’t really care. If you remember back in 2008, it didn’t matter much when she was running with John [McCain], so I’m not really worried. I think I can carry the ticket for the both of us.”

News spread fast and just a half hour later, Sarah Palin appeared at her own press conference in Iowa with some choice words for Bachmann. “Michele Bachmann is out of her freakin’ mind,” adding, “Well, not totally out of her mind, I guess. She did choose me. But thanks, no thanks Michele. I got better things to do with my time.”

Word travels fast, and almost as soon as she announced her choice for VP, Bachmann recanted her offer. “What an ungrateful b-word. I made a mistake. Palin is so off my presidential ticket.”

Meanwhile, 4 out of the 7 GOP hopefuls have already sent letters to Palin asking if she would consider running as their vice president. Tim Pawlenty allegedly told Bachmann, “Look Michele, if you don’t want her, I’ll take her.”

All this back and forth adds to the rumors that Palin is being passed around between serious Republican candidates like moonshine at a hoe down. This leads to even more rumors that this time around, no one is taking Sarah Palin seriously as a presidential candidate, including Palin herself as she's been quoted more than once saying “I’ve got better things to do with my time.”

Minggu, 26 Juni 2011

Pat Robertson Blasts Glenn Beck for Starting Gay Web Network

Well-known Christian Conservative, Pat Robertson is fuming over the fact that one of his favorite ‘pot stirrers’ has moved over to the dark side.

In a radio interview Friday, Robertson blasted Glenn Beck for eschewing his fanatical belief system and starting up a gay black web internet TV network.

“GBTV is everything the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) is not,” said a visibly upset Robertson in explaining his ire with Beck. Choosing a name to brand yourself with is one of the most important parts of being able to sway millions of people to your side,” he added.

Not one to mince words, Robertson told  Beck, “Had you simply put a “C” for Christian somewhere in your web television name, perhaps no one would be confused, but GBTV? Do you know how many homosexuals are going to be viewing your channel to see what Glenn Beck has to offer?”

When Robertson was corrected and told that GBTV does not stand for Gay Black Television, it did little to assuage his concerns. “Well, it’s a sad day when you have to bring the gay blacks into your business at all,” answered Robertson.

Following the exchange on Friday, Glenn Beck reportedly called an emergency meeting with his lawyers to see if he could have the initials “G” and “B” officially trademarked to stand for Glenn Beck exclusively, but there has been no word on the outcome of that meeting.

What was expected to be smooth sailing ahead for Beck is turning out to be a conservative Christian Mormon’s worst nightmare. 

Jumat, 24 Juni 2011

U.S. Senate to Open Boom-Boom Room for Gentleman Senators

In an effort to keep tabs on the rising number of misbehaving male Senators in Washington, the Senate Appropriations Committee has put aside $60,000 to revamp a vacant office in the Senate Building, turning it into a boom-boom room.

The “Fun Pit” is being designed by noted 70’s interior designer, Ernesto Ball, who is best known for his far out designs using vivid colors, shag carpeting and lots and lots of lava lamps.

“Lava lamps set a sexual mood like nothing else can,” says Ball, who admits he hasn’t been this excited about an interior design job since he totally re-vamped Richard and Pat Nixon’s bedroom in Key Biscayne, Florida in the early 70’s.

“Wait’ll the guys get a load of what I have in store for them,” Ball explained as he showed reporters a quick sketch of the ultimate one-stop fun shop. “Over here, we’ll put a well-stocked bar,” he said. “And we’ll have over-sized cushions strewn about so that our wayward Senators can plop just about anywhere they please and still feel completely comfortable in or out of their own skin (wink-wink).”

Ball is also installing a state-of-the-art light and sound system which will enhance the stage for the paid dancers they expect to hire within the next few weeks.

Sen. John A. Dulterio (D-Minn) is chairman of the steering committee in charge of creating the boom-boom room, and says he is honored to head up such an important and long-overdue project.

“This has been coming for a long time, folks,” said Dulterio. “Had we had the boom-boom room in place when Tony Weiner needed it, well, he wouldn’t have had to take those pictures in a sweaty old gym. He would have had a real swinging place to showcase the body he has obviously spent years to perfect. And,” he added, “Tony wouldn’t have had to look online for girls to ogle him. He’d have had his needs met right here at the Senate.”

Dulterio says the boom-boom room should be operational in time for the holidays, a highly stressful time for most Senators who find it difficult to have to spend so much time at home with their families. “Our guys deserve a little R and R, away from their jobs and their families. The Fun Pit is just our way of telling them, ‘Hey guys, we get it.’”

Rabu, 22 Juni 2011

From the Editor

Correction: A story previously reported on this Blog erroneously referred to two GOP nominees for President as Morons. The correct spelling is Mormons. We apologize for any misconceptions this error may have caused.

Recent Poll Results Indicate 37% of Americans Would Not Vote for a Moron

Ever since Mitt Romney announced his bid for the GOP nomination for President in 2012, America has been embroiled in a controversy, i.e. whether a Moron could actually become President of the United States.

And now, another Moron has launched his candidacy. Former Utah Governor, Jon Huntsman, Jr. announced this week that he will travel the high road in his quest to become the GOP frontrunner for President.

Both men are Morons and as such have a tough row to hoe. “The majority of Americans just do not get Morons,” said Carlotta Finkelstein, professor of Religious Studies at Oral Roberts University.

“Sadly, there is an enormous amount of ignorance out there when it comes to truly understanding Morons and their belief system, or any belief system outside Christianity for that matter,” claims Finkelstein.

Many political pundits are watching this race closely. If a Moron actually does win the GOP nomination, it could very well be the most exciting race since George W. Bush beat John McCain in the 2000 GOP primary.

Selasa, 21 Juni 2011

New Millionaire Diet Totally Eliminates Flatulence

In general terms, the rich in our society believe that they have few flaws, and they work tirelessly to make sure it stays that way. Unfortunately, there are a few bodily functions that keep them just a smidge below perfection.

Some industrious entrepreneurs have addressed those flaws in products such as flatulence odor pads which work to eliminate offending smells associated with gas. It has become a multi-billion dollar industry aimed specifically toward those with unlimited buying power. However, these products are just masking the odors, not getting to the root of the problem.

That is until now. Samuel Sinbad, a Registered Dietician in Santa Barbara, California, has come up with a diet plan that eliminates flatulence forever. Called Nixa-Fiber Pro, the diet combines exercise and a strict dietary plan that together work to eliminate any gas buildup in the body by restricting certain foods.

While flatulence caused by gas in the body is a natural occurrence, Mr. Sinbad claims that he has discovered which foods, when ingested, break down and cause gas and excessive bloating, and he claims it has nothing to do with carbohydrates.

The diet doesn’t come cheap, costing tens of thousands to implement in one’s daily routine, but Sinbad says it’s worth every penny, and he is certain that the image-conscious upper crust will pay just about anything to find out what the secret to this diet is.

Flatulence is no laughing matter to the rich, and if Samuel Sinbad is able to convince just a few of the uber riche to try his new diet, he believes he’ll be able to experience first-hand just how gauche farting can be.

Senin, 20 Juni 2011

Lady Gaga Mistaken for Letterman Band Leader Paul Shaffer

It was quite an embarrassing evening for Lady Gaga Saturday when fans approached her from behind and began shouting “Paul, Paul Shaffer, can I have your autograph?”

Gaga has recently gone bald and while many love her no matter what she looks like, most agree that the look is not one of her best.

“I swear to God,” said one female fan, “I could have sworn it was Paul Shaffer when I approached from the rear. Although,” she says, “I did a double take because it didn’t make sense to me that Shaffer would be wearing short shorts and fishnet stockings.”

Minggu, 19 Juni 2011

Arnold Schwarzenegger Accomplishes Biggest Lifetime Achievement

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been in the news a lot recently due to a story that broke regarding his fathering a love child with his housekeeper many years ago. While this is something he is definitely not proud of, the former Governor of California credits the scandal with bringing to an end one of the biggest irritations of his professional career.

What exactly is that milestone you ask? Actually, this is the first time since Schwarzenegger became a household name that everyone one from 3rd grade up is finally able to correctly spell his last name without Googling it or putting a (?) next to it.

“I have been waiting for this day all my life,” said Schwarzenegger at a recent red carpet event. “I was beginning to think there really was a “t” in the middle of my name. And," he continued, "had I not constantly screwed up in my life, I may never have known the pleasure this day has brought me."

Schwarzenegger has some advice for fellow actors Zach Galifianakis and Shia LaBeouf.

“Get out there men and make some waves any way you can. It’s easier than you think. Just have unprotected sex with a maid or get drunk and run into a fire hydrant. Hell, guys, take drugs if that is what it will take to get your name in the headlines 24/7. Before you know it, you too will be able to read stories about yourself without finding that effin’ question mark following your name.”

Jumat, 17 Juni 2011

Crystal Harris Cancels Wedding After Learning Hef Plans Honeymoon for Five

The Caldwell Triplets are going to have to find something else to do for the next ten days because the honeymoon they were invited to go on with Hugh Hefner and his anticipated new bride Crystal Harris has been cancelled.

Harris would not give a specific reason for cancelling the wedding but insiders claim that the whole event came to a screeching halt when Crystal found five plane tickets in Hef’s smoking jacket for a trip to Tahiti.

“Ms. Harris was devastated to learn that her intended husband had no intention of changing his ways and realized that her honeymoon was going to be more like a ‘honeys moon’ as Sissy, Sassy and Missy Caldwell were invited to share the honeymoon suite with the happy couple,” said an unidentified aid to Mr. Hefner.

This wasn’t the first red flag thrown in Crystal’s face leading up to the wedding. Rumor has it that Hef took it upon himself to plan Crystal’s bachelorette party right down to the Harvey Wallbangers and skinny dipping in the mansion hot tub.

“It was like the 70’s all over again,” said Crystal. How can I compete with the 70’s? I’m only 25 freakin’ years old. Crystal claims that she totally lost it when the Caldwell sisters, who are all visibly over the age of 29, showed up for the party wearing paisley midriffs and daisy dukes.

Asked how she even knew what paisley was, Crystal replied “Oh I know what that is because every freakin’ smoking jacket Hef owns is lined with it. In fact,” she said, “I think I may be ruined for life because every time I see paisley now, I get an image of an old wrinkly man. Jesus, what the hell was I thinking?” she said as she left the mansion.

Kamis, 16 Juni 2011

Rioting in Vancouver Saves Couple’s Marriage

Photo: Rich Lam/Getty Images

Rick Barris, a resident of Vancouver, British Columbia, now knows what he has to do to keep the embers of his marriage smoldering—throw rocks and bottles at police cars.

Rick was caught in the middle of a downtown riot after the Vancouver Canucks hockey team lost to the Boston Bruins 4-0 thereby losing the Stanley Cup. He was taking his wife Katie home after the game and found himself in a situation where it was fight for your life or run like a chicken. Rick decided to fight, but he wasn’t prepared for the reaction it got from Katie, who happens to be an even bigger fan than he of the Canucks.

“I saw Rick chucking bricks at police cars and helping overturn them and got so excited, I just can’t explain it. I know what he was doing was wrong,” she continued, tossing her blond locks to one side and smiling ever so slightly, “but it really turned me on. I stopped Rick, mid-brick, and told him ‘take me here, take me now,’ and we ended up making love right in the middle of the riots.”

The couple had been going through a real rough patch in the bedroom ever since Rick was told he had high blood pressure and was prescribed medication. “We tried everything,” said Katie. “Gels, lotions, potions, porn and more, but the flame was out and we were headed for divorce,” she said.

Rick agreed. “Yeah, just before the game, as a matter of fact, I had told Katie that I was thinking of just chucking it in and going back to live with my mom. I’m a huge Canucks fan,” he said, “but I couldn’t be happier that the Bruins kicked their ass.”

Rick claims that he doesn’t know what got into Katie but thinks it had something to do with them both being surrounded by flames, mayhem, and danger “and there I was making hot, passionate love to my wife right in the middle of it all. Now I know literally what it feels like to be Bruce Willis in his Die Hard days,” said Rick.

Rick says he and Katie have discussed what happened at length and have agreed that if they’re fortunate, they can find enough brawls to get involved in on an ongoing basis so that Rick will never have to take a tiny blue pill again for as long as he lives.

Patio Pal Pot Plant Kit Receives Conditional US Patent

An enterprising inventor has just announced his success in obtaining a conditional patent for a garden container he calls the “Patio Pal Pot Plant Kit.”

Bartholomew “Bongo “ Jones, age 74, has been working on obtaining a patent for the Patio Pal for three years and was delighted when he finally received word that his invention has passed the second of three hurdles in becoming an item that can be sold in stores nationwide [legally].

“Unfortunately,” said Bongo, “the last hurdle is the killer”…getting the feds to allow him to sell drug paraphernalia across state lines. However, once that glitch is worked out, Bongo claims that it is only a matter of a few months before consumers will be able to purchase the Patio Pal Pot Plant Kits complete with several different varieties of seeds at their local medical marijuana dispensaries [in states with medical marijuana laws on the books].

“All you will need is your medical marijuana card, a patio, and a green thumb,” claims the gardening grandpa,“and you’ll be growing your own pot from a hanging pot on your porch just like the professionals.”

Fashioned after the highly popular ‘Topsy Turvy’ upside down tomato planter, Bongo claims you can grow your pot in either direction. “Grow them right side up,” says Bongo, “or upside down to goof on your friends. It’s your choice.”

Bongo guarantees the special hybrid cannabis seeds he sells with the pot (growing container) are designed to grow low to the soil, but at the same time retain all the medicinal properties of plants three or four times their height.

The kits should be in local dispensaries come late summer in time for the fall growing season.

Rabu, 15 Juni 2011

Woman Injured After Practicing Faulty Feng Shui

Gladys Schumwerner of Columbus, Ohio suffered a broken finger and several lacerations after the laughing Buddha she attached to a wire hanging from her ceiling fell, hitting her squarely in the left hand. It was the third in several unfortunate mishaps since Gladys decided to change her luck by re-arranging her home to allow the chi to flow more effectively.

“It’s called Feng Shui,” said Gladys from the emergency room of the Mercy Medical Center near her home, “and it is supposed to make your life better as you practice it.” But Schumwerner admits the only thing she’s gotten out of it so far is bad luck.

Just last week, Gladys was taken to the emergency room with slight burns on her scalp. “I was trying to arrange Tibetan prayer flags on by back patio,” said Gladys. “I’ve always loved the colorful square patches of material. Unfortunately, I lost my grip on the flags and the string of them fell across the lit citronella candle I had on a nearby table. Who knew those suckers were so flammable?”

 Gladys admits she may have cut a few cosmic corners in trying to ‘Feng Shui’ her home and surroundings. But she says not everything was entirely her fault. For instance, she claims that the electric miniature ‘Abundance Fountain’ she bought at the dollar store was defective. “So much for saving money,” said Gladys. “That tripping incident cost me two chipped teeth and a sprained ankle,” she added with a slight whistle.

Asked if she was finished with trying to change her luck, Gladys said she wasn’t. “I still firmly believe in Feng Shui, but now I’m proof positive that it has a dark side. From now on, I’m gonna stick with what I know.” Which is? “Rabbits’ feet, four-leaf clovers, and lots and lots of prayer,” she answered.

Selasa, 14 Juni 2011

Can Newt Gingrich Stay Out of Trouble with Bachmann and Palin in GOP Race

In order for Newt Gingrich to be able to compete in a widening field of candidates for the GOP Presidential nomination, he’s had to come clean about his past womanizing. While no one is really buying his excuse that his passion for his country led him to act inappropriately at times, that very passion may just be his downfall again if Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin continue their individual quests for the same nomination.

It’s cost Newt a half million in jewelry so far to keep his wife Callista happy. Image how much more it’s gonna cost if he spends too much time on the campaign trail bumping into those two conservative sirens. Many are asking if he’ll be able to tame his passion in view of the fact that both women are reasonably attractive and both claim to be extremely patriotic themselves. The temptation may prove to be too much for Newt.

Actually, during Monday’s GOP debate where several close ups caught Gingrich appearing just a little too happy to be situated next to Michele Bachmann, bets were already on that he’s looking to extend his line of credit at Tiffany’s.

Senin, 13 Juni 2011

House Gym Gets Thorough Scrubbing as More Weiner Photos Surface

The cleaning staff at the Rayburn House Office Building in Washington, D.C. has been asked to give a thorough scrubbing to the entire members’ gym area after more illicit photos surfaced showing half-naked NY Rep. Anthony Weiner. Weiner admits taking the photos of himself in various stages of undress using his Blackberry and a mirror.

Members began voicing concerns about the cleanliness of the gym, and, in fact, many members refused to use the gym until it was scrubbed from floor to ceiling to remove any and all ‘unsanitary’ substances from the tiled interior. Weiner denies he did nothing more than take photos, however, members are not taking any chances.

Rep. Herman Barnsfield, a 72-year old Independent from Averill, Vermont claims he hasn’t been able to use the gym since, in his words ‘that Weiner guy sullied its hallowed space,’ referring to the sauna that Barnsfield has frequented daily since 1986. While no photos were actually found depicting Weiner in the sauna, many members believe there isn’t one area that his Blackberry and he [Weiner] hasn’t had their way with.

Meanwhile, many are calling it a supreme irony that Weiner has hired a law firm to try and get the courts to issue a restraining order against anyone posting the very photos he so willingly displayed on the internet just weeks ago. So far there hasn’t been a ruling, but one court official who has seen the photos says they’re pretty sure the Judge won’t grant the request due to the fact that “you can see way more than that on the internet just by Googling the word ‘weiner.’”

Sabtu, 11 Juni 2011

Employees with Glass Stairs Shouldn’t Wear Dresses

Gives a whole new meaning to 'things are looking up'

That’s the consensus among skirt-wearing employees at the newly built Ohio Courthouse.  Anyone with a view up to the wazoo, including male kilt wearers, are being warned that they could be subjected to peeping toms below if they choose to take the stairs instead of the elevator. The only other option is for all the employees to start wearing trousers, which many women, especially Pentecostals, refuse to do.

“Talk about a room with a view,” says career peeping Tom, Abner Magee. “This building is a dream come true for me.”

Abner claims when he heard about the bathroom experiment in downtown NYC, [where people going in could see out but those looking at the free-standing restrooms from the outside could not see in], he thought it was a step in the right direction.

“But I was frustrated,” he said. “I would hang around outside those toilets all day long watching pretty girls go in, but couldn’t find one angle that would allow me to even get a glimpse of what was going on inside.” On more than one occasion, Magee was removed from the areas outside the see-thru toilets and eventually asked to leave New York City altogether.

Originally from Chicago, Abner Magee moved to Columbus immediately upon hearing about the glass staircase. “We don’t have any easy access buildings like this in Chitown, so I pretty much have to go where the action is,” said Magee from a jail cell that overlooks the new courthouse.

Magee was arrested just moments after arriving in downtown Columbus and entering the new building. “In retrospect,” he said” I guess the binoculars were a dead give away.”

For those with more self-control, the Franklin County Common Pleas Court building is located at 345 S. High Street, Columbus, Ohio. Proper ‘dress’ attire is required.

Kamis, 09 Juni 2011

Ann Coulter Hides Huge Secret on Piers Morgan Tonight

Ann Coulter appeared on Piers Morgan Tonight last night and, while she was her usual abrasive self when it came to all things political, she would not give an inch when Piers tried to pry some personal information out of her.

An impromptu survey after the show was sent to 300 viewers who were asked their opinion of why Ann Coulter was so coy when it came to her personal life. It was surprising to find out that 57% of those polled believed it was because Coulter doesn’t want anyone to find out about a gay lover.

“She’s been engaged several times to men, but each time it has ended badly,” said Paula Polochnikova, head of the ‘Ann Coulter Watchdog Group’ based in Roanoke, Virginia. “Her behavior toward men is appalling, but watch her expression whenever someone mentions Sarah Palin. She lights up like a Christmas tree.” Polochnikova claims that the only reason Coulter bashes Palin once in awhile is to throw the mainstream media off her trail.

“Oh yeah, she’s gay alright,” said Sylvia Shemano. “Every time I see that woman on television, my gaydar goes off like a Geiger counter. That voice alone screams lesbian.” Shemano claims she has also heard the rumor about Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter and doesn’t find it that far-fetched.

Another respondent says that he has also heard those rumors but doubts that Sarah Palin would go for someone like Coulter. “While I am certain that Ann Coulter is living a secret gay lifestyle,” said Germano Honduras, “I don’t believe it has anything to do with Sarah Palin.”

Germano is convinced that Ann Coulter was once Andrew Coulter,” following a conspiracy theory that has been making the rounds for at least a decade or more.

Since Coulter won’t respond to any questions about her personal life, it is safe to assume that she doesn’t care one way or the other if people think she is gay, obsessed with Sarah Palin, or is secretly dating Selma Hayek, which is puzzling when Coulter takes every opportunity she can get to bash the very people she’s hiding in her closet.

As Polochnikova says, “She’s just trying to throw off the scent.”

Rabu, 08 Juni 2011

Sarah Palin Has ‘Todd’ Tattoo Removed

Where 'Todd' Used to Be

In yet another breaking story from an undisclosed source that the Palins are divorcing, a supposed cosmetic surgeon in Phoenix has neither confirmed nor denied that she performed a tattoo removal for Sarah Palin. But sources close to the sometimes on again, sometimes off again presidential candidate confirm that indeed, the ‘Todd’ tattoo Sarah got in college has been removed.

“This is just one more indication that the Palins are headed for Splitsville,” said Carrie Cassowary, the undisclosed source mentioned above, whom no one is certain even writes for the Globe.

Cassowary goes on to state that the tattoo ‘1st Dude’ on Sarah’s upper right shoulder blade is staying. “It’s generic enough that it doesn’t require removal and may just come in handy come November 2012.” 

Selasa, 07 Juni 2011

Satan Tired of Being Blamed for Internet Porn-Related Scandals

Word has it that old Beelzebub is furious these days over being blamed for everything from pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s hoohah to Anthony Weiner’s bulging BVD’s. He claims that he’s tired of being a catchall for mankind’s failure to control their sexual desires.

“Why is it when I open the paper and read yet another story about a well-liked politician who’s been caught with his hand in his drawers, there is always a reference to some kind of evil making them do it?” says Satan. “I mean, for Christ’s sake, no pun intended, do you honestly think I waste my time on such piddly matters as this? I’ve got my hands full with deadly disasters like tornados and earthquakes. Seriously,” he continued, “hurricane season has just started. I’m full up man.”

Satan says that truth be told, he thinks if anyone should be blamed it’s Al Gore. “I mean really, didn’t he take credit for inventing the internet? It’s just like man to create something half-assed and then try to fix it after it starts causing problems,” said the frustrated Lord of the Underworld. “Did anyone ever think that free access to porn might be a problem somewhere down the line?” In fact, he claims that Al Gore may have just invented the internet so that he [Gore] could peruse live pornography in the privacy of his own home.

While on the subject, the Prince of Darkness claims that he’s sick and tired of wrongdoers invoking his name every time they get in a jam. “I am not kidding,” he said. “If I hear the phrase ‘the Devil made me do it,’ or ‘Idle hands are the Devil’s plaything,’ one more time, I swear to God I’m gonna smite someone.”

In closing, Satan had this to say, “Look, people, I’m not interested in the lesser sins like adultery or coveting thy neighbor’s wife or even his ass, or even his wife’s ass. The only way I’m gonna take the blame for your sins is if you commit some really big crime like genocide or act like a God when you know damned well you are just a mortal. Until then, quit trying to lay the guilt trip on me and fess up to your own shortcomings,” and with that, he lit a few wildfires in Arizona to prove his point.

Minggu, 05 Juni 2011

Sarah Palin Totally Baffled on New England History Tour

As Sarah Palin wound down her One Nation tour of New England, one thing was abundantly clear to all who came in contact with her. She needed a lesson or two in the history department.

From the Liberty Bell to the Statue of Liberty, Sarah Palin uttered the same phrase over and over again—“I did not know that,” leaving some to wonder if this trip she was taking was a way to get her up to speed on American History in case she does make up her mind to run for President.

In addition to “I did not know that,” she was also overheard saying things like “get outta here” and “you’re joking right?” and the overall consensus was that she mostly just did not know a lot of stuff. For instance, when told that the Battle of the Little Bighorn was not fought in Massachusetts, she uttered an audible “You’re just messing with me now, right?”

There were also reports that Sarah Palin kept her 10-year old daughter, Piper, close at hand to help fill in the gaps when someone more knowledgeable was not convenient. At one point, Piper was caught on camera giving mom a quick lesson in government telling her, “No, mama, Abraham Lincoln did not sign the Declaration of Independence.”

With Fox footing the tab for the “family vacation,” Sarah Palin has proven once again that it’s not what you know but who you know. She may not know Diddly, but she sure can tell you whose face is on the $100 bill. “It’s that kite guy, right?”

Sabtu, 04 Juni 2011

Female Soccer Fans Experiencing Diego Forlan Withdrawal Pains

Ed. Note: With the news that Diego Forlan is happy playing for the Spanish team, Atletico Madrid, and won't be sold to another team, I thought I'd reprise this story I wrote during the last World Cup instead of trying to write another story which might possibly expose my limited knowledge about all things international soccer. I just think Diego Forlan is cute.

“Diego Forlan--Ohhhh he’s so dreamy,” read the headlines of the front-page story in the Miami Herald weeks ago when Diego Forlan first caught the attention of women soccer fans worldwide. According to the story, this sentiment was echoed all over the world as female soccer fans tuned into the World Cup just to catch a glimpse of Forlan, lead striker for the Uruguayan team, strut across the soccer field like a Greek athlete, nay God. The headline now reads “World Cup Over. No More Chances to Watch Diego Forlan on Television. Women Weep Uncontrollably.”

After news broke that Forlan was chosen as the top player of the World Cup, women everywhere took it as a good news/bad news scenario. Said Rosita Rosana Hernando Discreeto from her Miami bedroom, from which she hasn’t emerged since realizing the Cup was over and there were no more chances to see Forlan play ball unless she subscribed to the International Channels on Sky TV which are so totally overpriced as to make her think it would be cheaper just to catch a flight to Montevideo and stalk her favorite player, “Dees ees so steenkeen’ unfair ju know? I was like all up in my TV watching Diego, fantasizing about our life together and having his cheeldren, and then he does thees to me. Steenkeen’ men, who needs them, ju know? But at least I’m glad he won that Golden Ball award, but why just one golden ball? He deserved two.”

Rosita’s husband, Juan has tried everything to get Rosita out of the bedroom, “but she just sits there on the bed playing the vuvuzela I bought for her at the Dollar General and singing Spanish love songs to herself,” said Juan.

“Get out of my room, Juan, can’t you see I am greeveeng over the loss of my only true love I’ve ever known?” screamed Rosita, as she sobbed into the body pillow she so aptly nicknamed “Diego.”