John Boehner Submits Doodle Pages as Serious Debt Plan

Several sources in Washington who have been following the debt ceiling talks closely have indicated that a lack of golf has turned John Boehner into a bit of a monster. Tired of hearing the President intimate that his party is doing nothing to get the matter resolved, Boehner stood his ground and offered up one last debt plan which he believes the President will accept.

“It is my doodle pad,” said Boehner. Every idea I’ve come up with in the past couple of weeks is within those pages. I say if President Obama wants us to get serious about reducing debt and moving forward on a balanced budget, he’ll find everything he needs right there.”

“Of course,” Boehner continued, “I’d hope that he overlooks the caricatures I’ve drawn of him, and the anagrams I’ve made out of his name, such as 'Baa Crab Amok,' 'A Baa Bra Mock,' and my personal favorite 'Maraca Kabob.'”

White House Hires Dr. Phil to Mediate Debt Ceiling Negotiations

I don't know what the heck he's saying,
 but I'll agree to anything to get him to shut up

What started as a debate between the White House and Republicans on whether or not to raise the nation’s debt ceiling has become one of the largest political standoffs in America’s history.

The whole thing has devolved into a brouhaha, and as a result, the President has finally asked for help from one of the greatest “fix it” guys in the business, Dr. Phil McGraw.

Asked to mediate a settlement in the debt ceiling negotiations, Dr. Phil has been placed in a room with both sides present and strict orders issued that no one leaves the room until a settlement has been reached.

Sources say the President believes that just having to listen to Dr. Phil is enough to push a quick settlement, and although the Republicans have promised to ‘dig their heels in’ and not let anything deter them from their commitment to seeing that President Obama fails at these meetings, it appears this latest move by the President may just be the game changer.

Dr. Phil’s opening statement has been released and gives a good indication of exactly what the both sides are up against in trying to maintain their position:

“First off, let me tell you guys and gals, this ain’t my first debt rodeo, so don’ try and pull the pig outta the slop on my watch.

Ok, let’s get this rig a rollin’. I understand y’all got some scores to settle, and I’m there with ya. But understand that if you can’t settle those scores with your belts set on the same notch as me, then we ain’t gonna get no place no how.

I’ve been a clinical psychologist for more years than you all have been in diapers and let me just say that this type of behavior just ain’t gonna fly that bi-plane alone, you got that?

My lovely wife, who is sitting right over there (points), is one helluva woman, and I can tell you she ain’t gonna let you walk out of this room without a wink and a howdedoo, if you catch my drift.

Now, let’s see what y’all’s bellyaching is about and how deep in the doodoo we gotta go to make the positive side of the battery spark.

To Boehner, “Ok John, Let’s get those apple seeds a planted. What are your thoughts on getting this here ceiling painted a neutral color?”

By all indications, there should be a settlement reached any minute now.

Today’s Top Republican Headlines

Rick Perry Announced Today His Readiness to Announce His Announcement of Whether or Not He is Considering Announcing His Announcement to Seek the GOP Nomination for President of the United States – Austin American-Statesman

Grover Norquist Denies He Was Once a Furry Blue Muppet – The Cleveland Plain Dealer

Michele Bachmann Worries She May Be Raptured Before Becoming the First Female President – StarTribune

John Boehner’s Tan Fading, Says He’s Ready to Make a Deal with Obama – Golfer’s Weekly Digest

Newt Gingrich’s Personal Debt Ceiling Raised - Richmond Times-Dispatch

Former Vice President Dick Cheney Suggests Waterboarding May Bring About Debt Ceiling Solution – Wyoming Tribune Eagle

Former President George W. Bush ‘Happy as a Pig in Slop’ He’s No Longer President – Dallas-Ft. Worth News

Millions of Americans Trapped Below Middle Class without Rescue Plan

Rescuers are busy on a plan to reach millions of Americans who have become trapped somewhere between middle class and lower class without much of a chance of survival. They claim a level of greed several hundred feet thick is separating the trapped Americans from reaching the upper crust.

While several escape plans have been formulated, none of them seem to be iron-clad winners and therefore, have not been put into action as yet. The committee put in charge of the rescue plan claims they are unable to put the effort and resources into such a large plan until after the mid-term elections have determined who the next group of rescuers will be. “It’d be like taking money from one cause and putting it toward another,” said one rescue operation manager, “we just can’t afford to spend our election money on anything other than getting our people elected.”

Some say if the Democrats win a majority of the Senate seats, the trapped Americans may see some relief, although slow in coming, which means several hundred thousand may still end up worse off than they are at present. Some have just run out of the resources to wait. Some are living with one foot outside their front doors, while their homes are falling away from them.

Word getting back to the upper crust tells a story of horror as those caught below recount how they have been able to survive thus far. May Smith from Snap Bean, SC claims she’s gotten by barely. “I’ve had to claw a corner of the space down here for myself to grow my own vegetables. My family takes turns guarding the patch at night from others who are so busy standing in lines trying to get one or two steps up that they end up without the resources to feed their families. Some are busy clipping coupons. It helps, but unless you can buy two of everything, which we can’t, a coupon isn’t worth much.”

Others say that if the Republicans get in, they don’t know if there will be a rescue at all. Barney Cratchett from Crockett, Kansas claims he’s voted Republican ever since he’s been of age to vote, but isn’t quite sure this year. “You hear stories down here, you know?” Stories about Ronald Reagan and how his economics was good enough for us in the 80’s, they may be good enough for us now. Without any bankers or lawyers or professional folks down here to run that kind of economic thinking past, I’m just not sure the money’s gonna reach this far down and without it reaching past maybe the 1^st or second level tier, down here at level 4, we may be waiting a long time to be rescued.”

Sally Farnsworth, a single 50’s Wal-mart worker who has found herself at the bottom of the lower middle class level says the same. “It’s freakin’ scary to think about. I’m driving a 2000 Kia Rio. Sure, 100,000 mile, 10-year warranty, but that expired last May. I need a new muffler and brake system. Do the rescuers know that? I doubt it.”

Meanwhile, needless holes are being dug to reach the trapped middle class. Said one rescuer “It’s hit or miss, that’s all we can say. We try extending unemployment benefits, but at what cost? We try helping defray things like medical costs and high credit card interest rates, but the insurance companies and banks aren’t willing to even come out to the rescue site to see how they might lend a hand.”

Everyone involved in the rescue effort agrees on one thing, without everyone chipping in and trying to come up with a solution, the middle class are going to remain trapped for a while longer and the best we can do is pipe down a few creature comforts and hope that by Christmas, they can all come up for a short breather.

Bush/Cheney 2012 – The Next Generation

Dick Cheney is said to be planning a not-so-surprise comeback for the 2012 presidential election and he’s doing it this time vicariously through his daughter, Liz Cheney. Due to his dissatisfaction with the way the conservative party has so far been running (or not running) things, Cheney has again decided that the only way to get things back on track is to re-infuse some pure Cheney/Bush blood into the race.

Although Dick feels that he and George W. Bush were perhaps the most ideally paired Presidential team since, well, ever, and there will never be another like them, which we certainly can’t argue with; and, as much as he would like to take the reins himself, he’s just not that sure about his health and that is ultimately what is keeping him from running.

Yes, the die-hard, irrepressible Mr. Cheney has a new plan of action that he’s working on worming into the Republican psyche little by little. We’re talking about the plan to offer up his daughter, Liz Cheney, to run as Vice President to Jeb Bush’s run for President. Can’t you just feel that Dick genius starting to move the masses again?

While Dick is trotting Liz Cheney out to every conservative gathering hosted by everyone from the NRA to the Republican Party itself, Daddy George H.W. Bush, at Dick’s command, is pushing Jeb onto the cable news shows with a full schedule of the old fake-out “no, nope, I’m not running,” so that when the time comes, conservatives everywhere will be begging him to run.

There may be a couple of things that could nip this pairing in the bud before it even happens, though. Word has it that Jeb and Liz aren’t that fond of one other ever since they got in each other’s face way back when at a Kennebunkport gathering, when Jeb, quite a bit older than Liz, told her to “quit following me around like a puppy dog.” “Since then, they find it difficult to be in the same room together, let alone even consider a presidential pairing,” claims an unidentified source.

So how, then, do Dick and H.W. plan on pulling off this shotgun presidential campaign? Some say Dick has his ways. “He’s not above torture, if that’s what it takes to make those kids see how important this is for the country,” said the same source, wishing with all his heart not to be identified.

While he may not sink so low as to waterboard his own daughter, which she would totally approve of, by the way, he could threaten her and Jeb by other means. Suffice it to say, he has the mindset and the wherewithal to get the job done.

Toilet Paper Nation (TPN)--Youngest Grassroots Party to Take on Washington

Butte, MT – A new right-wing fringe political party calling itself the Toilet Paper Nation or (TPN) is the latest and youngest grassroots movement to go after what they believe is a Washington that is out of touch with the youth of America.  The party, made up of mostly high school sophomores, has a simple message for Washington’s business as usual, “Washington, Sh*t or Get off the Pot.”

In an interview today on the Jeff Gray Morning Show on Butte radio station KMBR, Toilet Paper Nation organizer, Hugh R. Cuttinem, 17, explained why he and fellow Toilet Paperer, Nadine Gullberry, decided to start the Toilet Paper Nation. “About a year ago, a few of us Tea Party (TP) teenagers got together after attending a Tea Party rally with our folks, and started shooting the sh*t about how sick and tired we were of Washington flushing our parents’ tax dollars down the toilet, so to speak. We realized how the Tea Party just wasn’t well, our cup of tea. There were too many irregularities in what they stood for. That’s when Nadine said, ‘You know, every time I see TPN, I think Toilet Paper Nation, not Tea Party Nation. From then on, the puns started flowing and what originally started as a joke just gained momentum. We got back to school on Monday and told a few friends and by the end of the day, we had TP delegates in 14 states thanks to Twitter and Facebook. We now have delegates in just about every state.

Cuttinem claims that they are already looking at backing a couple of candidates who are thinking of running in this year’s state races and thinks they have a chance mainly due to their high moral fiber. The teens have been contacted by Joe the Plumber, who has indicated a real willingness to join the TP movement and run for office in Ohio. Just this past weekend, Joe gave a short statement to the press about his disenchantment with the Republican Party and John McCain in particular. He was quoted as saying “McCain was just using me as the face of middle America. He lied to me and he lied to America. I don’t owe him sh*t.” Said Cuttinem, “You see? Joe’s already using the lingo. He’s gonna be a great asset to our movement.”

Gullberry couldn’t agree with Joe more. “We’re the right party for him because we are flush with young, new ideas to turn this country around. We are all about the constitution, and Joe would make a perfect Senator. Just because we are sophomores in high school, doesn’t mean we can’t get involved in the electoral process. In fact, some of our classmates really like the idea. Instead of calling us nerds, we are now known around the country as ‘terds,’” she said proudly, "and soon, hopefully, Joe the Plumber is gonna be the biggest terd of all in Ohio.”

The only problem the group foresees right now is who their #1 and #2 candidates in the 2012 Presidential election should be. Cuttinem says that the old farts, like Dick Cheney, need not apply. “We’re looking more toward Glenn Beck as a possibility for the #1 terd spot, and there is a another guy who we have our eye on by the name of William M. ‘B.M.’ Daley, nephew of Chicago’s Mayor Daley, who is as fed up as us with the two-party system and is chomping at the bit to break from his family’s Democratic roots and run in a grassroots capacity for the Senate seat left vacant by Barack Obama and presently held by Roland Burris, who won’t be running for re-election.”

Grey asked Cuttinem if all the “toilet humor” will wear a bit thin toward election time, ruining their chances of being taken seriously. Cuttinem replied, “[N]ope, young voters relate really well to us and at the same time, we’re being taken just as serious as everyone else who wants to do their business in Washington. The double entendre will serve us well in the upcoming races. It is what people remember about us, and in politics, that’s the only way to roll when building a strong movement.”

Paliens Infiltrate Sarah Palin’s Events with Little Notice

Little is known about the group calling itself “Paliens” but sources have indicated that they are a group of clairvoyants who are secretly infiltrating Sarah Palin events and using their supernatural powers to alter the intelligence of Palin herself. It is believed that the Paliens are part of a larger, more universal group that goes by the name of “Libertaliens.”

So highly evolved are the Paliens’ thought patterns that they are able to not only sneak past security at all of Palin’s speaking engagements around the world, but they are also able to send silent signals to Palin, herself, willing her to misspeak and create controversy in order to singlehandedly bring down the Republican Party and cause a new, more powerful political party to rise up, driven by those intent on taking their country back from the existing government.

Some say that this is becoming a reality as the party whose beliefs and ideology most closely resembles this vision, the Libertarians, are becoming increasingly stronger on the political scene, managing to snap up the many inconsequential political posts in small-town elections, such as comptrollers, commissioners, and court clerks, with the belief that these posts will lead them to control the towns as constables and mayors, and eventually lead to one of the strongest candidates becoming President of the United States.

Disguising themselves in the colors of the aurora borealis, Paliens appear to be like anyone else in attendance at the various Palin book signing events and other Palin speaking engagements, and in fact, may look strikingly similar to your friends or neighbors. But upon closer look, you notice the glazed look in their eyes and the fervent nature of their speech which are both supposedly dead giveaways.

No one yet has had the courage to ask the person next to them if they are, in fact a Palien because of the powerful dread that overcomes them when seated next to one. “I swear I was sitting next to a Palien over in Point Lookout, MO when Sarah Palin spoke at the College of the Ozarks.” The reason I think this is because the man kept referring to Sarah as the great ‘Miss Communicator’ and when I corrected him to say that Sarah did not miscommunicate anything, he replied ‘no, I mean Miss Communicator’ as in ‘Miss Missouri’, ‘Miss America’, indeed ‘Miss Universe.’ He said it just like that. It was eerie. I started to believe everything he and Sarah Palin said with such conviction.”

So why Sarah Palin and why now? The only conclusion we can come up with is that ever since the Libertalien sub-group known as the “Qualiens” botched its attempt to bring down the Republican Party during George H.W. Bush’s campaign for President in 1988, by dumbing down the responses made by Dan Quayle at various media events, the Libertaliens have been looking for another candidate capable of carrying out their vision of putting a Libertalien in the White House.

The Paliens have come back stronger this time as is evident in the way that the Republican Party is trying to distance itself from Sarah Palin, but at the same time, many conservative politicians are drawn to her when seeking endorsements for upcoming senate races. Many of these conservative politicians have secretly mentioned a repulsion they have for knowing that they must ask Palin for her endorsement. For instance, Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL) (no relation to Star Trek’s Captain James T. Kirk that we know of), in November of 2009, felt an overwhelming urge to ask for Sarah Palin’s endorsement for his upcoming senate run in 2010.

It is supposedly believed by the Paliens that the more conservative political careers Palin can destroy, the more Libertarian-like candidates can step up to the plate and actually attempt a take-back of the United States government. In fact, it is possible that the very person these Paliens are channeling through, Sarah Palin, may be their ultimate choice to rule their new Republic come 2012, as it is becoming increasingly evident that Miss Communicator is starting to believe the rhetoric the Paliens are willing her to recite.

Senate Democrats Should be Sent to Reform School

In the wake of the systematic butchering of the Senate version of the health care reform bill almost single-handedly by Sen. Joe Lieberman (Dem/Ind/Rep/Lib-CN), it has been suggested that not only Lieberman, but all Democrats should be sent to Reform School to learn the meaning of the word reform.

Let’s review. According to several sources, including the latest census polls, approximately 47 million, or roughly 1 out of 3 Americans, are without health insurance in this country. That isn’t counting the folks who are underinsured. Healthcare reform is not an issue of “should it be accomplished?” It is an issue of “when will it be accomplished?”

The original intent of health care reform called for by President Obama would effectively accomplish three important things:

1. Make healthcare insurance coverage affordable to all;

2. Extend coverage to all regardless of pre-existing conditions and not allow denial of coverage for certain procedures; and

3. Improve the quality of health care for all through investing in updated technology and focusing on preventive care.

Sounds easy enough right? Just give those pesky insurance companies a little incentive to become a little more competitive in their premium pricing by offering a public health option that would allow all those uninsured folks who can’t afford the more expensive private health insurance premiums to buy into a government program, allow folks with existing medical conditions to be able to buy affordable health insurance, and allow coverage for more than just being sick, i.e. coverage for preventive healthcare screenings. Right. And therein squats the toad.

Insurance companies like making their huge profits year after year and sitting on their piles of money. They weren’t about to take this lying down, well at least, if they did take it lying down, they’d want to still be on top. So what did they do? Well, they took some of those profits and they gave them to charities all over the world to show what nice guys they are so that the government would get off their backs. Ha ha, just joking to see if you are still paying attention. Actually, they are using some of those profits to buy themselves some high-priced lobbyists, PR professionals, and attorneys to ensure (not insure) that no one, especially some poor out-of-work slob, will get the opportunity to actually afford the product they are selling, because, God forbid, he might get sick and need to file a claim. And you know what? It’s money well spent because it seems to be working!

With the help of most Democrats, the lobbyists are winning with their lies and their deceit. They are systematically making a mockery of our legislative process. And the bill passed by the House is but a mere memory in the wake of what has become a Senate bill that, if it were to be passed today, would:

1. Hand over millions of premium-paying customers to the very insurance companies originally targeted as being the culprits who put us in this mess in the first place, by making it mandatory for all Americans to carry health insurance coverage, whether they can afford it or not. And no guarantee that the premiums won’t rise and it won’t be business as usual once the bill is passed.

2. Allow coverage for pre-existing conditions; however, allowing the insurance companies to charge much higher premiums for high-risk policy holders, making it difficult for them to afford the policies and once again, forcing them to remain uninsured and come under the ire of the government for not carrying health insurance.

3. Not provide a government option, be it public option or a buy-in to Medicare at an earlier age for those who cannot afford private health insurance, which would, of course, force the insurance companies to become a little more competitive in their pricing.

What a deal huh?

But here’s a word of advice, don’t let it get to you. The more you worry about it, the sicker you’ll get, and as it stands now, since you started worrying about it before you sought help for worrying about it, you will not be able to file a claim for your stress-related illness as it will be deemed a pre-existing condition.

So I say that unless and until we send those Senators to reform school to toughen them up and get them some lessons in what reform really means, we will continue the flawed process of seeing any bill, no matter how impressive it once was, not only whittled down to mere inconsequence, but built back into a stronger pro-insurance company bill by those with the fattest wallets and the biggest mouths.

Duct Tape to Preserve Political Careers

Washington, D.C. – It was announced today by a Republican Party spokesperson that commencing immediately, rolls of duct tape will be made available, at the entrance to the House and Senate chambers, to those Republican lawmakers who cannot seem to control themselves. “While healthy debate is encouraged in most instances, we find it necessary to impose a form of restraint at this point in the juncture on those lawmakers who are so passionate as to dishonor Congress,” said Leuce Lipsingships, Secretary of the House Decorum Committee.

The need for this action was spurred by two separate incidences where Republican lawmakers not only brought attention to their own inadequacies as human beings, but also ultimately created an embarrassment for their colleagues.

The first incident happened earlier this week when California Assemblyman, Mike Duvall, believing that he was having a private “kiss and tell” conversation with a fellow assemblyman, admitted not only to adultery, but to having two mistresses, one of which is identified as a lobbyist working for a large energy company. Without being aware he was being videotaped live during the legislative session, Duvall bragged about his prowess at spanking his mistress, stating, in a sultry voice to his captive audience, “who’s your daddy now, bitch?”

In an unrelated case out of Washington, D.C. this week, Representative Joe Wilson from South Carolina, who obviously suffers from some form of Tourette’s Syndrome, blurted out “you lie!” several times during President Obama’s speech to Congress. “Clearly, this was a case of not having the right equipment at the time to assure silence during Obama’s speech. We can think anything we want, and oftentimes do think some really bad stuff, but we don’t go around calling the President a liar, regardless of whether we believe him to be one,” said Dick Dickerson, a Republican senator who heads up the Republicans in 2030 exploratory committee.

A major manufacturer of duct tape has been contacted by the supervisor of the Republican National Procurement Committee, asking if it is possible to get several rolls of specially designed tape for the purpose of self-restraint. Although duct tape today comes in many different colors to match any Congressman’s suit, such as blue, grey or black, a pinstripe design for fall, as well as a seersucker design for spring, was said to have been requested. Although on back order, it should be ready and delivered in time for the next Presidential speech scheduled later this year.