Sabtu, 31 Desember 2011

Anderson Cooper Set to Propose to Kathy Griffin at Midnight

Well, folks, you can stop wondering whether (1) Anderson Cooper is gay; (2) Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin are dating; (3) Kathy Griffin is really a guy; or (4) Kathy Griffin is really a guy, gay and dating Anderson Cooper who is also gay, because, evidently, after the ball drops in Times Square tonight, Cooper just may be setting himself up for an even bigger ball drop by proposing to Griffin.

Yep, you heard that right. Sources very close to Anderson Cooper claim that the nice guy of mainstream media fame is ready to propose to the most abrasive woman in show business (in his age group at least). Now all that is left is the answer.

Oddsmakers in Vegas say the sure money is on Kathy yelling ‘yes’ so loud, it will be heard over the noisemakers in Times Square where the two will be hosting “New Years Eve Live with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin.” And they are pretty sure she’ll get something in there about being so excited she just peed her pants before jumping all over Cooper like a red-tufted lemur. There may also be nudity so it is advised that you might want to send the kiddies into the next room to watch “Night of the Walking Dead with Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest” instead.

Most of us can’t imagine what would possess mild-mannered newsman Cooper to go for the self-proclaimed diva whore of stand-up comedy who has openly said more than once that Cooper can’t help it if he was born gay.

“The only way we can possibly explain it,” says Cooper’s best friend Sanjay Gupta, “is that the rumors that the poles are shifting, causing a magnetic disturbance at the equator has somehow affected our Cooper’s thinking and he is just not himself.”

Meanwhile, Cooper remains mum on tonight’s proposal. “If you are asking me straight up if I am going to propose to that madwoman, the answer is a definite no. But, if you are asking me if I could be crazy enough to marry someone like Kathy Griffin, the answer is, ‘hell, man, I’ve stood in Japan in the middle of a nuclear meltdown and took radiation levels on myself for a 24-hour period.’ I think I can handle a firecracker like Griffin.”

Rabu, 28 Desember 2011

Newt Gingrich Snags Vintage VW Bus for Iowa Tour

These days, it’s all about the love when it comes to getting his message across to the voters of America, and Newt Gingrich is doing his level best to keep his temper under control and, in his words, “make this grassroots campaign a positive experience this time around.”

So, instead of seeing Newt show up at the Iowa Caucuses  in a giant luxury bus with his and his wife’s faces splattered all over the side, Newt has snagged a vintage VW bus complete with peace signs and flowers painted on it, circa 1967.

“It’s a beaut,” says Newt. “This little wagon is gonna take us further than the Iowa Caucuses. It is going to take us all the way to the White House…figuratively speaking of course…it is a bit of a gas guzzler.”

Asked if he is just downsizing because the money isn’t flowing into his campaign as quickly as he had hoped, Newt said that wasn’t the case at all. “Truthfully,” he said, “I’m trying the angles that I think will get me the most votes and lack of funds doesn’t enter into the picture.”

Newt claims that just because he didn’t get involved in the 60’s protests, it doesn’t mean he can’t use something as nostalgic as a “Love Bus” to full advantage. “This tour based on peace and harmony is certainly going to resonate with the boomers, who incidentally make up about 60% of the voting base I’m going after,” says Newt.

Having already announced that he is trying to lighten up his campaign by launching a new site “Pets with Newt,” to pander to animal lovers, Newt says the “Love Bus” tour will be the defining moment in his campaign. Hoping to cash in on the popularity of the saying “Who Loves Ya Baby?” Newt says he’s just trying to bring himself down to the level of the older boomers who, after years of smoking weed, might need reminding just who would benefit them the most in the White House.

“A gentle prod here and there, and we’re off to the races,” says an upbeat Newt.

The only drawback to using a vintage VW bus for the Iowa tour is the fact that the inside still smells of pot and patchouli “and that,” says Gingrich’s tagalong mechanic, Gil Brachman, “might be a bit of a problem.” Brachman claims that Gingrich has to be quick to jump out of the side of the van before any of his supporters get a whiff of the inside. “Who knew the smell of pot could last decades inside one of these vans?” said Brachman.

To Newt, however, it is just another positive in a sea of negatives. “You know, if pot were legal in all 50 states, we could sell enough of it out of this van to upgrade to a top-of-the-line Chrysler Town and Country with all the bells and whistles,” he said jokingly to a group of 60-something hippies in Portland, OR just before taking off for Iowa.

You gotta hand it to him. Newt is the only candidate willing to morph into whatever character it takes to keep him in the GOP race regardless of his personal beliefs.

Jumat, 23 Desember 2011

Tareq Salahi Talks Sex, Lies and Videotape to Prove It

Tareq and Michaele Salahi 
Inspiration for Hit Movie "True Lies"

Tareq Salahi is coming out with both guns blazing against his estranged wife, Michaele Salahi, during what one attorney described as one of the most boring celebrity divorce proceedings to ever hit the tabloids.

David Squire, attorney for a group of creditors trying to collect debts owed by the Salahis, claims that he is privy to some really raunchy goings on while the couple were a couple before Michaele left Tariq for musician Neil Schon. “Unfortunately,” he says “none of it is true. They’re both liars,” Squire told Weird News Weekly. It may take years to unravel the lies and deception these two leveled toward each other,” he added.

Tareq disagrees. “I have videotape to prove it, and I’m ready to disgrace myself and what little family I have left by releasing tapes of Michaele and me dressed up like monkeys and doing the tango, if the price is right.”

Tareq was then given the opportunity to retract the statement after it was discovered that the monkey suit he was wearing in the video was actually an ordinary tuxedo and Michaele could not be found anywhere in the room.

Tareq didn’t miss a beat as he then told the newspaper that he was actually an undercover agent for the CIA and only married Michaele to keep close tabs on her as she was considered one of the ringleaders of a Lithuanian Spy Group trying to break one of Washington D.C.’s most elite socialite codes.

For Michele’s part, the former model/cheerleader/college graduate/terminally ill patient says that Tareq is just making the whole thing up to make her look bad.

“He’s just jealous. I happen to know a little something about psychology, having received my Doctorate from Princeton,” said Michaele, “and if anyone is lying, it’s Tareq.”

Kamis, 22 Desember 2011

Jim Sensenbrenner and Rush Limbaugh Big Fat Hippo-Crites

This will be quick folks.

Wisconsin Senator, Jim Sensenbrenner has just been quoted as saying the first lady, Michelle Obama, “has a large posterior.”

Evidently the Senator was trying to make a point that Ms. Obama’s physique doesn’t necessarily match the good works she is doing by getting America’s kids off the couch and eating healthy foods to combat childhood obesity.

Back in February, Rush Limbaugh made basically the same charge against the first lady.

Take a look at this.

Jim Sensenbrenner

Rush Limbaugh

I have absolutely nothing further to say on the matter.

Rabu, 21 Desember 2011

Christmas Cancelled at Last Minute, Stores Deluged with Returns

No one saw it coming. The GOP surely wouldn’t make a move that would be so wildly unpopular with the majority of working America that it could jeopardize Christmas for the 99% who are trying to squeak by with just a tad of dignity intact.

Alas, Virginia, there will be no Christmas this year. Upon hearing the news that GOP lawmakers in the House voted down the measure to keep payroll tax cuts at least for the next couple of months, shoppers began pouring into the stores—not to buy more stuff but to return that which they thought they might be able to afford this year.

“We’re inundated with everything from Lego Building Blocks to Sony laptops,” said Marjorie Cartright, head cashier who is pulling double and triple duty at the Customer Service counter at Wal-Mart. “I’m sure glad the store will be open 24/7 up to Christmas, cause we are gonna need all that time just to get the merchandise back on the shelves.”

It would take a miracle to make the GOP House members realize their actions have ruined what could have been at least a mediocre Christmas for all those folks trying to pull themselves up by the bootstraps, as former GOP candidate Herman Cain suggested.

“I can’t afford boots,” said Mitzy Warner, as she struggled with two shopping carts full of Christmas gifts she was returning to the local Target store near her home in Kalamazoo, Michigan. “Thank God I had the foresight to knit some sweaters and scarves over the past one and a half years that I’ve been unemployed.” Warner claims that those knitted items will make an otherwise bleak Christmas at least palatable for her husband and three young boys.

Meanwhile, the local grocers are baffled as to how to ‘take back’ groceries that have no apparent defects. “Sure, we can take back the staples such as macaroni and cheese and canned items, but we’re not sure those partially thawed hams and turkeys are going to make it through the refund process,” said Noel Weinstock, assistant cashier at Kroger’s, who claims that although she is Jewish, even her family is feeling the pinch.

“There’ll be no dreidels spinning at our house this year,” claimed Noel with a whistful sigh.

Thank goodness the Mercedes and Porche dealers are doing alright, as well as other luxury item retailers. They are, in fact, reporting record sales for this past quarter.

“At least some families will be singing ‘We wish you a merry Christmas’ and actually meaning it this year,” said Wilberforce Billingsley, owner of several luxury vehicle dealerships in Chevy Chase, Maryland. “Without us, Christmas just might never have happened this year.”

Selasa, 20 Desember 2011

Ashton Kutcher Claims He’d Be a Fantastic Model if He Weren’t Such an Awesome Actor

"Wait a sec, that isn't me" said Ashton Kutcher
as he was being congratulated on his wardrobe choice

Looking quite dashing in a turquoise blue velvet waistcoat and matching ascot the other evening while waiting for the attendant to bring his car around, we took the opportunity to ask Ashton Kutcher if he ever considered becoming a model instead of an actor.

“Why, no, not officially,” was Kutcher’s answer. “But now that you mention it, I’m sure I would make one fantastic model if it weren’t for my awesome acting career.”

One has to agree that people like Ashton Kutcher have more talent in their little pinky than most of us do in our index and ring fingers combined. Kutcher seemed happy for the opportunity to discuss just how talented he is.

Without prompting, he continued “Why, I’ll bet you if I put my mind to it, I could even sing opera. I have a feeling that if I weren’t such a darned good actor, I’d probably be appearing right now at the Metropolitan Opera House,” he said, unable to mask his self-adoration. “Of course, I don’t really like opera all that well, but I guess I could stomach it if that’s what my fans wanted.”

Reflecting further, the unabashed celebrity told us that he would love to try his hand at painting as well, or photography, but that once he created his first masterpiece, he’d be so busy keeping up with the demand for his art that he wouldn’t be able to audition for upcoming parts in television shows.

“It is just a matter of time before Two and a Half Men films its last episode,” said Kutcher, “and then I’ll be in such high demand that I just couldn’t see myself doing anything other than starring in films, television ads, and plays. I am just that incredible,” he said. “But thanks ever so much for asking.”

Minggu, 18 Desember 2011

Six Million Dollar Man Needs Two Million Dollar Overhaul

When Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man, felt a kink in his neck, he went to his favorite laboratory technician, Mary Weather, for an adjustment.

“I have to sleep on my side these days,” said the bionic wonder, “and my hearing doesn’t seem to be as clear and far reaching as it once was.” Austin told Weather, who was performing a routine examination on him.

“Are you having trouble in the…ah…hem…you know, git’r’up department, Steve?” she asked.

“As a matter of fact,” Austin replied, “the bionic woman was just complaining about that the other day. Up until recently,” he told the doctor “we were both pretty much convinced that that part of me had been replaced after the accident as well.”

The news Austin got next was a complete shock. Weather told him that in order to give him bionic hearing as well as making him bionic in the bedroom, he would be looking at close to two million dollars in parts.

“Where am I gonna come up with that kind of money?” Austin asked. “With all the budget cuts on science programs the past couple of years, I can’t rely on getting anything from the government, even if a Republican is elected into office next year.” 

Dr. Weather explained to Austin that with inflation the way it is, the price of specialty electronics is through the roof. She told him that he could use an ordinary Miracle Ear, but with all the wiring in his body, that would only make his hearing worse. In all likelihood, he was going to need bionic implants in both ears.

In addition, Dr. Weather said the bulk of the expense would be the erectile upgrade. “Seriously,” she said, “we can’t just strap something on you, Steve. We’d have to special order it, and the price of latex is astronomical now with the oil shortage and all.”

Austin claims he makes a pretty good living traveling the science fair circuit and peeling back part of the skin on his face and legs to show folks who pay to see it and what not, but by the time he pays the mortgage on his undervalued home and gets his monthly lube job, he barely has enough left to enjoy life let alone spring for a bionic overhaul. “Do you know how much batteries are going for these days?” he asked to no one in particular.

Dr. Weather told Austin that there was one possibility to bring the price of the overhaul within the Six Million Dollar Man’s Budget.

“We can order the parts from China,” she said. “That should cut the price overall down to around a half million tops.”

Selasa, 13 Desember 2011

Gay “Gotcha” Moments in the Media Make for Interesting Conversation

From Jerry Sandusky’s attorney to Westboro Baptist Churchgoers, it seems just about every high profile person in the media these days is tasting the bitterness of one’s own foot in one’s own mouth when it comes to gay-related issues.

Take Sandusky’s attorney, Joseph Amendola who, when asked if he believed his client was innocent, told the crowd that anyone who believes his client is guilty should call 1-800-REALITY. For just a second or two, the attorney obviously thought he had come up with a very clever “Johnny Cochran” response, but quickly found out he wasn’t so clever after all. 1-800-REALITY just happens to be the number to a gay sex hotline. Talk about your serendipitous moments.

Then there is the Westboro Baptist Church member who showed up at a protest wearing a Glee t-shirt. As most everyone knows by now, Westboro Baptist Church’s founder is notoriously anti-gay and his congregation is best known for protests at U.S. servicemembers’ funerals.

The girl wearing the Glee t-shirt claims she was not aware of that particular show and how it was extremely gay-friendly. She claimed her sister handed her the t-shirt to wear just before she headed out to the protests.

Indeed. Perhaps there are a few things about her sister the churchgoer should have known before trusting her with a wardrobe suggestion.

And finally, the exchange that recently took place between an openly gay Vietnam veteran and GOP candidate Mitt Romney. Without revealing that he was homosexual, Bob Garon, a gay military veteran asked Mitt Romney straight up if, as President, he would repeal New Hampshire’s same-sex marriage law.

Romney, obviously not knowing Garon was gay, didn’t hesitate when he answered that he believed marriage was strictly between a man and a woman and that he would repeal the law if elected President. Romney then went on to speak for the founding fathers when he told Garon that he was sure the Constitution defined marriage as only between a man and a woman, to which Garon told Romney it was good to know that he (Romney) didn’t believe in everyone’s constitutional rights.

Mr. Garon, perhaps you should make a visit to Newt Gingrich next. Seems he could use some comeuppance as well.

Senin, 12 Desember 2011

Prisons Change to Blue Flannel Jumpsuits; Shankings Down

Lee Henry Morgan, Warden at California’s San Quentin Prison is breathing a sigh of relief these days as the number of shankings in this infamously dangerous prison have decreased greatly over the past several months. 

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” said Morgan of the almost humane way prisoners are now treating each other on a daily basis.

Morgan credits a deputy warden’s suggestions with bringing about such an incredible change. “We have LeRoy Perkins to thank for accomplishing what no other man before him has been able to accomplish. When he first told us his idea, we all laughed in his face, but now, we thank him every day for his courage to speak up.”

Morgan, is, of course, referring to the change in dress code for the dangerous prisoners who call San Quentin home. “We got rid of the orange cotton jumpsuits and replaced them with blue flannel ones,” said Morgan. “Who knew a simple change in fabric could have such amazing results.”

Perkins was asked how he came up with such an odd idea.

“Well, as long as we keep this from the prisoners, I’ll tell you just how this idea came about,” said Perkins. “I was at home a few months ago and for some reason I just could not get warm. I was in a foul mood, barking at my wife and kids and just behaving badly in general. My wife brought me her blue Snuggie that she got for Christmas last year and told me to put my arms in it, wrap it around myself and see if that would warm me up.”

Perkins said he felt foolish, but was ready to try anything. As soon as he put on the Snuggie, Perkins claims he was transformed into a cuddly teddy bear. “I thought to myself, if this can calm me down, why not those prisoners,” and that is when he decided to make the suggestion. He bought a Snuggie for his supervisor, and the rest is history.

“Flannel has a very calming effect,” claims prison psychologist Rose Almandone. “And the color blue is just so much more calming than orange. We have a new saying here at the prison now, if you’re blue, you’re happy.”

The program is so successful that San Quentin is quickly becoming a model prison and other high-risk prisons are looking to change their prison wear lines as well. “We may even, at some point, replace the sneakers given prisoners with fleece-lined slippers, that is, if we can find it in the budget,” said Sam “the Slam” Watkins, Commissioner of California’s prison system.

Jumat, 09 Desember 2011

Bigfoot in Gated Community Violates HOA Rules

The joke starts out “How do you get rid of a 700 pound Bigfoot?” Of course, the answer is obvious, “You complain to the president of the HOA.” That is pretty much what happened in real life at the Sunny Acres Waterside Condos in Orlando, Florida.

A story in the Orlando Sentinel has everyone on the east side of Orlando looking twice out their patio doors this week as there have been several alleged bigfoot sightings at Sunny Acres. The community’s HOA has been put on high alert. The sightings are all emanating from one residence, that of Harry Peterson, a Korean War veteran, who has lived at Sunny Acres for almost a decade. Peterson claims he doesn’t know what the hubbub is all about.

“I live at the danged place and I haven’t seen anything suspicious,” claims Harry, who was preparing to put a dish of diced sirloin on the patio for the stray cat he claims has been hanging around lately.

 “That ain’t no cat Harry’s feeding,” said neighbor Gladys Kravitz, who is one of the residents who swears she has seen the bigfoot, or skunk ape as many in Florida refer to such creatures. Gladys and several of the neighbors she’s told the story to have banded together and complained to the HOA about Harry harboring a bigfoot.

“While I can’t find it specifically within the pages of the Declaration,” said Gladys, “I’m sure something like this is completely against the rules,” she said as she was readying herself to meet some neighbors for karaoke night at the clubhouse.

Meanwhile, Harry says he will fight the HOA on the issue. “I got a letter demanding I get rid of the skunk ape within ten days or I am going to face fines and possible eviction from the community. How the hell can I get rid of an imaginary creature?” he asked.

Harry says he hasn’t heard of anything as ridiculous as this since his pal, Sol Weinstein, faced heavy fines last year for painting his front door red and refusing to remove a peace sign bumper sticker from his Prius. “At some point in time, you have to ask yourself if you really care that your neighbor is parking his RV alongside his home.”

President Obama to Host GOP Presidential Debate as Christmas Gift from Michelle

Mr. Gingrich, Newt if I may, aren't you the slightest bit happy
that I took on the credit card industry? I mean, I must have
saved you a bundle on your Tiffany's account alone...

Everyone these days, from Fox News to Donald Trump, is jumping on the bandwagon and having a go at hosting a GOP Presidential Debate. The topics so far have covered foreign affairs, domestic policy, and, of course, lesser topics such as the scandal du jour. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that you can’t turn on your television anymore without watching the candidates re-hash old issues while re-bashing each other’s track records.

While most of the debates have been hosted by bona fide political organizations and news channels, the latest news that Donald Trump is hosting his own debate, to which only two candidates have agreed to participate, leads one to wonder who the heck could trump a Trump Debate?

Well wonder no more. As a special Christmas gift to her fabulously wonderful husband (her words), Michelle Obama has pulled some strings and has arranged for Barack Obama to moderate his own GOP Presidential Debate. Dubbed “The King of the Hill Debate,” Michelle says she has pulled out all the stops to make this one of the most memorable GOP Debates of the election year.

“Barack has pretty much let a lot of stuff roll off his back,” said Michelle in announcing the debate gift during a women’s luncheon meeting. “But I was kind of getting tired of his pillow talk…Newt Gingrich this, Herman Cain that, Rick Perry is an idiot…you know, it kind of grates on you after a while, so I decided to give my hubby the chance to show his superiority outright in front of cameras and hopefully put an end to all this nonsense.”

Michelle Obama also says one of the main reasons she decided to make this debate happen is the fact that no real answers to real questions have been given in any of the debates so far. She believes her husband can break the cycle of self-serving question and answer sessions and get down to the real issues. While the questions have not yet been released to the press, it has been leaked that the President is really looking forward to putting the GOP candidates on the hot seat.

“Michelle could not have given me a greater gift if she tried,” said Obama at a recent fundraiser. “According to the rules made up by Michelle, I’m allowed to ask them anything I want, including who is the President of Kazakhstan, how to actually spell Kazakhstan, and make them point to it on a map of the world. This is going to be so great.” Obama also says he’s hoping to get to the bottom of the birther thing once and for all.

“While I am fully aware of what these folks are saying behind my back, don’t you think it will be a hoot to see them squirm when asked a direct question? I am going to grill them like kielbasa at a tailgater,” said the President with a smile.

So far, only one candidate has agreed to participate in Obama’s debate. Newt Gingrich, who claims he simply cannot afford to sit even this one out said, “I am the frontrunner now. I have to prove I can go up against even myself in this debate to keep the momentum going. And, he added, “I just wish Rick Perry would agree to show up as well. All he has to do is stand there and I look like the million dollar candidate.”

Selasa, 06 Desember 2011

An Off-Color Christmas Album-Hit #1: I'm Rolling My Balls in Sugar

I'm Rolling My Balls in Sugar

I'm rolling my balls in sugar
The perfect Christmas gift
To send to all my lovely friends
It gives them quite a lift

I soak them in a bit of rum
And dry them overnight
Then roll in sugar and wrap them,
To make them taste just right.

My balls are always the right size
To pop right in your mouth
Just make sure you don't eat them all
Or you could end up soused.

I'm rolling my balls in sugar
The perfect Christmas gift
To send to all my lovely friends
It gives them quite a lift.

If you don't like my Christmas balls
There's no ifs, ands, or buts
I'll make another treat for you
A great big sack of nuts.

Minggu, 04 Desember 2011

Atlanta Housewife Kim Zolciak Reveals Herman Cain Was ‘Big Poppa’

Newlywed, Kim Zolciak of Real Housewives of Atlanta fame dropped a bombshell yesterday by revealing that the man who paid for her lavish lifestyle in Atlanta was none other than Herman Cain.

“I had everyone wondering who Big Poppa was for the longest time,” said Zolciak. “I just didn’t know how to handle telling the world that Mr. Godfather Pizza was my sugar daddy, so I lied and let everyone believe it was Lee Najjar.”

Kim says people need to know something about her, that she’s not as dumb as she appears. “As soon as Big Poppa (aka Cain) told me he was interested in running for President of the United States, I decided to get myself out of that deal and quick. Hell,” she said, “he could never afford me on a President’s salary.”

As for Najjar, who made his money in real estate, Zolciak said she couldn’t believe people fell for that lie either. “I knew the real estate market would eventually go bust. I shudder to think what would have happened if I’d have fallen for Lee as a sugar daddy. I’d be broke as a church mouse right about now,” she said.

Zolciak says the only way to go these days is to latch onto someone in the entertainment business or in sports. “That’s where the money is. I chose Kroy (Biermann) because I knew the NFL strike wouldn’t last. I’m just so psychic when it comes to finding the right sugar daddy.”

Friends close to Kim agree. They say that Kim has a sixth sense when it comes to getting out of a relationship just when the going gets tough and finding someone to pick up where the other left off, so that her shopping habits never have to suffer. “She just knows when the well is about to run dry,” said Mitzi Moynihan, a close personal friend of Kim’s. Moynihan also let slip that Kim asked for and received one last gift from Cain before telling him to hit the road. "He paid for Kim's entire wedding to Kroy."

Meanwhile, in response to Zolciak’s statement, Herman Cain totally denied the allegations. “I don’t even watch that show,” said the now defunct Presidential candidate