Rabu, 22 Februari 2012

Glamour Guns & Ammo Opens High-End Shop on Rodeo Drive

Indicative of the offerings at Glamour Guns & Ammo

Proud gun owner Patricia “Pickles” McQuarty of Lubbock, Texas has just announced the grand opening of her new high-end gun shop on fabulous Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, California. Glamour Guns & Ammo will offer some of the finest guns made by manufacturers from around the world, from solid gold pistols to tiny Derringers in designer colors.

“I got the idea one day in my gun shop counting how many “Annies” (a term Pickles uses to refer to her female customers—named after the famous Annie Oakley) were coming into my shop looking for something that would discreetly fit into their handbags while doing the job they were meant to do.”

While women carrying guns in Lubbock isn’t all that unusual, it [Lubbock] isn’t the kind of town you would associate with high society. So, Pickles’ idea of bringing the guns to the ladies instead of vice versa had always been in the back of her head. A big fan of Project Runway and it’s runoff Project Accessory, Pickles got the grand idea of giving the uber rich their own guns and ammo store on Rodeo Drive.

“Look honey, I don’t care if you are going to a live show at the local theatre or having your picture taken on the red carpet, you want to make sure you are fully protected, and if the gun matches the outfit, well, that’s just icing (no pun intended) on the cake,” said Pickles in her sweet Texan drawl.

Pickles claims that most women in the upper echelons of society have always carried guns, but now with the advent of more and more open carry laws taking effect, they want something that, when taken out of their waistband or pocketbooks, doesn’t clash with their outfits.

“The kind of client I’m going after wouldn’t be caught dead using a plain old black revolver on the shooting range. She’s gonna want to wow them with my ‘Perfectly Pink’ target pistol,” says Pickles.

Glamour Gun’s inventory includes a diamond-studded Beretta Nano that is to die for at any cocktail party. It also offers cute little Cobra Derringers in just about any color you can imagine. In fact, says Pickles, if there is a special occasion you have coming up and she doesn’t have a gun for you in just the right color, give her enough time and she’ll have one made for you. 

“It’s kinda like having the shoes dyed to match the dress kinda deal,” says McQuarty.

Asked about the location, Pickles said that’s just about the best thing in the world about her new store. “Rodeo Drive. Honey, just how much more cowgirl can you get?”

Senin, 20 Februari 2012

Malia and Sasha Buy Dad Tie and Slippers for President’s Day

Today is the day America celebrates its past and present Presidents with a day totally devoted to them. For the Obama kids, it is a time to tell their dad how proud they are of him.

With that in mind, President Obama woke up to what he says is just about the nicest gifts he’s ever gotten from his girls, i.e. a patriotic-patterned tie and a pair of comfy slippers.

“Sure, it’s what I always get on Father’s Day too,” whispered the President out of earshot of his daughters, “but I’m not gonna spoil their day grousing about always getting the same thing. Besides, I took care of my own present without their knowledge.”

Mr. President was, of course, referring to his upcoming trip to Orlando for a fundraiser that he hopes will allow him to rub elbows with some of the biggest names in basketball.

“Look, I love ties and slippers, I really do, and I love the fact that my kids went out and spent their own money to get me these things. But I’d be lying if I said I’m glad there is yet another holiday that enables my kids to go out there and shop for me.”

Jumat, 17 Februari 2012

News of Cheap, Effective Contraceptive has Women Applauding Santorum Supporter

The news out of Michigan this morning is that not all women in America are angry at Santorum financial backer, Foster Friess for stating that a safe and effective form of birth control for women is a simple aspirin placed between the knees.

Women were lined up at pharmacies around the country buying up every aspirin tablet they could get their hands on and pharmacists were inundated with questions such as “Will BC Powder work just as effectively if I sprinkle some between my…uhm, legs?” and “What if all I can find is baby aspirin? Will that work as effectively, and if so, do I need to use three at a time?”

The most asked question of all, however, was “Ok, so if we are squeezing an aspiring between our knees, how exactly can we have sex without the aspirin dropping on the bed?”

“Not all of us think Mr. Friess is an unfeeling clod when it comes to women’s reproductive rights,” said Blossom Tennenbaum, who had been standing in line at her local Walmart Pharmacy for an hour trying to get a raincheck for plain aspirin.

“I can’t speak for all women,” she said, “But for me, this sure beats the hell out of having to remember to take a pill every day.”

In a related story, one major aspirin manufacturer is contemplating changing the name of one of its best-selling products from “Baby Aspirin” to Non-Baby Aspirin,” to cut down on the confusion created by Friess’ suggestion.

Kamis, 16 Februari 2012

Mitt Romney Camp Hires Renowned Chuckle Coach

Mitt Romney has some of the richest conservatives on the earth backing him for President, but they are becoming increasingly worried that he’s losing favoritism in the polls.

Many believe it is just a phase and that in the end, Romney will win out over the other GOP candidates in order to face off against Barack Obama.

However, there is one billionaire backer who is demanding Romney make some changes now in order to keep his (the backer’s) money flowing to Romney’s campaign so he (the backer) can see a payoff come election time. One of those changes is the way Romney chuckles.

“He just sounds so darned insincere,” said the billionaire, wishing to remain anonymous. “In fact it is so pronounced, that I believe if nothing is done, Mitt may continue to lose ground in the primaries."

Tired of groaning every time Romney makes a joke, the billionaire has hired world renowned chuckle coach, William E. ‘Chuckles’ Butt (his real last name) to teach Mitt Romney how to chuckle sincerely at his own jokes.

“Hopefully,” said the billionaire, “the Butt jokes will help so that the next time Mitt pokes fun at the poor or reads something meant to be funny off his teleprompter, his chuckles will come across as if he actually gets the joke himself.”

Selasa, 14 Februari 2012

Gun Sales Spike Dramatically This Valentine’s Day

"Oh man, she's got that new 'Be-My-Valentine'
tucked in her tube top...bitch!"

Thanks to some clever thinking on the part of an employee at one of the largest gun manufacturers in America, gun sales in the states of Georgia, Arkansas and Missouri are up over 400 per cent.

The product responsible for record sales is a pretty little target pistol sporting pink slides. The “Be-My-Valentine” series went on sale in early February and has since sold out several times. The manufacturer claims it is a natural alternative for redneck husbands and boyfriends tired of the standard gift fare at their local bait stores.

“We’ve been working around the clock so that all the fellas who want to give one of these sweet little pistols to their sweethearts can do so on Valentine’s Day,” said Nerf Wartstern, of GunShyMyEye Custom Gun Company in Euville, Arkansas.

In fact, the demand is so heavy for this particular model that Wartstern fears the company may not be able to fill all the orders until the middle of March, “which,” says Wartstern “may end up cutting into our manufacturing time for the ‘Shamrock Glock’ which is a kelly green-colored pistol we offer on St. Patty’s Day.”

Senin, 13 Februari 2012

President Obama Plans on Plying Republicans with Liquor to Get Budget Passed

President Barack Obama has just put the finishing touches on a 3.8 billion dollar spending plan and nothing would make him happier than to have the full support of the House and Senate. Unfortunately, the Republicans have no intention of allowing him any chance in hell of getting it passed--uh, especially in an election year. Hello, hello, anybody home?

But Obama knows this all too well and that’s why this time around, he’s playing the proverbial ace up his sleeve to get this deal passed. “I’m gonna send them loads of liquor and a note that says there’s plenty more where that came from,” said Obama at a speech in Tennessee. “I’m pretty darned sure that if I get their ringleader Boehner soused, which won’t be difficult at all to do, it’s just a matter of having him go around and do some pourin’,” said a confident Obama.

Obama hatched the unconventional scheme as he began a tour of a famous whiskey distillery. “All of a sudden it hit me. Rednecks love this stuff. You get a redneck drunk and they do all sorts of crazy stuff. Why, from what I hear, the crazy sons a guns even go fishing for giant catfish with their arms stuck way down into holes in the sides of river banks. So what’s stopping them from getting the bag on and passing my budget?”

Obama says he can remember a time when it took more than whiskey to get a deal done in Washington.

“Money wasn’t just being spent on liquor,” he said. “Lots of women were being hired to help get business done in Washington. Why, during the reign of the D.C. Madam, this town passed so many cockeyed bills, it’s taken us till now to unravel the mess.”

But since wife Michelle has issued a strict “no ho’s in Congress rule,’ the President is content with the liquor and has reportedly ordered a thousand cases of Lynchburg’s finest to have delivered to every member of the Republican House and Senate by Wednesday.

“I should have the signed budget back on my desk by Thursday morning, and if I play my cards right, I can get this thing wrapped up by noon, while the fellas are still sleeping it off,” said a beaming Obama.

Minggu, 12 Februari 2012

Debt Collectors Forced to Make Calls on Themselves

When you talk about the economy being bad, you usually think this is great news for debt collectors. More people defaulting on their loans means more phone calls, and more phone calls means more bonus money in the pocket.

Unfortunately, not all debt collectors are good at squeezing blood out of a stone, and therefore, their bonus money just doesn’t exist. No place is more evident than Davidsburg, Indiana, a tiny little hamlet just outside Evansville. There, exists Acme Accounts Collectibles, which happens to be the largest employer in town.

While most of the employees of Acme make a pretty good living scaring the living daylights out of debtors by threatening to do everything but take their first born if they don’t pay up, there are several employees who can’t find it in their hearts to tell the little old ladies that their husbands are spending the bread and egg money at the nearby race track and they (Acme) are going to share that information with the local authorities if the debts aren’t paid toot suite.

One employee, in particular, Sherilee Hoskins, is just one of those bleeding hearts who is caught in an awful catch 22 of the debt collection kind. Since she finds it hard to twist the nipples of the bare-chested (a term used by many hardened debt collectors), her own financial situation suffers. In order to make ends meet each month, she is required to contact herself two, three, sometimes even four times a day and call herself every name in the book.

“I’m just so tired of calling myself a mooch,” said Sherilee, “but in order to put food on the table, this parasite has to toe the hoe or whatever the hell they make me say to myself.” She then added, “The worst part about it is when I hang up on myself. I hate when that happens,” she said tearfully.

There are others just like Sherilee who are in the same boat and being told to call their own cell phones between the other calls and give themselves hell.

 “Some days it’s easy,” says Will Forabuck. “I feel so beat up just having to yell at other people that I start thinking, ‘yeah, you are a drain on society or you don’t deserve to breathe the same air as everyone else,’ just basically the same things we all are told to say to the other deadbeats, and it starts to all blend together. But,” says Forabuck, “if I want to keep driving around in my new Silverado, this freeloader has to be a lot harder on himself.”

Jumat, 10 Februari 2012

Rumors Surface Once More that Jeb Bush is Entering GOP Race

The Godfather of the GOP, Karl Rove, has hinted that he still has a few tricks up his sleeve to turn the GOP Presidential race back into a somewhat respectable spectacle. Speaking last night at a Rotary Club Dinner given in honor of George H. W. Bush, who Rove claims was one of the finest Presidents this side of Reagan, Rove gave very strong indications that he is about ready to pop with joy.

“Gentlemen,” Rove began, “light your cigars, sit back and let that big porterhouse steak digest, and just relax. Daddy’s gonna give you some very, very good news.”

The news, apparently, is that Rove and daddy Bush are at it again. This time, they are pushing Jeb Bush into the Presidential ring.

“We were going to wait this out and see if the boys [Romney and Gingrich] could play nice enough to get our base ignited again,” said Rove, “but we seriously underestimated their stupidity.”

Rove went on to say that the only way the GOP has a [expletive] chance of winning this [expletive] race is to get a God-[expletive] fella in there who can make nicey-nice with the Kochs, schmooz the female vote, and, of course, win Florida back from Romney.

When reminded that the Florida ship has already sailed—meaning the primary has already taken place, Rove replied, “Rules are made to be broken. In fact,” said Rove, “the GOP allowed Florida to move its primary ahead, and we all found out real quick what a complete boneheaded move that was. But we can fix that so that Jeb still has a chance in that state.”

Rove was in top form as he explained to the crowd how Gerrymandering works.

“What you do is slice a few key districts from Florida (meaning Republicans of course) and attach them to the adjoining states that haven’t held primaries yet, i.e. Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Louisiana, not to mention making Puerto Rico a Miami county. Then we throw Jeb in the race and see him take those states. By then, the momentum will have taken hold, and voila, another Bush in the White House--bye-bye Romney.”

Asked about the other candidates, especially Gingrich, Rove was on it. “We send him to Nevada and tell him they are having a party in his honor, ply him full of liquor and give him a few blonde bombshells to take his mind off politics for awhile and by April, he won’t even remember why he entered the race.”

Kamis, 09 Februari 2012

Arnold Schwarzenegger Treats Sylvester Stallone to Elective Surgery

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone were spotted side-by-side at a local hospital on Thursday. While Schwarzenegger appeared to have just come from shoulder surgery, it was not immediately clear what Stallone was in the same hospital for.

That is, until Ahnold let the cat out of the bag. “I get lonely sometimes when I have to go into the hospital,” said Schwarzenegger. “It helps when I have someone there with me, so I offered to pay for some elective surgery for my buddy, Sly.”

Unfortunately, one of the procedures Stallone elected to have was a plumping up of the lips, which left him temporarily unable to utter intelligible words.

“That’s ok,” joked Schwarzenegger, “the guy has such a heavy accent, I never really could understand him.”

Both actors were expected to make a full recovery and be back on the set together in no time.

Minggu, 05 Februari 2012

Republicans Blame Millionaires for Creating Too Many New Jobs

The GOP National Committee issued a statement late Friday evening chastising its millionaire members for creating new jobs and making the Republican candidates for President look like fools when going after Barack Obama.

“The economy is recovering faster than we anticipated, jobs are becoming plentiful again, and we are having a difficult time convincing our constituents that any changes need to take place,” said John Hollingsworth, GOP spokesperson in Washington, D.C. “The whole thing is turning back in on us, and we have our millionaires to blame.”

The latest job numbers indicate that more than 240,000 new private sector jobs were added to the rolls in January, and the weekly unemployment claims dropped by another 12,000.

“You have to be freakin’ kidding me,” Newt Gingrich was quoted saying as he readied himself for a speech in Las Vegas ahead of the Saturday caucus. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this information?” he asked no one in particular.

A Gingrich spokesperson has reportedly said that if the situation worsens, meaning jobs become even more plentiful, Gingrich is ready and willing to bow out of the race and let Mitt Romney suffer the ire of his supporters for the job creation fiasco that seems to be gaining momentum.

Sabtu, 04 Februari 2012

Ghost of Dead Conservative Couple Following Mitt Romney Around

We're Watching You Willard

When he waffles on an issue or appears to be going a bit soft on President Obama, Mitt Romney gets an invisible tap on the shoulder, or his papers will shift ever so slightly, making it hard for him to concentrate on what he is talking about.

Two ghostly apparitions that have been witnessed by several of Romney’s aides are being blamed for the seemingly inexplicable events.

“They appear to be an older couple,” said Marsha Willingsworth, one of Romney’s speech writers, who is also interested in the supernatural. “I’ve seen them [the ghosts] several times, always standing directly behind Mr. Romney, and always appearing to listen to him intently. I call them Thurston and Lovey, after the millionaire characters on Gilligan’s Island."

Willingsworth claims she has witnessed Thurston tapping Romney more than once when it appears he is heading in a direction he [Thurston] doesn’t like, such as Romney’s recent statements that he believes President Obama is turning the economy around.

“As of late, Thurston is turning up the heat,” said Willingsworth, “and I don’t know just how far the ghost will go to see that his conservative values are being met even in death.”

Meanwhile, Romney claims there is no such thing as ghosts and therefore refuses to believe it is anything more than just a rustling of wind or a wardrobe needing adjustment.

“I did feel a swift kick in the pants once while giving a speech to the Rotary Club in Des Moines, Iowa,” said Romney, “but I’d just had my suits altered that morning and believe the tailor may have gotten the inseam measurement a bit wrong.”

Kamis, 02 Februari 2012

Punxsutawney Phil Sees Shadow; Predicts Six More Months of Newt Gingrich

Folks in Pennsylvania have been complaining for years about all the taxpayer money they spend on lavishing their resident star groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, with the best hole in the county and some of the finest fruits and vegetables around. For what they’re spending, they don’t feel they are getting much more than a quick peek out the hole every year to see how much more of a winter they have to endure.

So this year they decided to make the groundhog work a little harder for his fame and have given him a second job, that of political predictalator. Just as Paul the Psychic Octopus became famous predicting the winners in the last Soccer World Cup, Punxsutawney Phil or just “Phil the Predictalator” as he is now known, was given a chance to predict just how much more voters had to endure of one particular candidate for President, Newt Gingrich.

“At first,” said Mayor John Rhodent, “we thought we should use an actual newt to predict the length of stay of Gingrich on the political scene, but after several attempts at pinning one down (they are extremely slimy and hard to catch), we decided to just tack on the job to Phil’s other duties.”

Asked why they were only interested in how much longer Newt Gingrich would run and not the other three candidates, including the frontrunner, Mitt Romney, Rhodent said this “Don’t know really. Guess someone made the connection between a large rodent and Gingrich. That and the fact that we’d all had a bit too much to drink night before last, and the more we thought about it, we figured ‘why the hell not?’”

Rabu, 01 Februari 2012

Mitt Romney Keeping Several Offshore Wives in the Cayman Islands

Authorities in the Cayman Islands are remaining mum after reports have surfaced this week indicating that in addition to the large sums of money Mitt Romney has stored in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands, he also has a mansion which houses multiple wives.

According to website AskMen, some men don’t need an offshore bank account but admit it is a pretty good pick up line and is something straight out of a James Bond movie. This leads some to wonder if that’s how you get multiple women to marry you.

While keeping multiple wives doesn’t sound at all sexy to most men, it does have a certain appeal when it comes to the question “who is powerful enough to lead a nation?” Obviously, to some men, the more wives the more power.

Romney, a devout Mormon, denies the rumors and reiterates the fact that Mormons no longer practice polygamy. But, he admits he is flattered that anyone would think he could take on more than just one wife at a time. Said Romney, “Let’s just say that if it were legal, I’d have all the wives right here at home,” and then quickly changed the subject by bringing up the fact that some men are the marrying type and some are the divorcing type, referring to his bitter rival, Newt Gingrich.

Minggu, 29 Januari 2012

Koch Brothers Paying Gingrich to Run to Make Romney More Palatable

Seems these days no one wants to be in Newt Gingrich’s shoes and the only ones convinced that he should be our next President are himself and a handbag of Tea Party nutwings like Hermain Cain and Sarah Palin. Gingrich isn’t a stupid man, so it begs the question why does he continue to show up at rallies and declare himself the best man for the job?

Money. It always comes down to money. While it cannot be confirmed (in any real sense of the word in a meaningful way), some sources close to the Romney camp are saying things like “Let’s just say the money is on Mitt but the real money is on Gingrich.”  What?

Translation: The Koch Brothers are doing everything in their power to make their candidate, Mitt Romney look like the only option, including throwing money at the Gingrich campaign to keep Newt on the trail, spouting his ridiculous promises.

“The moon thing was my idea,” says David Koch. “I about laughed my ass off when I saw Newt up there telling America he was gonna put a colony on the moon if he was President.”

“He’s a smart man, but he’s so, so gullible,” chimed in Charles Koch. “I just love it when he tells folks how he’s responsible for keeping the Republican Party intact. That is just priceless,” said Charles. “Everyone knows it’s Koch money that is assuring the Republican Party’s success. Without us, the GOP would just be the same old boring song and dance, but when we jazzed it up with a little Tea Party dissent, it sparkled.”

Meanwhile, there are rumors in the Romney camp that Mitt is getting a bit anxious about actually becoming President. “I keep hearing rumors that being President means you actually have to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty occasionally,” said Mitt. “Wonder if it is too late to back out and just let Gingrich have the job.”

Sabtu, 28 Januari 2012

Hare Krishnas Tossing Real Flowers; Now Twisting Balloons for Tips

It has been almost two years since the California Supreme Court ruled that Los Angeles and other California cities may ban Hare Krishnas from panhandling at airports. Since then, the Hare Krishnas have been busy trying to find avenues around the laws to allow them to once again get money into their coffers while spreading their message of peace and love.

Whereas before, Krishnas would hand out flowers in expectation of receiving a donation for their society, it has been ruled that this is illegal and must stop.

So, what to do?

Fortunately, several months ago, a couple of Hare Krishna devotees were having coffee at a local IHOP when they noticed a man walking around offering to twist balloons into various shapes for the patrons--for a fee of course. The Krishnas noticed that the man was making anywhere from $2 to $5 for each toy.

“The lightbulb went ‘bling!’” said Abhay Dhir, a down-on-his-luck devotee who just so happened to know someone who worked at the local Party Store. “I knew I could get the balloons really cheap. All we needed to do is learn how to twist them to look like daisies. It was pure genius.”

After checking with his ACLU lawyers, Abhay was able to ascertain whether or not balloon twisting for money in airports is legal. Turns out it is.

“The rest is taking care of itself,” said Abhay. He has trained over 100 devotees the art of twisting balloons into daisies and they are once again ready to head into California’s airports to spread their message and make a little money.

“Each balloon comes with a little message from the Hare Krishnas,” said Abhay. “The best part of all is that we haven’t met one person yet who hates watching a balloon flower take shape, even while doing so means having to sit through several verses of the Hare Krishna mantra.”

Jumat, 27 Januari 2012

Cold Front Hits Florida, Santorum Goes Home

Out of respect for Mr. Santorum and his family, this article has been removed. Wishing his daughter a speedy and full recovery. 

Jerry Springer Invites Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney on Show

Jerry Springer, the king of daytime trash television is offering Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney a million dollars each if they will take their feud onto his show for one taping. “I love to watch when Newt, who is already considered the trailer trash candidate of the GOP, brings a polished businessman like Mitt Romney down to his level,” said Springer. “Forget cousins having babies together, this would blow my audience out of the water.”

Springer said that so far, Newt’s people have tentatively accepted, but he hasn’t heard back from the Romney camp.

“Romney says the money sounds great, but he’s balking at the idea of putting on a Speedo and rolling around in Jello with Newt for the cameras,” said Springer’s producer. “But those are just details that can be worked out. It may be possible to get them to just wear cut-offs and switch out the Jello for mud. Lord knows Mitt is not adverse to a little mud-slinging—it’s just more difficult than we thought convincing him to do it literally.”

Jumat, 20 Januari 2012

Aging Gingrich Sucking Life Out of Youthful Santorum Race

Volunteers for GOP candidate Rick Santorum say they are growing more tired by the day trying to come up with good things to say about Newt Gingrich in order to keep the Gingrich/Santorum tag team going against candidate Mitt Romney.

“At first we thought, ok, Newt is a bright dude, he has a bit more Washington experience than our Rick does, and ganging up on Romney would get us further than if we went after him ourselves,” said Jim Voeticki, chief organizer of the Santorum campaign.

“But he lies…a lot,” said Voeticki, “and quite frankly, his lies are affecting all of us.”

Voeticki says that since Santorum decided to get in Newt’s corner and go after Romney together, the volunteers have had to stay up late at night just trying to keep a step ahead of the media so that their boss’ name doesn’t get dragged through the dirt just by association.

Mary McCurtney, 37, a Santorum volunteer from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, agrees. “When we first started this campaign last year, I had gorgeous auburn hair. I’m now having to get henna treatments every 3 months or so to hide the gray. I’m seriously considering hanging up my volunteer slippers and saying the heck with it. I didn’t sign on for this crap.”

“Hell, we shouldn’t have trusted him in the first place,” said Voeticki. “It’s just that most of us were too young to remember Gingrich’s shady dealings as House Speaker back in the 90’s, and well, let’s face it, Newt is such a smooth talker. He had us at hello.”

But now, the youthful campaign workers are aging fast and are asking their leader to allow them to cut ties with the Gingrich camp. “If for no other reason,” said Voeticki, “the cost of vitamin supplements alone is putting a serious dent in our campaign coffers.”

Selasa, 17 Januari 2012

Mitt Romney Hands out $20 Bills to Young Black Males

Mitt Romney says the ‘high’ he felt by helping out a Sumter, SC woman last week by handing her a wad of cash to pay her electricity bill was exhilarating. He claimed afterwards that he couldn’t describe how great it felt to give to the poor. “Who knew there was that kind of power in money?” said Romney.

It was then that Romney decided that wherever he went, he would carry a pocketful of cash and hand it out to those he felt were most needy. And so, on a sunny Monday, while the country celebrated the birthday of Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr., Mitt Romney hit the streets in Myrtle Beach, SC handing out $20 bills to the young black men milling about the streets.

“I figured the least I could do was buy them lunch,” said Romney. “I know how hard it must be to be out of work and hungry, so I thought, hey, I know I can take care of the hungry part.”

Asked if he thought it might look like a political handout to get the black vote in South Carolina, Romney poo pooed the notion. “Oh heck no, not at all. I mean, sure, those guys might be voters, I’m never sure. But, vote for me when they have Obama? Heaven’s no. I know that’s never gonna happen. I’m just throwing a little ‘power’ around,” he chuckled as he hurried off to score some more happy points with a group of blacks he spotted at the bus station.

Afterwards, one of the recipients was asked how he felt about being handed money from a man who may soon be his next President. “I’m blown away, man,” said Johnson Freeman. “Now I can afford to pay my kid’s allowance this week.” Then lightheartedly added, “But asking for a shoe shine in exchange for the Jackson? Man, that was harsh, Willard.”

Sabtu, 14 Januari 2012

Mitt Romney Not Ashamed of his Tons of Millions

Yo Quiero Mi Dinero?

The media, for lack of better things to do, seem to constantly be nipping at Mitt Romney’s heels about how wealthy he is. But for all their efforts to make him look like a rich fat cat, the best they’ve been able to accomplish is to provide Romney a platform on which to flaunt his financial success.

“My God,” said Romney at a $10,000 a plate dinner in Boca Raton, Florida, “If that money wasn’t going to me, it would just end up in someone else’s pocket. I’m just not getting what the big deal is. I’m rich, get over it,” he said to a cheering audience.

“He’s sending the right message,” said Thornton Bancroll, one of the richest donors to Romney’s cause.

“Seriously, tonight Mr. Romney asked a damned good rhetorical question. He said ‘Wouldn’t giving up my wealth be an insult to every person in this room?’ and no one here tonight could argue against that kind of logic. 

Romney says he isn’t bitter at the press, and in fact, he welcomes the dialogue about money. “At least when they are talking about how filthy rich I am, they aren’t digging up more of my ancestral roots. I mean, really, Mexican? Who saw that coming?”

Rabu, 11 Januari 2012

Damien Thorn Surges in GOP Polls

For anyone who is just tuning in, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is surging in the polls despite the fact that he is anti-middle class, anti-working folk, and anti-poor. He is being spoon fed to America as the next great leader, ready to topple our now standing President in, what some would have you believe, the greatest takedown since Muhammad Ali vs. Joe Frazier.

He’s Ward Cleaver, the Koch Brothers, Mr. Rogers, and Damien Thorn all rolled into one neat package created to give the American public an alternative to Barack Obama. He’s gonna fix this country. Not by easing taxes on the rich, not by giving the jobless jobs, not by fixing the financial industry. Nosiree, he’s just gonna get up there in Washington and remove Barack Obama’s finger from the dike so that Washington can get back to the business of letting business take over.

But Romney is going to do it with a great big smile on his face. The face that will be turning away when the rest of the jobs are shipped overseas, the hangers on who were barely making it finally fall into the abyss of destitution, the hungry finally die off and the poor just plain give up.

Mitt Romney is not one solitary man, he is a figurehead that has been carefully picked to be the GOP candidate to take down the President by any means possible. Romney lends his suave appearance and his calm, calculating demeanor to those in real power to do with as they please just so long as he gets to keep his millions and his mansions, yes, plural, the ones in California, Massachusetts and New Hampshire, not to mention his little ski shack in Utah.

Romney may be surging in the polls, but you can bet it is not because real Americans are backing him. Instead his political dog is being wagged so well by the most powerful people in the world that no one on the middle-class or below level can see anything due to the bright light being shined in their faces. Somebody is paying somebody off in massive amounts to have someone like Romney do so well in the polls when the majority of the citizens of this country are in such dire straits.

What is really happening is that the money people are trying one last time to pull the wool over the eyes of the American public while they are too weak to protest. It is costing a lot. One so cynical as myself has to wonder if Ron Paul, as well, is being paid a pretty penny to show up to these shindigs, take a few of the votes so as to make it seem like a real contest. He will never become the GOP candidate. He knows it and Mitt Romney and his backers know it, yet he continues to be cheered on by the youth of this country, perhaps because they are just naïve enough to believe that there is such a thing as a democratic process in America and we have a real choice.

“Make it look real good fellas, like he’s really fighting for the American people, and then at the end, give him a concession speech that will have them crying in the aisles” (cue Romney from the left.)

“My fellow Americans, I am honored to accept the nomination of the Republican Party to become the next great President of the United States.”

Does anyone know where that satchel with the ceremonial daggers is?

Selasa, 10 Januari 2012

New Little Bigfoot Show to Air this Summer on Animal Planet

“They’re out there. Their size just makes them that much harder to find,” claims veteran Bigfoot hunter, Claude Brinkman, from Clare County, Michigan. Brinkman has just signed on to do several episodes of a show called The Hunt for Little Bigfoot for the Animal Planet Channel.

Brinkman claims he started out looking for regular-sized Bigfoot creatures but was having little success.

“I saw where some fellas from Georgia got their own show and claim to be the best Bigfoot hunters in the world,” said Brinkman. “Baloney. They haven’t produced one iota of evidence yet, but I will.”

Asked if he had evidence of his Little Bigfoot creature, Brinkman answered “No, but I’ve had plenty of opportunities to get some. I just want to save all that for the show.”

Asked to theorize exactly what a Little Bigfoot is, Brinkman told reporters, “It’s about the size of an overweight 9-year old, I’m guessing, and it walks around barefoot in the woods, just like its big counterparts.”

Asked if it could actually be a 9-year old child wearing a furry coat for winter and walking around in the woods, Brinkman said that he thought of that possibility, but quickly dismissed it.

“Seriously, folks, where are his shoes?”

Little Bigfoot has begun filming in the woods of Clare County, Michigan and if all goes well (meaning if any signs whatsoever are found that would remotely get someone to watch this guy walking around in the woods speculating that there actually could be a smaller version of the Bigfoot creature while never showing real evidence of its existence) then the show will air on the Animal Planet in the time slot immediately following Finding Bigfoot.

Minggu, 08 Januari 2012

Grandma Foils Would-Be Carjacker with Bag of Doggie Doo

Cecelia (Cece) Hudson is being hailed as one tough grandma this morning after reports of an attempted carjacking of her precious 1994 Honda Accord met with dismal failure. Due to her quick thinking and a conveniently placed bag of fresh doggie doo on her front passenger seat, Hudson was able to debilitate the would-be robber until authorities arrived to arrest him for grand theft auto.

Hudson, from Flushing, Michigan, claims she had just finished taking her black lab, Chauncey, for a walk in Woof Woods Dog Park and realized she was late for her weekly hair appointment at Dayshawna’s Hair Salon.

“I weren’t near no trash bin and was running late, so I just told Chauncey to get in the car and threw the bag of fresh dog poo in the front seat beside him and took off.”

Hudson claims she got the dog home and jumped back in the car and was about a block away from home when she realized she hadn’t yet thrown away the offensive bag. She pulled to the curb beside a city dumpster and, with bag in hand, was just getting ready to toss it into the dumpster when out of nowhere a young man ran up to the car, strong-armed Hudson and tried to wrest control of the steering wheel.

Fresh bag of doo in hand, Hudson says she snapped the tie open and in one swift motion smashed the foul-smelling waste right smack in the middle of that robber’s face.

“Oh it were a sight to see alright,” said Cece. “He was rolling around on the ground and calling me every name in the book. People started gathering around, but not too close mind you, to see what all the commotion was. Meantime, I was on the phone with the Po-lice.”

Luckily for Hudson, a squad car was in close proximity of the attempted carjacking and arrived in time to take the man into custody. Once he was secured, they turned their attention on the little old lady sitting defensively behind the wheel of her prized automobile.

“He weren’t getting my baby, I can tell you that,” said a defiant Hudson,“ as she lovingly patted the dashboard of the car with her one clean hand.

“Can we get a statement from you ma’am?” asked the police officer.

“Why of course,” she answered. But first, would you happen to have a wet nap that I could wipe my hands on?”

As the officer stepped back to his patrol car, Cece followed him closely behind. He handed her the wet nap, and she took one last moment to peer through the cruiser’s window at the back seat. She purposefully wiped her hand clean as a whistle, leaned in a little closer and put up only one finger and said to the boy, “Sh*t happens,” then turned and walked back to the officer to give her side of the story.

Minggu, 01 Januari 2012

Psychic Chrystal Ball Predicts 2012 as ‘A Mighty Ugly Year’

Ed. Note: It has come to my attention that after printing these predictions, some readers were confused as to the impossibility of a couple of the predictions coming true, necessitating further clarification.

#3 forgot to mention stock market crash mid-year

#5b forgot to mention that Texas Governor Rick Perry will become so enraged after learning he's not going to be POTUS that he took his state rogue

#8 was a flat out lie tucked neatly within the predictions to take advantage one last time of Charlie Sheen's fame before he finally fades into obscurity, which Chrystal Ball predicts that he will.

Hope this clears up the misconceptions.


World famous Chrystal Ball, self-proclaimed Psychic to the Stars, is at it again, but this time, she’s taking on more than just the entertainment industry. Miss Ball predicts that 2012 is going to be a mighty ugly year, and she warns that folks better get used to ugly because it will pretty much affect every person on the planet.

In her preamble to her ten most important predictions, Chrystal Ball says that not only will 2012 top 2011 as the worst year in recorded history, it won’t even come to a complete end, in the sense that the end is coming before the end of 2012. Confused? Well read on…

1)      While blackbirds again will fall from the skies on New Year’s Day, the real surprise is that they will continue to fall throughout the year, causing great consternation among scientists who, because of the stress of trying to figure out the phenomenon, will become disoriented themselves and start walking into walls inexplicably, causing great injuries among some of the brightest minds in the world.

2)      There will be a shortage of great scientists. (See #1)

3)      Simon Cowell will lose his will to create new talent reality shows. As a result, he will end up penniless in a flat in Manchester, England strumming a second-hand guitar and weeping over photos of Scottish singing sensation, Susan Boyle.

4)      World-class surfers will die by the hundreds trying to surf the upcoming surge of tsunamis around the world. New technology will make predicting tsunamis as easy as predicting thunderstorms, thereby pinpointing ideal situations for waves as high as 30 meters in some cases. Super surfboards will come equipped with body straps to keep the surfers strapped to the board for the long ride into downtown areas as far inland as 70-100 miles.

5)       Ron Paul wins the GOP nomination and goes on to become the President of the United States. Paul attributes his political successes to all spectrums of the population saying that the liberals voted for him because he promised to end all wars and bring home all troops; the conservatives voted for him because as much as they disliked him, they disliked the alternatives more; and the centrists voted for him because as much as they say they want to pay taxes, the truth is, no one wants to pay taxes and Ron Paul said he wouldn’t make anyone pay taxes. That, and the fact that he chose Hulk Hogan as his running mate.

5a) The country falls into total disrepair due to the fact that no one is required to pay federal taxes any longer and the states just aren’t interested in mandating any new laws because it costs too much. Dallas, Texas becomes the nation’s capital and Ron Paul designates the set of Dallas as his new Presidential residence.

5b) Texas secedes from the Union leaving the United States without a leader.

6)      Cardboard becomes one of the hottest commodities on the market as more and more families are forced out of their homes and left to build makeshift homes out of the appliance boxes and packing crates of the rich. School janitor becomes the hottest job in America as Newt Gingrich’s suggestion that school children be forced to clean their own schools to pay for school books and supplies catches fire. The Labor Department lowers the working age to 8 to accommodate the new working class (literally).

7)       Piers Morgan is deported back to Surrey, England after being accused and found guilty of rigging major cricket matches for personal financial gain. Americans hold biggest party in the nation’s history.

8)      Charlie Sheen falls off the wagon three more times before joining the Hari Krishnas and turning celibate in the sense that he promised to only date one woman at a time.

9)      Major cities across America are bought by the Chinese. Won’s Won Ton Palace replaces McDonald’s as the hottest food franchise in the world.

10)   The Mayans get the date 12/21/12 wrong by one day throwing the entire world into chaos and Christians into apoplectic shock.