Sabtu, 31 Desember 2011

Anderson Cooper Set to Propose to Kathy Griffin at Midnight

Well, folks, you can stop wondering whether (1) Anderson Cooper is gay; (2) Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin are dating; (3) Kathy Griffin is really a guy; or (4) Kathy Griffin is really a guy, gay and dating Anderson Cooper who is also gay, because, evidently, after the ball drops in Times Square tonight, Cooper just may be setting himself up for an even bigger ball drop by proposing to Griffin.

Yep, you heard that right. Sources very close to Anderson Cooper claim that the nice guy of mainstream media fame is ready to propose to the most abrasive woman in show business (in his age group at least). Now all that is left is the answer.

Oddsmakers in Vegas say the sure money is on Kathy yelling ‘yes’ so loud, it will be heard over the noisemakers in Times Square where the two will be hosting “New Years Eve Live with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin.” And they are pretty sure she’ll get something in there about being so excited she just peed her pants before jumping all over Cooper like a red-tufted lemur. There may also be nudity so it is advised that you might want to send the kiddies into the next room to watch “Night of the Walking Dead with Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest” instead.

Most of us can’t imagine what would possess mild-mannered newsman Cooper to go for the self-proclaimed diva whore of stand-up comedy who has openly said more than once that Cooper can’t help it if he was born gay.

“The only way we can possibly explain it,” says Cooper’s best friend Sanjay Gupta, “is that the rumors that the poles are shifting, causing a magnetic disturbance at the equator has somehow affected our Cooper’s thinking and he is just not himself.”

Meanwhile, Cooper remains mum on tonight’s proposal. “If you are asking me straight up if I am going to propose to that madwoman, the answer is a definite no. But, if you are asking me if I could be crazy enough to marry someone like Kathy Griffin, the answer is, ‘hell, man, I’ve stood in Japan in the middle of a nuclear meltdown and took radiation levels on myself for a 24-hour period.’ I think I can handle a firecracker like Griffin.”

Rabu, 28 Desember 2011

Newt Gingrich Snags Vintage VW Bus for Iowa Tour

These days, it’s all about the love when it comes to getting his message across to the voters of America, and Newt Gingrich is doing his level best to keep his temper under control and, in his words, “make this grassroots campaign a positive experience this time around.”

So, instead of seeing Newt show up at the Iowa Caucuses  in a giant luxury bus with his and his wife’s faces splattered all over the side, Newt has snagged a vintage VW bus complete with peace signs and flowers painted on it, circa 1967.

“It’s a beaut,” says Newt. “This little wagon is gonna take us further than the Iowa Caucuses. It is going to take us all the way to the White House…figuratively speaking of course…it is a bit of a gas guzzler.”

Asked if he is just downsizing because the money isn’t flowing into his campaign as quickly as he had hoped, Newt said that wasn’t the case at all. “Truthfully,” he said, “I’m trying the angles that I think will get me the most votes and lack of funds doesn’t enter into the picture.”

Newt claims that just because he didn’t get involved in the 60’s protests, it doesn’t mean he can’t use something as nostalgic as a “Love Bus” to full advantage. “This tour based on peace and harmony is certainly going to resonate with the boomers, who incidentally make up about 60% of the voting base I’m going after,” says Newt.

Having already announced that he is trying to lighten up his campaign by launching a new site “Pets with Newt,” to pander to animal lovers, Newt says the “Love Bus” tour will be the defining moment in his campaign. Hoping to cash in on the popularity of the saying “Who Loves Ya Baby?” Newt says he’s just trying to bring himself down to the level of the older boomers who, after years of smoking weed, might need reminding just who would benefit them the most in the White House.

“A gentle prod here and there, and we’re off to the races,” says an upbeat Newt.

The only drawback to using a vintage VW bus for the Iowa tour is the fact that the inside still smells of pot and patchouli “and that,” says Gingrich’s tagalong mechanic, Gil Brachman, “might be a bit of a problem.” Brachman claims that Gingrich has to be quick to jump out of the side of the van before any of his supporters get a whiff of the inside. “Who knew the smell of pot could last decades inside one of these vans?” said Brachman.

To Newt, however, it is just another positive in a sea of negatives. “You know, if pot were legal in all 50 states, we could sell enough of it out of this van to upgrade to a top-of-the-line Chrysler Town and Country with all the bells and whistles,” he said jokingly to a group of 60-something hippies in Portland, OR just before taking off for Iowa.

You gotta hand it to him. Newt is the only candidate willing to morph into whatever character it takes to keep him in the GOP race regardless of his personal beliefs.

Jumat, 23 Desember 2011

Tareq Salahi Talks Sex, Lies and Videotape to Prove It

Tareq and Michaele Salahi 
Inspiration for Hit Movie "True Lies"

Tareq Salahi is coming out with both guns blazing against his estranged wife, Michaele Salahi, during what one attorney described as one of the most boring celebrity divorce proceedings to ever hit the tabloids.

David Squire, attorney for a group of creditors trying to collect debts owed by the Salahis, claims that he is privy to some really raunchy goings on while the couple were a couple before Michaele left Tariq for musician Neil Schon. “Unfortunately,” he says “none of it is true. They’re both liars,” Squire told Weird News Weekly. It may take years to unravel the lies and deception these two leveled toward each other,” he added.

Tareq disagrees. “I have videotape to prove it, and I’m ready to disgrace myself and what little family I have left by releasing tapes of Michaele and me dressed up like monkeys and doing the tango, if the price is right.”

Tareq was then given the opportunity to retract the statement after it was discovered that the monkey suit he was wearing in the video was actually an ordinary tuxedo and Michaele could not be found anywhere in the room.

Tareq didn’t miss a beat as he then told the newspaper that he was actually an undercover agent for the CIA and only married Michaele to keep close tabs on her as she was considered one of the ringleaders of a Lithuanian Spy Group trying to break one of Washington D.C.’s most elite socialite codes.

For Michele’s part, the former model/cheerleader/college graduate/terminally ill patient says that Tareq is just making the whole thing up to make her look bad.

“He’s just jealous. I happen to know a little something about psychology, having received my Doctorate from Princeton,” said Michaele, “and if anyone is lying, it’s Tareq.”

Kamis, 22 Desember 2011

Jim Sensenbrenner and Rush Limbaugh Big Fat Hippo-Crites

This will be quick folks.

Wisconsin Senator, Jim Sensenbrenner has just been quoted as saying the first lady, Michelle Obama, “has a large posterior.”

Evidently the Senator was trying to make a point that Ms. Obama’s physique doesn’t necessarily match the good works she is doing by getting America’s kids off the couch and eating healthy foods to combat childhood obesity.

Back in February, Rush Limbaugh made basically the same charge against the first lady.

Take a look at this.

Jim Sensenbrenner

Rush Limbaugh

I have absolutely nothing further to say on the matter.

Rabu, 21 Desember 2011

Christmas Cancelled at Last Minute, Stores Deluged with Returns

No one saw it coming. The GOP surely wouldn’t make a move that would be so wildly unpopular with the majority of working America that it could jeopardize Christmas for the 99% who are trying to squeak by with just a tad of dignity intact.

Alas, Virginia, there will be no Christmas this year. Upon hearing the news that GOP lawmakers in the House voted down the measure to keep payroll tax cuts at least for the next couple of months, shoppers began pouring into the stores—not to buy more stuff but to return that which they thought they might be able to afford this year.

“We’re inundated with everything from Lego Building Blocks to Sony laptops,” said Marjorie Cartright, head cashier who is pulling double and triple duty at the Customer Service counter at Wal-Mart. “I’m sure glad the store will be open 24/7 up to Christmas, cause we are gonna need all that time just to get the merchandise back on the shelves.”

It would take a miracle to make the GOP House members realize their actions have ruined what could have been at least a mediocre Christmas for all those folks trying to pull themselves up by the bootstraps, as former GOP candidate Herman Cain suggested.

“I can’t afford boots,” said Mitzy Warner, as she struggled with two shopping carts full of Christmas gifts she was returning to the local Target store near her home in Kalamazoo, Michigan. “Thank God I had the foresight to knit some sweaters and scarves over the past one and a half years that I’ve been unemployed.” Warner claims that those knitted items will make an otherwise bleak Christmas at least palatable for her husband and three young boys.

Meanwhile, the local grocers are baffled as to how to ‘take back’ groceries that have no apparent defects. “Sure, we can take back the staples such as macaroni and cheese and canned items, but we’re not sure those partially thawed hams and turkeys are going to make it through the refund process,” said Noel Weinstock, assistant cashier at Kroger’s, who claims that although she is Jewish, even her family is feeling the pinch.

“There’ll be no dreidels spinning at our house this year,” claimed Noel with a whistful sigh.

Thank goodness the Mercedes and Porche dealers are doing alright, as well as other luxury item retailers. They are, in fact, reporting record sales for this past quarter.

“At least some families will be singing ‘We wish you a merry Christmas’ and actually meaning it this year,” said Wilberforce Billingsley, owner of several luxury vehicle dealerships in Chevy Chase, Maryland. “Without us, Christmas just might never have happened this year.”

Selasa, 20 Desember 2011

Ashton Kutcher Claims He’d Be a Fantastic Model if He Weren’t Such an Awesome Actor

"Wait a sec, that isn't me" said Ashton Kutcher
as he was being congratulated on his wardrobe choice

Looking quite dashing in a turquoise blue velvet waistcoat and matching ascot the other evening while waiting for the attendant to bring his car around, we took the opportunity to ask Ashton Kutcher if he ever considered becoming a model instead of an actor.

“Why, no, not officially,” was Kutcher’s answer. “But now that you mention it, I’m sure I would make one fantastic model if it weren’t for my awesome acting career.”

One has to agree that people like Ashton Kutcher have more talent in their little pinky than most of us do in our index and ring fingers combined. Kutcher seemed happy for the opportunity to discuss just how talented he is.

Without prompting, he continued “Why, I’ll bet you if I put my mind to it, I could even sing opera. I have a feeling that if I weren’t such a darned good actor, I’d probably be appearing right now at the Metropolitan Opera House,” he said, unable to mask his self-adoration. “Of course, I don’t really like opera all that well, but I guess I could stomach it if that’s what my fans wanted.”

Reflecting further, the unabashed celebrity told us that he would love to try his hand at painting as well, or photography, but that once he created his first masterpiece, he’d be so busy keeping up with the demand for his art that he wouldn’t be able to audition for upcoming parts in television shows.

“It is just a matter of time before Two and a Half Men films its last episode,” said Kutcher, “and then I’ll be in such high demand that I just couldn’t see myself doing anything other than starring in films, television ads, and plays. I am just that incredible,” he said. “But thanks ever so much for asking.”

Minggu, 18 Desember 2011

Six Million Dollar Man Needs Two Million Dollar Overhaul

When Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man, felt a kink in his neck, he went to his favorite laboratory technician, Mary Weather, for an adjustment.

“I have to sleep on my side these days,” said the bionic wonder, “and my hearing doesn’t seem to be as clear and far reaching as it once was.” Austin told Weather, who was performing a routine examination on him.

“Are you having trouble in the…ah…hem…you know, git’r’up department, Steve?” she asked.

“As a matter of fact,” Austin replied, “the bionic woman was just complaining about that the other day. Up until recently,” he told the doctor “we were both pretty much convinced that that part of me had been replaced after the accident as well.”

The news Austin got next was a complete shock. Weather told him that in order to give him bionic hearing as well as making him bionic in the bedroom, he would be looking at close to two million dollars in parts.

“Where am I gonna come up with that kind of money?” Austin asked. “With all the budget cuts on science programs the past couple of years, I can’t rely on getting anything from the government, even if a Republican is elected into office next year.” 

Dr. Weather explained to Austin that with inflation the way it is, the price of specialty electronics is through the roof. She told him that he could use an ordinary Miracle Ear, but with all the wiring in his body, that would only make his hearing worse. In all likelihood, he was going to need bionic implants in both ears.

In addition, Dr. Weather said the bulk of the expense would be the erectile upgrade. “Seriously,” she said, “we can’t just strap something on you, Steve. We’d have to special order it, and the price of latex is astronomical now with the oil shortage and all.”

Austin claims he makes a pretty good living traveling the science fair circuit and peeling back part of the skin on his face and legs to show folks who pay to see it and what not, but by the time he pays the mortgage on his undervalued home and gets his monthly lube job, he barely has enough left to enjoy life let alone spring for a bionic overhaul. “Do you know how much batteries are going for these days?” he asked to no one in particular.

Dr. Weather told Austin that there was one possibility to bring the price of the overhaul within the Six Million Dollar Man’s Budget.

“We can order the parts from China,” she said. “That should cut the price overall down to around a half million tops.”

Selasa, 13 Desember 2011

Gay “Gotcha” Moments in the Media Make for Interesting Conversation

From Jerry Sandusky’s attorney to Westboro Baptist Churchgoers, it seems just about every high profile person in the media these days is tasting the bitterness of one’s own foot in one’s own mouth when it comes to gay-related issues.

Take Sandusky’s attorney, Joseph Amendola who, when asked if he believed his client was innocent, told the crowd that anyone who believes his client is guilty should call 1-800-REALITY. For just a second or two, the attorney obviously thought he had come up with a very clever “Johnny Cochran” response, but quickly found out he wasn’t so clever after all. 1-800-REALITY just happens to be the number to a gay sex hotline. Talk about your serendipitous moments.

Then there is the Westboro Baptist Church member who showed up at a protest wearing a Glee t-shirt. As most everyone knows by now, Westboro Baptist Church’s founder is notoriously anti-gay and his congregation is best known for protests at U.S. servicemembers’ funerals.

The girl wearing the Glee t-shirt claims she was not aware of that particular show and how it was extremely gay-friendly. She claimed her sister handed her the t-shirt to wear just before she headed out to the protests.

Indeed. Perhaps there are a few things about her sister the churchgoer should have known before trusting her with a wardrobe suggestion.

And finally, the exchange that recently took place between an openly gay Vietnam veteran and GOP candidate Mitt Romney. Without revealing that he was homosexual, Bob Garon, a gay military veteran asked Mitt Romney straight up if, as President, he would repeal New Hampshire’s same-sex marriage law.

Romney, obviously not knowing Garon was gay, didn’t hesitate when he answered that he believed marriage was strictly between a man and a woman and that he would repeal the law if elected President. Romney then went on to speak for the founding fathers when he told Garon that he was sure the Constitution defined marriage as only between a man and a woman, to which Garon told Romney it was good to know that he (Romney) didn’t believe in everyone’s constitutional rights.

Mr. Garon, perhaps you should make a visit to Newt Gingrich next. Seems he could use some comeuppance as well.

Senin, 12 Desember 2011

Prisons Change to Blue Flannel Jumpsuits; Shankings Down

Lee Henry Morgan, Warden at California’s San Quentin Prison is breathing a sigh of relief these days as the number of shankings in this infamously dangerous prison have decreased greatly over the past several months. 

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” said Morgan of the almost humane way prisoners are now treating each other on a daily basis.

Morgan credits a deputy warden’s suggestions with bringing about such an incredible change. “We have LeRoy Perkins to thank for accomplishing what no other man before him has been able to accomplish. When he first told us his idea, we all laughed in his face, but now, we thank him every day for his courage to speak up.”

Morgan, is, of course, referring to the change in dress code for the dangerous prisoners who call San Quentin home. “We got rid of the orange cotton jumpsuits and replaced them with blue flannel ones,” said Morgan. “Who knew a simple change in fabric could have such amazing results.”

Perkins was asked how he came up with such an odd idea.

“Well, as long as we keep this from the prisoners, I’ll tell you just how this idea came about,” said Perkins. “I was at home a few months ago and for some reason I just could not get warm. I was in a foul mood, barking at my wife and kids and just behaving badly in general. My wife brought me her blue Snuggie that she got for Christmas last year and told me to put my arms in it, wrap it around myself and see if that would warm me up.”

Perkins said he felt foolish, but was ready to try anything. As soon as he put on the Snuggie, Perkins claims he was transformed into a cuddly teddy bear. “I thought to myself, if this can calm me down, why not those prisoners,” and that is when he decided to make the suggestion. He bought a Snuggie for his supervisor, and the rest is history.

“Flannel has a very calming effect,” claims prison psychologist Rose Almandone. “And the color blue is just so much more calming than orange. We have a new saying here at the prison now, if you’re blue, you’re happy.”

The program is so successful that San Quentin is quickly becoming a model prison and other high-risk prisons are looking to change their prison wear lines as well. “We may even, at some point, replace the sneakers given prisoners with fleece-lined slippers, that is, if we can find it in the budget,” said Sam “the Slam” Watkins, Commissioner of California’s prison system.

Jumat, 09 Desember 2011

Bigfoot in Gated Community Violates HOA Rules

The joke starts out “How do you get rid of a 700 pound Bigfoot?” Of course, the answer is obvious, “You complain to the president of the HOA.” That is pretty much what happened in real life at the Sunny Acres Waterside Condos in Orlando, Florida.

A story in the Orlando Sentinel has everyone on the east side of Orlando looking twice out their patio doors this week as there have been several alleged bigfoot sightings at Sunny Acres. The community’s HOA has been put on high alert. The sightings are all emanating from one residence, that of Harry Peterson, a Korean War veteran, who has lived at Sunny Acres for almost a decade. Peterson claims he doesn’t know what the hubbub is all about.

“I live at the danged place and I haven’t seen anything suspicious,” claims Harry, who was preparing to put a dish of diced sirloin on the patio for the stray cat he claims has been hanging around lately.

 “That ain’t no cat Harry’s feeding,” said neighbor Gladys Kravitz, who is one of the residents who swears she has seen the bigfoot, or skunk ape as many in Florida refer to such creatures. Gladys and several of the neighbors she’s told the story to have banded together and complained to the HOA about Harry harboring a bigfoot.

“While I can’t find it specifically within the pages of the Declaration,” said Gladys, “I’m sure something like this is completely against the rules,” she said as she was readying herself to meet some neighbors for karaoke night at the clubhouse.

Meanwhile, Harry says he will fight the HOA on the issue. “I got a letter demanding I get rid of the skunk ape within ten days or I am going to face fines and possible eviction from the community. How the hell can I get rid of an imaginary creature?” he asked.

Harry says he hasn’t heard of anything as ridiculous as this since his pal, Sol Weinstein, faced heavy fines last year for painting his front door red and refusing to remove a peace sign bumper sticker from his Prius. “At some point in time, you have to ask yourself if you really care that your neighbor is parking his RV alongside his home.”

President Obama to Host GOP Presidential Debate as Christmas Gift from Michelle

Mr. Gingrich, Newt if I may, aren't you the slightest bit happy
that I took on the credit card industry? I mean, I must have
saved you a bundle on your Tiffany's account alone...

Everyone these days, from Fox News to Donald Trump, is jumping on the bandwagon and having a go at hosting a GOP Presidential Debate. The topics so far have covered foreign affairs, domestic policy, and, of course, lesser topics such as the scandal du jour. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that you can’t turn on your television anymore without watching the candidates re-hash old issues while re-bashing each other’s track records.

While most of the debates have been hosted by bona fide political organizations and news channels, the latest news that Donald Trump is hosting his own debate, to which only two candidates have agreed to participate, leads one to wonder who the heck could trump a Trump Debate?

Well wonder no more. As a special Christmas gift to her fabulously wonderful husband (her words), Michelle Obama has pulled some strings and has arranged for Barack Obama to moderate his own GOP Presidential Debate. Dubbed “The King of the Hill Debate,” Michelle says she has pulled out all the stops to make this one of the most memorable GOP Debates of the election year.

“Barack has pretty much let a lot of stuff roll off his back,” said Michelle in announcing the debate gift during a women’s luncheon meeting. “But I was kind of getting tired of his pillow talk…Newt Gingrich this, Herman Cain that, Rick Perry is an idiot…you know, it kind of grates on you after a while, so I decided to give my hubby the chance to show his superiority outright in front of cameras and hopefully put an end to all this nonsense.”

Michelle Obama also says one of the main reasons she decided to make this debate happen is the fact that no real answers to real questions have been given in any of the debates so far. She believes her husband can break the cycle of self-serving question and answer sessions and get down to the real issues. While the questions have not yet been released to the press, it has been leaked that the President is really looking forward to putting the GOP candidates on the hot seat.

“Michelle could not have given me a greater gift if she tried,” said Obama at a recent fundraiser. “According to the rules made up by Michelle, I’m allowed to ask them anything I want, including who is the President of Kazakhstan, how to actually spell Kazakhstan, and make them point to it on a map of the world. This is going to be so great.” Obama also says he’s hoping to get to the bottom of the birther thing once and for all.

“While I am fully aware of what these folks are saying behind my back, don’t you think it will be a hoot to see them squirm when asked a direct question? I am going to grill them like kielbasa at a tailgater,” said the President with a smile.

So far, only one candidate has agreed to participate in Obama’s debate. Newt Gingrich, who claims he simply cannot afford to sit even this one out said, “I am the frontrunner now. I have to prove I can go up against even myself in this debate to keep the momentum going. And, he added, “I just wish Rick Perry would agree to show up as well. All he has to do is stand there and I look like the million dollar candidate.”

Selasa, 06 Desember 2011

An Off-Color Christmas Album-Hit #1: I'm Rolling My Balls in Sugar

I'm Rolling My Balls in Sugar

I'm rolling my balls in sugar
The perfect Christmas gift
To send to all my lovely friends
It gives them quite a lift

I soak them in a bit of rum
And dry them overnight
Then roll in sugar and wrap them,
To make them taste just right.

My balls are always the right size
To pop right in your mouth
Just make sure you don't eat them all
Or you could end up soused.

I'm rolling my balls in sugar
The perfect Christmas gift
To send to all my lovely friends
It gives them quite a lift.

If you don't like my Christmas balls
There's no ifs, ands, or buts
I'll make another treat for you
A great big sack of nuts.

Minggu, 04 Desember 2011

Atlanta Housewife Kim Zolciak Reveals Herman Cain Was ‘Big Poppa’

Newlywed, Kim Zolciak of Real Housewives of Atlanta fame dropped a bombshell yesterday by revealing that the man who paid for her lavish lifestyle in Atlanta was none other than Herman Cain.

“I had everyone wondering who Big Poppa was for the longest time,” said Zolciak. “I just didn’t know how to handle telling the world that Mr. Godfather Pizza was my sugar daddy, so I lied and let everyone believe it was Lee Najjar.”

Kim says people need to know something about her, that she’s not as dumb as she appears. “As soon as Big Poppa (aka Cain) told me he was interested in running for President of the United States, I decided to get myself out of that deal and quick. Hell,” she said, “he could never afford me on a President’s salary.”

As for Najjar, who made his money in real estate, Zolciak said she couldn’t believe people fell for that lie either. “I knew the real estate market would eventually go bust. I shudder to think what would have happened if I’d have fallen for Lee as a sugar daddy. I’d be broke as a church mouse right about now,” she said.

Zolciak says the only way to go these days is to latch onto someone in the entertainment business or in sports. “That’s where the money is. I chose Kroy (Biermann) because I knew the NFL strike wouldn’t last. I’m just so psychic when it comes to finding the right sugar daddy.”

Friends close to Kim agree. They say that Kim has a sixth sense when it comes to getting out of a relationship just when the going gets tough and finding someone to pick up where the other left off, so that her shopping habits never have to suffer. “She just knows when the well is about to run dry,” said Mitzi Moynihan, a close personal friend of Kim’s. Moynihan also let slip that Kim asked for and received one last gift from Cain before telling him to hit the road. "He paid for Kim's entire wedding to Kroy."

Meanwhile, in response to Zolciak’s statement, Herman Cain totally denied the allegations. “I don’t even watch that show,” said the now defunct Presidential candidate

Sabtu, 26 November 2011

Typos in Small Town Newspaper Story Puts Herman Cain in Awkward Position

The Leaderville Picayune-Messenger is in hot water after a typo throughout a news article wasn’t caught in time. The error is making Herman Cain out to be one horny old man, but this time, it was not intentional.

Evidently, whoever edited the story about Herman Cain moving out in front of the elections once again this past week didn’t realize they did a global replace, making the news story about Cain’s erection, not election. While the story has been retracted, the damage has been done. Here are some excerpts in case you missed the original story.

“…and while Herman Cain believes his growing erection results are a clear indication that he’s the front runner once more…”

“…not only is Mr. Cain proud of the erection results he’s achieved in the past…”

“It is the women I want to impress in the upcoming erections,” said Cain as he…

“Mr. Cain told the crowd of a hundred or so supporters that his erection results couldn’t have come at a better time. ‘I’m ready, willing and able to get this job done,’ said Cain.”

“About his past meteoric rise in the erection polls, Herman Cain was quick to point out that he, alone, made it happen. My wife, God love her, doesn’t like erections all that much…”

“While Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich have both experienced good erection results of late, it is Herman Cain who may just outlast them all…”

“It’s erection time folks, and I just want to keep this up for as long as I can…”

Jumat, 25 November 2011

Pepper Spray Tans Catching on with College Campus Protesters

With all of their leftover disposable income being spent on college tuition rate hikes, students all over America are finding it harder and harder to find the money for extras to make themselves more appealing to potential partners.

“We were counting on the money we saved on tuition to have our nails done and get a spray tan before going on spring break so we can look halfway decent in Mexico,” said Bambi Courtney, a business major who attends the University of California-Davis. “But now, with the schools jacking up our tuition, we are finding it more and more difficult to look hot for spring break.”

Bambi says she and her sorority sisters were in their rooms watching television when they saw their fellow students getting hit pretty hard by campus police with pepper spray. The end result was that the students who were sprayed suffered burns not unlike those you’d get by sitting under a hot sun for hours.

“We were stunned,” said Bambi. “Here we were sitting around all weekend with nothing to do, no money to do it, and no way of talking our parents into footing the bill for yet another spray tan session and it hit us, we’ll just go out there and link arms and let those nice policemen hit us with the pepper spray.”

Dorry Hardings, Bambi’s best friend, agreed. “I heard it stings really bad, but heck, I’ve gotten a bad sunburn before after passing out from drinking too many Coronas on the beach. I’ve been there, done that. This can’t be that much worse.”

Dorry and Bambi say they are hoping the protests last until next March and if so, they say they will be in the front lines of those protests wearing bikinis and hoping when the police come around, they’ll take a moment to let the girls turn slowly around so that pepper spray hits their skin evenly all the way around.

“We are learning so much in business school,” said Bambi. “While we aren’t sure yet why all those kids find it necessary to go out there day in and day out to protest for like world peace and stuff like that, we’re glad they are doing it. Otherwise,” she said, “we wouldn’t have even thought of this alternative to high-priced tanning sessions. I may even ask daddy to help me start a small company to combine protesting with tan-enhancing services.”

“Oh the things you learn in business school,” she said as she prepared to go out for the evening peddling the awesome fake ID’s she found online.

Rabu, 23 November 2011

Liberals Claim Calling GOP Candidates Turkeys Becoming Redundant

Rick Perry Doesn't Mind the Turkey Moniker One Bit

Liberal Democrats say it used to be fun to poke fun at the GOP candidates vying for their party’s nomination in 2012, but that is no longer the case. “It is no longer a challenge,” said Dennis Kucinich, who appeared before a group of Ohioans on the eve of Thanksgiving day.

“Turkeys always seem to get a bad rap when it comes being identified with Republicans,” he said. “Now, since I’m not a meat eater, I never really did understand why someone would disparage a turkey that way. If I had my druthers, I’d just call them all (Republicans, not turkeys) cabbage heads. Seems a bit more fitting,” said Kucinich.

Other liberals agree. “I used to chuckle every Thanksgiving Day before a big election,” said Sue Wombat. “Calling Republican candidates turkeys was very much a Thanksgiving tradition at our house. But there are so many of them, now,” she said, “and while they’ve all kind of earned that title, it just doesn’t have that fun ring to it anymore. In fact,” said Wombat, “there isn’t a lot this year to joke about or be thankful for, so calling a bunch of dodo birds turkeys is just redundant.”

Senin, 21 November 2011

How Grover Norquist Stole Christmas

Now the middle of classes were middler than most
They had oodles of things on which they could boast.
They had cars, and houses, and TVs and more
They were boasting and boasting of goodies galore.

Til one day the bottom all dropped out from under
The middle of classes was torn quite asunder.
The greed of the 1% people with money
Decided to steal all the milk and the honey.

There’d be no Christmas at least for the middle
Their savings had dried up to less than a piddle.
No tea set for Susie, no train set for Bill,
No help for their parents from Capitol Hill.

A man with a tax plan who called himself Grover
Determined the American Dream was now over.
From now on he’d fight for only the wealthy
The richest of rich and the healthiest of healthy.

No tax for the millionaires claimed Grover’s pledge
We’ll push all the Middlers straight up to the edge.
I promise you, promise you, promise you all
If you sign on the line, working people will fall.

They’ll all lose their jobs, they’ll go hungry and then
If they dare try to make it, we’ll push them again.
Their paydays will dwindle, they’ll beg for our mercy
Especially the ones who were born in New Jersey.

Wisconsans, Ohioans all wanting to bargain
We’ll teach them new words in our greediness jargon.
Down with new taxes and up with bank fees
We’ll squeeze and we’ll squeeze and we’ll squeeze till they wheeze.

And then Grover laughed, yes he laughed till he cried
He looked in the camera with a face full of snide.
I told you I’d do it, I told you I could
Put all of those lawmakers up to no good.

This Christmas will only be happy for some
The very tip tippy top tippy top ones.
He finished his tirade with one last remark
Get rid of those hippies in Zucotti Park.

Sabtu, 19 November 2011

Late Night Hosts Call Moratorium on Jokes about Occupy Wall Street

Last week on the David Letterman show, the silence about Occupy Wall Street was palpable. “It’s not funny, folks,” said Letterman about a subject he says is taboo in his circles. “We aren’t gonna joke around about this, it just wouldn’t be right,” and then launched into the top ten things John Zuccotti is also namesake of. Number one…John Zuccotti, Jr.

Craig Ferguson took the same tact. In fact, at one point in his show on Thursday, he abruptly stopped talking to his sidekick Geoff after the robot skeleton made a snide remark about tents. “We’ll be havin’ none of this, Mr. Smarty Pants,” Ferguson shouted to the robot before having his stage hands take the little guy away. The audience could hear him yelling back “In your pants, in your pants,” as he was being hauled off stage.

In a particularly brazen move, Jimmy Fallon, while agreeing to not talk trash about Occupy Wall Street, actually brought a tent on stage and performed his entire show from the inside of the tent. “While it was a novel approach,” said a protester outside in the cold, “we have to wonder if (a) he even feels our pain, or (2) how he’d survive in the cold out here with us without his cute little pup tent.” Fallon later apologized and claims his people didn’t read the fine print of the proposed moratorium and blamed his writers for the inability to be serious just this one time.

All in all, the moratorium so far has been a success, but trying to reel in Stephen Colbert has been challenging. “Look folks, I’m the best in the business and I didn’t get to be top banana by waxing empathetic and joining some stupid moratorium. Seriously, would you honestly want me to cut back on a story that has more punch lines than a senior citizens’ get together? I don’t think so.”

While those working for Colbert have been doing their best to school him on just how insensitive he can come across by making fun of a movement that is fighting to bring equality to the masses, it doesn’t seem to be changing Colbert’s mind in the least. “I get it,” says Colbert. “But look at it this way, if it weren’t for humor, those folks who are losing their jobs and their houses would really be screwed.”

In fact, while getting ready for a show next week, strains of a popular song from a skit Colbert was developing …“I’m a pepper, you’re a pepper, he’s a pepper, we’re a pepper, wouldn’t you like to spray some pepper too, be a pepper,” could be heard emanating from Colbert’s dressing room. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but honestly, I’m just trying to do my job here, folks.”

Kamis, 17 November 2011

An Up Close Look at Australian Animals From Hell

Contributed by RFreed

No, I am not going to write about kangaroos. 

I am not that cheap. Everybody who wants to write funny stories about Australia writes about kangaroos. I refuse to stoop that low. They are too easy a target, too cheap a shot. I will, however, write about koala bears. I may not be cheap, but I have my limits. Koala bears sell.

Just to show how thin the line between humor and reality is at times I have put an asterisk before items that really, actually and truly did happen. In the words of fellow human being and somewhat inferior humor writer Dave Barry - “This is true, I am not making this up.” (Mr. Barry, through slick and highly questionable means, now owns the copyright to this statement.)

In Australia there are many loathsome creatures to watch out for as they are highly feared. In some areas it is the Australians themselves, but I'll get to that in another article. It's almost as though God intentionally put the most dangerous animals together in one place thinking that man would not find them there. (Except for the polar bear. God was wise enough to hide them in the North Pole where it took man a bit longer to find them. As far as I know there are no polar bears in Australia, although what I know doesn't go that far. No abominable snowmen either, although I have seen a few characters in Queensland who make me wonder.) 

Of course, there are the usual crocodiles and poisonous snakes and spiders, but they've been done to the point of bah-oring. What I really want to warn you about are the little rascals you least expect who sneak up on you like door-to-door salesmen in a bad economy.

*One of these are turtles. Yes, turtles. I can tell you first hand that in Australia, they are the size of Sumo wrestlers. I happened to be swimming back to the beach one day when I saw the wake of something coming towards me. At first I thought “Shark!” and my reaction was to wet my wet suit. When the thing passed under me, however, I saw that it was nothing more than a giant turtle. Luckily giant turtles don't have a taste for scuba divers but are now known as one of the many animals in Australia who get a kick out of scaring the living crap out of swimmers. 

Another denizen of Down Under is the notorious green-headed, green-butted ant. It has, as you can gather from the green-headed, green-butted name, a green head and a green butt and what has not been mentioned previously, a brown midsection. This green-headed, green-butted, brown-midsectioned beasty will for the duration of the rest of this article be shortened to GHGBA to save me and the editor valuable time. Now GHGBAs are funny looking enough to begin with, but on top of that they have a nasty bite which is especially saved for those who make fun of them (which is why I waited until I got home to write this). Couple that with the fact that in some areas they are as common as grass, and, you guessed it, live in the grass, and that folks spells Trouble with a capital 'T', which effectively changes the insect's name to GHGBAT.

Did you notice that I haven't mentioned kangaroos once yet?

One of the tiniest but meanest creatures in Australia are sand fleas. Sand fleas are especially evil things, worthy of a Stephen King novel. They are unseeable, unstoppable AND THEY THRIVE ON HUMAN BLOOD!!!!! Did I mention that they bite? Did I mention that the bites ITCH LIKE HELL? How do you fight off something that you can't see? I compare the horror to a bad grade B movie. You know, the ones where the invisible vampire sucks you dry like the IRS in April. When one thinks of a country entirely surrounded on all sides by warm, swimable beaches, it is a veritable sin for this to be ruined by such an evil presence as invisible but very real sand fleas. God must hate anyone having too good a time in paradise.

*For scuba divers, of which I am unfortunately a part of the group, there are Wobegons. They are sharks of the harmless variety (or so they say.) They are also known as 'Sleeping Sharks' because they lie around on the bottom of the sea like couch potatoes without televisions. This they did, that is, until my diving buddy accidentally kicked one and it went swimming off. Not that I'm complaining, but honestly, this destroys my concept of sharkhood since I always thought that any self-respecting shark would at least bite a diver's leg off for interrupting his siesta. While these sharks are real tough looking, as they have hides that look like camouflaged Desert Storm uniforms, the truth is, they are real wussies, but I thought I'd throw these creatures into this article just to see if you're paying attention.

Kukaburras are loud birds that sound like chimpanzees with an irritating case of hemorrhoids. They sound like the entire jungle backdrop of a Tarzan movie. Strangely, all of this noise comes out of short, squat bodies no bigger than pigeons, but then again, bull horns ain't all that big either. Now, although they don't sting, bite, or otherwise endanger the average camper, they are annoying as hell. If you are ever unlucky enough to have one next to your tent or cabin, you'll wish like hell you'd opted for a room at the local hostel, bedbugs or no bedbugs. 

Still haven't mentioned kangaroos.

Of course, one creature one never thinks to fear is the humble koala bear, but in whispers at night when no tourists are about, the natives speak fearfully of....KILLER KOALAS!!!!!! I have no earthly clue why the true nature of these animals has never been leaked to the press. Advertised as being cute, shy, loveable animals has created a gullible, vulnerable and ultimately unsuspecting public. While they aren't even bears, once you've encountered them in the wild, you can see where the koala picked up the latter half of its name. 

See, I didn't once mention kangaroos.

Koch Brothers Decide on Host for First Ever MSM Interview

When it comes to the Koch Brothers, you don’t ask them to do anything. Rather, they decide what it is they want to do and then they pull the strings to make it happen with little regard to whom it affects or whose wardrobe is soiled in the process.

In this case, David Koch decided one night after a little too much Courvoisier that it would be an absolute hoot to go on television, maybe even a mainstream media show, and give a short interview to give Americans a peek into who the Koch Brothers really are.

“Ooh, it would be great,” said David. “We could start off by telling everyone we are going to make the banks raise their service fees again, and that we are going to pull the leases on every building in NY that houses homeless shelters just before Christmas. And, while we’re at it,” he said, “we could announce to everyone that they can stop biting their nails over the elections, that we’ve already decided Herman Cain to be the next President of the United States…or Rick Perry,” he continued, “it doesn’t really matter.”

His brother Charles, who was sipping alongside him, actually agreed saying “Of course, what a brilliant idea. We could ruin Christmas for almost everyone in America this year. What a delightful way to spend the holidays.” With that, a plan was set in motion to find the perfect host.

The first name that popped up was, of course, Anderson Cooper. “Ooh, he’s absolutely dreamy,” the butlers heard David saying during an impromptu cognac tasting to choose the most expensive brand to celebrate Scott Walker staying on as Governor of Wisconsin for the remainder of his term.

While Anderson Cooper may be dreamy, he does have a tendency to go for the jugular and to not do what he’s told even when the commands are coming from two of the most powerful and influential men in American politics. Giggling, Charles Koch told David, “I’d give him a you-know-what (indicating with his tongue against his cheek), but never an interview.” David agreed what a pain in the ass Anderson Cooper could be and they both let out a little sigh at the thought.

Other names were floated about. Wolf Blitzer, too serious. Bill O’Reilly, too chummy. When Rachel Maddow’s name was thrown out there, David laughed so hard the cognac came squirting through his nose requiring a complete wardrobe change. “O dear Charles,” said David, “You are completely and utterly barking mad,” and then he threw out the name Jon Stewart, and they both laughed so hard they had to stop drinking for a few moments for fear of drowning in expensive snot.

“We’d be positively lynched,” said Charles growing hysterical again at the notion of undergoing such a hideous demise.

After collecting themselves and again becoming somewhat serious, Piers Morgan’s name came up. They both agreed on Morgan as being the best person to interview them. “Oh, he’s such a crawler,” said David (a word he uses to describe people who come to the Koch Brothers on their hands and knees for favors). “I would be surprised if we’d even have to pay him to do this.”

Word has it, Piers has been approached several times about this but so far hasn’t been able to give a yes or no response as he’s going through underwear like an octogenarian every time the mention of his interviewing the Koch Brothers comes up, not to mention the inability to keep his drool to a minimum.

No word yet on the date for the interview, but the Koch Brothers are hoping it doesn’t interfere with the Iowa Caucuses. “December 25th would be a great day to hold the interviews, said David. “I don’t believe we’re doing anything special that day.”

Rabu, 16 November 2011

Sarah Palin Jumps into Race to Save GOP

Today Sarah Palin is a hero to all the folks who have lost interest in their beloved GOP. She announced at a local Joplin, MO diner that she was indeed going to join in the race to become the GOP’s presidential nominee.

“We’d lost all hope,” said John Franklin, husband of Hope Franklin, no relation to the word hope in this sentence. “From Herman Cain, to Rick Perry to the present day sweetheart, Newt Gingrich, we Tea Party members have not yet felt any connection to a candidate like we did Sarah Palin. With Sarah back in the race, we are going to win all the way to the white house,” said Franklin.

Cheers went up when Sarah entered the Sweets n’ Eats Diner on the outskirts of Joplin, famous for its fresh strawberry pie. “I just love fresh strawberry pie,” said Sarah as she and husband Todd took a stool and sat through a meal of meat loaf and mashed taters, finishing off with a slice of the famous pie, albeit made with frozen strawberries as strawberry season is over.

Palin then told the crowd that no matter if something is served in season or out of season, “as long as you are famous for it, you have to serve it up,” and that is what she is doing by jumping back into the race. Palin also said she was tired of watching a bunch of amateurs vie for votes that she knows she could easily get just by showing up in Iowa. “I’m like that slice of strawberry pie.” said Palin, “You know you shouldn’t but you just can’t resist.”

Upon hearing the news, Historian Newt Gingrich commented, “She can’t do that can she?”

Sabtu, 12 November 2011

Jerry Sandusky Scared as Hell to Face Abuse Charges in Texas

Hi Jerry. Meet your new mommy.

By now, the world is aware of a very bad man who did very bad things to young boys. Jerry Sandusky, a coach at Penn State is in police custody after being charged with sexual abuse stemming from his allegedly forcing himself sexually on at least 8 young boys.

New news out of Texas, in particular, San Antonio, claims that Sandusky may also be guilty of abusing a young boy at an Alamo Bowl game in 1999 between Penn State and Texas A & M. The child was allowed to accompany Sandusky to the Alamo Bowl game for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. We now know it was only a ploy for Sandusky to get the child alone for his sick pleasures.

These latest charges have Sandusky pleading for mercy. “I can’t face these charges in Texas,” wailed a visibly distraught Sandusky. “I have heard stories about Texas jails. There is so much abuse there. Please, I’ll do anything, just don’t make me stand trial in Texas.”

Authorities could not be pinned down on exactly when Sandusky will be extradited to Texas, but confirmed that they will do everything in their power to get him down there asap in their jails. “Yes,” said one jail official, “we do have a pretty high incidence of abuse. And we can’t wait to introduce him to some of our model prisoners.”

Jumat, 11 November 2011

Scientist Claims Facebook is a Secret Social Experiment for Monetary and Political Gain

Henrique Oppenheimer, a research scientist who works for a major scientific research laboratory in Los Alamos, New Mexico, has let leak that the social networking site, Facebook, is actually a secret social experiment that began as a way to get humans to open up completely about their feelings in a public forum so that corporations could use the information for monetary and political gain.

Oppenheimer claims that Mark Zuckerberg, the supposed creator of Facebook, actually just agreed to lend his name to the laboratory to make the site appear to be the brainchild of another internet startup that took other networking sites such as LinkedIn and MySpace and made them better.

“We needed a way to get human beings to open up about how they felt on certain topics such as politics, religion, marriage, divorce, dating, etc.,” said Oppenheimer, “but we needed an honesty that ordinary poll questionnaires just didn’t allow.” The information gathered from Facebook has been used by some of the largest corporations in the world to develop and sell various new products, as well as helping decide what politicians must do and say to get elected to office.

Oppenheimer says that no one could predict just how effective the site would become in gathering information about its test subjects. What started out as a study in human behavior became a springboard for one of the most incredibly honest outpourings of feelings the world has ever seen and the most lucrative wellspring of public opinion ever produced.

The laboratory that Oppenheimer claims to be working for totally denies the allegations and says that they have nothing to do with Facebook. “We have a Facebook page, period,” said chief research scientist, Bark Ingmad. “We would encourage those who may believe Oppenheimer’s claims to continue their rants, raves, friending and unfriending as usual and to not worry so much about who is watching or taking notes.”

Kamis, 10 November 2011

Herman Cain Claims Dapper Appearance Cause for Unwitting Female Attraction

“Herman Cain is a Dapper Dan,” said Herman Cain at a recent appearance before a group of millionaires who don’t care who he’s banging as long as he keeps their best interests to heart.

“Herman Cain can’t help it if sexy blondes throw themselves at Herman Cain,” said Cain as he once again denied ever acting inappropriately toward any females while CEO of the National Restaurant Association.

“Herman Cain is snappy dresser, plain and simple, but he (Herman Cain) is worn out with all the attention he gets from being so suave and debonair,” said Cain as he appeared very comfortable wearing an expensive cashmere sweater vest under an equally expensive charcoal grey double-breasted suit.

“Herman Cain’s wife, while very understanding, is just a tad angry at the fact that she married such a handsome devil who women just can’t keep their eyes off of, even at Herman Cain’s age,” said the presidential candidate as he stepped away from the podium and rubbed closely against a tall blonde woman who was standing in the audience.

“I just came to ask Mr. Cain a few questions for my local newspaper,” said Sally Sweetwater, “but I guess I bit off more than I could chew, standing so close to where Mr. Cain was to exit the podium.” Sweetwater says she can’t understand how all this got so out of hand, however.

“While he does dress pretty snappy, there is a certain smell about him that makes me wonder why any woman would want to get within ten feet of him.”

Selasa, 08 November 2011

India Has a Thing For Michaele Salahi

There is a love affair going on in India the likes of which have not been seen since France took a serious shine to Jerry Lewis.

From diet tips to how to ditch a boring, useless husband, just the mention of White House party crasher Michaele Salahi in India will turn heads and sell millions of newspapers.

What is it that makes Michaele the honey of India’s dew? “It’s the fact that we all have the image of a very tall, very blonde woman wearing an Indian sari so beautifully,” claims Bollywood actor Vivek Oberoi. “We love beautiful people, and Michaele to us is beauty personified, except, of course, for her blonde hair.”

In India, women with dark hair wearing beautiful saris is just a given. That is why, when Salahi showed up on the scene in November 2009 beautifully coiffed and wearing a gorgeous red and gold sari, all India’s eyes were on her. That is, all Indian men’s eyes were on her.

“She is so fake,” claims famous Bollywood actress, Aishwarya Rai. “If I had a rupee for every time I saw an Indian man drool over her photograph…it disgusts me.”

Still, when Michaele Salahi blinks, everyone in India takes notice. Her leaving Tareq for Journey member Neal Schon shocked the entire nation, but many claim it is because she is a very strong, independent woman who knows how to find money, “and that,” says Oberoi, “has always been a very desirable trait for women in India.”

Senin, 07 November 2011

Cheney Autobiography ‘Mein Kampf II’ Flies off Bookstore Shelves

Contributed by RFreed

Dick Cheney has finally completed his long awaited autobiography 'Mein Kampf II.' Eager fans of fascism have been gnawing their own limbs off and those of Barnes And Noble staff waiting for it to come out.

In the new book, Cheney describes in excruciating detail his steady rise to unlimited power along the well-worn trails of American power mongering. An excerpt from his early years is: "It took every bit of my creative talent and nerve to get out of the draft and not be sent over to Vietnam. It was sheer hell! No man should ever have to go through that. And I had to dodge it five times!"

Despite this ordeal, Cheney proved his mettle by going on to become the Secretary Of Defense, the head of the U.S. military responsible for sending thousands of other Americans off to fight. But no price was too much to keep the oil flowing and thereby his moolah as well.

Before launching into his political career, Cheney describes the difficulties of raising children, albeit daughters, in our modern world. "I screwed a whole nation, but ended up with only daughters,” says Cheney. “Thankfully, whether I want to admit it or not, one of those daughters had the audacity to buck societal trends and give her dear old dad the son he never had.”

On the hardships of learning the political craft, Cheney says, "Nixon was an expert at the underhanded move, the political side-swipe. Unfortunately he was a lousy teacher, and I had to learn a lot of it on my own. Much of his lore will be lost forever due to that lack of talent."

And, on the difficulties of holding office, he writes "It is so demanding having to be Vice-President and a day-care attendant at the same time. I barely had enough time in a day to set up my Haliburton contracts. I lost a majority of my cut having to wet nurse Georgy W all the damn time."

Cheney goes on to write about the teddy bear qualities that endeared him to the hearts and minds of so many. "I personally delivered the keys to the jet bombers we brought over covertly to Al-Babra for the coup to set up his country as one friendly to ours. I will never forget the tears of gratitude that stained his cheeks, or the cool 30 million that ended up making from it."

Lastly, he writes of his regrets about helping to start the Iraqi war that took so many lives on both sides, "Man, I only made 15 million from the whole scheme! To my way of thinking, we could have made so much more just destroying and rebuilding Iraq’s infrastructure alone. It was a total waste of my talents."

Kamis, 03 November 2011

Herman Cain Story Most Readers Would Like to Read

With all the stories circulating about Herman Cain’s past sexual harassment charges, it seems everyone is jumping on the bandwagon to either assist him in proving or disproving the stories. While Cain sits high upon the fence, not yet ready to admit to any wrongdoing, speculators are coming up with some even wilder stories to make sure Cain doesn’t leave the political spotlight anytime soon. Here are some stories readers say they would pay good money to read:

Skeletons in Herman Cain’s Closet Have Boobs

Clarence Thomas Tells Herman Cain to Keep Hands off His Wife

Rick Perry Tells Herman Cain to Keep Hands off His Wife

Herman Cain Claims Black Hat is Source of All his Recent Troubles, Trades it in For White Hat

Herman Cain Takes Credit for Making Three Black Women Wealthier than When They First Met Him

Al Gore Tells Herman Cain to Stay Away from the Massage Table

Bill Clinton Tells Herman Cain to Stay Away from Cigars

John Edwards Tells Herman Cain to Lay Low, Preferably Under a Blonde

Herman Cain Claims Sex Had Nothing to do With His Sexually Harassing Those Women

Rumors Regarding Cain’s Viagra Usage Started by Georgia Pharmacist Turn Out to be False. Cain Only Admits to Using Enzyte.

Herman Cain Says Invite to lunch with Karl Rove and Dick Cheney Must Have Gotten Lost in the Mail

While none of the stories have been corroborated, it is fair to say that at least half or more of them will be given to research assistants in the next few days to determine if any have merit. Meanwhile, this writer would be glad to develop any one of the stories if asked.