Jumat, 31 Juli 2009

Thursdays Under the Magnolia Tree

Washington, DC – President Obama announced today that the small meeting held Thursday between himself, Joe Biden, Professor Gates and Officer Crowley to share a beer and lay to rest any misunderstandings that may have arose due to Obama’s poor choice of words about the incident involving Gates’ arrest by Crowley was highly successful.

Riding on the crest of that success, Obama has decided to designate a portion of his late Thursday afternoon time schedule to hosting like summits in an effort to solve disputes in a more informal, civilized way. Next Thursday he has had his staff “pencil in” Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Abbas to join him under the magnolia tree for another round of peace talks over a cold one. Said Obama, “No one enjoys beer as much as I do and hey, if we can get a peace deal out of it as well, then it’s icing on the cake.”

It is rumored that before the summer is out, he intends to have Bill O’Reilly and Keith Olbermann over to try and help them bury the proverbial media hatchet. Folks close to Obama say he fancies himself a political Dr. Phil, whose main goal is for everyone to just get along.

Kamis, 30 Juli 2009

Palin Re-Joins Alaska Independence Party

Wants to Be PM of Canada

Wasilla, AK - Former Gov. Sarah Palin has reportedly re-joined the Alaska Independence Party as party leader saying “I’ve had enough of those there ungrateful Americans. God willin’ with me as leader of the AIP, we’re not only gonna secede from the US, but we’re gonna make a bid to become a Canadian territory, hopefully in time for me to run for Prime Minister in the upcoming elections.”

After learning that Prime Ministers in Canada are appointed by the Governor General on behalf of the Queen of England, and not elected, Palin changed her strategy, saying “Never mind, then. Alaska will secede from the United States and form an Independent Nation and I will be Queen of Alaskaland.”

Rabu, 29 Juli 2009

Glenn Beck and the Birthers-New Album Released

Branson, MO – Many people may not know that Glenn Beck fancies himself a singer. Some who’ve heard him say “you either like him or you don’t, there’s no middle ground.” His voice is sometimes likened to a high-pitched whine, while simultaneously coming down into a deep growl, and together with his back-up singers, creates quite a unique sound.

The Birthers are Philip “Flip” Berg on slide guitar and back up vocals, Alan “Flop” Keyes on Bass, Orly Taitz, lead female vocal, and G. Gordon Liddy, synthesizer and back up vocals. Together, the group puts out a sound that has resonated throughout the south, and coupled with lyrics such as “A cross and some stars, still makes this country ours,” and “How much you wanna bet, US don’t appear on his birth certificate,” they get the message out loud and clear that a divided America is just how they like it.

Their hit single, “I’m Teabaggin’ All the Way to Washington” made it onto the country music charts the first week it was released. And Orly Taitz’ smoky rendition of “White Robe, White Slippers, White House,” is quickly becoming the Birthers’ most requested song.

Selasa, 28 Juli 2009

Cash for Concubines

Washington, DC – The Obama Administration has just announced yet another way to spend millions of our tax dollars on programs that will surely invite the most corrupt to take advantage. One such program, “Cash for Concubines” is aimed at aiding lying cheating husbands, especially those in Washington’s own back yard, to get rid of their old mistresses and trade them in for new models. “Some of these guys have, uh, well, they’ve really, uh, got it hard,” Obama said. “Here they are, wanting to keep the stability of a home life, uh, but also, wanting a little on the side. But it gets harder for them as their mistresses begin to approach the age of their wives. I felt like I had to help a brother out, so to speak,” he added.

Men can now apply for a voucher in the amount of $100,000 to offer to their old mistresses, as well as a free coupon for hair plugs, if needed, to improve their appearance, making it a little easier to court the young women waiting in line for their 15 minutes. The voucher and coupon program helps everyone through a very difficult transition period.

Although the program has already caught heat from a few wives, the general consensus in the male community is “we’re going to do it whether there’s a voucher program or not. This just makes it easier on everyone, so quit your bitchin’ and get back in the kitchen.”

Senin, 27 Juli 2009

Paula Abdul's Wedding Dance Factory

Minneapolis, MN – Those worried about the future of Paula Abdul after being snubbed by American Idol, needn’t be. After seeing the incredible web success of Jill Peterson and Kevin Heinz’ wedding (see youtube link at end of article), where the entire wedding party is shown boogying down the aisle to Chris Brown’s “Forever,” she’s started a brand new business--Paula Abdul’s Wedding Dance Factory.

For a few thousand dollars, you can have one of Paula’s protégés choreograph your dream “dance down the aisle” to be videotaped and saved for lasting memories. Paula has opened offices in all the major wedding locales, including Hawaii, Las Vegas and Minneapolis, where the whole craze started.

Among the dance packages offered will be “Moonwalk Beneath the Stars” featuring dance moves from all of Michael Jackson’s greatest hits; “A Guys and Dolls Extravaganza”, featuring Broadway-esque banter and songs; and “Latino Lovers” where the wedding party will tango down the aisles of love.

Those wanting to hire Abdul to personally choreograph their weddings will pay a premium. Abdul has been booked through the year 2015 and stands to make hundreds of millions of dollars in her new endeavor, eclipsing the paltry salary earned while a judge on American Idol.

Minggu, 26 Juli 2009

Chocolate Doomsday Cult Calls it Quits

Phoenix, AZ - It was announced today that the doomsday cult calling itself Death by Chocolate has called it quits due to the fact that their original mission to eat themselves to death with chocolate has not quite gone as planned.

Cult leader, the Divine Dove, stated that things were great up until around June when the heat hit and our refrigeration system went out. “We drank what we could of the melted chocolate, but it just wasn’t the same,” he said. “Since the cult only brings in enough money to buy chocolate and nothing else, there was no money to repair the refrigerator, and we lost everything.”

Detractors, however, paint a different picture. The real reason the cult was disbanding is because money has become scarce and their leaders were forced to buy inferior chocolate made with artificial ingredients. Without real cocoa in their diets, the libidos of the members returned to normal and no one felt like having sex anymore. Said one former cult member, “what’s the fun of being in a doomsday cult if you can’t have sex or eat chocolate every day?”

Sabtu, 25 Juli 2009

Wienermobile Not Welcome in Waikiki

Honolulu, HI – The Wiener the World Awaited got sent packing by an environmental group in Hawaii claiming that its cuteness was insidious. Cute wienermobiles are dangerously deceptive and can cause one to purchase inferior frankfurters, or so they say.

Oscar Mayer has threatened to sue for discrimination; however, it was pointed out that just last month, the same group gave marching orders to the equally popular Pu-Pu Plattermobile (see photo) for much the same reason. “Advertising pu-pu platters in such a public way, denigrates the elegance of the plate,” said the group’s spokesperson.

Oscar Mayer is taking the wienermobile back stateside “where,” said a company spokesperson, “everyone wants to be an Oscar Mayer wiener.” Everyone, that is, except Hawaiians.

Jumat, 24 Juli 2009

Clinton: N. Korea Needs a Good Spanking

Phuket, Thailand - Hillary Clinton angrily announced yesterday from Phuket (pronounced fuh-ket), that she’s had it with North Koreans, likening them to little children demanding attention. She expressed the desire to take Kim Jong Il over her knee and give him a good spanking. She scolded them for being so mean that they now don’t have any friends, and told them if they don’t stop shooting their rockets off, she was going ground them for three weeks with no internet.

The petulant N. Koreans called Clinton a mean mommy and stomped off to make some more rockets. “Who cares?” they muttered. “Who needs friends when you have enriched uranium?”

Kamis, 23 Juli 2009

Doctors' Apologies New Defense Tactic

On the advice of their attorneys and insurance companies, doctors are now stepping forward and admitting their mistakes, hoping that a sincere apology and a couple of bucks will make multi-million dollar lawsuits magically disappear. “Folks who have erroneously lost an arm or a leg, or even a kidney because of a mix-up in charts know that they can’t grow those things back and they can’t buy a new limb or organ—they just want someone to own up to the mistake and say, ‘look, I’m human, I’ve erred,’ said Joe Shnuck, Chief Surgeon at Washington General Hospital.

The plan, nicknamed “Fess Up, Pay Less” up by a consortium of insurance executives and defense attorneys at their annual symposium in Dubai, Saudi Arabia, is the brainchild of John S. Quire, outside counsel for BS Insurance. Said Squire, “If all it takes to mitigate damages is a doctor willing to admit wrongdoing and a couple of hundred dollars to get them (patients) out of our court systems, isn’t that what this is really all about?” He added, “They’ve lost enough. Why put them through years of litigation as well?”

Both men admitted the one roadblock to a successful plan going forward will be to convince the doctors that they won’t lose their licenses to practice medicine by admitting making avoidable mistakes. “Once someone signs that release, they can get on to the next patient without a care in the world,” said a smiling Schnuck.

Rabu, 22 Juli 2009

God Sues Missouri Truck Dealer

Butler, MO - Earlier this month, God sent a couple of angels down to file a restraining order in Bale County Court against Mark Muller of Max Motors, demanding he cease and desist from using his (the Almighty’s) name in the company logo “God, Guns, Guts and American Pick Up Trucks. Max Motors is giving away a voucher for an AK-47 rifle with every purchase of a truck. God told him more than once “don’t make me come down there.” Muller refused, saying it’s his God-given right, but then retracted that statement when confronted by God himself, who appeared as a thunderous lightening bolt.

When pressed as to why he is so upset that a professed Christian is using his name to promote trucks, guns and pride in country, God said “I am God. I decide who can and cannot use my name for promotional purposes. I’m getting tired of people like him making it harder to get the other religions to acknowledge me as their one true God. It has to stop someplace. Guys like him are giving me a bad name.”

Moments after the blinding white light of the Creator ascended back into the heavens, Muller went back to passing out AK-47 vouchers. “Don’t worry” he said. “Come Church on Sunday, all my sins will be washed away and I can start fresh with God.”

Selasa, 21 Juli 2009

Cereal Legend Dies

Sadly, another iconic figure in American pop culture (no pun intended) has passed. Pop, the third member of the infamous Snap, Crackle and Pop trio passed away unexpectedly in his home on Long Island.

Still reeling from the news, Crackle told us that “As a member of our group, Pop was the most full of life. I remember him saying, ‘you can’t stop hoppin’ when Pop’s around’ and that was so, so true,” and then his voice began to crack. Snap, known as the happiest sound around, was in no mood to smile. They both agreed that “Pop makes the world go ‘round,” and they just can’t imagine the world without him.

Pop leaves behind his wife, Fizzle, and son, PJ.

Senin, 20 Juli 2009

Kiddie Mafia Arrested

Philadelphia, PA – Seven children all from the same neighborhood were arrested last week on racketeering charges for maintaining the only lemonade stands within their township, and operating them without a permit. It started out innocently enough, but when the kids told their schoolmate, Timmy McFadden, he couldn’t have a lemonade stand on the next street corner, things got ugly.

They started going door-to-door telling neighbors to buy their lemonade “or else.” One of the neighbors, who refused to be identified and who has since changed her name, said she called the police to report the threats. The kingpin of the LH Gang (for “lemonhead”), is Donnie “Squeezer” Carmine. Dressed in a tank top and loose-fitting skate shorts, Donnie doesn’t remind you of a slick businessman, but when he starts to sell his lemonade, you know he means business. “Yeah, getcha lemonade right here, made with 100% real lemons and sugar, a sweet treat in the summer heat…”

Cops arrested the entire gang and held them in detention for several hours. However, upon hearing of the arrests, the Deputy Chief met with them, and later released them saying it was all a misunderstanding. Meanwhile, the Deputy Chief can now be seen driving a new Ford Mustang and the kids have opened up three more stands.

Minggu, 19 Juli 2009

Glenn Beck Leads Cult

It was confirmed today that Glenn Beck is indeed the founder and questionably charismatic leader of the political group known as The Inconvenient Cult.

When confronted, Beck admitted that the people who tune in daily to his broadcasts are doing so against their will. “How else do you explain the high ratings I get for the garbage I spew?” he said with disdain. “There are enough ignorant folks in this country just waiting for people like me to tell them what to think and who to believe. It’s not hard once you get them in your confidence.”

An expert on cults confirmed that Beck has all the qualities of a fairly successful cult leader, “he’s a liar, he’s controlling, he has an exaggerated sense of self, and as we saw just days ago, is given to fits of uncontrollable rage against anyone who questions his authority.” This could possibly explain his obsession with Al Gore, the one person he can’t seem to pull into his cult and whom he seems to secretly look up to. This is evident by his naming his book “An Inconvenient Book,” his tour “An Inconvenient Tour,” and now his cult “An Inconvenient Cult.” Glenn Beck—genius or merely disingenuous?

Sabtu, 18 Juli 2009

Bill's Philandering Pays Off

Washington D.C. - Thanks to some help from those in high places, as well as some very creative fundraising, Hillary Clinton’s Presidential campaign fund has gone from red to black, literally. She’s not only gotten some help from President Obama in helping her pay off the $25 million debt left by her campaign, but also from her husband, Bill.

Upon realizing that their $5 raffle tickets to “spend a day with Bill Clinton” was generating a lot of interest from Hillary’s female supporters, they decided to “go all the way” and offer Bill up for an entire weekend to not one, but two lucky bidders. So far the bidding has brought in more than enough to pay off Hillary’s debt and keep Bill out of her hair for awhile. Said Bill, “I’m just happy I’m finally able to turn my weaknesses into something powerful for Hillary. Everybody wins in the end.”

Unfortunately, the offer for the opportunity to talk politics with James Carville has garnered only one response from none other than Joe the Plumber, who just wants to do it because he says he cracks up when he hears Carville’s accent.

Jumat, 17 Juli 2009

Another Montauk Monster Sighting

Another Montauk Monster Sighting

NY – U.S. Marshalls yesterday ousted Ruth Madoff from her $7 million Upper East Side Manhattan penthouse in the Lipstick Building, leaving her to fend for herself. There was some confusion in the beginning when Mrs. Madoff answered a knock at the door and U.S. Marshal Joseph Guccione identified himself. “Oh, yes, Gucci, I didn’t know you delivered.” The mistake was quickly corrected when she was told to hand over the keys and get out.

As crowds of angry onlookers gathered in front of the building, one former friend stepped up, offering to let her sleep on her couch for a few days. She abruptly brushed the woman aside, saying “Not to worry, I’m waiting for my ride now to take me to my mansion in Montauk,” leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind that the Montauk Monster truly does exist.

Rabu, 15 Juli 2009

Hillary Clinton Throws Hissy Fit

Hillary Clinton wants the President to know in no uncertain terms that she’s just as important a part of his Administration as Joe Biden, and she’s not backing down this time. After breaking her elbow and missing out on a couple of high-profile trips abroad, Clinton is feeling the sting of being left behind in this administration.

So, exactly what has gotten Clinton so riled up? According to sources closest to Hill, as she’s affectionately known around the Oval Office, she’s tired of being left out of everything. So far, the President has gone on two burger runs in the past four weeks and hasn’t stopped by her office once to take her order. One of those times, he actually took Joe Biden with him and paid for his lunch, which ticked Clinton off to no end. “He and Joe walked right by my office, stuck their heads in the door, and yelled ‘goin’ to lunch, be back later,’ and just left.” She continued to rant, “I’m sure he knows how much I love burgers because it was one of the many gazillion questions he had us answer during his ridiculous vetting process before getting this asinine job.” She quickly retracted the last part of that statement and assured the American public that being Secretary of State does not really suck that bad.

But she did add, “If Obama wants me to be this country’s mascot, don’t just give me the costume and the title, give me the respect I deserve, and for God’s sake, would it hurt to throw in a burger every once in awhile?”

Senin, 13 Juli 2009

Madoff RFD

It was announced today that Bernard Madoff has finally found a prison home for the rest of his natural life, Mayberry RFD. As crazy as it sounds, Madoff’s attorney had put in a request that Madoff’s sentence be carried out at Otisville, NY, in order for him to be close to his family. Unfortunately, whoever received that request read it completely wrong and thought that Madoff was requesting to be imprisoned in the same cell where the infamous “Otis” of Mayberry RFD fame spent most of his weekends on “The Andy Griffith Show.” It is assumed that he was hoping that, true to form, Barney would leave the keys unattended and Madoff would be able to make his escape in no time.

Upon hearing the news, Barney Fife declared, “there ain’t no one ever escaped from this here jail cell, and I’ll be darned if this high falootin' city slicker is gonna be the first, ain’t that right Ange?” Andy agreed, "Youbetcha Barn.”

‘Bout that time, Opie came running in the jail yelling “Paw, Paw, is it true, is it true? Andy answered, “is it true, what Ope?” "Is it true this new pris’ner is a sinnin’ against the Lord?” “Why Ope,” said Andy, “what ever do you mean?” “Well, Paw, I heard that he’s been convicted of a white collar crime, and the only folks I know that’s got white collars are the preachers down at the Church.” “Aw, Ope, this here’s another kinda crime. Now you run along and fetch your Aint Bee for me will ya? We needs to have some supper brought up here right quick for our new pris’ner."

Aunt Bee hurried into the Sheriff’s office, wringing her hands and looking a might unsettled. “Why Aint Bee,” Andy was reported as saying, “you look like you’re just about to lose the blue ribbon for your sweet ‘n sour pickles to Clara down at the an-yule County Fair, I do declare.” “Oh Andy,” she said, flustered, “I just found out about your new prisoner and I’m just beside myself.” “Well, why, Aint Bee? He’s just like all th’ other pris’ners we’ve had in here, ain’t he?” “Ohhh no, Andy, he’s not, he’s just not at all like the other prisoners.” He’s Jewish.” “Well Aint Bee, I do declare, you ain’t never been against anyone in particular before,” Andy said, looking scornful at Aunt Bee. “Ohhh, no, Andy,” she replied. “I don’t care atall about his religion…I’m just concerned because I’m not sure about one thing. Andy, is fried chicken kosher?”

I've Been Published

Check out my recently published content on AC:
God Bless My Barbeque

Minggu, 12 Juli 2009

High society is really taking a beating in this economic crisis. The scores of trophy wives who have been left to fend for themselves by husbands caught in the unfortunate outing of greed and corruption on Wall Street are not taking their fall from status lying down—well, maybe they’ll take it lying down if the opportunity presents itself—anyway, there are many former well-to-do women out there who, because of the recent convictions of their high profile spouses, have begun to wonder, “will I ever shop at Gucci again?”

These kept women needn’t fear thanks to the efforts of a small group of their peers who, having had the sense to hide assets before their husbands were arrested, are going through their closets and picking out the stuff that is “so last year” and donating it to the poor darlings suffering from this disastrous year of corporate misunderstandings. This outpouring of kind generosity from women largely given to self-indulgence can only be deemed a miracle by most. Calling itself BABs--which doesn’t stand for anything, they just like the name—this small group of highly selfish turned less selfish women are a sliver of light in the fading dusk of the luxe world they come from. Originally begun as a joke, the wives of former executives charged with corporate fraud quickly realized that survival meant taking extreme measures. As much as they detest charitable giving, they quickly agreed that this type of organization would afford them a nifty tax haven.

Ruth Madoff, wife of Bernard Madoff, who made off with millions before Madoff was arrested, declared “I’d help, but I need every million I can get my hands on. Now be a darling, dear, and fetch me another cosmo, would you please?”

“One can only imagine the stress these poor unfortunate creatures are under by having to shop one block down from Rodeo Drive, or worse, having their hair and nails done in public,” said Lyns Palmer (not her real name), co-founder of BABs. “Their flawless complexions are taking a beating, and BABs has vowed to make available free botox injections to every one of these women who needs them," she added with feigned interest. Heartwarming, to say the least.

The above is strictly fictional and intended as satire, a mocking if you will.

Jumat, 10 Juli 2009

Living With a Control Freak

Do you live with a control freak? I’m not talking about someone who tries to control your life, per se. I’m talking literally about someone obsessed with controls. Controls for the air conditioner, car and home, ceiling fan speed, ambient lighting switch, sprinkler system. Anything with more than one speed or setting, and a knob, and this person has to continuously fiddle with the knob to control the speed, or change the channel, or make sure the lighting is just right.

I suppose if you live with a person like that long enough, you should become immune to their fiddling and constant changing, but you don’t and here’s why. First of all, you’re either too hot or too cold, but never just right. That’s because the fiddler is constantly making the temperature go up and/or down in an attempt to create the most perfect indoor living environment, which doesn’t exist—for the fiddler. They will go outdoors in stifling heat in the summer and then come inside to the igloo and pronounce how hot it is outside and how nice it feels indoors. Meanwhile, you’ve been sitting there with a sweater on for the past two hours thinking how cold it must be outside for it to be so cold inside, and you’d be wrong. It is 100 plus degrees out there where the fiddler fiddles with the garden hose nozzle.

That’s right, the exact amount of water must come through that nozzle for any given job. Spray the plants, need a lighter spray. Spray the lawn, need a spray that will reach the length of two football fields. Need a drink of water, go inside the igloo because fiddler won’t turn loose of the hose. By the time you do get to use the hose, you turn it on to find it doesn’t work. Why? Because fiddler has installed a very complicated dual-hose, dual source spigot with two hoses attached, and little levers on top of each spigot to open and close the valves, and whenever you pick up the yellow hose and turn on the valve for that one, you realize you just closed it, so you close the other valve and it still doesn’t work and then you pick up the green hose, because you aren’t really particular what color hose you get your drinking water out of and then realize that you didn’t push the right lever and you throw down both hoses in disgust and walk away. Along comes fiddler and asks, did you want something? And picks up the yellow hose, turns on the spigot and the water comes gushing through. You deem this a miracle, walk back inside the igloo, take your drink straight from the tap, pick up the remote, sit down on the adjustable lounger, and turn on the television, only to find that it’s been switched to DVD.

Rabu, 08 Juli 2009

Great Internet Content Writing

Reading websites has become my new hobby. I get more entertainment from them than any television show or movie I could be watching. There is a plethora of ill-written--to the point of comical--content, and sadly a paucity of well-written, attention-worthy content. But hey, maybe it’s just me. You be the judge. Here are a few tidbits I found while surfing websites offering limo services in the South Florida area. I’ll not mention any names, but hey, you know who you are.

1. When talking about a special wedding day, one company noted: “You obviously have a nose for the finer things.” I think they may have gotten their senses a little mixed up. Somehow “nose” and “finer things” in the same sentence don’t convince me that they have much “taste” when it comes to luxury.

2. One company seemingly doesn’t believe in lasting love. I am paraphrasing: “Once you let ‘us’ be the transportation for your…wedding limousine, you will want to get married…again!” Forget the fact that they can’t “be” transportation, more importantly, they want to be sure you use them not only for your first wedding but each subsequent one as well.

3. And I am guessing these guys either want the chance to get things right the second time or just have a few problems with the tenses of their verbs and the use of their pronouns. “Let us treat the bride and groom how you deserved to be treated and get you to the church on time.” Are they apologizing for the way you were previously treated and offering to make it up to you? In any event, offering to get you to the church on time instead of the bride and groom may just portend a repeat of the same poor service.

4. Now this company knows exactly what the bride and groom most expect of a limo driver when it comes to their big day: “our service providers are professional…and are trained to get you to your honeymoon suite as fast as humanly possible.” The heck with safety, the heck with courteous, just get us to that danged hotel room now!

5. Here’s another company that knows what the “big day” is really all about: “…we know what our role is…. Our trained drivers will conduct you in an unobtrusively way.” Just to clarify what I think they are trying to say is, their drivers won’t thrust themselves upon the happy couple on their most important day. How much more professional can you get than that?

6. This is just odd. I’m thinking this copy may have been written for some limo service that operates in some faraway place, maybe Jupiter, in the year 1920? “Then say SeLavue as you ride in style to catch your awaiting airplane or steamship…” SeLavue? C’est la vie, who cares if they can write well or not, they’re sending the happy gangster and his moll away on their honeymoon aboard that steamship in style.

7. This last one has so much that is just wrong, that I’m gonna take it apart in pieces and hopefully, no one will be able to put it back together again. “Florida limo services are as much a cottage industry in…Miami as is, say, cheese in Wisconsin.” Do you see how cleverly they tied the word cottage in with cheese in Wisconsin? Wait, there is so much more of this amazing descriptive style of writing. Try this on for size. “Clubland, as it is known, is not just a nocturnal theme park but a way of life for some.” If I’m reading this correctly, there is a theme park named Clubland, and I wanna know where I can get tickets because I can’t wait to visit Hip-Hop Land, and the Hall of Rappers.

But even this limo company has it’s limitations as noted in the following: “…no excuses are needed to throw a party here. Short of throwing a glammy event for the grand opening of a new gas station,…” What, you mean I’m gonna miss the grand opening of the new Speedway down on 181st Street cause I can’t get a limo ride?

Selasa, 07 Juli 2009

Men's Beachwear

Well, summer is officially in full swing, and forgive me for saying it, but so are the “ahem’s” and the “hoo-boys” of the teabaggin’ gents down at the neighborhood beach. Honestly, the only thing I can figure out is these guys are too cheap to buy a full-length mirror and can only see themselves from the waist up. Check the hair, smashing, check the chest hair, yep, a little grey, but the gold chain I’m wearing makes it look classy. Check the boys down south—don’t have to, I’m sure they’re just fine. A little adjustment here and there and it’s off to embarrass anyone within seeing distance of this winkie showoff.

I’ve seen enough of these guys in my day to be able to actually categorize them. So if you have nothing better to do than to read my rating scale from Pitiful to Oh-My-God, don’t blame me when you start having nightmares from the visuals.

1. Let’s start with the guy in the ill-fitting, faded blue nylon bikini suit that he’s obviously had since puberty. The elastic is no longer stretchy at the legs and you pray to God that you aren’t within eyesight when he finally decides to plop down, spread eagle on that beach chair. He honestly does not have a clue why that ocean breeze feels so darned good.

2. Then, on the other side of the coin is the ultimate Michael Phelps fan. As soon as the new Speedos hit the market, he was one of the first buyers. What he forgot to do was to hit the gym before hitting the swimsuit store. I know lycra and spandex are amazing fabrics, and under normal circumstances they can have quite a slimming effect, but not even those miracle fabrics can hold back the beast called “chubby.”

3. Oh, yes, then there’s the “adjuster” and I’m not talking insurance. The guy who can’t seem to make his gentlemen relax in that “one-size-too-small” suit. He’s constantly fiddling with the contents down there, but never seems to get it right. Think about it. He’d never do this in a boardroom or while out to dinner, but something about being at the beach with other scantily clad people seems to give him the idea that it’s ok to stick his hand halfway down the front of his pants, do a little dance, shake it all about, while simultaneously trying to pick up the hottest chick on the beach.

4. Python man. I’m sorry, I really am, but honestly, there isn’t enough fabric in the world for some guys. I mean, it’s gotta be painful stuffing all that junk in such a little pair of trunks. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was playing keep away with someone’s hackey sack.

5. And last but certainly not least, t-backs and shelling. Need I say more?

Minggu, 05 Juli 2009

How to Tell if Your Neighbor is a Novice Griller

1. He comes over and asks to borrow some gasoline….for the lawnmower.

2. Left side of his head looks like the empty lot out back of your house after last year’s brush fire.

3. When you start talking rotisserie, he says he’s uncomfortable discussing ladies’ undergarments.

4. You see him letting his wife flip the burgers.

5. When you ask if he uses mesquite, he tells you he doesn’t do drugs.

6. He does not have his beer chest strategically placed so that he can flip a wiener with one hand while grabbing a cold one in the other.

7. His kids take cover when he yells—who wants to help dad start the fire?

8. When invited over to your house for a bbq, he doesn’t try and tell you how to cook the chicken legs.

9. His patio is clear of giant grease spots.

10. He actually PREFERS eating hummus.

Jumat, 03 Juli 2009

God Bless My Barbeque

For some men, the anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence takes a back seat to the real reason for the season...

(Sung to God Bless America)
God Bless My Barbeque
Smoke Pit and All

I will cherish
And care for it

Through the summer
And into the fall,

From a brisket
To a t-bone

To some bratwurst
Soaked in Beer

God Bless My Barbeque
I love so dear,

God Bless My Barbeque
I love so dear.

Rabu, 01 Juli 2009

How to Save Money in Today's Economy

A key step when starting one’s plan to save money is to prioritize. Figure out what is most important in your life--what you absolutely cannot live without--and then find ways to make sure you always have enough money in the budget for it. Here’s an example: Food. Man can stay alive on bread and water indefinitely. However, that’s a bit harsh. A better approach is to divide the three main meals, breakfast, lunch and dinner, into separate days of eating, and rotate. For example, beginning on the 1st Monday, Thursday, and Sunday, have a hearty breakfast and only breakfast. Tuesday and Friday have lunch and only lunch, and on Wednesday and Saturday, have dinner and only dinner. With this system, you can cut out 730 meals a year, at an average cost of around $5 per meal, which comes out to a savings of roughly $3,655.00! That is beer money for the whole year, with a little left over to play the weekly lottery!

Next. Most everyone has a neighbor who just can’t say no to a sale at Home Depot. He has the best weed eater, the best rider mower, the best power washer; just about anything that uses combustibles to start it up. Borrow them, all the time, and on the off chance that your neighbor will begin to look upon you as a mooch, tell him that you are doing him a favor. Engines run better when they are used constantly, it’s a proven fact. Tell him that. If he still balks, come up with some more lies, such as you are only borrowing his mower so that your lawn will look half as nice as his. This whopper might even get him to throw in a bag of lawn food and fertilizer spreader. Just make sure you always have a sincere look about you. One giggle and the jig is up.

If you want to make some money on the side, rent his equipment out to other neighbors. Sure, the other neighbors see you using the same equipment all the time, so they’re sure to think that you own it. When they come to borrow it, tell them times are a little tough, that you could use a little extra dough. Of course, you’re gonna have to do a little acting. Visuals are great. Never carry anything in the pockets of your shorts. When Joe from next door comes a knockin’ to borrow the mower, turn your pockets inside out, and make a half-hearted joke about where moths breed, and you have him eating out of your hand. Word of caution. Learn the schedule of the neighbor with all the heavenly guy toys that you’re borrowing from. Only lend out his equipment while he’s out playing 18 holes of golf or taking the kids to soccer practice. Never let him see someone else using his equipment and be darned thankful that rider mowers don’t have odometers!

Say it’s near the end of the month, you’re almost out of beer money and the lottery is up to $12 million dollars. You’ve been there before, scrounging around in the couch cushions for change, selling your blood, offering a kidney. Just when things start to look hopeless, you come up with a great idea! It involves a cockroach and the dollar menu at the local fast food restaurant. Just remember to look really, really disgusted.