Washington, D.C. – Americans were buoyed last week when President Obama declared he was ready to kick ass over the BP oil spill, fully expecting him to go out immediately and find whose ass to kick.
However, even with some of those responsible doing everything but actually bending down in front of him with a sign on their ass saying “kick me” it seems he still hasn’t done any kicking.
Oh there was the occasional attempted kick of people like Tony Hayward whom he got close enough to kick, but as soon as he did, seems Hayward pulled away and down went Obama on his own ass.
“It’s quite fun to watch, actually,” said Hayward. “We love tough talk and even dish it out ourselves, but just like Lucy with Charlie Brown, we know the precise moment to move away from the situation and let it kick itself in the ass, and that is what is happening right now in the United States.”
Then, of course, there are the American regulators. But Obama found that they have a tendency to kick their own asses before they are brought up on charges of taking bribes from oil company executives. Elizabeth Birnbaum, for example, the former director of the U.S. Minerals Management Service, knew immediately as soon as the Horizon blew up how she was going to be held accountable and instead of jumping up and saying to the President, “kick my ass, sir” she scrambled away to what we assume is probably a lovely retreat somewhere in the Hamptons bought from oil money deals made under the watchful eye of no one.
This game of kick ass has actually provided some much needed comic relief to the British Petroleum Company who, before hearing Obama state he was looking for some ass to kick, was actually a bit frightened that they would somehow be held solely responsible for the worst oil spill in history “but now,” says an official spokesperson, “we are only about third in line after the American government goes after a few other ass targets that are a bit easier to hit like Transocean and Halliburton.”
In fact, BP is looking to find a company scapegoat to replace their loyal and treasured Tony Hayward; someone who is expendable and can “totally take the heat” of this disaster and still come out of it ok after a righteous ass-kicking by President Obama.