More Americans Interested in How Britney Spears is Dressed than In State of Economy

Recent poll results are in. Stories about Britney Spears dressing like a tramp are trumping stories about people losing their homes big time. “There just isn’t the ‘wow factor’ in a story about foreclosures anymore,” claims a writer for the New York Times. “It’s been done, overdone, in my opinion,” he said “and people are just sick of the whining.”

Meanwhile, stories about Britney Spears wearing skin-tight dresses and launching a new tour is what sells newspapers and ads on the internet claims another reporter who, until recently, was following the political scene in Washington. “People just don’t care if John Boehner and Barack Obama are at each other’s throats anymore,” said Bill Chapman, former Washington Post reporter turned Star Magazine chief correspondent. “But put a story in the paper that Charlie Sheen has reconciled with his family, even if it’s a bald-faced lie, and you can bet that edition will sell out in minutes.”

“In fact,” said Chapman, “just mentioning Charlie Sheen’s name in this article will get more attention than the last three articles about politicians, the poor dying in the streets, or the floods in the northeast combined,” he said.

Obama Looking for New Court Jester After Kal Penn Resigns

Comedy actor, Kal Penn, announced that he is leaving his gig working for the White House in the Office of Public Engagement to return to television. Some of you will remember Penn from his role on the television series House, others may remember him from the movie Harold and Kumar. However, only one or two of you, up until this story broke, even knew Kumar, err Penn worked in the White House Office of Public Engagement. And fewer still knew he was Obama’s personal Court Jester.

Nevertheless, what it boils down to is this: Obama needs a new Court Jester, and so it was announced today that Obama will be holding auditions for the position the week of July 18.

“What we need,” said Obama, “is someone who can take the disastrous events my administration has to deal with on a daily basis and make them palatable to me through comedy.” While Obama didn’t mention out loud that he wanted a Jon Stewart-type person to take over, sources close to the President say that he has said many, many times “Boy, it was a rough day today. I could really use Jon Stewart to loosen me up tonight before I go to bed.”

In the meantime, Obama has announced that due to his incredible talent for blurting out inappropriate statements which almost always get a chuckle from the press, Joe Biden will fill in as Court Jester until a suitable replacement for Penn can be hired. Obama has ordered Biden to move into the White House until further notice so that he can be on comedic call 24/7.

Newt Gingrich Blames Obama for Setting Marital Standards Too High

For the second time this year, Newt Gingrich has announced nationally that he is definitely considering making a run for President of the United States on the GOP ticket. He admits he has some hurdles to overcome and addressed those hurdles in a speech he gave recently at a private fundraiser in Provo, Utah.

“I am willing to admit to all of you sitting here today that I am not without sin,” Gingrich began as he tried to explain his past marital indiscretions. “Yes, I’ve cheated many times on the many women in my life, and maybe it does look bad to some.”

But Gingrich adduced that if it weren’t for a certain someone setting the bar just a tad too high for anyone of normal moral compass, let alone himself, he would be sitting a bit prettier in the hot tub of presidential hopefuls right now.

For instance, Gingrich maintains he had no choice but to use the excuse, “There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate,” because Obama was there, all the way, mocking him with his (Obama’s) perfect fidelity track record.

Believe me,” Gingrich complained, “I’ve spent some serious money trying to get the goods on Barack Obama but unfortunately, he’s the real deal when it comes to marital fidelity, and that just doesn’t bode well for me overall.”

Gingrich went on to say that the other major hurdle he faces in running against Obama is the money thing. “I don’t know how that man does it, but he can get common, ordinary working-class people to dig deep into their pockets for him,” said Gingrich. “Me, I have to depend on the folks at the top, and getting them to turn loose of a buck isn’t the easiest thing to do."

Gingrich claims this alone has required him to do things he’s not particularly proud of, referring back to the first part of his speech.

The only thing Gingrich says he may have going for him [thank the Lord] is his third wife, Callista, who got him to convert to Catholicism. “From what I’ve witnessed so far, those Catholics don’t mess around when it comes to infidelity—at least between a man and a woman, he joked--which is what I desperately need to keep me on the straight and narrow for the next couple of years until I get this ‘President’ thing out of my system.”

“Plus,” he said, “with all the talk running the rumor mills that Obama is a Muslim,” said Gingrich, “a good old-fashioned religious man persona may be just the ticket to getting me elected.”

Still, Gingrich claims he’s up for the challenge and, off the record, told the group that he just hopes his “lust for life” doesn’t derail him yet another time.

Obama Lowers National Speed Limit to 45 MPH, Adds Speed Bumps to Freeways

In an effort to make Americans conserve gasoline in this latest oil crisis, President Barack Obama has signed an emergency bill lowering the national speed limit a full 10 miles per hour, from 55 to 45. In addition, the President is asking the Department of Transportation to coordinate adding speed bumps on the nation’s highways to slow everyone down.

Since no one is certain how much longer we can expect turmoil in the Middle East, not to mention imminent war in Libya, which is certain to drastically affect America’s ability to get cheap oil, the measures were top priority for the White House.

Asked if speed bumps wouldn’t cause harm to cars with faulty suspension systems, Obama simply said “Arrive Alive, Drive 45, Buckle Up and Save Oil,” which he has dubbed the new official highway slogan. Unfortunately, no one really thinks this idea will catch on.

However, the National Association of State Troopers lauded the move. “Do you know how many drivers in this country can’t even keep it at or under 55?” asked Biff Cunningham, President of the Association. “With this new law, we’re gonna have people going so seriously over the speed limit, we’re betting that speeding ticket revenue alone will pull many states out of the red and possibly save many teachers’ jobs.”

Upon hearing this latest news, Sarah Palin remarked, “Well, I swear. Even when Barack Obama steps in poop (referring to the protests in Wisconsin), he still can come out smelling like a rose, unlike some New Jersey governors I know.”

Steps to Remedy Sophomoric Behavior Expected at SOTU Address

Whoever came up with the term “date night” to describe the seating arrangements anticipated at the President’s State of the Union Address on Tuesday night has a good handle on just how juvenile the behavior of some of our lawmakers has become. When it comes down to actually having to physically require Democrats to sit with Republicans and vice versa to give the appearance of bi-partisanship, we are in deep, deep trouble.

The fact that it took the shooting of a colleague to make legislators appear to act like adults is telling. But before we get all proud of ourselves as Americans and think that our representatives are finally going to act like adults on their own, consider what exactly has to be done to accomplish a bi-partisan seating arrangement on Tuesday.

Joe Wilson (R-South Carolina) will be required to sit in the front row, center seat of the chamber so that President Obama can keep his eye on him. Remember, Wilson was the senator who yelled out “You lie!” at Obama in 2009 when he was addressing a joint session of Congress to discuss health care reform. While he has promised to behave, seating planners are taking no chances with this rabble rouser and he’ll be joined on either side by Democratic senators as yet to be named.

The American Public Health Association (APHA) has recently disseminated a pamphlet entitled “You Can’t Catch Cooties from a Democrat” to all the Republican lawmakers prior their attendance at the State of the Union Address. The pamphlet was prepared to quell long-standing beliefs Republicans have had that they could very well catch cooties while being forced to stand near or sit next to a Democrat in any public setting. This pamphlet will come in extremely handy for the handling of Joe Wilson.

Special row monitors will be on hand at the end of each row of seating to monitor the passing of notes by disgruntled senators. The necessity of this action came to light immediately following last year’s State of the Union Address when a crumpled up piece of paper was found on the House chamber floor. The note read thusly “Glad we’re sitting way over here, cause I hear you can catch cooties from them Democrats, ha ha.” The note also contained a crude drawing of President Obama with what appeared to be little bugs crawling on his suit.

John Boehner was asked if he felt these measures were necessary to get legislators to act like ladies and gentlemen and not resort to the childish reactions witnessed at last year’s address. Boehner replied simply, “They started it.”

Communication Between Obama and Chief of Staff Devolves into Abbott and Costello Sketch

China’s President Hu Jintao (pronounced Hoo Jin-tou), was scheduled to spend three days at the White House for a state visit, and was the first important item on President Obama’s agenda since William Daley became the White House Chief of Staff. Everything was expected to be perfect and as such, President Obama relied on Daley to make sure everything ran smoothly. The following exchange was rumored to take place on the morning of President Hu’s arrival.

Obama: Morning Bill. What’s on the agenda today?

Daley: Not what, Hu.

Obama: I’m sorry. Hu?

Daley: Yes, Hu Jintao.

Obama: Who’s in town?

Daley: Yes, Hu.

Obama: I don’t know, Bill. That’s what I’m asking you.

Daley: And I’m telling you, sir. Hu Jintao.

Obama: Ok, let me get this straight. You don’t know who’s in town?

Daley: Yes, I do. Hu. That’s the man’s name.

Obama: What man’s name?

Daley: Hu.

Obama: Ok, let’s start over. Who’s on the agenda today?

Daley: You’re absolutely right, sir.

Obama: Look Bill, all I want to know is what’s on the agenda today?

Daley: And I’m telling you sir, Hu.

Obama: Where the hell’s Rahm when I need him?

Daley: Who, sir?

Just then Michelle Obama walks into the room and, not being privy to the conversation but wanting to remind her husband about the big state dinner planned for the evening, says nonchalantly “Morning, dear. Guess Hu’s coming to dinner.”

Glenn Beck is Dusting Off His Lederhosen and Ratcheting Up His ‘Hitlerspeak’

“Politicians, however, are there to protect you, and they're pushing a ban on certain symbols and words, a ban on guns, a ban on talk radio.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 1/11/11]

In the wake of the pushback he’s getting from the shooting in Tucson, Arizona this past week, Glenn Beck is finding it necessary to ratchet up his fear mongering and he’s doing it at a fevered pitch not seen since the days when he first sported a pair of Lederhosen on national television and started interviewing himself. Yes, Beck has brought the Hitlerspeak back to let America know that in the sea of crazy, he is the one lone sane voice that is going to save them from marching to “Der Commandant’s” cadence.

This time he is claiming that certain Washington lawmakers, at the prompting of President Obama, are using the tragedy to once again take away our guns. In doing so, Beck has succeeded in prompting the biggest buying spree of guns, especially the exact same kind of gun used in Saturday’s shooting, since right before Obama’s election, when he spurred Americans to get their guns before their rights were taken away for good.

“It’s not just me that is scared of losing my rights,” says Beck. “Gosh darn it, I have the best interests of my fellow Second Amendment rights believers in mind when I tell them ‘Get out there and buy your weapons, you idiots, before it’s too late.’ Is that so wrong?”

Attempts to find video of this latest on-air stunt have proven to be near impossible as any existing videos of Beck touting Americans to take back America by force, if necessary, have been scrubbed from YouTube. No explanation has been given.

Sarah Palin Hails President Obama at Beck Rally

Sarah Palin gave a surprise second speech Saturday at Glenn Beck’s “Restore Honor” rally in Washington, D.C. In it, she praised President Obama for finally bringing our combat troops home from Iraq.

“As a mother of a combat soldier,” I want to thank President Obama personally for seeing to it that my son’s life and the lives of the soldiers still living are finally home safe and sound from Iraq. There has been too much bloodshed already. That is what this rally is all about.”

When Glenn beck was told of the secondary speech, however, he was not pleased. “Jesus God in Heaven,” said Beck. “I got outside to load up on corn dogs and curly fries and come back to find out that my number two speaker has just given a second speech. Boy, you have to spell everything out for that Palin woman. Number two speaker just means she’s second in line to me, not that she gets two whacks at giving a speech.”

Beck went on. “I just hope she’s smart enough to realize which of the Jiffy Johns are for #1 and #2, cause these corn dogs can sure cause some distress.”

District Judge Blocks President’s Moratorium on Oil Drilling after Hunting Invite from Cheney

Federal District Judge Martin Feldman took immediate measures to block the 6-month moratorium President Obama placed on new deepwater drilling projects due to the ongoing disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. Most people were curious as to why this Judge would make such a ruling in light of the testimony thus far from workers on the Horizon oil platform that indicate that BP didn’t take proper measures to ensure the safety of its workers.

Most people would agree that until the details of this accident are sorted out, it would be wise to not start up any more drills along America’s coasts. So why would Judge Feldman make such a ruling?

Telephone records from the Judge’s office indicate several phone calls from former Vice President Dick Cheney, as well as a hand-engraved invitation to go quail hunting in Texas within the next couple of weeks. Said Feldman’s Judicial Assistant, “Judge Feldman really likes to go quail hunting, but he knows as well as anyone, when you get an invitation to go quail hunting with Dick Cheney, it’s not really about bagging quail.”

President Obama Misses Asses and Falls Flat on His

Washington, D.C. – Americans were buoyed last week when President Obama declared he was ready to kick ass over the BP oil spill, fully expecting him to go out immediately and find whose ass to kick.

However, even with some of those responsible doing everything but actually bending down in front of him with a sign on their ass saying “kick me” it seems he still hasn’t done any kicking.

Oh there was the occasional attempted kick of people like Tony Hayward whom he got close enough to kick, but as soon as he did, seems Hayward pulled away and down went Obama on his own ass.

“It’s quite fun to watch, actually,” said Hayward. “We love tough talk and even dish it out ourselves, but just like Lucy with Charlie Brown, we know the precise moment to move away from the situation and let it kick itself in the ass, and that is what is happening right now in the United States.”

Then, of course, there are the American regulators. But Obama found that they have a tendency to kick their own asses before they are brought up on charges of taking bribes from oil company executives. Elizabeth Birnbaum, for example, the former director of the U.S. Minerals Management Service, knew immediately as soon as the Horizon blew up how she was going to be held accountable and instead of jumping up and saying to the President, “kick my ass, sir” she scrambled away to what we assume is probably a lovely retreat somewhere in the Hamptons bought from oil money deals made under the watchful eye of no one.

This game of kick ass has actually provided some much needed comic relief to the British Petroleum Company who, before hearing Obama state he was looking for some ass to kick, was actually a bit frightened that they would somehow be held solely responsible for the worst oil spill in history “but now,” says an official spokesperson, “we are only about third in line after the American government goes after a few other ass targets that are a bit easier to hit like Transocean and Halliburton.”

In fact, BP is looking to find a company scapegoat to replace their loyal and treasured Tony Hayward; someone who is expendable and can “totally take the heat” of this disaster and still come out of it ok after a righteous ass-kicking by President Obama.

President Obama Celebrates Earth Day by Promising to Legalize Marijuana

“Today, as we celebrate Earth Day, we must keep in mind all the wonderful plants and weeds that Mother Nature has provided for us for medicinal purposes, some of which are perfectly legal to use at our disposal, while others may have to wait just a tad longer to become a part of our own personal medicine chests.”

“While I don’t wish to make light of the seriousness of whether or not marijuana should be legalized in this great country of ours, I will say that I am honestly just not sure what all the buzz is about. I mean, it is a natural organic substance and can be cultivated just like lettuce or tomatoes in so many of our good citizens’ gardens. It’s not like it is being concocted in some pharmaceutical lab. It is God’s gift to man and government should have no hand in denying American citizens their God-given rights. Just ask those gun rights people about God-given rights.”

“So let me make one thing perfectly clear. Marijuana is not a bad substance and the quicker we get legislation to make it legal to grow and possess it on a personal level, the quicker we’ll get the bad guys off the streets and Mexico can go back to being a sleepy third-world country instead of thinking of new ways to get their Mexican brand of weed across the border.”

At least that’s what a bunch of my friends thought he was saying when they were all chowing down on some munchies and watching CNN News with the volume turned way down. 

Iced Tea Spiked with LSD Found at Tea Party Rally

A group of hippies, outraged that the Tea Party Movement is advertising their Saturday protest rally in Sen. Harry Reid’s hometown of  Searchlight, Nevada as a conservative Woodstock, decided to teach Palin and her cronies a lesson they’d not soon forget.

Disguising themselves as conservatives, tucking their long locks up into camouflage ballcaps, and spouting anti-Obama expletives, several older hippies infiltrated the rally and began spiking the community tea supply with real LSD.

Fortunately, only a handful of rallyers drank the tea before the prank was discovered. Of those who did trip out, it was like a scene right out of a Pink Floyd video. Joe and Marie Scottsman, a married couple in their 60’s began to strip off their clothes in front of everyone and declare to those around them that they were going to start an orgy and anyone who wanted to join in were free to do so.

Another elderly Tea Party follower was found wandering around in the surrounding desert collecting what he believed were moon rocks to sell when he got back to earth.

For an hour or two, there was total mayhem as the tea partiers passed around bad information regarding the spiked tea. “Don’t drink the iced tea from the Gulfstream down there over by the welcome tent,” said one PSA. “Do you know how many freakin’ Gulfstream trailers there are here today?” complained one concerned party-goer. Many others were confused in thinking that it was kool-aid that was spiked and not iced tea. Most everyone blamed Obama.

In the end, 47 tea partiers in all were being coaxed down by their conservative counterparts only to be told that they were now undesirable members because of their drug use, unintentional or not. Talk about a bad trip.

Impeached Illinois Governor to Speak at Northwestern on Ethics

Former Illinois Governor, Milorad "Rod" Blagojevich, impeached for trying to sell President Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat in 2008, and convicted on several federal conspiracy charges including “pay to play” schemes, has been asked to speak by a group of College Democrats at Northwestern University.

Title of the Event? “Ethics in Politics: An evening with Former Governor Rod Blagojevich.”

Idiots. What? They think he’s gonna be up front and honest with them? Guess they’ll just have to learn themselves. Here’s hoping they don’t spend too much on the refreshments. Kool-aid should suffice.  

The Game Change Exchanges No One is Talking About

A thoroughly entertaining book, The Game Change, has brought to light some “wish we hadn’t said that” moments from almost everyone associated with the 2008 Presidential campaign scene. So I just couldn’t wait to get my hands on a copy to see for myself what all the hubbub was about, especially when I heard that Harry Reid, the gosh-darn nicest, I-don’t-have-a-racial-bone-in-my-body kinda guy is credited with the now infamous line spoken when he was trying to make the case that the country was ready for a black presidential candidate…and referred to Obama as a “light-skinned African American with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one. ”

And that was just the tip of the iceberg. Why even Bill Clinton “Mr. Harlem 2002” has been credited with some off-color comments such as suggesting to Teddy Kennedy that a scant few years ago, Mr. Obama would have been getting him coffee. “I’ll take mine black, please.”

After reading between the lines, I was able to find these quotes that were somehow missed by mainstream media in their haste to get the word out on the street as quickly as possible as to just how petty, stupid, moronic, egotistic, and yes, overtly racist most people associated with our government truly are when they think no one is watching:

During a stop for a Memorial Day picnic in Waterloo, Kansas, John McCain was said to be having a rare hissy fit due to a menu change that he did not approve. According to his campaign manager, it was decided that from Memorial Day forward, there would be no eating of watermelon at any of the picnics John attended. “John loved watermelon,” his publicist is quoted as saying, “but they wouldn’t let him have any because on the off chance that his photo would have been snapped with a big slice of watermelon in his hands, it would look like he was trying to parody Obama.”

The Obama campaign was having racial issues of its own when, during the time that the media was busy snapping pictures and making up mean things to say about Sarah Palin being dressed in designer duds, one of Obama’s top advisers made this comment: “they (the media) should be less concerned with Palin wearing Valentino and more concerned about those ‘tighty-whiteys’ John McCain is obviously sporting beneath his seersucker suits,” off-handedly referring to the overt whiteness of McCain’s campaign.

In addition, a source close to Congressman Jefferson “Jeff” Beauregard Sessions III (R-Al)( I am not making this name up), states that Jeff was having a particularly hard time wrapping his head around the fact that there was a good chance that a man of color with a name like Islam had a chance of making it all the way to the White House that he let slip his thoughts to no one in particular, “I’ll tell you right now, if you think that we are going to let this go much further, then you haven’t seen what we are really like when we go into high gear. We’ll be all over the Obama campaign like ‘white on rice.’” Unfortunately, no one knows who “we” are but we (that’s me) have a pretty good idea.

And finally, there was a statement that beat them all when Sarah Palin was caught early one morning chatting with the official McCain campaign laundress: “Hi, Josephine, can I call you Josie? I just wanna know there, how do you get the whites so white and the coloreds so darned bright?

It's Time to Take From the Rich

The White House has leaked what costumes the Obamas will be wearing at the annual White House Halloween Ball. The President has chosen to be Robin Hood, and Mrs. President will become Maid Marian. The theme for the ball this year will be “Sherwood Be Nice to Make Everyone Happy.”

Following the President’s lead, Eric Holder has agreed to come dressed as the Sheriff of Nottingham; Carey Cash will be attending as Friar Tuck; and Rahm Emmanuel has reluctantly signed on as Little John. The rest of the Merry Men will include Barney Frank, Max Baucus and Nancy Pelosi.

Breaking from the crowd will be Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, and her husband, President Clinton. They will attend the party as Fabio and the Secretary of State. Joe Biden? Yep, Town Crier. That’s a foregone conclusion.

“It’s gonna be wicked great,” said Michelle Obama. “We’ve got a really great party planner who is going to transform Camp David into Sherwood Forest for the evening and wait until you see my man in those green tights!” Yes, that will be something to see, half of Washington in green tights.

Some in Washington believe that this Halloween ball is the precursor for very real events to take place over the next few months whereby President Obama is finally going to mandate a real taking from the planned year-end bonuses of the banks and insurance companies’ Chairmen and CEOs and giving to the small businesses and homeowners who are on the verge of losing everything.

Says Michelle, “You know, I think it is going to be really hard to get Barack to take off that costume come November 1st, but then again, he doesn’t need green tights to take the green back.” No he doesn’t Michelle, no he doesn’t.

Candy Throwing Incident at White House Further Strains US/Afghanistan Relations

Relations between Afghanistan and the United States were further strained last week due to an unfortunate misunderstanding involving President Obama and the Afghani leader, Hamid Karzai.

The incident happened in the Oval office as the two were just sitting down to discuss what could be done to repair broken ties between the two countries. Evidently, taking his cue from the U.S. summer hit television show “Dating in the Dark,” Karzai took out a box of smoked salt caramels (Obama’s favorite candy) and proceeded to hurl them one at a time in the direction of the President. Unable to fend off the barrage of confections, Obama took direct hits on the side of his nose as well as to the corner of his left eye.

Upon hearing Obama’s cries for help, secret service officers rushed into the room in time to witness Obama diving under his presidential desk, as Karzai continued to lob the candy in his direction.

Karzai was taken into custody and upon interrogation, gave this account of the incident. “I love American television and I watch it every day. When I saw the episode on ‘Dating in the Dark,’ where one girl took a piece of candy and threw it at another girl and hit her in the face, I thought that throwing candy was a sign of affection in America. I found out that President Obama’s favorite candy comes from Fran’s Chocolates in Seattle, and I had my secretary secure a box of the caramels so that I could throw them to him during our meeting.” He continued, “I do not know what all the fuss is about. It’s not like I threw a shoe at President Obama. I thought I was honoring him by pelting him with his favorite treats.”

Once Karzai was restrained, the officers went back into the Oval Office to find Obama still hunkered down under his desk, chewing on one of the offending missiles. “At least Hamid threw the correct candy,” Obama mused. “God forbid he would throw ordinary Kraft caramels at me.”

“The President was pretty banged up,” one of the officers commented. “He looked like he had just gotten out of the ring with Joe Louis. He is gonna have one hell of a shiner come tomorrow morning.”

The meeting between Obama and Karzai was cancelled and a new meeting date was not announced. “We need to take a close look at this incident to determine whether President Karzai’s excuse that he thought throwing candy at someone in America was considered an act of endearment, or whether he intentionally meant to harm the President,” said a White House spokesperson. “Until we can assure the complete safety of President Obama, there will be no more meetings between him and Karzai.”

When asked if he’ll be more careful about the American shows he watches in the future, Karzai had this to say, “No, I’m sorry to say, that I am hooked on American television. I am looking forward with great interest to season 8 of the series “24.” There is so much good stuff on that show, I don’t miss an episode.” With that, Karzai was whisked away to the airport and his flight home to Afghanistan.

Thursdays Under the Magnolia Tree

Washington, DC – President Obama announced today that the small meeting held Thursday between himself, Joe Biden, Professor Gates and Officer Crowley to share a beer and lay to rest any misunderstandings that may have arose due to Obama’s poor choice of words about the incident involving Gates’ arrest by Crowley was highly successful.

Riding on the crest of that success, Obama has decided to designate a portion of his late Thursday afternoon time schedule to hosting like summits in an effort to solve disputes in a more informal, civilized way. Next Thursday he has had his staff “pencil in” Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Abbas to join him under the magnolia tree for another round of peace talks over a cold one. Said Obama, “No one enjoys beer as much as I do and hey, if we can get a peace deal out of it as well, then it’s icing on the cake.”

It is rumored that before the summer is out, he intends to have Bill O’Reilly and Keith Olbermann over to try and help them bury the proverbial media hatchet. Folks close to Obama say he fancies himself a political Dr. Phil, whose main goal is for everyone to just get along.