With all of their leftover disposable income being spent on college tuition rate hikes, students all over America are finding it harder and harder to find the money for extras to make themselves more appealing to potential partners.
“We were counting on the money we saved on tuition to have our nails done and get a spray tan before going on spring break so we can look halfway decent in Mexico,” said Bambi Courtney, a business major who attends the University of California-Davis. “But now, with the schools jacking up our tuition, we are finding it more and more difficult to look hot for spring break.”
Bambi says she and her sorority sisters were in their rooms watching television when they saw their fellow students getting hit pretty hard by campus police with pepper spray. The end result was that the students who were sprayed suffered burns not unlike those you’d get by sitting under a hot sun for hours.
“We were stunned,” said Bambi. “Here we were sitting around all weekend with nothing to do, no money to do it, and no way of talking our parents into footing the bill for yet another spray tan session and it hit us, we’ll just go out there and link arms and let those nice policemen hit us with the pepper spray.”
Dorry Hardings, Bambi’s best friend, agreed. “I heard it stings really bad, but heck, I’ve gotten a bad sunburn before after passing out from drinking too many Coronas on the beach. I’ve been there, done that. This can’t be that much worse.”
Dorry and Bambi say they are hoping the protests last until next March and if so, they say they will be in the front lines of those protests wearing bikinis and hoping when the police come around, they’ll take a moment to let the girls turn slowly around so that pepper spray hits their skin evenly all the way around.
“We are learning so much in business school,” said Bambi. “While we aren’t sure yet why all those kids find it necessary to go out there day in and day out to protest for like world peace and stuff like that, we’re glad they are doing it. Otherwise,” she said, “we wouldn’t have even thought of this alternative to high-priced tanning sessions. I may even ask daddy to help me start a small company to combine protesting with tan-enhancing services.”
“Oh the things you learn in business school,” she said as she prepared to go out for the evening peddling the awesome fake ID’s she found online.