When it comes to the Koch Brothers, you don’t ask them to do anything. Rather, they decide what it is they want to do and then they pull the strings to make it happen with little regard to whom it affects or whose wardrobe is soiled in the process.
In this case, David Koch decided one night after a little too much Courvoisier that it would be an absolute hoot to go on television, maybe even a mainstream media show, and give a short interview to give Americans a peek into who the Koch Brothers really are.
“Ooh, it would be great,” said David. “We could start off by telling everyone we are going to make the banks raise their service fees again, and that we are going to pull the leases on every building in NY that houses homeless shelters just before Christmas. And, while we’re at it,” he said, “we could announce to everyone that they can stop biting their nails over the elections, that we’ve already decided Herman Cain to be the next President of the United States…or Rick Perry,” he continued, “it doesn’t really matter.”
His brother Charles, who was sipping alongside him, actually agreed saying “Of course, what a brilliant idea. We could ruin Christmas for almost everyone in America this year. What a delightful way to spend the holidays.” With that, a plan was set in motion to find the perfect host.
The first name that popped up was, of course, Anderson Cooper. “Ooh, he’s absolutely dreamy,” the butlers heard David saying during an impromptu cognac tasting to choose the most expensive brand to celebrate Scott Walker staying on as Governor of Wisconsin for the remainder of his term.
While Anderson Cooper may be dreamy, he does have a tendency to go for the jugular and to not do what he’s told even when the commands are coming from two of the most powerful and influential men in American politics. Giggling, Charles Koch told David, “I’d give him a you-know-what (indicating with his tongue against his cheek), but never an interview.” David agreed what a pain in the ass Anderson Cooper could be and they both let out a little sigh at the thought.
Other names were floated about. Wolf Blitzer, too serious. Bill O’Reilly, too chummy. When Rachel Maddow’s name was thrown out there, David laughed so hard the cognac came squirting through his nose requiring a complete wardrobe change. “O dear Charles,” said David, “You are completely and utterly barking mad,” and then he threw out the name Jon Stewart, and they both laughed so hard they had to stop drinking for a few moments for fear of drowning in expensive snot.
“We’d be positively lynched,” said Charles growing hysterical again at the notion of undergoing such a hideous demise.
After collecting themselves and again becoming somewhat serious, Piers Morgan’s name came up. They both agreed on Morgan as being the best person to interview them. “Oh, he’s such a crawler,” said David (a word he uses to describe people who come to the Koch Brothers on their hands and knees for favors). “I would be surprised if we’d even have to pay him to do this.”
Word has it, Piers has been approached several times about this but so far hasn’t been able to give a yes or no response as he’s going through underwear like an octogenarian every time the mention of his interviewing the Koch Brothers comes up, not to mention the inability to keep his drool to a minimum.
No word yet on the date for the interview, but the Koch Brothers are hoping it doesn’t interfere with the Iowa Caucuses. “December 25th would be a great day to hold the interviews, said David. “I don’t believe we’re doing anything special that day.”