Senin, 13 Februari 2012

President Obama Plans on Plying Republicans with Liquor to Get Budget Passed

President Barack Obama has just put the finishing touches on a 3.8 billion dollar spending plan and nothing would make him happier than to have the full support of the House and Senate. Unfortunately, the Republicans have no intention of allowing him any chance in hell of getting it passed--uh, especially in an election year. Hello, hello, anybody home?

But Obama knows this all too well and that’s why this time around, he’s playing the proverbial ace up his sleeve to get this deal passed. “I’m gonna send them loads of liquor and a note that says there’s plenty more where that came from,” said Obama at a speech in Tennessee. “I’m pretty darned sure that if I get their ringleader Boehner soused, which won’t be difficult at all to do, it’s just a matter of having him go around and do some pourin’,” said a confident Obama.

Obama hatched the unconventional scheme as he began a tour of a famous whiskey distillery. “All of a sudden it hit me. Rednecks love this stuff. You get a redneck drunk and they do all sorts of crazy stuff. Why, from what I hear, the crazy sons a guns even go fishing for giant catfish with their arms stuck way down into holes in the sides of river banks. So what’s stopping them from getting the bag on and passing my budget?”

Obama says he can remember a time when it took more than whiskey to get a deal done in Washington.

“Money wasn’t just being spent on liquor,” he said. “Lots of women were being hired to help get business done in Washington. Why, during the reign of the D.C. Madam, this town passed so many cockeyed bills, it’s taken us till now to unravel the mess.”

But since wife Michelle has issued a strict “no ho’s in Congress rule,’ the President is content with the liquor and has reportedly ordered a thousand cases of Lynchburg’s finest to have delivered to every member of the Republican House and Senate by Wednesday.

“I should have the signed budget back on my desk by Thursday morning, and if I play my cards right, I can get this thing wrapped up by noon, while the fellas are still sleeping it off,” said a beaming Obama.

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