The Godfather of the GOP, Karl Rove, has hinted that he still has a few tricks up his sleeve to turn the GOP Presidential race back into a somewhat respectable spectacle. Speaking last night at a Rotary Club Dinner given in honor of George H. W. Bush, who Rove claims was one of the finest Presidents this side of Reagan, Rove gave very strong indications that he is about ready to pop with joy.
“Gentlemen,” Rove began, “light your cigars, sit back and let that big porterhouse steak digest, and just relax. Daddy’s gonna give you some very, very good news.”
The news, apparently, is that Rove and daddy Bush are at it again. This time, they are pushing Jeb Bush into the Presidential ring.
“We were going to wait this out and see if the boys [Romney and Gingrich] could play nice enough to get our base ignited again,” said Rove, “but we seriously underestimated their stupidity.”
Rove went on to say that the only way the GOP has a [expletive] chance of winning this [expletive] race is to get a God-[expletive] fella in there who can make nicey-nice with the Kochs, schmooz the female vote, and, of course, win Florida back from Romney.
When reminded that the Florida ship has already sailed—meaning the primary has already taken place, Rove replied, “Rules are made to be broken. In fact,” said Rove, “the GOP allowed Florida to move its primary ahead, and we all found out real quick what a complete boneheaded move that was. But we can fix that so that Jeb still has a chance in that state.”
Rove was in top form as he explained to the crowd how Gerrymandering works.
“What you do is slice a few key districts from Florida (meaning Republicans of course) and attach them to the adjoining states that haven’t held primaries yet, i.e. Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Louisiana, not to mention making Puerto Rico a Miami county. Then we throw Jeb in the race and see him take those states. By then, the momentum will have taken hold, and voila, another Bush in the White House--bye-bye Romney.”
Asked about the other candidates, especially Gingrich, Rove was on it. “We send him to Nevada and tell him they are having a party in his honor, ply him full of liquor and give him a few blonde bombshells to take his mind off politics for awhile and by April, he won’t even remember why he entered the race.”