Jumat, 10 Juli 2009

Living With a Control Freak

Do you live with a control freak? I’m not talking about someone who tries to control your life, per se. I’m talking literally about someone obsessed with controls. Controls for the air conditioner, car and home, ceiling fan speed, ambient lighting switch, sprinkler system. Anything with more than one speed or setting, and a knob, and this person has to continuously fiddle with the knob to control the speed, or change the channel, or make sure the lighting is just right.

I suppose if you live with a person like that long enough, you should become immune to their fiddling and constant changing, but you don’t and here’s why. First of all, you’re either too hot or too cold, but never just right. That’s because the fiddler is constantly making the temperature go up and/or down in an attempt to create the most perfect indoor living environment, which doesn’t exist—for the fiddler. They will go outdoors in stifling heat in the summer and then come inside to the igloo and pronounce how hot it is outside and how nice it feels indoors. Meanwhile, you’ve been sitting there with a sweater on for the past two hours thinking how cold it must be outside for it to be so cold inside, and you’d be wrong. It is 100 plus degrees out there where the fiddler fiddles with the garden hose nozzle.

That’s right, the exact amount of water must come through that nozzle for any given job. Spray the plants, need a lighter spray. Spray the lawn, need a spray that will reach the length of two football fields. Need a drink of water, go inside the igloo because fiddler won’t turn loose of the hose. By the time you do get to use the hose, you turn it on to find it doesn’t work. Why? Because fiddler has installed a very complicated dual-hose, dual source spigot with two hoses attached, and little levers on top of each spigot to open and close the valves, and whenever you pick up the yellow hose and turn on the valve for that one, you realize you just closed it, so you close the other valve and it still doesn’t work and then you pick up the green hose, because you aren’t really particular what color hose you get your drinking water out of and then realize that you didn’t push the right lever and you throw down both hoses in disgust and walk away. Along comes fiddler and asks, did you want something? And picks up the yellow hose, turns on the spigot and the water comes gushing through. You deem this a miracle, walk back inside the igloo, take your drink straight from the tap, pick up the remote, sit down on the adjustable lounger, and turn on the television, only to find that it’s been switched to DVD.

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