Koch Brothers Paying Gingrich to Run to Make Romney More Palatable

Seems these days no one wants to be in Newt Gingrich’s shoes and the only ones convinced that he should be our next President are himself and a handbag of Tea Party nutwings like Hermain Cain and Sarah Palin. Gingrich isn’t a stupid man, so it begs the question why does he continue to show up at rallies and declare himself the best man for the job?

Money. It always comes down to money. While it cannot be confirmed (in any real sense of the word in a meaningful way), some sources close to the Romney camp are saying things like “Let’s just say the money is on Mitt but the real money is on Gingrich.”  What?

Translation: The Koch Brothers are doing everything in their power to make their candidate, Mitt Romney look like the only option, including throwing money at the Gingrich campaign to keep Newt on the trail, spouting his ridiculous promises.

“The moon thing was my idea,” says David Koch. “I about laughed my ass off when I saw Newt up there telling America he was gonna put a colony on the moon if he was President.”

“He’s a smart man, but he’s so, so gullible,” chimed in Charles Koch. “I just love it when he tells folks how he’s responsible for keeping the Republican Party intact. That is just priceless,” said Charles. “Everyone knows it’s Koch money that is assuring the Republican Party’s success. Without us, the GOP would just be the same old boring song and dance, but when we jazzed it up with a little Tea Party dissent, it sparkled.”

Meanwhile, there are rumors in the Romney camp that Mitt is getting a bit anxious about actually becoming President. “I keep hearing rumors that being President means you actually have to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty occasionally,” said Mitt. “Wonder if it is too late to back out and just let Gingrich have the job.”

Koch Brothers Decide on Host for First Ever MSM Interview

When it comes to the Koch Brothers, you don’t ask them to do anything. Rather, they decide what it is they want to do and then they pull the strings to make it happen with little regard to whom it affects or whose wardrobe is soiled in the process.

In this case, David Koch decided one night after a little too much Courvoisier that it would be an absolute hoot to go on television, maybe even a mainstream media show, and give a short interview to give Americans a peek into who the Koch Brothers really are.

“Ooh, it would be great,” said David. “We could start off by telling everyone we are going to make the banks raise their service fees again, and that we are going to pull the leases on every building in NY that houses homeless shelters just before Christmas. And, while we’re at it,” he said, “we could announce to everyone that they can stop biting their nails over the elections, that we’ve already decided Herman Cain to be the next President of the United States…or Rick Perry,” he continued, “it doesn’t really matter.”

His brother Charles, who was sipping alongside him, actually agreed saying “Of course, what a brilliant idea. We could ruin Christmas for almost everyone in America this year. What a delightful way to spend the holidays.” With that, a plan was set in motion to find the perfect host.

The first name that popped up was, of course, Anderson Cooper. “Ooh, he’s absolutely dreamy,” the butlers heard David saying during an impromptu cognac tasting to choose the most expensive brand to celebrate Scott Walker staying on as Governor of Wisconsin for the remainder of his term.

While Anderson Cooper may be dreamy, he does have a tendency to go for the jugular and to not do what he’s told even when the commands are coming from two of the most powerful and influential men in American politics. Giggling, Charles Koch told David, “I’d give him a you-know-what (indicating with his tongue against his cheek), but never an interview.” David agreed what a pain in the ass Anderson Cooper could be and they both let out a little sigh at the thought.

Other names were floated about. Wolf Blitzer, too serious. Bill O’Reilly, too chummy. When Rachel Maddow’s name was thrown out there, David laughed so hard the cognac came squirting through his nose requiring a complete wardrobe change. “O dear Charles,” said David, “You are completely and utterly barking mad,” and then he threw out the name Jon Stewart, and they both laughed so hard they had to stop drinking for a few moments for fear of drowning in expensive snot.

“We’d be positively lynched,” said Charles growing hysterical again at the notion of undergoing such a hideous demise.

After collecting themselves and again becoming somewhat serious, Piers Morgan’s name came up. They both agreed on Morgan as being the best person to interview them. “Oh, he’s such a crawler,” said David (a word he uses to describe people who come to the Koch Brothers on their hands and knees for favors). “I would be surprised if we’d even have to pay him to do this.”

Word has it, Piers has been approached several times about this but so far hasn’t been able to give a yes or no response as he’s going through underwear like an octogenarian every time the mention of his interviewing the Koch Brothers comes up, not to mention the inability to keep his drool to a minimum.

No word yet on the date for the interview, but the Koch Brothers are hoping it doesn’t interfere with the Iowa Caucuses. “December 25^th would be a great day to hold the interviews, said David. “I don’t believe we’re doing anything special that day.”

Koch Brothers Trying to Infiltrate Occupy America Movement

Some members of Occupy Wall Street, the precursor for the Occupy America Movement have reported being approached by employees of the Koch Brothers and offered everything from vegan muffins to cold hard cash if they would turn the peaceful protests into shouting matches.

Sunshine Delaney, a 23-year old protester from Long Island claims that she was approached by a young, long-haired guy while she was taking a break from marching along Wall Street with her friend, Bobby McGee.

“Yeah, so this guy comes up to me, and he’s like, ‘want a vegan muffin?’ and I was like, ‘are you sure they’re vegan? And he’s like ‘yeah, I’m pretty sure they are, at least that’s what the guy at Whole Foods told me,’ and I was like ‘well, sure, I guess, thanks, man.’”

Delaney says the man then started asking her rhetorical questions like “wouldn’t it be weird if you found out that this whole movement was being fronted by George Soros?” and “do you really know who is organizing these events?” She claims she started to get really paranoid and asked several of her fellow occupiers these same questions.

Fortunately, one of the organizers of the event, Dave Barry, was able to put Delaney’s mind at ease when he talked her down from the bad vibes the guy was spreading.

“Look, Sunshine,” said Dave, “there’s been some bad shit going around this protest. Some guys are passing out fake vegan muffins, free tents and sleeping bags, even ten dollar bills in exchange for a little dissident talk. We’re pretty sure the Koch Brothers are behind it.”

Barry says he can’t prove it, of course, but he says all you have to do is look at how easily the Tea Party was bought and how quickly that movement turned totally establishment.

“We’re printing up warning pamphlets as we speak,” said Barry. “Anyone who offers you a wad of cash to change your views, well, no matter how much you need the bread man, tell ‘em to take a hike. This movement can’t be bought.”

Koch Brothers Running for President in 2012

The Koch brothers are tired of putting their money behind Republican and Tea Party candidates who they complain are not working fast enough to tear apart the very fabric of this country. They complain that there are still people holding on to that silly “American Dream,” and insist they must be stopped at all costs.

“You would think that after all the money we’ve sunk into abolishing  workers’ union rights in this country, getting the Supreme Court to allow millions of corporate dollars to buy our elected officials, and finally getting people to actually support ridding this country of all its major social programs such as Obamacare, Social Security and Medicare, not to mention total privatization of our schools, hospitals and retirement programs [see video at end of post], we’d have something to show for it,” said David Koch at a private function somewhere in the bowels of Virginia.

But the battle so far has been expensive and the Koch brothers feel that the people they’ve been backing just do not have the stomach to really “fight” for the rights of the rich and powerful by stomping on everyone who gets in their way, which is the hallmark of Koch brothers behavior.

“The problem with America is that the common people still think they have rights on everything from choice of job to sexual orientation, when, in fact, they shouldn’t have those rights; unless, of course, they are rich and powerful like the Koch Brothers,” claims Thurston Winstead, President of Americans for Prosperity, one of the Koch brothers’ better known anti-middle class/poor organizations.

The Koch brothers are tired of watching the people they have hired to run for President botch the selling of every single initiative they [the Koch Brothers] have concocted to silence the “troglodytes” of this country. No offense to Bachmann, Perry and Romney, but the Koch Brothers think those frontrunners just don’t have the stomach to really go after Obama aggressively enough.

It is for this reason, the brothers have decided to stop throwing good money after bad and just buy the office of President of the United States for themselves. All they need is a few more “bought” Supreme Court Justices and they can by-pass the electoral process altogether and just name themselves leaders of the free world (soon to be an oxymoron).

The biggest problem right now for the Koch brothers is deciding which one will be the President of the United States and which one will serve as Vice President. The eldest of the two, Charles Koch, claims that he’s willing to let his younger brother, David, take on the office of President as he, Charles, is just not that into openly pushing his agenda, but would prefer to do his work in the background, from the shadows, if you will.

Meanwhile, David, says he’s always detested the name ‘President and Vice-President’ and would prefer that when they finally take office, they change their titles to something more befitting men of their stature. Sources close to David say the brothers have bandied about such names as His Omnipotence and Supreme Second-in-Command, being much more descriptive of the role they would like to play in America’s future. What the brothers both absolutely agree on is keeping Hillary Rodham Clinton on as Secretary of State as she assumes the role of minion so nicely.

A close friend indicates that “with the Koch Brothers, their evil is pretty much distributed evenly, so just suffice it to say that if and when they do take the highest governmental position in the land, don’t be surprised if the first order of business will be to change the national emblem of America from the majestic bald eagle to the lowly common vulture.”

Republican Governors Not Abducted by Aliens after All

It was a scary 72 hours this weekend when Republican governors Rick Perry of Texas and Bob McDonnell of Virginia suddenly went missing. Both were reported missing by their staff but were told by police that nothing could be done unless they were reported missing by immediate family members.

Conspiracy theorists caught wind of the missing persons reports and immediately began rumors that the governors were abducted by aliens and/or raptured by God. “It was the craziest 72 hours of our lives, but eventually Mr. Perry showed back up on Tuesday morning bright and early, ready to work” said Perry’s top aide Dusty Trail, who turned his face upward toward the heavens and exclaimed “Thank you, Jesus,” a tear trickling down his cheek.

Asked if Perry was acting peculiar upon his reappearance, Trail said he didn’t notice anything way out of the ordinary except for wads of cash sticking out of the pockets of Perry’s new expensive suit. “All I know is, Mr. Perry left the office on Friday in a regular off-the-rack suit from Men’s Warehouse and when he came back Tuesday, he was wearing Armani and throwing twenties at the staff. He was flush with cash.

An almost similar incident played out in Virginia when Bob McDonnell arrived on time Tuesday morning to put in a full day’s work at the governor’s mansion.

The mystery was eventually solved when both governors got back to their offices and started unpacking their swag bags filled with expensive promotional items such as pen sets, coasters, stress relievers, and koozies emblazoned with the name “Koch Industries.”

To the relief of staff members and family, neither Perry nor McDonnell were actually abducted by aliens but, in fact, had secretly attended a lavish Koch Summit in Colorado to meet with some of the wealthiest conservative donors in America.

While, the men’s families were happy to see their loved ones home safe and sound, several of Perry’s family members were a bit disappointed that he’d not been raptured. “There’s no man in Texas more deserving of rapture than Rick Perry,” said his wife.