Rumors Surface Once More that Jeb Bush is Entering GOP Race

The Godfather of the GOP, Karl Rove, has hinted that he still has a few tricks up his sleeve to turn the GOP Presidential race back into a somewhat respectable spectacle. Speaking last night at a Rotary Club Dinner given in honor of George H. W. Bush, who Rove claims was one of the finest Presidents this side of Reagan, Rove gave very strong indications that he is about ready to pop with joy.

“Gentlemen,” Rove began, “light your cigars, sit back and let that big porterhouse steak digest, and just relax. Daddy’s gonna give you some very, very good news.”

The news, apparently, is that Rove and daddy Bush are at it again. This time, they are pushing Jeb Bush into the Presidential ring.

“We were going to wait this out and see if the boys [Romney and Gingrich] could play nice enough to get our base ignited again,” said Rove, “but we seriously underestimated their stupidity.”

Rove went on to say that the only way the GOP has a [expletive] chance of winning this [expletive] race is to get a God-[expletive] fella in there who can make nicey-nice with the Kochs, schmooz the female vote, and, of course, win Florida back from Romney.

When reminded that the Florida ship has already sailed—meaning the primary has already taken place, Rove replied, “Rules are made to be broken. In fact,” said Rove, “the GOP allowed Florida to move its primary ahead, and we all found out real quick what a complete boneheaded move that was. But we can fix that so that Jeb still has a chance in that state.”

Rove was in top form as he explained to the crowd how Gerrymandering works.

“What you do is slice a few key districts from Florida (meaning Republicans of course) and attach them to the adjoining states that haven’t held primaries yet, i.e. Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Louisiana, not to mention making Puerto Rico a Miami county. Then we throw Jeb in the race and see him take those states. By then, the momentum will have taken hold, and voila, another Bush in the White House--bye-bye Romney.”

Asked about the other candidates, especially Gingrich, Rove was on it. “We send him to Nevada and tell him they are having a party in his honor, ply him full of liquor and give him a few blonde bombshells to take his mind off politics for awhile and by April, he won’t even remember why he entered the race.”

Bush/Cheney 2012 – The Next Generation

Dick Cheney is said to be planning a not-so-surprise comeback for the 2012 presidential election and he’s doing it this time vicariously through his daughter, Liz Cheney. Due to his dissatisfaction with the way the conservative party has so far been running (or not running) things, Cheney has again decided that the only way to get things back on track is to re-infuse some pure Cheney/Bush blood into the race.

Although Dick feels that he and George W. Bush were perhaps the most ideally paired Presidential team since, well, ever, and there will never be another like them, which we certainly can’t argue with; and, as much as he would like to take the reins himself, he’s just not that sure about his health and that is ultimately what is keeping him from running.

Yes, the die-hard, irrepressible Mr. Cheney has a new plan of action that he’s working on worming into the Republican psyche little by little. We’re talking about the plan to offer up his daughter, Liz Cheney, to run as Vice President to Jeb Bush’s run for President. Can’t you just feel that Dick genius starting to move the masses again?

While Dick is trotting Liz Cheney out to every conservative gathering hosted by everyone from the NRA to the Republican Party itself, Daddy George H.W. Bush, at Dick’s command, is pushing Jeb onto the cable news shows with a full schedule of the old fake-out “no, nope, I’m not running,” so that when the time comes, conservatives everywhere will be begging him to run.

There may be a couple of things that could nip this pairing in the bud before it even happens, though. Word has it that Jeb and Liz aren’t that fond of one other ever since they got in each other’s face way back when at a Kennebunkport gathering, when Jeb, quite a bit older than Liz, told her to “quit following me around like a puppy dog.” “Since then, they find it difficult to be in the same room together, let alone even consider a presidential pairing,” claims an unidentified source.

So how, then, do Dick and H.W. plan on pulling off this shotgun presidential campaign? Some say Dick has his ways. “He’s not above torture, if that’s what it takes to make those kids see how important this is for the country,” said the same source, wishing with all his heart not to be identified.

While he may not sink so low as to waterboard his own daughter, which she would totally approve of, by the way, he could threaten her and Jeb by other means. Suffice it to say, he has the mindset and the wherewithal to get the job done.