Psychic Chrystal Ball Predicts 2012 as ‘A Mighty Ugly Year’

Ed. Note: It has come to my attention that after printing these predictions, some readers were confused as to the impossibility of a couple of the predictions coming true, necessitating further clarification.

#3 forgot to mention stock market crash mid-year

#5b forgot to mention that Texas Governor Rick Perry will become so enraged after learning he's not going to be POTUS that he took his state rogue

#8 was a flat out lie tucked neatly within the predictions to take advantage one last time of Charlie Sheen's fame before he finally fades into obscurity, which Chrystal Ball predicts that he will.

Hope this clears up the misconceptions.


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World famous Chrystal Ball, self-proclaimed Psychic to the Stars, is at it again, but this time, she’s taking on more than just the entertainment industry. Miss Ball predicts that 2012 is going to be a mighty ugly year, and she warns that folks better get used to ugly because it will pretty much affect every person on the planet.

In her preamble to her ten most important predictions, Chrystal Ball says that not only will 2012 top 2011 as the worst year in recorded history, it won’t even come to a complete end, in the sense that the end is coming before the end of 2012. Confused? Well read on…

1)      While blackbirds again will fall from the skies on New Year’s Day, the real surprise is that they will continue to fall throughout the year, causing great consternation among scientists who, because of the stress of trying to figure out the phenomenon, will become disoriented themselves and start walking into walls inexplicably, causing great injuries among some of the brightest minds in the world.

2)      There will be a shortage of great scientists. (See #1)

3)      Simon Cowell will lose his will to create new talent reality shows. As a result, he will end up penniless in a flat in Manchester, England strumming a second-hand guitar and weeping over photos of Scottish singing sensation, Susan Boyle.

4)      World-class surfers will die by the hundreds trying to surf the upcoming surge of tsunamis around the world. New technology will make predicting tsunamis as easy as predicting thunderstorms, thereby pinpointing ideal situations for waves as high as 30 meters in some cases. Super surfboards will come equipped with body straps to keep the surfers strapped to the board for the long ride into downtown areas as far inland as 70-100 miles.

5)       Ron Paul wins the GOP nomination and goes on to become the President of the United States. Paul attributes his political successes to all spectrums of the population saying that the liberals voted for him because he promised to end all wars and bring home all troops; the conservatives voted for him because as much as they disliked him, they disliked the alternatives more; and the centrists voted for him because as much as they say they want to pay taxes, the truth is, no one wants to pay taxes and Ron Paul said he wouldn’t make anyone pay taxes. That, and the fact that he chose Hulk Hogan as his running mate.

5a) The country falls into total disrepair due to the fact that no one is required to pay federal taxes any longer and the states just aren’t interested in mandating any new laws because it costs too much. Dallas, Texas becomes the nation’s capital and Ron Paul designates the set of Dallas as his new Presidential residence.

5b) Texas secedes from the Union leaving the United States without a leader.

6)      Cardboard becomes one of the hottest commodities on the market as more and more families are forced out of their homes and left to build makeshift homes out of the appliance boxes and packing crates of the rich. School janitor becomes the hottest job in America as Newt Gingrich’s suggestion that school children be forced to clean their own schools to pay for school books and supplies catches fire. The Labor Department lowers the working age to 8 to accommodate the new working class (literally).

7)       Piers Morgan is deported back to Surrey, England after being accused and found guilty of rigging major cricket matches for personal financial gain. Americans hold biggest party in the nation’s history.

8)      Charlie Sheen falls off the wagon three more times before joining the Hari Krishnas and turning celibate in the sense that he promised to only date one woman at a time.

9)      Major cities across America are bought by the Chinese. Won’s Won Ton Palace replaces McDonald’s as the hottest food franchise in the world.

10)   The Mayans get the date 12/21/12 wrong by one day throwing the entire world into chaos and Christians into apoplectic shock.

Beware of Fake Psychic Octopus Predictions Offered on eBay

The success of the German Octopus named Paul has spawned some fakes that internet users need to be aware of. There is only one real psychic octopus who resides in an aquarium in Oberhausen and his only claim to fame so far is picking World Cup winners by correctly going to the side of the aquarium with the winning flag, doing so with striking accuracy (pun intended).

Evidently, there are a few masterminds out there in cyber-land who believe that there is good money to be made off the idea of a psychic octopus. Some have opened up shop on eBay offering to have Paul the Psychic Octopus answer questions about fame, fortune, money and whatever else it is that gullible people will plunk down hard-earned cash for in order to know their fortunes. For $5, you can get Paul to give you the week’s lottery numbers in your town. For $10, Paul will tell you if your spouse is cheating on you, and for $40, you can get a private reading over the phone with Paul’s handler as the go between. One is not sure exactly how Paul communicates for the readings, but let’s face it, how does he even pick winning lottery numbers?

So far, Paul the Psychic Octopus, the real one, doesn’t have a clue his good name is being used to give out phony predictions but if he did, most say he’d turn beet red over it. The shysters who have come up with the plan to use Paul’s abilities to milk money out of the unsuspecting are said to move from town to town but are believed to be operating from someplace in Nigeria.

So be warned, if you receive an e-mail offering a free question answered by Paul the Psychic Octopus, you can be reasonably sure that the e-mail is a scam. Octopi are not computer literate.