Sesame Street Makes Top Ten List of Dangerous Places

Sesame Street is no longer the wholesome neighborhood street that children and their families flock to to enjoy an afternoon of counting and rhyming and learning some fun educational facts. It is becoming more and more a place where you don’t want to hang out. Some of the popular characters have either totally moved away to look for work in other big cities or have gone on the skids. Loveable Grover has been spotted many a time on the street’s main intersection bumming for change.

“I can’t count the times I’ve seen Bert coming out of a back alley with another male character in tow, reeking of sex,” said the Count. “He always was a smarmy character, but now he turns tricks just to pay for his huffing habit. It’s a disgrace.”

 The adult real-life characters who make up the other half of the cast of Sesame Street have all but given up on many of the muppet characters. Oscar the Grouch now guards his dumpsters from the many “divers” who come to Sesame Street hoping to get some groceries that the local supermarket has thrown away. “He’s packing,” said Big Bird, about Oscar. “There was a time when there was plenty for everyone and Oscar would even share once in awhile, but not anymore. You go diving for that pack of day-old doughnuts and you risk being shot. Just ask the Cookie Monster, who is on permanent disability after Oscar and he fought over a half-eaten package of Oreosm, and the Cookie Monster lost.”

Ernie, the on again, off again companion of Bert, seems to be the only constant in the neighborhood. He has a room up above the Diamond Stud Tavern and pretty much keeps to himself these days. “Oh, you smell the occasional wafting of cheap pot coming from his half-opened window, but he’s basically a shut-in,” said Sesame Street policeman, Mr. Cop. “We let him be. He’s been a good egg these last 30 years. If all he’s doing is smoking a doobie and watching Mr. Rogers re-runs, he’s the least of our worries.”