Grandma Foils Would-Be Carjacker with Bag of Doggie Doo

Cecelia (Cece) Hudson is being hailed as one tough grandma this morning after reports of an attempted carjacking of her precious 1994 Honda Accord met with dismal failure. Due to her quick thinking and a conveniently placed bag of fresh doggie doo on her front passenger seat, Hudson was able to debilitate the would-be robber until authorities arrived to arrest him for grand theft auto.

Hudson, from Flushing, Michigan, claims she had just finished taking her black lab, Chauncey, for a walk in Woof Woods Dog Park and realized she was late for her weekly hair appointment at Dayshawna’s Hair Salon.

“I weren’t near no trash bin and was running late, so I just told Chauncey to get in the car and threw the bag of fresh dog poo in the front seat beside him and took off.”

Hudson claims she got the dog home and jumped back in the car and was about a block away from home when she realized she hadn’t yet thrown away the offensive bag. She pulled to the curb beside a city dumpster and, with bag in hand, was just getting ready to toss it into the dumpster when out of nowhere a young man ran up to the car, strong-armed Hudson and tried to wrest control of the steering wheel.

Fresh bag of doo in hand, Hudson says she snapped the tie open and in one swift motion smashed the foul-smelling waste right smack in the middle of that robber’s face.

“Oh it were a sight to see alright,” said Cece. “He was rolling around on the ground and calling me every name in the book. People started gathering around, but not too close mind you, to see what all the commotion was. Meantime, I was on the phone with the Po-lice.”

Luckily for Hudson, a squad car was in close proximity of the attempted carjacking and arrived in time to take the man into custody. Once he was secured, they turned their attention on the little old lady sitting defensively behind the wheel of her prized automobile.

“He weren’t getting my baby, I can tell you that,” said a defiant Hudson,“ as she lovingly patted the dashboard of the car with her one clean hand.

“Can we get a statement from you ma’am?” asked the police officer.

“Why of course,” she answered. But first, would you happen to have a wet nap that I could wipe my hands on?”

As the officer stepped back to his patrol car, Cece followed him closely behind. He handed her the wet nap, and she took one last moment to peer through the cruiser’s window at the back seat. She purposefully wiped her hand clean as a whistle, leaned in a little closer and put up only one finger and said to the boy, “Sh*t happens,” then turned and walked back to the officer to give her side of the story.

Man Released from Jail after Erroneous Arrest for Internet Porn Post

Rufus Simpson of Pascagoula, Mississippi was released from jail early Saturday morning after spending the night locked up on charges of internet porn posting.

His accuser, Shirley Remquist of nearby Moss Point claims that she opened her Facebook page Friday evening to find that a post from Rufus had made it onto one of her friend’s pages which read “Darlene, honey, you knows I is the number one master baiter in yore life.”

Remquist immediately reported Simpson to the authorities demanding they arrest him in order to, in her words, “get a vile, despicable ole man offa the intanet fore he molests some young’n.”

While awaiting arraignment in jail, Simpson got to talking to the deputy in charge and explained that he owns a bait shop in Pascagoula and was just having a little fun with his wife after closing up the store for the night.

“Seems you cain’t even do a little spoonin’ with the wife on the intanet these days widdout some ole dried up prune thinking you’s a molestater,” said Simpson after being released from jail.

Sesame Street Makes Top Ten List of Dangerous Places

Sesame Street is no longer the wholesome neighborhood street that children and their families flock to to enjoy an afternoon of counting and rhyming and learning some fun educational facts. It is becoming more and more a place where you don’t want to hang out. Some of the popular characters have either totally moved away to look for work in other big cities or have gone on the skids. Loveable Grover has been spotted many a time on the street’s main intersection bumming for change.

“I can’t count the times I’ve seen Bert coming out of a back alley with another male character in tow, reeking of sex,” said the Count. “He always was a smarmy character, but now he turns tricks just to pay for his huffing habit. It’s a disgrace.”

 The adult real-life characters who make up the other half of the cast of Sesame Street have all but given up on many of the muppet characters. Oscar the Grouch now guards his dumpsters from the many “divers” who come to Sesame Street hoping to get some groceries that the local supermarket has thrown away. “He’s packing,” said Big Bird, about Oscar. “There was a time when there was plenty for everyone and Oscar would even share once in awhile, but not anymore. You go diving for that pack of day-old doughnuts and you risk being shot. Just ask the Cookie Monster, who is on permanent disability after Oscar and he fought over a half-eaten package of Oreosm, and the Cookie Monster lost.”

Ernie, the on again, off again companion of Bert, seems to be the only constant in the neighborhood. He has a room up above the Diamond Stud Tavern and pretty much keeps to himself these days. “Oh, you smell the occasional wafting of cheap pot coming from his half-opened window, but he’s basically a shut-in,” said Sesame Street policeman, Mr. Cop. “We let him be. He’s been a good egg these last 30 years. If all he’s doing is smoking a doobie and watching Mr. Rogers re-runs, he’s the least of our worries.”

Fake Head in Suitcase Gets Comedian Arrested

Police are still scratching their heads over an incident this past weekend that resulted in a woman being rushed to the emergency room and a comedian heading off to jail.

“It was a spur of the moment thing, really,” explained Shawn (not his real name). I was sitting there in the train depot, waiting for my train, with my suitcase by my side, when a portly woman comes and sits beside me and the suitcase. Unfortunately for me, she was a talkative one, and asks where I’m going, so I politely tell her uptown, and turn away. But she continued. She talked on, non-stop for about ten minutes and I finally had enough.”

Shawn lit a cigarette and continued, “I couldn’t allow this woman one more word, or I felt I could strangle her, and then I remembered the fake severed head in my suitcase—I used it in my shows. It’s real as real can get. Anyway, I acted like I’d forgotten where I’d put my train ticket, checking all my pockets and finding nothing, when I then said to her ‘sheesh, I’d forget my head if it wasn’t fastened on’ and then I opened the suitcase.”

The woman’s name is being withheld until her family can be notified. Meanwhile, Shawn sits in jail awaiting arraignment for unintentional assault.

Detroit to be Bulldozed and Re-Built as World’s Largest

Detroit, MI – In what was hailed as an extreme but necessary move by the Mayor of Detroit, work has begun in planning the total destruction and re-building of Detroit, this time as a shopping mall, not a city. All 143 square miles of the city will be leveled and work will begin early this fall on the mall, tentatively named the “Motown Mega Mall.”

“We are really excited to finally have a solid future mapped out for our great city,” exclaimed Mayor Dave Bing. “For years we’ve been floundering and the troubles of the city have taken it over. I was elated when a group of businessmen from Goldman Sachs approached us and offered to buy the entire city for almost a quarter what it was worth. It was a great deal.”

When asked what will happen to the million or so hold-out residents who still call Detroit home, a Goldman Sachs spokesperson had this to say, “Oh, we’re just buying the inner city, not the entire Detroit metro area. Those living in the area to be razed will either need to move to outlying areas and stick it out until the thousands of minimum-wage mall jobs become available, or move onto other troubled cities like Chicago and NY, I guess.”

Said the mastermind behind the mall, Dave Munny, founder of I. Gotz Munny, “We have big plans for saving Motown. Unfortunately, or fortunately, however way you look at it, we can’t be everything to everyone. Honestly, when these folks see there are real stores like Abercrombie & Fitch and Macy’s and Saks selling real expensive and nice stuff on the very soil where they once barely made a life for themselves, I think they’ll honestly thank us for making the city lighter and brighter. I also think that if they eventually find jobs, they’ll be able to come home to shop. That is our biggest hope--that folks will come back to Detroit in droves—to shop.”

Plans for the Motown Mega Mall include a 45 square mile new car auto mall adjacent to the shopping mall where all makes and models of GM and Ford cars will be sold. Said Munny, “we thought it appropriate to have a car lot on the site as a reminder to the great citizens of Detroit of what this city once stood for. It’s the least we could do.”