Minggu, 28 November 2010

Laughs Harder to Come By with Passing of Actor Leslie Nielsen

Comedic Canadian actor Leslie Nielsen passed away late Sunday afternoon due to complications from pneumonia. He was 84.

This was a man who made comedy acting look effortless. His pratfalls appeared equally effortless. Perhaps they were, as they were most likely performed by stunt doubles. But the point is, Leslie Nielsen made us all laugh with his very own unique sense of humor. Not just the ha ha kind of “oh isn’t that funny?” kind of humor, but the really deep down “Holy crap I think I just peed myself” humor.

In fact, once word reached the world of Nielsen’s passing, it is supposed that there were hundreds of thousands of fans who went directly to YouTube searching for clips of his most famous lines just to self-inflict the pain that comes from laughing too hard for too long. All gluttons for punishment in a very good way, but sadly, in a very sad way because, as it was said before, Nielsen has passed.

At any point, if you are at all a fan of laughing, you will most likely want to pay tribute to one of the funniest actors to have graced the big screen. Surely, he’ll be missed. Just don’t call him Shirley.

Jumat, 26 November 2010

War between Barbara Bush and Sarah Palin Heats Up

It is becoming increasingly clear that the established Republicans don’t have much love for Ms. Sarah Palin. And it is also becoming crystal clear that Sarah Palin couldn’t give a rat’s ass if they do or not. In fact, she is going out of her way, it seems, to get them good and riled up.

Just recently, Barbara Bush commented to Larry King that Sarah Palin loves Alaska and then added that she should stay there. Upon hearing this, Palin chose to fight back against what she perceives as ‘blue bloods against the red bloods turning the whole right into a purple haze.’

Not one to back down, Barbara Bush, being interviewed in a follow up by Katie Couric, retaliated with “You can tell that uppity Miss Sarah that she’s nothing but an Alaskan Hussie,” as she showed off that characteristic smug smile the Bush family is so famous for.

The most recent barb (no pun intended) by Palin against the elderly Mrs. Bush came on the Fox News show when Sarah referred to the ex-first lady as a dried up old prune and intimated that there must be some kind of Alzheimer’s event going on in the Bush household for Barbara not to remember that it was her husband’s political machine that threw her (Palin) into the national spotlight in the first place. “They’re all just a bunch of Indian givers,” claims Palin.

From the looks of it, this fight is far from over. While Palin has the youth and stamina to go the distance with Granny Bush, Barb is no slouch. In fact, rumors are flying that Barbara Bush has recently hired a private fitness coach who just happens to write top ten lists for the David Letterman Show. As they say in the Olympics, ‘let the games begin.

Kamis, 18 November 2010

Black Friday Specials to Include Cheap Grocery Items

Women, Infants and Children (WIC) take heart. This year, Black Friday specials offered by stores such as Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, Sam’s Club and others aren’t all about the X-Box. They are all about survival. Instead of offering Wii’s for less than $100 and gaming equipment for a third of its original cost, these stores are offering milk at half price, cheese below the manufacturer’s cost, and cereal for next to nothing.

Gone are the days of the $200 laptop computer and Call of Duty Black Ops being offered for less than $30. The majority of Americans are out of work and now, since their unemployment benefits have expired, are left with little to spend on expensive electronics. The big retailers know this and know that the most popular gift item this season is the gift of life. Hunger is going to be a big problem, but not if most heads of household shop during one of the many Black Friday events taking place between now and Christmas.

While the term “Black Friday” has taken on almost a literal meaning, it doesn’t have to be as bleak as everyone is making it out to be. Those who simply can’t afford gifts can still use their saved up food stamps to buy some darn good Christmas gifts for their families.

So what if your teenage daughter doesn’t get the i-Phone 4 she’s been jonesing for. She will be pleased as punch to get a box of macaroni and cheese and a tin of tuna after having gone a day or two without dinner. And for your son, who just this once wanted a brand new football so he could play catch with his dad, he’ll understand when instead, he gets a 12-pack of Ramen noodles and a half-gallon of milk. Heck, the specials are so special this year, you may even be able to afford to give him chocolate milk for an extra special treat.

Yes, Black Friday used to be about running up high credit card balances and giving your kids what they want. Now, since all credit has virtually dried up and the banks are either closed or hanging out their Scrooge shingles, you can still give your kids a Christmas to remember--the gift of survival, thanks to all those caring retailers out there who understand just exactly what are the hottest selling items on the market this season.

Rabu, 17 November 2010

Irish in Feverish Hunt for Leprechauns to Save Economy

DUBLIN, Ireland - In the wake of some of the worst economic news to hit Ireland for decades, record numbers of Irish people are laying traps hoping to catch the elusive leprechauns and make them hand over the gold in their possession. Some claim that the stores of gold held captive by the country’s leprechauns is enough to not only bring Ireland out of the financial mess but to make it the richest country in the world.

Bounties have been placed on the heads of leprechauns as countrymen keep their eyes trained on the skies for any sign of a rainbow. Weather forecasters claim the time for rainbows has pretty much gone the way of the winter weather, but that hasn’t stopped most from hoping for one or two more late fall thunderstorms.

Many wonder why the thought of putting out traps and bounties for leprechauns wasn’t a part of the country’s economic plan before things got so dire. Folklorists claim that only the most desperate man will actually try and catch a leprechaun due to the fact that the little fellas are notorious for the mean-spirited jokes they play on anyone who comes close enough to them. But these are unusually rough economic times and desperate times call for desperate measures.

In addition to placing bounties on the heads of leprechauns, many Irish farmers are planning on planting an over-abundance of clover this coming spring in hopes of upping the chances of finding enough four-leaf clovers to turn the luck of the Irish around. “It’s all we got so far, said Brian Lenihan, Irish Finance Minister. “We never thought we’d have to go to the lengths of having money thrown at us by other countries so we never really had a back-up plan. But anything’s better than being beholden to the Germans.”

He continued, “We’re pretty sure the leprechauns, when they see how desperate we are, will bring their pots of gold to us. At least, that’s what any loyal countryman would do, be he 6 ft. tall or the size of a large mushroom.”

Selasa, 09 November 2010

Brazil to Place 42-foot Mitre Atop Christ the Redeemer Statue

News of the new Christ the King statue being erected in Swiebodzin, Poland that will be the tallest Christ statue in the world has Brazilians a bit ticked off. Brazil’s Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro has been regarded as one of the two tallest and most spectacular Christ statues in the world until now (Cristo de la Concordia statue in Bolivia is a tad taller). In fact, Christ the Redeemer is listed as one of the New Seven Wonders of the World.

What to do? What to do? Brazil legislators as well as Catholic Church leaders have been meeting and have decided that the only way to save Brazil’s statue from being removed from the Seven Wonders List is to modify the Christ the Redeemer statue to make it taller than the one built in Poland. While a crown of thorns had been considered as the most acceptable form of headwear for the statue, making it 40 feet high would make it seem disproportionately large when compared to the rest of the body.

The solution is to place a 42-foot tall gold-plated Mitre (pope’s hat) atop the statue. Said one church leader “If the Polish people can place a gold crown atop the good Lord’s head, then why not a gold mitre?” In a country that is approximately 75% Catholic, it makes perfect sense.

Just as the statue itself was primarily paid for by donations from churchgoers, the legislators are asking again for help in paying for the golden Mitre which is expected to cost upwards of $R65 million reais (roughly $38 million U.S. dollars and change). Casting of the crown is expected to begin in early December.

Upon hearing of the changes Brazil is making to their statue, town leaders in Swiebodzin are said to already be planning yet other changes to the Christ the King statue by possibly adding a halo above the crown, which would effectively make the statue another 30 feet taller. Said one Polish leader, “All we can say to our Brazilian brethren is ‘bring it on.’ We are prepared to build onto our statue until it reaches all the way to the heavens if necessary to hold onto the ‘tallest Christ statue in the world’ title.”

Senin, 08 November 2010

Tea Party Chooses Rooster as its Animal Symbol

With the Tea Party gaining momentum after the latest mid-term elections, leaders of the up and comers decided it was time to start looking and acting like a bona fide third party by choosing an animal symbol their followers could relate to in the upcoming 2012 elections. The Democrats use the donkey as their symbol. The Republicans use an elephant. And now the Tea Party will be using the rooster.

Last month, the Tea Party sent out a poll to their followers to choose an animal symbol that best represented what they stood for. Among the choices were a bear, a badger, a tiger, and a bulldog. A special box for write-ins was also provided.

This past week, leaders of the party gathered the responses to the poll and were surprised at the overwhelming choice of a write-in animal. A rooster. While the bear ran a good race, supposedly due to Sarah Palin’s ‘mamma grizzly’ rhetoric, and the badger, because of his notable perseverance, ran a close third, the tiger and bulldog didn’t fare as well. Additional comments showed poll participants were smart enough to realize that the tiger isn’t a domestic animal and the bulldog was eliminated altogether because it was the English variety and not a common red-nosed pit bull.

The rooster response was quite a surprise. Some Libertarians weren’t even sure if a rooster was an animal. They claim it is more like a bird. They wondered if a bird was noble enough to represent their party. However, after realizing the symbol of the United States is a bald eagle, they put two and two together and determined that a rooster was just as much a bird as an eagle regardless of whether or not it was an animal and left it at that.

The party leaders aren’t exactly sure why the rooster got so many votes, but several theories emerged. For one, a rooster is considered one of the cockiest animals (or birds depending on whom you ask) alive. And no one can argue that the Tea Party candidates, especially Rand Paul, are considered quite cocky. But the leaders believe it was more than a cockiness trait that got the rooster nominated. They say it was probably due to the popularity of cock fighting, especially in the southern states, to settle scores. Most Libertarians regard a rooster as one of the bravest animals on the planet that will fight for a cause to the death whether they do it willingly or not.

“When you put it in that context,” said Cogburn Leghorn, Tea Party leader from Arkansas, “we couldn’t have picked a better symbol for our party. Not only are we stubborn, but we sure as hell like a good fight.”

Asked if a rooster was nothing more than a male chicken, and most people associate chickens with chicken-like behavior, Leghorn had this to say, “That’s just plum nuts. Now go away, boy, you’re a botherin’ me.”

Jumat, 05 November 2010

Orange Man Boehner Delights Chinese Business Leaders, Disappoints Constituents

The Chinese, long associated with being the yellow race, have found a friend in a man whose face color reminds them of their grandfathers when they get very angry—orange. There is an old saying in China that goes something like “when my yellow grandfather gets a red face, he is an orange ogre.”

Businessmen from all over China have begun telling this ancient tale again after meeting and speaking with John Boehner, who, for all intents and purposes, has become the number one link between China and the United States Chamber of Commerce. A real Manchurian Candidate if you will.

Why are the Chinese so enamored with the orange man from Ohio? Clearly it is because he has promised to continue to allow almost every disposable piece of junk that Americans consume in this country to be made by overseas workers, overseas workers who have been so generously endowed with the jobs that Americans claim are being taken away from them.

Not only do the Chinese love and revere Boehner, but so do the American businessmen who are banking on the large tax cuts Boehner has planned for them if they take advantage of outsourcing even more jobs overseas. Nicknamed “Orange Aid,” Boehner plans on making it quite clear that the only way for large American businesses to thrive in today’s economic hard times is to be able to cut corners and the only way to do that is to pay foreign workers pennies on the dollar.

Asked what he tells his constituents who are out of work in his hometown district in southwestern Ohio, Boehner tells it like it is. “Stop your whining. If we made things here, they would cost you an arm and a leg. Be thankful there are countries who provide cheap labor so you can buy a Mr. Coffee for under ten bucks.”