Koch Brothers Paying Gingrich to Run to Make Romney More Palatable

Seems these days no one wants to be in Newt Gingrich’s shoes and the only ones convinced that he should be our next President are himself and a handbag of Tea Party nutwings like Hermain Cain and Sarah Palin. Gingrich isn’t a stupid man, so it begs the question why does he continue to show up at rallies and declare himself the best man for the job?

Money. It always comes down to money. While it cannot be confirmed (in any real sense of the word in a meaningful way), some sources close to the Romney camp are saying things like “Let’s just say the money is on Mitt but the real money is on Gingrich.”  What?

Translation: The Koch Brothers are doing everything in their power to make their candidate, Mitt Romney look like the only option, including throwing money at the Gingrich campaign to keep Newt on the trail, spouting his ridiculous promises.

“The moon thing was my idea,” says David Koch. “I about laughed my ass off when I saw Newt up there telling America he was gonna put a colony on the moon if he was President.”

“He’s a smart man, but he’s so, so gullible,” chimed in Charles Koch. “I just love it when he tells folks how he’s responsible for keeping the Republican Party intact. That is just priceless,” said Charles. “Everyone knows it’s Koch money that is assuring the Republican Party’s success. Without us, the GOP would just be the same old boring song and dance, but when we jazzed it up with a little Tea Party dissent, it sparkled.”

Meanwhile, there are rumors in the Romney camp that Mitt is getting a bit anxious about actually becoming President. “I keep hearing rumors that being President means you actually have to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty occasionally,” said Mitt. “Wonder if it is too late to back out and just let Gingrich have the job.”

Sarah Palin Jumps into Race to Save GOP

Today Sarah Palin is a hero to all the folks who have lost interest in their beloved GOP. She announced at a local Joplin, MO diner that she was indeed going to join in the race to become the GOP’s presidential nominee.

“We’d lost all hope,” said John Franklin, husband of Hope Franklin, no relation to the word hope in this sentence. “From Herman Cain, to Rick Perry to the present day sweetheart, Newt Gingrich, we Tea Party members have not yet felt any connection to a candidate like we did Sarah Palin. With Sarah back in the race, we are going to win all the way to the white house,” said Franklin.

Cheers went up when Sarah entered the Sweets n’ Eats Diner on the outskirts of Joplin, famous for its fresh strawberry pie. “I just love fresh strawberry pie,” said Sarah as she and husband Todd took a stool and sat through a meal of meat loaf and mashed taters, finishing off with a slice of the famous pie, albeit made with frozen strawberries as strawberry season is over.

Palin then told the crowd that no matter if something is served in season or out of season, “as long as you are famous for it, you have to serve it up,” and that is what she is doing by jumping back into the race. Palin also said she was tired of watching a bunch of amateurs vie for votes that she knows she could easily get just by showing up in Iowa. “I’m like that slice of strawberry pie.” said Palin, “You know you shouldn’t but you just can’t resist.”

Upon hearing the news, Historian Newt Gingrich commented, “She can’t do that can she?”

Sarah Palin Denies Having the Hots for Jesus as a Teen

John the Baptist(Poster Hanging On Sarah Palin's Wall
as a Teen)

In his newly released book Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs, Levi Johnston doesn’t pull any punches. Johnston paints an even uglier picture of the woman that would someday be President of the United States than writer Joe McGinnis in his book The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin.

Palin has come out swinging on both guys as she hotly contests the contents of each book, calling both authors flat-out liars.

Zeroing in on Johnston, Palin categorically denied she had the hots for Jesus as a teen. Appearing at a recent fundraiser held by the Christian Crusaders Coalition of Cackleberry, South Carolina, Palin remarked on this particular claim.

“Sure, like all my Christian girlfriends, I thought he was pretty cute,” she said of Jesus, “and I have to say that John the Baptist was ruggedly handsome in an Alaskan wilderness sort of way. But saying I had a crush on Jesus, well, that’s just going a bit far.” Palin did admit, however, that instead of hanging the usual pop idol posters in her bedroom during her teen years, her walls were plastered with photos of Jesus and John the Baptist.

“Oh goodness no, it wasn’t because they had long hair and beards and looked like Kenny Loggins,” said Palin. “They were just good saintly men who just happened to have a heapin’ helpin’ of handsomeness.”

Palin did claim that she tried like heck to get her husband, Todd, to grow his hair long when they started dating. “It was a no go,” she said. “I had to settle for Todd looking more like Robert Goulet than Jesus.”

Top Reason Republicans are Secretly Afraid of Sarah Palin

A new book out by Joe McGinnis entitled The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin has everyone from Wasilla to Washington abuzz over the woman who would have everyone think she is most likely the best person in the world to run the United States. But the buzz is not good. Evidently, the book points out very clearly that those closest to Palin are the ones who hate her the most.

According to those Alaskans who know her best, getting Sarah mad is not a smart thing to do. Seems just about every Republican who has come in contact with her knows this, swears she can’t be trusted, and seems to be doing everything in their power to see that she doesn’t run for, or get elected to, the office of President of the United States.

Why? Simple. “She is the epitome of a high school sophomore bitch,” claims one high-ranking Republican who wished to remain anonymous. “Sarah Palin can spread false lies and rumors faster than anyone I’ve ever known and that makes us fellow Republicans very, very nervous.” In fact, those that know her say she puts MCGinnis to shame when it comes to spreading lies and innuendo.

A source close to Palin confirms this tidbit about ‘Sarah the Barracuda.’ “While all of the other Republican candidates are busy boning up on things like American history, current events, even learning how to pronounce unpronounceable names of world leaders, Sarah is doing her homework too, albeit on much different subjects.”

According to the unidentified source, Sarah Palin takes the term ‘boning up’ to a whole new level. “Sarah is rooting around in her opponents’ closets to find skeletons that she can use against them. To her, it’s so much easier to destroy an opponent’s reputation than to have to compete with them intellectually.”

This is exactly what Sarah Palin did when she held public office in Alaska. She destroyed her opponents by filing complaints against them and publicly challenging some of the most loved and respected Republicans in Alaska [see Ted Stevens]. This type of political back-stabbing has put Republicans on high alert and has many working around the clock to scrub any of their own personal records that might remotely hint at impropriety.

While Rick Perry claims he could care less about “some little missy from Wasissy” as he put it, rumor is that Palin is hot on his tail. Palin was recently caught wondering out loud “Don’tcha think that Rick Perry is handsome?” she was overheard saying. “I can’t help but wonder with someone that good lookin’ he must have at least one or two mistresses out there who would just love to tell their side of the story.”

Newt Gingrich Challenges Michele Bachmann to Mud Wrestling Match

Just hours after Michele Bachmann told a supporter that the media would love to see a mud wrestling match between her and Sarah Palin, Bachmann’s phone began ringing off the hook.

But it wasn’t supporters congratulating her on her hard stand telling liberals they weren’t gonna get their wish. Surprisingly, it was Newt Gingrich calling to see if there were a chance Michele would wrestle him instead.

Insiders claim that as soon as Gingrich saw news reports of Bachmann telling folks she wasn’t going to mud wrestle Sarah Palin, he was visibly upset. But, they say, the more he thought about it, the more he realized this might be a golden opportunity for him to get into that act.

“Newt’s always said that the thing he loves best about politics is the fact that you can get down and dirty with your opponents,” said Ham String, Newt’s closest adviser. “I could see the light bulb going off over Newt’s head when he realized that there was a possibility of a mud wrestling match between himself and Michele Bachmann.”

Of course, Bachmann’s camp claims not only is Michele not considering a mud wrestling match with any of her opponents, but in regards to Newt Gingrich in particular, she already has a plan in place to get a restraining order against him should he show up at her home with bags of dirt, a hose and a diamond tennis bracelet.

Palin Getting Passed Around Like ‘Moonshine at a Hoedown’

Fur started to fly Monday afternoon just hours after Michele Bachmann publicly announced that Sarah Palin would be her top choice for VP in the 2012 presidential elections. This announcement came on the heels of her expected announcement to officially seek the GOP nomination for President in 2012.

When a reporter asked her, “Do you have any clue whom you might want to run alongside you if you do get the GOP nod?” Bachmann didn’t hesitate.

“Oh, that’s an easy one,” she said smiling. “I want Sarah Palin to be my Vice President.” When asked why, Bachmann answered “Well, for one thing, she’s experienced in that area, you know, been there, done that, not to mention the fact that she looks incredible in that red leather jacket.”

Asked if Bachmann thought Palin was better prepared to be VP this time around, she replied, “Don’t really care. If you remember back in 2008, it didn’t matter much when she was running with John [McCain], so I’m not really worried. I think I can carry the ticket for the both of us.”

News spread fast and just a half hour later, Sarah Palin appeared at her own press conference in Iowa with some choice words for Bachmann. “Michele Bachmann is out of her freakin’ mind,” adding, “Well, not totally out of her mind, I guess. She did choose me. But thanks, no thanks Michele. I got better things to do with my time.”

Word travels fast, and almost as soon as she announced her choice for VP, Bachmann recanted her offer. “What an ungrateful b-word. I made a mistake. Palin is so off my presidential ticket.”

Meanwhile, 4 out of the 7 GOP hopefuls have already sent letters to Palin asking if she would consider running as their vice president. Tim Pawlenty allegedly told Bachmann, “Look Michele, if you don’t want her, I’ll take her.”

All this back and forth adds to the rumors that Palin is being passed around between serious Republican candidates like moonshine at a hoe down. This leads to even more rumors that this time around, no one is taking Sarah Palin seriously as a presidential candidate, including Palin herself as she's been quoted more than once saying “I’ve got better things to do with my time.”

Can Newt Gingrich Stay Out of Trouble with Bachmann and Palin in GOP Race

In order for Newt Gingrich to be able to compete in a widening field of candidates for the GOP Presidential nomination, he’s had to come clean about his past womanizing. While no one is really buying his excuse that his passion for his country led him to act inappropriately at times, that very passion may just be his downfall again if Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin continue their individual quests for the same nomination.

It’s cost Newt a half million in jewelry so far to keep his wife Callista happy. Image how much more it’s gonna cost if he spends too much time on the campaign trail bumping into those two conservative sirens. Many are asking if he’ll be able to tame his passion in view of the fact that both women are reasonably attractive and both claim to be extremely patriotic themselves. The temptation may prove to be too much for Newt.

Actually, during Monday’s GOP debate where several close ups caught Gingrich appearing just a little too happy to be situated next to Michele Bachmann, bets were already on that he’s looking to extend his line of credit at Tiffany’s.

Ann Coulter Hides Huge Secret on Piers Morgan Tonight

Ann Coulter appeared on Piers Morgan Tonight last night and, while she was her usual abrasive self when it came to all things political, she would not give an inch when Piers tried to pry some personal information out of her.

An impromptu survey after the show was sent to 300 viewers who were asked their opinion of why Ann Coulter was so coy when it came to her personal life. It was surprising to find out that 57% of those polled believed it was because Coulter doesn’t want anyone to find out about a gay lover.

“She’s been engaged several times to men, but each time it has ended badly,” said Paula Polochnikova, head of the ‘Ann Coulter Watchdog Group’ based in Roanoke, Virginia. “Her behavior toward men is appalling, but watch her expression whenever someone mentions Sarah Palin. She lights up like a Christmas tree.” Polochnikova claims that the only reason Coulter bashes Palin once in awhile is to throw the mainstream media off her trail.

“Oh yeah, she’s gay alright,” said Sylvia Shemano. “Every time I see that woman on television, my gaydar goes off like a Geiger counter. That voice alone screams lesbian.” Shemano claims she has also heard the rumor about Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter and doesn’t find it that far-fetched.

Another respondent says that he has also heard those rumors but doubts that Sarah Palin would go for someone like Coulter. “While I am certain that Ann Coulter is living a secret gay lifestyle,” said Germano Honduras, “I don’t believe it has anything to do with Sarah Palin.”

Germano is convinced that Ann Coulter was once Andrew Coulter,” following a conspiracy theory that has been making the rounds for at least a decade or more.

Since Coulter won’t respond to any questions about her personal life, it is safe to assume that she doesn’t care one way or the other if people think she is gay, obsessed with Sarah Palin, or is secretly dating Selma Hayek, which is puzzling when Coulter takes every opportunity she can get to bash the very people she’s hiding in her closet.

As Polochnikova says, “She’s just trying to throw off the scent.”

Sarah Palin Has ‘Todd’ Tattoo Removed

Where 'Todd' Used to Be

In yet another breaking story from an undisclosed source that the Palins are divorcing, a supposed cosmetic surgeon in Phoenix has neither confirmed nor denied that she performed a tattoo removal for Sarah Palin. But sources close to the sometimes on again, sometimes off again presidential candidate confirm that indeed, the ‘Todd’ tattoo Sarah got in college has been removed.

“This is just one more indication that the Palins are headed for Splitsville,” said Carrie Cassowary, the undisclosed source mentioned above, whom no one is certain even writes for the Globe.

Cassowary goes on to state that the tattoo ‘1^st Dude’ on Sarah’s upper right shoulder blade is staying. “It’s generic enough that it doesn’t require removal and may just come in handy come November 2012.” 

Sarah Palin Totally Baffled on New England History Tour

As Sarah Palin wound down her One Nation tour of New England, one thing was abundantly clear to all who came in contact with her. She needed a lesson or two in the history department.

From the Liberty Bell to the Statue of Liberty, Sarah Palin uttered the same phrase over and over again—“I did not know that,” leaving some to wonder if this trip she was taking was a way to get her up to speed on American History in case she does make up her mind to run for President.

In addition to “I did not know that,” she was also overheard saying things like “get outta here” and “you’re joking right?” and the overall consensus was that she mostly just did not know a lot of stuff. For instance, when told that the Battle of the Little Bighorn was not fought in Massachusetts, she uttered an audible “You’re just messing with me now, right?”

There were also reports that Sarah Palin kept her 10-year old daughter, Piper, close at hand to help fill in the gaps when someone more knowledgeable was not convenient. At one point, Piper was caught on camera giving mom a quick lesson in government telling her, “No, mama, Abraham Lincoln did not sign the Declaration of Independence.”

With Fox footing the tab for the “family vacation,” Sarah Palin has proven once again that it’s not what you know but who you know. She may not know Diddly, but she sure can tell you whose face is on the $100 bill. “It’s that kite guy, right?”

Kate Gosselin Prefers Camping Down Under to Palin’s Alaska

It took mere seconds into the filming of a camping trip in Australia for Kate Gosselin of Kate Plus 8 to make it quite clear that the outdoors she and the kiddies experienced in Australia was far superior and way more enjoyable than that introduced to them in Alaska as guests of Sarah Palin.

“Finally,” said Gosselin after climbing out of her spacious tent in the Outback, “I can show the world that I’m not a sniveling, whining princess who can’t survive in the wilderness.” The fact that she had her own toilet tent, something other than leaves to wipe herself, and her own personal entourage of make-up artists and hair stylists tagging along, didn’t hurt. Not to mention, the only bears she needed to fear in this environment were cuddly koalas.

What Gosselin didn’t bring up was the fact that when told she’d be going on another camping trip with the kids, she threw a royal fit and threatened to quit the show, something she does quite regularly no matter the destination, save perhaps Hawaii. This time though, she claimed it was justified. “You ever sat around a campfire chewing on masticated whale blubber and having to act all friendly like with a woman whose voice makes you want to throw yourself off an ice floe?”

However, as always, she was reminded that the show pays for her lifestyle, and with that, she begrudgingly picked up her Gucci backpack and stomped toward the limo waiting to whisk her and her offspring to the outback in style, stopping only once to get in a quick tanning session in anticipation of making it to the beach after a few days of roughing it.

Reporters caught up with Sarah Palin to ask her what she thought about Kate’s adventures camping in Australia. “Sure, who wouldn’t love 80 degree sunny weather with hunky outback guys carrying your 18-piece Gucci luggage all over the place for you?” then said, “Now excuse me. I have work to do. This bear isn’t gonna skin itself.”

Rupert Murdoch Warns Sarah Palin and Roger Ailes to Play Nice

Rupert Murdoch is the first to admit that he hires strong personalities, and it is sometimes hard to reel them in. When they are good, they are very, very good, but when they are bad they are horrid. That is exactly what is happening in the case of Roger Ailes and Sarah Palin.

Lately, Murdoch has spent more time writing e-mails to the two telling them to play nice than he’d like to. In fact, he’s said more than once that if he could get away with it, he’d treat both of them just like his own kids. “Ailes would get a size 10 up his arse and I’d put Sarah across my knee.”

The latest row just doesn’t seem to want to go away. Sarah Palin was told by Ailes to lay low after the Tuscon shootings, but Palin didn’t heed his warning. Instead, some say she was testing Ailes when she went ahead with her “blood libel” video, which, by the way, no one really got anyway, including Palin.

“Oh, I could have stayed in Alaska for a week or two until the darned Tuscon thingie blew over,” said Palin, “but I just love getting under Roger’s skin. He’s just so easy to tease. Heck, they explained blood libel to me a couple times and I still didn’t get it, but it sure sounded like something that would rile a few folks up and keep me in the spotlight, so I said, ‘what the heck? Let’s do it!’”

Meanwhile, Roger Ailes is said to have come very close to firing Palin after that video. “We’ve put up with her inability to comprehend basic geography, but now she’s showing just how uneducated she is in all subjects, including history and, what should be her best subject, politics,” says Ailes.

“Every time I tell Rupert that she’s just doing these things to make me look stupid, he tells me to shut up and pay her. If I didn’t make so much money now, I’d blow this popsicle stand and go to work for NPR.” Then he added, “Nah, never in a million years. I hear they have to beg for their checks every week. That would suck.”

Meanwhile, rumors have it that Palin is working on her next video to get Ailes riled up. Something about how monkeys could run Fox News. Can’t wait to see that video.

Sarah Palin Seeks Charity to Pay for Kids’ Braces

Sarah Palin recently went on Fox News and publicly admitted that she could use some help in paying for her kids’ dental expenses. “Do you even know how much a set of braces costs these days?” asked Palin as she made her case for asking folks who impersonate her to help shoulder some of the financial burden of raising kids in today’s economy.

Palin was referring to Julianne Moore, in particular, who is slated to play Palin in the upcoming movie “Game Change.” “If I have to grit my teeth any harder on this one, I’m gonna need to see a dentist myself,” quipped Palin, as she explained that she is tired of impersonators making money off her and not seeing a dime of the profits. “If I got a dime for every Sarah or Bristol Palin joke Kathy Griffin told, I’d be a millionaire,” she said.

Sarah Palin claims that it has been hard to get health and dental insurance ever since she quit her job as governor of Alaska. “Jeez, Louise. When I was governor,” said Palin, “the sky was the limit when it came to public benefits. I loved the fact that I could get top-notch insurance for my entire family paid for by Alaskan taxpayers. Now, I’m not saying that the insurance we get from Fox News is shabby, mind you, but the deductibles and co-pays are killing me.”

Knowing now what she knew then, Palin was asked why she doesn’t give more support to the teachers in Wisconsin who have lost their ability to bargain for better health insurance benefits, Palin said “Because. We don’t live in Wisconsin.”

As Sarah Palin Lays Low, Her Doppleganger Continues to Rile the Masses

The controversy surrounding the shooting of Arizona Congresswoman, Gabrielle Giffords has kept Sarah Palin in the spotlight, causing her to question whether or not public life is the path she wants to continue to pursue.  Just kidding.

However, the real Sarah Palin is showing signs of becoming weary of all the bad press she is getting and has therefore stepped back into the shadows for a bit until all the hubbub dies down.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t have a good hold on her evil twin, the Sarah Palin Doppleganger, who seems not to be affected by all the bad press and, in fact, appears to be going out of her way to create more controversy.

In fact, just a few days ago, Sarah Palin (the evil one) announced how honored she was to be chosen as the keynote speaker at the Safari Club International Gun Convention to be held January 29 in Reno, Nevada. And to show her appreciation, Ms. Palin, through her sponsor, a large guns and ammunition retailer, has promised to hand out replicas of the famous “Crosshairs Map” to the first 100 gun enthusiasts who register for the event.

We asked the Doppleganger what was in store for the future and she just smiled and said, “anything to keep those masses riled up, I’m game, but not in a safari sense.”

Three Stooges Make Rare Appearance after Tucson Shooting

The definition of a stooge, according to Merriam-Webster is: (1) one who plays a subordinate or compliant role to a principal; (2) puppet.

They may not be the original Larry, Moe and Curly, or even Shemp in this sense, but they are Stooges all the same. Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, and Glenn Beck continue to be manipulated by the big money that pays their salaries, and because of that, they have proven once again that even when they are caught with their hands in the cookie jar, they still won’t admit their hate rhetoric may have played a small but important part in shaping a young man’s political views.

The shooting of several people this past weekend by someone who is slowly emerging as a very troubled individual has many wondering how this could happen, as is always the case when tragedy strikes and answers don’t come quickly enough.

Blame slowly begins to be laid at the feet of anyone who may have remotely contributed to shaping the shooter’s mindset. For Sarah, Rush, and Glenn to deny any culpability and to even go so far as to try and place the blame on their political enemies goes beyond the realm of realistic. Yet that is what is expected of them if they are to continue receiving the big bucks from the guys who really call the shots.

The statements and actions by each of the Stooges during the past few years should directly implicate them whether they like it or not in this horrible shooting event, as they had no compunction whatsoever in giving their asinine views nonchalantly about guns, gun rights, political opponents and how to deal with political opponents prior to it. They may want to argue the point, but it is apparent that the Stooges gave their views with little regard as to whether or not a few crazies may actually act on the inciteful messages they were receiving via television or radio broadcasts.

Sure, a number of politicians and pundits from every political persuasion are guilty of using guns to get across their political points. After all, the subject of guns and the right to possess them is one of the most heated debates of our time. However, the rhetoric spouted by the Three Stooges is particularly incendiary due to their wild popularity with the right wing revolutionary populace in this country. Some of the words spoken by Sarah, Rush and Glenn were not only irresponsible, but they were obviously said with the purpose of riling up their base or the base of their puppet masters.

Let it not go unnoticed that since the tragedy, there has been a bit of back peddling being done by the Stooge Sarah as she tries frantically to distance herself from her SarahPAC map and what it really did depict, while Stooges Rush and Glenn seem to actually become even more defiant in their right to say anything they want regardless of whom it spurs to violence. After all, they aren’t the ones who are actually holding the weapons are they?

War between Barbara Bush and Sarah Palin Heats Up

It is becoming increasingly clear that the established Republicans don’t have much love for Ms. Sarah Palin. And it is also becoming crystal clear that Sarah Palin couldn’t give a rat’s ass if they do or not. In fact, she is going out of her way, it seems, to get them good and riled up.

Just recently, Barbara Bush commented to Larry King that Sarah Palin loves Alaska and then added that she should stay there. Upon hearing this, Palin chose to fight back against what she perceives as ‘blue bloods against the red bloods turning the whole right into a purple haze.’

Not one to back down, Barbara Bush, being interviewed in a follow up by Katie Couric, retaliated with “You can tell that uppity Miss Sarah that she’s nothing but an Alaskan Hussie,” as she showed off that characteristic smug smile the Bush family is so famous for.

The most recent barb (no pun intended) by Palin against the elderly Mrs. Bush came on the Fox News show when Sarah referred to the ex-first lady as a dried up old prune and intimated that there must be some kind of Alzheimer’s event going on in the Bush household for Barbara not to remember that it was her husband’s political machine that threw her (Palin) into the national spotlight in the first place. “They’re all just a bunch of Indian givers,” claims Palin.

From the looks of it, this fight is far from over. While Palin has the youth and stamina to go the distance with Granny Bush, Barb is no slouch. In fact, rumors are flying that Barbara Bush has recently hired a private fitness coach who just happens to write top ten lists for the David Letterman Show. As they say in the Olympics, ‘let the games begin.

Tea Party Chooses Rooster as its Animal Symbol

With the Tea Party gaining momentum after the latest mid-term elections, leaders of the up and comers decided it was time to start looking and acting like a bona fide third party by choosing an animal symbol their followers could relate to in the upcoming 2012 elections. The Democrats use the donkey as their symbol. The Republicans use an elephant. And now the Tea Party will be using the rooster.

Last month, the Tea Party sent out a poll to their followers to choose an animal symbol that best represented what they stood for. Among the choices were a bear, a badger, a tiger, and a bulldog. A special box for write-ins was also provided.

This past week, leaders of the party gathered the responses to the poll and were surprised at the overwhelming choice of a write-in animal. A rooster. While the bear ran a good race, supposedly due to Sarah Palin’s ‘mamma grizzly’ rhetoric, and the badger, because of his notable perseverance, ran a close third, the tiger and bulldog didn’t fare as well. Additional comments showed poll participants were smart enough to realize that the tiger isn’t a domestic animal and the bulldog was eliminated altogether because it was the English variety and not a common red-nosed pit bull.

The rooster response was quite a surprise. Some Libertarians weren’t even sure if a rooster was an animal. They claim it is more like a bird. They wondered if a bird was noble enough to represent their party. However, after realizing the symbol of the United States is a bald eagle, they put two and two together and determined that a rooster was just as much a bird as an eagle regardless of whether or not it was an animal and left it at that.

The party leaders aren’t exactly sure why the rooster got so many votes, but several theories emerged. For one, a rooster is considered one of the cockiest animals (or birds depending on whom you ask) alive. And no one can argue that the Tea Party candidates, especially Rand Paul, are considered quite cocky. But the leaders believe it was more than a cockiness trait that got the rooster nominated. They say it was probably due to the popularity of cock fighting, especially in the southern states, to settle scores. Most Libertarians regard a rooster as one of the bravest animals on the planet that will fight for a cause to the death whether they do it willingly or not.

“When you put it in that context,” said Cogburn Leghorn, Tea Party leader from Arkansas, “we couldn’t have picked a better symbol for our party. Not only are we stubborn, but we sure as hell like a good fight.”

Asked if a rooster was nothing more than a male chicken, and most people associate chickens with chicken-like behavior, Leghorn had this to say, “That’s just plum nuts. Now go away, boy, you’re a botherin’ me.”

Sarah Palin Makes Kate Gosselin the Face of Her Feminist Movement

Meet Kate Gosselin, Super Mom. The only thing missing is a strong man supporting her, but that isn’t deterring Sarah Palin from naming her the 2010 Feminist of the Year. It is also not deterring Palin’s strong political allies, Christine O’Donnell and Michele Bachmann from standing behind Gosselin and admiring her courage in the face of overwhelming odds to raise eight kids alone. In fact, they love Gosselin so much, they’ve re-formulated their acronym from BOP (Bachmann, O’Donnell and Palin) to GOP and B (Gossselin, O’Donnell, Palin and Bachmann).

Gosselin is hoping this latest endorsement of her coping skills will net her a prime place at the head of the Republican/Christian single men’s most desirable female list. “I just think it’s time to put myself out there for all the right guys to see what a catch I am,” said Gosselin in accepting the endorsement. “In fact, if I didn’t have eight kids, I, myself, would probably run for a senate seat. Those girls make it look so easy,” she said of Palin, O’Donnell and Bachmann. “Right now, I have one goal only,” said Gosselin with that knowing smile, “and if I told you what it was, I’d probably not be sentator material.”

Meanwhile, Jon Gosselin, upon hearing the news, laughed out loud. “Sure, go ahead guys, have at it. You want a strong woman? You’ll not find one stronger—willed that is,” he said.”Try going out of town on business trips, not taking out the trash, wanting some personal time when every available moment you have is taking care of the eight kids she so lovingly describes as angels, while Kate is out having her tushie waxed, her nails strengthened, and her weave re-woven. Come to think of it, she’d make a perfect senator.”

Candidate with the Biggest Mouth or Most Bizarre Message Wins

In the run up to the this year’s mid-term elections we’ve seen some of the most bizarre behavior and comments coming out of the candidates, especially those who claim to be ordinary Americans wanting to take America back. Come time to vote, unfortunately, those people stand to win and win big.

It’s not because of any message of hope they bring to an America that is hobbling around on a bum economy, but more because of who they are, what they believe in and how they get their message across or, in some cases, refuse to go on bona fide news shows to get their message across but rely instead on Twitter, Facebook, and the witticisms they pen in the front covers of their best-selling books.

We’ve finally tipped the scales in favor of the loonies. You have only to listen to things they’ve said prior to running as well as what they are saying on the campaign trail to determine there are some certifiable, unqualified whack jobs that may just be headed to Washington this fall.

To help voters out, here are a few tips that the candidate you’ve decided to vote for may not have all their absentee ballots in the same box:

1.       They are confronted with video clearly showing them bragging about dabbling in witchcraft and then explain it away as high school hijinx. Ok, we get it, but to be clear about it, we’d probably draw the line at eating an egg salad sandwich and some chips on a blood-spattered altar.

2.       They don’t just embrace the second amendment, they use witty double entendres to get their message across such as “she has your best interests in her sights,” and “she’ll target lower taxes for everyone.” But when she’s shooting a rapid-fire machine gun and telling potential voters “when it comes time to cast your vote, make the right choice,” that’s where you hope she doesn’t know how you voted or where you live.

3.       They like to choose who they sit beside at the lunch counter, and they don’t believe their speaking out against certain things such as silly old Civil Rights laws and their onus on business owners should be taken as anything other than pandering to corporate interests. That blue-plate special is gonna come at a mighty high price.

4.       When they want to espouse family values, and they don’t really have any to speak of, they generally just use someone else’s kids. Can you blame them? It is a well-known fact that kids, puppies and kittens sell. Wonder if the Humane Society is next on his list for purchasing a bit of surrogate heartstring tugging?

5.       When all is lost, they call for the dismantling of every governmental program that is actually doing something to better the quality of life of Americans like Social Security, Medicare and even the EPA. Sure, having a retired husband whose benefits extend not only to himself but also allows her to receive some of the best health insurance in the country thanks to the still working civil servants in this country paying into the (federal) Civil Servant Retirement System. Betcha even she is hoping she doesn’t get elected and have to make good on her promise to vote on doing away with those plans.

6.       They are great at running without giving any interviews. Oh, some will show up on Fox News, or the occasional local news station, but put them in front of someone who can actually ask informed questions and they act as if they’ve just been exposed to kryptonite. Unless, of course, you just happen to become a candidate with absolutely no explanation as to how you are unemployed but still come up with over $10,000 in filing fees to run for US Senate. The interviews, although few and far between, are a great comical diversion. What isn’t funny about the whole thing is that another fundamentalist Christian candidate who is hell bent on taking Obama down will most likely get that Senate seat due merely to the fact that there really is no contest.

7.       While some aren’t going to Washington, it doesn’t make them any more scary. Bada Bing, Bada Boom pretty well says it all. For those of you who aren’t from NY this phrase was popularized by James Caan in the movie “The Godfather,” and loosely translates to easily gotten and that’s what one candidate running for Governor of NY is hoping for in the upcoming elections. Fuhgetabout the fact that he is openly racist until, of course, it hurts his chances for election. Oh and lest we forget, he is pro-life and pro-gun, if that is at all possible.

While this list is by no means exhaustive, i.e. the dozens of candidates who use dead presidents, guns and demonic sheep to get their messages across, it is a pretty good sampling of who we can expect to be making our laws come November and if that doesn’t scare you, then go ahead and vote for them. You can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Christine O'Donnell Not Happy About Fielding Witch Jokes

When Christine O’Donnell of Delaware won the election to run for a United States Senate seat on the GOP ticket, she was all smiles, but it didn’t take long for the bones in her closet to start rattling. The biggest bone rattler of all turned out to be a very savvy Bill Maher, who just happens to be sitting on a gold mine of old Chris O’Donnell tapes from his old television show, “Politically Incorrect.” Maher has threatened O’Donnell that if she doesn’t accept his offer to appear on his new show “Real Time with Bill Maher,” he’s will release a video a week up until the election in November.

And just like the kidnapper who lops off his victim’s ear and sends it to the family for ransom money, Maher is quite serious. Last week, he released the first of more than 20 archived videos where a young O’Donnell admits she dabbled in witchcraft. This airing has not only hit mainstream media with a vengeance, but some pundits agree that it has spawned some of the best political jokes since those told back in the George Bush/Dan Quayle and Clinton/Lewinsky eras.

For instance, did you hear the rumor that an unauthorized biography is due out this week called “Christine O’Donnell—My Life, Warts and All?” Then there’s the one about how she hopes she never becomes as popular as President Obama. Why you ask? She hears the roasts can be brutal.

But it’s not all about witches. O’Donnell’s strict Christian beliefs have caused her to say a lot of things that have brought the proverbial shtick ball down on her head. For instance, O’Donnell has made it perfectly clear that she is totally against masturbation. Quipped one comedian, “There goes the male vote.”

So far, Bill Maher has already broken his promise of releasing one video per week by prematurely releasing another vintage video where Christine O’Donnell takes up the issue of telling lies and makes known her belief that telling lies in any situation is wrong. If this is true, O’Donnell is going to have to make a decision, stay true to her beliefs or forget about being a Senator.