Christmas Cancelled at Last Minute, Stores Deluged with Returns

No one saw it coming. The GOP surely wouldn’t make a move that would be so wildly unpopular with the majority of working America that it could jeopardize Christmas for the 99% who are trying to squeak by with just a tad of dignity intact.

Alas, Virginia, there will be no Christmas this year. Upon hearing the news that GOP lawmakers in the House voted down the measure to keep payroll tax cuts at least for the next couple of months, shoppers began pouring into the stores—not to buy more stuff but to return that which they thought they might be able to afford this year.

“We’re inundated with everything from Lego Building Blocks to Sony laptops,” said Marjorie Cartright, head cashier who is pulling double and triple duty at the Customer Service counter at Wal-Mart. “I’m sure glad the store will be open 24/7 up to Christmas, cause we are gonna need all that time just to get the merchandise back on the shelves.”

It would take a miracle to make the GOP House members realize their actions have ruined what could have been at least a mediocre Christmas for all those folks trying to pull themselves up by the bootstraps, as former GOP candidate Herman Cain suggested.

“I can’t afford boots,” said Mitzy Warner, as she struggled with two shopping carts full of Christmas gifts she was returning to the local Target store near her home in Kalamazoo, Michigan. “Thank God I had the foresight to knit some sweaters and scarves over the past one and a half years that I’ve been unemployed.” Warner claims that those knitted items will make an otherwise bleak Christmas at least palatable for her husband and three young boys.

Meanwhile, the local grocers are baffled as to how to ‘take back’ groceries that have no apparent defects. “Sure, we can take back the staples such as macaroni and cheese and canned items, but we’re not sure those partially thawed hams and turkeys are going to make it through the refund process,” said Noel Weinstock, assistant cashier at Kroger’s, who claims that although she is Jewish, even her family is feeling the pinch.

“There’ll be no dreidels spinning at our house this year,” claimed Noel with a whistful sigh.

Thank goodness the Mercedes and Porche dealers are doing alright, as well as other luxury item retailers. They are, in fact, reporting record sales for this past quarter.

“At least some families will be singing ‘We wish you a merry Christmas’ and actually meaning it this year,” said Wilberforce Billingsley, owner of several luxury vehicle dealerships in Chevy Chase, Maryland. “Without us, Christmas just might never have happened this year.”

John Boehner Hailed as Hero by Wealthiest Americans

John Boehner comes from a working-class background, and he isn’t afraid to let people know that. But what sets Boehner apart from most other working-class politicians is the way he’s taking up the cause of the wealthiest people in America--the folks who have everything they want and more but are treated poorly because of it.

“You may think it’s great to have a load of dough,” said Boehner at a recent Heritage Foundation meeting, “but these fellas go through life having to make their deals in private, meeting in back alleys and not ever knowing who their real friends are. If I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyeballs, I’d never have believed the problems all that money can cause for these guys,” he said.

As much as he wants to help them out, his not being in the same monetary league as them leaves him searching for solutions. “If I could just find a way to feel as wealthy as those who put me in office, I’d have this thing licked,” said Boehner. That is why, when he gets back to Washington after summer break, he is proposing a salary hike for lawmakers.

“We can’t relate to our most faithful constituents unless we have some kind of idea what these fellas are going through,” says Boehner. “While I’m pretty sure I’ll only be able to push through a modest pay increase for myself and my fellow lawmakers, it does send a clear and strong message to the guys at the top that we’re doing our level best to not make them feel like outsiders; that we’ll get there come hell or high water.”

Boehner says millionaires are troubled enough, but billionaires come with their own set of problems and he’s determined to make sure their lives are a little better for knowing him. “That’s why I wanted to get into public office,” says Boehner. “I saw a real gap between the haves and the haves a lot, and the way their problems grew exponentially without any real representation in Congress.”

Boehner says he’ll do everything he can to make sure billionaires catch the same breaks as other folks. “Who knows? They may just wanna go to a regular baseball game, have a regular beer and eat a regular hot dog,” said Boehner. “I’m joking of course,” laughed Boehner. “They’d much rather be golfing.”

Republicans Block Obama Proposal to Change National Anthem to Kumbaya

In an attempt to try to sell the public on the notion that both sides of Congress have come together for the common good of America in agreeing to disagree on most everything related to the national debt, President Obama, before going off to try and sell a second term to his constituents, suggested the National Anthem be changed to Kumbaya.

 Kumbaya is an African-American spiritual song which translates to "Come by Here" and through the years has come to symbolize peace, harmony and compassion toward our fellow man. It is a standard song sung around campfires, in cars by families heading out on the road together, and now, President Obama wants the song to replace the Star-Spangled Banner as our national anthem.

The move didn’t set well with Republicans as you can imagine. "First of all," claims Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), "before now, no one even knew what the song meant. Oh sure, it makes everyone feel all fuzzy warm when they sing it, I guess, but what the hell does 'come by here' have to do with America as a nation? Nothing."

Sen. Lindsey Graham chimed in as well. "I've listened to the lyrics and let me just say that Americans singing ‘someone's sleeping, Lord,' has terrorist attack written all over it. Once our combatant enemies see that we are asleep at the wheel, do you honestly think they aren't going to come after us? The whole thing makes us sound like we're just a country of namby-pambys."

When Senator Graham was told that the lyrics actually were four verses which included "someone's laughing, Lord, someone's crying, Lord, someone's praying, Lord, and someone's singing, Lord," Graham stated "Well then, that's worse. Makes us sound like we're all manic depressive."

The song proposal didn’t even make it to a House vote before being shelved. “I’d dare the President to come up with just one American to believe that the Democrats and Republicans really did come together for that debt ceiling vote. It was just a way to clear the slate so we could all go on vacation. This fight is far from over,” said John Boehner, who then told the press he’s taking a road trip up the New England coast with his family.

Shame," claims Obama. "I really thought we were coming together as a nation and changing our anthem would seal the deal. Guess we just aren't there yet, but I do have hope." To which Boehner responded, “Oh hell, if it makes him feel any better, I’ll get the kids to sing Kumbaya on the way to Martha’s Vineyard.”

John Boehner Submits Doodle Pages as Serious Debt Plan

Several sources in Washington who have been following the debt ceiling talks closely have indicated that a lack of golf has turned John Boehner into a bit of a monster. Tired of hearing the President intimate that his party is doing nothing to get the matter resolved, Boehner stood his ground and offered up one last debt plan which he believes the President will accept.

“It is my doodle pad,” said Boehner. Every idea I’ve come up with in the past couple of weeks is within those pages. I say if President Obama wants us to get serious about reducing debt and moving forward on a balanced budget, he’ll find everything he needs right there.”

“Of course,” Boehner continued, “I’d hope that he overlooks the caricatures I’ve drawn of him, and the anagrams I’ve made out of his name, such as 'Baa Crab Amok,' 'A Baa Bra Mock,' and my personal favorite 'Maraca Kabob.'”

Americans Losing Sense of Humor in Wake of Debt Ceiling Talks

Satirists are having one of the worst seasons this year trying to get Americans to laugh about their situations. With home foreclosures still at an all-time high, no real health care reform in sight, and now a deadlocked government where each side wants to see the other fail regardless of how it impacts the little guy, Americans just aren't in the mood to laugh.

“I wrote a story the other day about John Boehner’s golf scores suffering from lack of practice, and it got less than a hundred hits. With the keywords ‘Boehner’ and ‘golf’ alone, I usually get close to 300 hits. If I get the word ‘tan’ in there, which I did, I should easily have gotten over a thousand hits. My numbers are definitely in the toilet,” said Hubert McCain (no relation to John McCain, although we can’t be certain) who declined to disclose his hometown.

Speaking of toilets, even writers on toilet humor sites are seeing a drop in readership. What used to be the number one draw in sophomoric humor, farting stories are simply not getting any attention these days. Writers who bet the farm on websites centered around farting are losing big time. They are facing their own debt crises. “We’re in deep doo doo,” said one writer who even fell flat trying to joke about the fact that no one finds his poop stories humorous anymore.

“Historically,” said Happy Kline, “whenever there was a downturn in the economy, humor was about the only thing America had going for it and comedians and jokesters made a pretty good earning making sure things didn’t get too serious. But with this latest budget crisis on top of the housing crisis, terrorist thingie, and all those damned tsunamis and earthquakes, we are just not able to put on our clown faces and make anyone laugh anymore.”

McCain agreed. “I just don’t get it. We have some of the nuttiest political candidates we’ve ever had in our lives running for President in 2012 and not one person can find the humor in that. It’s said,” he said, “a real waste of material.”

Orange Man Boehner Delights Chinese Business Leaders, Disappoints Constituents

The Chinese, long associated with being the yellow race, have found a friend in a man whose face color reminds them of their grandfathers when they get very angry—orange. There is an old saying in China that goes something like “when my yellow grandfather gets a red face, he is an orange ogre.”

Businessmen from all over China have begun telling this ancient tale again after meeting and speaking with John Boehner, who, for all intents and purposes, has become the number one link between China and the United States Chamber of Commerce. A real Manchurian Candidate if you will.

Why are the Chinese so enamored with the orange man from Ohio? Clearly it is because he has promised to continue to allow almost every disposable piece of junk that Americans consume in this country to be made by overseas workers, overseas workers who have been so generously endowed with the jobs that Americans claim are being taken away from them.

Not only do the Chinese love and revere Boehner, but so do the American businessmen who are banking on the large tax cuts Boehner has planned for them if they take advantage of outsourcing even more jobs overseas. Nicknamed “Orange Aid,” Boehner plans on making it quite clear that the only way for large American businesses to thrive in today’s economic hard times is to be able to cut corners and the only way to do that is to pay foreign workers pennies on the dollar.

Asked what he tells his constituents who are out of work in his hometown district in southwestern Ohio, Boehner tells it like it is. “Stop your whining. If we made things here, they would cost you an arm and a leg. Be thankful there are countries who provide cheap labor so you can buy a Mr. Coffee for under ten bucks.”

John Boehner Changes Last Name to BAY-ner

Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) held a press conference last week to announce that he has started the process within the Ohio State court system to officially change his family name from Boehner (pronounced Boner) to BAY-ner (what he says is the correct pronunciation of his last name according to his official website). Boehner has tried unsuccessfully his entire career to convince his constituents and others that the correct pronunciation of his name is BAY-ner; however, that pronunciation has just not caught on.

Tired of the hang up calls left on his congressional office voice mail asking for Mr. Boner, Rep. Boehner was forced to take action. “Look, I’ll tell you what this is really about,” he said. “I have every intention of running for President in 2012, and I think that with people mispronouncing my name as Mr. Boner, I will not be able to demand the respect and serious consideration I will need while running a presidential campaign.”

The press conference was cut short due to uncontrollable laughter.