Tea Party Poopers Take Tea Party to Task

Seems a good many Americans are worried about their financial futures now that Standard and Poors recklessly downgraded the country’s credit rating to AA+. While they don’t get that S&P’s actions were politically driven and highly irresponsible, they do get that the Tea Party was behind it all.

This week, however, a new political action group, known as the Tea Party Poopers, was organized for the sole purpose of taking the Tea Party out of the equation come hell or high water.

“Although they’ve only been around now for a couple of years,” claims Ted Leigh, organizer of the Tea Party Poopers, “the Tea Party Patriots have wreaked havoc on our political system, and this latest ploy to gain attention by holding up the vote on the debt ceiling was the last straw.”

The Tea Party Poopers say they have a defense strategy to take down the Tea Party at all costs. “When they’re in Washington protesting, we’ll be in Washington protesting. When they have one of their elected goons vote down an important piece of legislation, we’ll have not one but two of our goons, er, elected representatives, counter that vote and cancel the no with a yes, or vice versa depending on the legislation.”

“Killjoy’s in town,” said another Tea Party Pooper member, “and our sole purpose for being is to take all the fun out of the little soiree the Tea Partiers have been hosting in Washington.”

“Exactamundo,” said Leigh, “We’re about to drain their beer tap, marry off their cousins, and pay the honkey-tonk singer to take the night off, so there ain’t no more reason for the rubes to stick around.”

Tea Party Chooses Rooster as its Animal Symbol

With the Tea Party gaining momentum after the latest mid-term elections, leaders of the up and comers decided it was time to start looking and acting like a bona fide third party by choosing an animal symbol their followers could relate to in the upcoming 2012 elections. The Democrats use the donkey as their symbol. The Republicans use an elephant. And now the Tea Party will be using the rooster.

Last month, the Tea Party sent out a poll to their followers to choose an animal symbol that best represented what they stood for. Among the choices were a bear, a badger, a tiger, and a bulldog. A special box for write-ins was also provided.

This past week, leaders of the party gathered the responses to the poll and were surprised at the overwhelming choice of a write-in animal. A rooster. While the bear ran a good race, supposedly due to Sarah Palin’s ‘mamma grizzly’ rhetoric, and the badger, because of his notable perseverance, ran a close third, the tiger and bulldog didn’t fare as well. Additional comments showed poll participants were smart enough to realize that the tiger isn’t a domestic animal and the bulldog was eliminated altogether because it was the English variety and not a common red-nosed pit bull.

The rooster response was quite a surprise. Some Libertarians weren’t even sure if a rooster was an animal. They claim it is more like a bird. They wondered if a bird was noble enough to represent their party. However, after realizing the symbol of the United States is a bald eagle, they put two and two together and determined that a rooster was just as much a bird as an eagle regardless of whether or not it was an animal and left it at that.

The party leaders aren’t exactly sure why the rooster got so many votes, but several theories emerged. For one, a rooster is considered one of the cockiest animals (or birds depending on whom you ask) alive. And no one can argue that the Tea Party candidates, especially Rand Paul, are considered quite cocky. But the leaders believe it was more than a cockiness trait that got the rooster nominated. They say it was probably due to the popularity of cock fighting, especially in the southern states, to settle scores. Most Libertarians regard a rooster as one of the bravest animals on the planet that will fight for a cause to the death whether they do it willingly or not.

“When you put it in that context,” said Cogburn Leghorn, Tea Party leader from Arkansas, “we couldn’t have picked a better symbol for our party. Not only are we stubborn, but we sure as hell like a good fight.”

Asked if a rooster was nothing more than a male chicken, and most people associate chickens with chicken-like behavior, Leghorn had this to say, “That’s just plum nuts. Now go away, boy, you’re a botherin’ me.”

Iced Tea Spiked with LSD Found at Tea Party Rally

A group of hippies, outraged that the Tea Party Movement is advertising their Saturday protest rally in Sen. Harry Reid’s hometown of  Searchlight, Nevada as a conservative Woodstock, decided to teach Palin and her cronies a lesson they’d not soon forget.

Disguising themselves as conservatives, tucking their long locks up into camouflage ballcaps, and spouting anti-Obama expletives, several older hippies infiltrated the rally and began spiking the community tea supply with real LSD.

Fortunately, only a handful of rallyers drank the tea before the prank was discovered. Of those who did trip out, it was like a scene right out of a Pink Floyd video. Joe and Marie Scottsman, a married couple in their 60’s began to strip off their clothes in front of everyone and declare to those around them that they were going to start an orgy and anyone who wanted to join in were free to do so.

Another elderly Tea Party follower was found wandering around in the surrounding desert collecting what he believed were moon rocks to sell when he got back to earth.

For an hour or two, there was total mayhem as the tea partiers passed around bad information regarding the spiked tea. “Don’t drink the iced tea from the Gulfstream down there over by the welcome tent,” said one PSA. “Do you know how many freakin’ Gulfstream trailers there are here today?” complained one concerned party-goer. Many others were confused in thinking that it was kool-aid that was spiked and not iced tea. Most everyone blamed Obama.

In the end, 47 tea partiers in all were being coaxed down by their conservative counterparts only to be told that they were now undesirable members because of their drug use, unintentional or not. Talk about a bad trip.

Succession and Secession Causing Palin Major Confusion

Sarah Palin speaking a few weeks ago at a rally for Rick Perry referred to news about Texans wanting to secede from the union, and said “…they got that wrong. Texas today, I don't think they're seceding, they are succeeding….”

Upon hearing of this, Debra Medina, the Tea Party candidate for Governor of Texas, called Palin to offer her services as a mentor on the differences between succession and secession, both terms being bandied about lately by the Tea Party movement and obviously causing Palin some confusion. In addition, Medina wanted to set Sarah straight on her (Medina’s) plans for Texas not to secede but instead restore sovereignty, a concept that may be foreign to Palin. We can only wonder how the lessons are going:

Deb: Ok, Sarah, here’s the first word. Succession, with two “c’s” and two “esses.”

Sarah: Oh, you mean like in success in running for office.

Deb: Well, sure, it could mean that, but we’re talking about another success, success-shun.

Sarah: I hate to tell ya Deb, but I’m not one to run from success.

Deb: Sarah, please, dear, focus. Now, for purposes of our lesson, the use of the word succession is improper. Nevertheless, lots of people in the Tea Party movement are using it to describe their desire to secede from the union, much like the idea you and Todd toyed with in Alaska. In actuality, the correct word is Secession, with an “e” not a “u.”

Sarah: What do you mean, Deb, I can’t be a part of it?

Deb: What?

Sarah: You said with an “e” but not a “you.”

Deb: Oh for heaven’s sake, Sarah, I said “u” not “you.”

Sarah: Well, if not me, then who?

Deb: Forget succession. It doesn’t matter anyway. Let’s talk about secession.

Sarah: I had those with all my kids.

Deb: What?

Sarah: C-Sections, way better than natural childbirth, I can tell ya that.

Deb: You have got to be kidding me.

Sarah: Do you mean “u” or “you” as in me?

[Deb gets up to leave.]

Sarah: Wait, Deb, where are you going? Aren’t we going to discuss your wanting to become Queen of Texas?

Deb (over her shoulder): What?

Sarah: Sovereignty. You said you were also going to give me a lesson on sovereignty.

Secessionist News Passes out Own Survey to Tea Party Attendees

A South Carolina independent rag known as the Secessionist News developed a Survey entitled “Where Do You Stand as a True American?” They hope it will be picked up and answered by lots of Tea Party Convention delegates in an effort to get a finger on the pulse of the true American. Here is a recreation of the survey in easy-to-read format. We hope to report the findings once responses start to trickle in. Feel free to give your own answers if you’ve a mind to.

Where Do You Stand as a True American?

Give yourself points for each correct answer as follows:

1 Point for Yeah
2 Points for Hell Yeah
3 Points for You Better Believe it, Son.
4 Points for Does a Bear Sh*t in the Woods?
5 Points for You Ain’t Just a Whistlin’ Dixie

1. Is the South gonna rise again?

2. Is Obama a (a) Segregationist; (b) Secessionist; (c) Socialist?

3. Do you believe the only direction America should be headed in is South?

4. Is putting a second mortgage on your trailer to see Sarah Palin speak your patriotic duty?

5. As the US Dollar gets weaker, will Confederate Currency make a comeback?

6. Should the Star Spangled Banner be replaced by Lee Greenwood’s Proud to be an American as America’s National Anthem?

7. Instead of nationalized health care, should America nationalize gun ownership?

8. Should the Confederate Flag fly side-by-side with Old Glory?

9. Should Glenn Beck be canonized while still alive?

10. Would you give your left nut to meet Rush Limbaugh?

11. Is Fox News Fair and Balanced and the only news station you can trust to not lie to you?

12. Are Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow the Devil’s spokespersons?

13. If Jesus were alive today, would he be a Tea Party Delegate?
Bonus Survey Questions (get 10 points each for correct response):

Can you spell Secessionist?
Is your favorite color red white and blue?
Can you fuc*kin’ believe that last election?

Scoring:

1-10 Points – Borderline Liberal
11-25 Points – You Can Hang Around With Us, But We Got Our Eye on You
26 -45 Points – Your Momma Must Be Mighty Proud of you Son
46-60+ Points – Get This Guy’s Measurements, Cause I Think We Just Found Our Next Grand Wizard