Word has it that old Beelzebub is furious these days over being blamed for everything from pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s hoohah to Anthony Weiner’s bulging BVD’s. He claims that he’s tired of being a catchall for mankind’s failure to control their sexual desires.
“Why is it when I open the paper and read yet another story about a well-liked politician who’s been caught with his hand in his drawers, there is always a reference to some kind of evil making them do it?” says Satan. “I mean, for Christ’s sake, no pun intended, do you honestly think I waste my time on such piddly matters as this? I’ve got my hands full with deadly disasters like tornados and earthquakes. Seriously,” he continued, “hurricane season has just started. I’m full up man.”
Satan says that truth be told, he thinks if anyone should be blamed it’s Al Gore. “I mean really, didn’t he take credit for inventing the internet? It’s just like man to create something half-assed and then try to fix it after it starts causing problems,” said the frustrated Lord of the Underworld. “Did anyone ever think that free access to porn might be a problem somewhere down the line?” In fact, he claims that Al Gore may have just invented the internet so that he [Gore] could peruse live pornography in the privacy of his own home.
While on the subject, the Prince of Darkness claims that he’s sick and tired of wrongdoers invoking his name every time they get in a jam. “I am not kidding,” he said. “If I hear the phrase ‘the Devil made me do it,’ or ‘Idle hands are the Devil’s plaything,’ one more time, I swear to God I’m gonna smite someone.”
In closing, Satan had this to say, “Look, people, I’m not interested in the lesser sins like adultery or coveting thy neighbor’s wife or even his ass, or even his wife’s ass. The only way I’m gonna take the blame for your sins is if you commit some really big crime like genocide or act like a God when you know damned well you are just a mortal. Until then, quit trying to lay the guilt trip on me and fess up to your own shortcomings,” and with that, he lit a few wildfires in Arizona to prove his point.