Look out Satan, Freddy, Jason and the Screamer, this year you’re going to get your stiffest competition from Jesus. That’s right, a religious group in Baltimore, Maryland is taking over Halloween and Christening it “JesusWeen.”
“That’s pretty unfair,” claims Damian Warlock, owner of one of the many Halloween box stores springing up around the country. “You don’t see us dressing up like Satan on Christmas or opening Christmas box stores loaded with Freddy and Jason costumes complete with fake pumping blood masks just in time for the holidays do you?” Warlock says that while his store has always carried semi-religious items such as Crusader costumes and angel wings, he just doesn't see where stocking Jesus and various apostle costumes would be that profitable for him.
“The Christians have more holidays during the year than any other religion already," said Warlock, "so why do they need Halloween too? The whole thing is just getting so out of hand," he said.
Bob Holaroller, of Baltimore, an elder at the Church where JesusWeen got its start claims that instead of carving pumpkins and going around door-to-door begging for candy, children should be running through the neighborhood singing the Lord’s praises and getting free little Bibles. Holaroller has been touting JesusWeen for the past several years but says it has been slow to catch on.
This year, Holaroller has invested in outside hurricane shutters and full drapes for the trees outside his home to stave off the annual assaults of toilet-papering and raw eggs his family endures every JesusWeen.
“It’s not that folks are anti-religion,” said Warlock. “But come on, Get-Saved pamphlets and miniature bibles? Right there you run into trouble when you cut off the neighborhood kids’ chocolate supply. There’s bound to be trouble.” Warlock also claims that the re-naming of the holiday to JesusWeen is just plain stupid.
“If it were originally called SatanWeen, I could see the connection, but changing Hallow to Jesus? What does that mean?” asked Warlock who claims he's pretty certain any kid whose parents make him dress up like an Apostle for Halloween is gonna have a hard time at school come Monday morning.
Still, anyone who wishes to turn their life around and celebrate JesusWeen instead of Halloween can do so with a minimum amount of money. “Just take those sheets you were going to use as ghost costumes,” says Holaroller, “and wrap them around you like a Jesus robe. Use a rope for a belt, and voila, you can go from Satan to Savior in no time.”