Republicans Blame Millionaires for Creating Too Many New Jobs

The GOP National Committee issued a statement late Friday evening chastising its millionaire members for creating new jobs and making the Republican candidates for President look like fools when going after Barack Obama.

“The economy is recovering faster than we anticipated, jobs are becoming plentiful again, and we are having a difficult time convincing our constituents that any changes need to take place,” said John Hollingsworth, GOP spokesperson in Washington, D.C. “The whole thing is turning back in on us, and we have our millionaires to blame.”

The latest job numbers indicate that more than 240,000 new private sector jobs were added to the rolls in January, and the weekly unemployment claims dropped by another 12,000.

“You have to be freakin’ kidding me,” Newt Gingrich was quoted saying as he readied himself for a speech in Las Vegas ahead of the Saturday caucus. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this information?” he asked no one in particular.

A Gingrich spokesperson has reportedly said that if the situation worsens, meaning jobs become even more plentiful, Gingrich is ready and willing to bow out of the race and let Mitt Romney suffer the ire of his supporters for the job creation fiasco that seems to be gaining momentum.

Mitt Romney Not Ashamed of his Tons of Millions

Yo Quiero Mi Dinero?

The media, for lack of better things to do, seem to constantly be nipping at Mitt Romney’s heels about how wealthy he is. But for all their efforts to make him look like a rich fat cat, the best they’ve been able to accomplish is to provide Romney a platform on which to flaunt his financial success.

“My God,” said Romney at a $10,000 a plate dinner in Boca Raton, Florida, “If that money wasn’t going to me, it would just end up in someone else’s pocket. I’m just not getting what the big deal is. I’m rich, get over it,” he said to a cheering audience.

“He’s sending the right message,” said Thornton Bancroll, one of the richest donors to Romney’s cause.

“Seriously, tonight Mr. Romney asked a damned good rhetorical question. He said ‘Wouldn’t giving up my wealth be an insult to every person in this room?’ and no one here tonight could argue against that kind of logic. 

Romney says he isn’t bitter at the press, and in fact, he welcomes the dialogue about money. “At least when they are talking about how filthy rich I am, they aren’t digging up more of my ancestral roots. I mean, really, Mexican? Who saw that coming?”

Christmas Cancelled at Last Minute, Stores Deluged with Returns

No one saw it coming. The GOP surely wouldn’t make a move that would be so wildly unpopular with the majority of working America that it could jeopardize Christmas for the 99% who are trying to squeak by with just a tad of dignity intact.

Alas, Virginia, there will be no Christmas this year. Upon hearing the news that GOP lawmakers in the House voted down the measure to keep payroll tax cuts at least for the next couple of months, shoppers began pouring into the stores—not to buy more stuff but to return that which they thought they might be able to afford this year.

“We’re inundated with everything from Lego Building Blocks to Sony laptops,” said Marjorie Cartright, head cashier who is pulling double and triple duty at the Customer Service counter at Wal-Mart. “I’m sure glad the store will be open 24/7 up to Christmas, cause we are gonna need all that time just to get the merchandise back on the shelves.”

It would take a miracle to make the GOP House members realize their actions have ruined what could have been at least a mediocre Christmas for all those folks trying to pull themselves up by the bootstraps, as former GOP candidate Herman Cain suggested.

“I can’t afford boots,” said Mitzy Warner, as she struggled with two shopping carts full of Christmas gifts she was returning to the local Target store near her home in Kalamazoo, Michigan. “Thank God I had the foresight to knit some sweaters and scarves over the past one and a half years that I’ve been unemployed.” Warner claims that those knitted items will make an otherwise bleak Christmas at least palatable for her husband and three young boys.

Meanwhile, the local grocers are baffled as to how to ‘take back’ groceries that have no apparent defects. “Sure, we can take back the staples such as macaroni and cheese and canned items, but we’re not sure those partially thawed hams and turkeys are going to make it through the refund process,” said Noel Weinstock, assistant cashier at Kroger’s, who claims that although she is Jewish, even her family is feeling the pinch.

“There’ll be no dreidels spinning at our house this year,” claimed Noel with a whistful sigh.

Thank goodness the Mercedes and Porche dealers are doing alright, as well as other luxury item retailers. They are, in fact, reporting record sales for this past quarter.

“At least some families will be singing ‘We wish you a merry Christmas’ and actually meaning it this year,” said Wilberforce Billingsley, owner of several luxury vehicle dealerships in Chevy Chase, Maryland. “Without us, Christmas just might never have happened this year.”

Typos in Small Town Newspaper Story Puts Herman Cain in Awkward Position

The Leaderville Picayune-Messenger is in hot water after a typo throughout a news article wasn’t caught in time. The error is making Herman Cain out to be one horny old man, but this time, it was not intentional.

Evidently, whoever edited the story about Herman Cain moving out in front of the elections once again this past week didn’t realize they did a global replace, making the news story about Cain’s erection, not election. While the story has been retracted, the damage has been done. Here are some excerpts in case you missed the original story.

“…and while Herman Cain believes his growing erection results are a clear indication that he’s the front runner once more…”

“…not only is Mr. Cain proud of the erection results he’s achieved in the past…”

“It is the women I want to impress in the upcoming erections,” said Cain as he…

“Mr. Cain told the crowd of a hundred or so supporters that his erection results couldn’t have come at a better time. ‘I’m ready, willing and able to get this job done,’ said Cain.”

“About his past meteoric rise in the erection polls, Herman Cain was quick to point out that he, alone, made it happen. My wife, God love her, doesn’t like erections all that much…”

“While Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich have both experienced good erection results of late, it is Herman Cain who may just outlast them all…”

“It’s erection time folks, and I just want to keep this up for as long as I can…”

Liberals Claim Calling GOP Candidates Turkeys Becoming Redundant

Rick Perry Doesn't Mind the Turkey Moniker One Bit

Liberal Democrats say it used to be fun to poke fun at the GOP candidates vying for their party’s nomination in 2012, but that is no longer the case. “It is no longer a challenge,” said Dennis Kucinich, who appeared before a group of Ohioans on the eve of Thanksgiving day.

“Turkeys always seem to get a bad rap when it comes being identified with Republicans,” he said. “Now, since I’m not a meat eater, I never really did understand why someone would disparage a turkey that way. If I had my druthers, I’d just call them all (Republicans, not turkeys) cabbage heads. Seems a bit more fitting,” said Kucinich.

Other liberals agree. “I used to chuckle every Thanksgiving Day before a big election,” said Sue Wombat. “Calling Republican candidates turkeys was very much a Thanksgiving tradition at our house. But there are so many of them, now,” she said, “and while they’ve all kind of earned that title, it just doesn’t have that fun ring to it anymore. In fact,” said Wombat, “there isn’t a lot this year to joke about or be thankful for, so calling a bunch of dodo birds turkeys is just redundant.”

Sarah Palin Jumps into Race to Save GOP

Today Sarah Palin is a hero to all the folks who have lost interest in their beloved GOP. She announced at a local Joplin, MO diner that she was indeed going to join in the race to become the GOP’s presidential nominee.

“We’d lost all hope,” said John Franklin, husband of Hope Franklin, no relation to the word hope in this sentence. “From Herman Cain, to Rick Perry to the present day sweetheart, Newt Gingrich, we Tea Party members have not yet felt any connection to a candidate like we did Sarah Palin. With Sarah back in the race, we are going to win all the way to the white house,” said Franklin.

Cheers went up when Sarah entered the Sweets n’ Eats Diner on the outskirts of Joplin, famous for its fresh strawberry pie. “I just love fresh strawberry pie,” said Sarah as she and husband Todd took a stool and sat through a meal of meat loaf and mashed taters, finishing off with a slice of the famous pie, albeit made with frozen strawberries as strawberry season is over.

Palin then told the crowd that no matter if something is served in season or out of season, “as long as you are famous for it, you have to serve it up,” and that is what she is doing by jumping back into the race. Palin also said she was tired of watching a bunch of amateurs vie for votes that she knows she could easily get just by showing up in Iowa. “I’m like that slice of strawberry pie.” said Palin, “You know you shouldn’t but you just can’t resist.”

Upon hearing the news, Historian Newt Gingrich commented, “She can’t do that can she?”

Herman Cain’s ‘Free Pizza for Votes’ Campaign Big Success in Florida

Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain is on cloud nine after winning the Florida Straw Poll by a wide margin. “Cain’s 37% beat Rick Perry by a mile,” said Zelda Hoppingale, of Hallandale, Florida. Hoppingale, 36, traveled with a group of fellow Tea Party delegates to Orlando, Florida for the Fox televised debate on Thursday and stayed over to catch the results of the straw poll.

“We like Perry and all,” said Hoppingale, “you know, cause he’s cute and all. But when we heard that Herman Cain was giving out free pizzas if we voted for him, well that clinched the deal, especially since I just lost my job and used every last cent I had traveling over to Orlando to see the debate.”

Hoppingale’s friend, Marge Schuster was a bit less enthusiastic. “I was all for this trip at first,” said Marge, “but on Friday night, we went to the Hess gas station near where we were staying and gave them our coupon for a free personal-size Godfather pizza. I gotta tell ya, even for free pizza, the stuff was pretty bad.” Schuster would not disclose who she voted for in the straw poll.

“I know I was supposed to vote for that Herman Cain guy,” she said, “but something in the pit of my stomach (she laughed) made me go for a non-pizza gifting candidate.”Asked once more who it was that  got her vote, Shuster said, “I’m not really sure of his name but I do know that he’s the one with a big fat Tiffany’s account.”

Psychiatrist Pressured by GOP to Recant Statements About 2012 Candidates

“They’re all pretty much a little nuts in my opinion,” claims Hans Bruchtern, Psy.D., resident psychologist at Tri-State Valley Hospital in Kentucky. Dr. Bruchtern was being interviewed for an upcoming magazine article focusing on the rise in personality disorder diagnoses in Americans within the past two decades. When asked what he thought about some of the outrageous claims Tea Party candidates such as Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry have made recently on the campaign trail, Bruchtern was extremely candid.

“Oh, it’s not just the fact that Tea Party candidates are saying loopy things,” he said. “Judging from what these candidates say they are going to do if they become President of the United States should have most Americans shaking in their boots. I think just about every candidate out there has some sort of personality disorder that needs to be treated, and if one of them is elected, we may just become the Untied States of America.”

Asked to elaborate, Bruchtern told the reporter “Honestly? I think they’re all pretty much narcissistic to some degree. Some more so than others.”

Bruchtern claims that the better-looking candidates such as Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann and Mitt Romney have gotten by in life on their looks and therefore, when they hit the campaign trail, “they pretty much think they can say what they want to get votes and people will just fall all over them. They honestly believe they are America’s only hope.”

Asked if there is a test out there that can be taken by the candidates to determine once and for all if, in fact, they do suffer from personality disorders and if so, are any of them a threat, especially if they do get elected, Bruchtern answered cautiously.

“Let’s look at someone who is definitely considered by the psychiatric community to suffer from borderline personality disorder, i.e. Dick Cheney,” said Dr. Bruchtern. Now mind you, no one will admit this, and I probably wouldn’t accept any invites from him to go hunting after giving this interview, but the fact of the matter is that man, to this day, still believes that waterboarding is not a form of torture. That, in and of itself, speaks volumes.”

Once the interview was completed, the reporter asked the good doctor to spell his name correctly for the publication. “Sure, said the doctor. That’s Hans, spelled J-o-h-n, Bruchtern, spelled S-m-i-t-h.”

Rick Perry Claims More 'Physical Conservatives' Need to Head to Washington

Yeah, ok, but what do fiscally conservative Republicans have to say about this?

Republicans Block Obama Proposal to Change National Anthem to Kumbaya

In an attempt to try to sell the public on the notion that both sides of Congress have come together for the common good of America in agreeing to disagree on most everything related to the national debt, President Obama, before going off to try and sell a second term to his constituents, suggested the National Anthem be changed to Kumbaya.

 Kumbaya is an African-American spiritual song which translates to "Come by Here" and through the years has come to symbolize peace, harmony and compassion toward our fellow man. It is a standard song sung around campfires, in cars by families heading out on the road together, and now, President Obama wants the song to replace the Star-Spangled Banner as our national anthem.

The move didn’t set well with Republicans as you can imagine. "First of all," claims Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), "before now, no one even knew what the song meant. Oh sure, it makes everyone feel all fuzzy warm when they sing it, I guess, but what the hell does 'come by here' have to do with America as a nation? Nothing."

Sen. Lindsey Graham chimed in as well. "I've listened to the lyrics and let me just say that Americans singing ‘someone's sleeping, Lord,' has terrorist attack written all over it. Once our combatant enemies see that we are asleep at the wheel, do you honestly think they aren't going to come after us? The whole thing makes us sound like we're just a country of namby-pambys."

When Senator Graham was told that the lyrics actually were four verses which included "someone's laughing, Lord, someone's crying, Lord, someone's praying, Lord, and someone's singing, Lord," Graham stated "Well then, that's worse. Makes us sound like we're all manic depressive."

The song proposal didn’t even make it to a House vote before being shelved. “I’d dare the President to come up with just one American to believe that the Democrats and Republicans really did come together for that debt ceiling vote. It was just a way to clear the slate so we could all go on vacation. This fight is far from over,” said John Boehner, who then told the press he’s taking a road trip up the New England coast with his family.

Shame," claims Obama. "I really thought we were coming together as a nation and changing our anthem would seal the deal. Guess we just aren't there yet, but I do have hope." To which Boehner responded, “Oh hell, if it makes him feel any better, I’ll get the kids to sing Kumbaya on the way to Martha’s Vineyard.”

GOP Considers Palin and Tea Party a Necessary Evil

While conservative pundits continue to say that Republicans are none too pleased about some of the crazy Tea Party candidates who have gotten themselves nominated for Republican House and Senate seats this year, they still have to admit that without them, the party doesn’t stand a chance in hell of taking back control of Congress.

The proof is in the way we are seeing staunch old school Republicans such as Karl Rove practically getting down on all fours and licking Sarah Palin’s Manolo Blahniks for handing them a Republican Congress in November. Rove can only imagine the Tea Party as a third party, instead of the red-headed stepchild of the GOP, and he shivers.

Talk about the Tea Party becoming a third political party is tempting only for the Tea Partiers themselves, not for the Republicans. Trying to keep Palin happy so she won’t take her influence and let that very thing happen is taking its toll on staunch Republicans like Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Karl Rove and others. You can see it in their body language when forced to share a stage with Palin, smiling through clenched teeth, nostrils flaring, fake cordials.

If you believe that Sarah Palin, herself is capable of getting the Republican Party to lick her boots, you overestimate her power. She is being driven by someone else’s money and quest for power. Someone who knows that the Tea Partiers need the Conservatives just as much as the Conservatives need the Tea Partiers. A break into two parties would mean a split in votes and the real possibility of the Democrats coming out on top.

To understand this a little better, one has only to look at what happened in the 2000 Presidential elections. It was George W. Bush taking on Vice President Al Gore and, say what you will, Gore was expected to win the election on the popular vote. In fact, Gore actually was elected President according to the popular vote. Some say that Ralph Nader, who ran on the Green Party ticket, took valuable votes away from Al Gore and cost him the election. While Nader vehemently denies this, the fact of the matter is many believe that is exactly what happened. And that is what could happen if the Tea Party were to splinter off into a third party.

Fast forward to 2010 mid-term elections. There are two parties—the Democrats and the Republicans. There is no third party, at least none that has candidates running in the election that could pull votes away from the Republican or Democrat parties. While the Tea Party movement members do have a tendency to lean toward conservative beliefs, they are not happy with the conservative agenda. They hate the thought of big business influencing Washington politics almost as much as they hate government running their lives. They don’t want to pay taxes but at the same time, they don’t want corporations to get a tax break while they suffer.

The Tea Party movements has its own agenda and it does not line up well with that of the Republicans. If they were a third party in the election coming up and their candidates were running against Republicans, it is a distinct possibility that Democrats would win the elections because Tea Party members would vote for their own candidates and there wouldn’t be enough votes to carry and election. By voting for their candidates, they’d pull votes away from the Republican candidates, making it difficult for them to get a majority vote as well. And certainly, Republicans would not be voting for the whackos running on the Tea Party ticket.

Makes one wonder if the Tea Partiers plan on ever really breaking away from the Conservatives and forming their own party. If they were running the show, it might have already happened. But the moment they teamed up with Sarah Palin and the money behind Sarah Palin, the game plan changed and the poor folks who signed on to the Tea Party Express were gobbled up by the very people whom they are fighting so hard against—big business.

For now, the Republicans consider the Tea Party a necessary evil and are going along with their far right agenda to ensure success in November. But after the elections, it may be the Tea Party that begins to shed their Republican skins kind of like the lizard people on the hit mini-series “V” years ago and if that happens, it’s anyone’s guess what kind of election year 2012 will be. One thing is for sure, any Democrat worth their salt will be cheering the Tea Party on.

Gang War Brewing Between Tea Party Movement and the GOP

Hicksville, USA - “You put him out there, now you reel him in, and fast,” said Senator John Bohner (R-Ohio), who surprised everyone with his sudden outrage directed at this young, Strom Thurmond-esque uber conservative known as Rand Paul, “or I’ll make a quick trip down to Kentucky and put an end once and for all to this little free radical.” This is just the latest in a line of threats coming from the GOP against the Tea Party Movement over newly elected Senate choice, Rand Paul, after Paul began to tell America how he really feels about the Civil Rights Act.

The issue that everyone believes is at the core of this territorial battle is Rand’s response to the question, “should private businesses be allowed to discriminate based on color or race?” which Rand is skirting, but nonetheless appears to be leaning heavily toward a big yes. But that isn’t truly what this is all about. Nosiree, it goes deeper than that, deeper than the Deep South itself. It’s about a root core of beliefs that go so deep, you couldn’t mine them up even if you used a 21” tube inside a pipe.

What this is about is a bunch of “loose lipped wild boars running roughshod over the decades of hard groundwork the GOP has laid for the conservatives in this party to have a set core of beliefs but, and this is an important but, to keep them hidden just below the surface so as to appear on their face to be anti-racist. We’ve worked hard at this and now this Rand fellow comes along and makes us all out to be hypocrites in one fell swoop,” said Karl Rove in an address to the Freedom Foundation of Southern Heritages in Mammysville, Missouri.

In response to the charge that Rand is giving the GOP a bad name, Sarah Palin has once again come forward as the not-yet-named-but-pretty-much-a-shoe-in spokesperson for the Tea Party Movement. “Ok, so here’s what we all need to do about this Rand fella, or is it Paul? Gosh I’m not sure if I should call him Paul Rand or Rand Paul. I sure hate those double first names, or is Rand a second name and Paul his first name? Who names their kid Rand anyways for gosh sakes?”