Koch Brothers Paying Gingrich to Run to Make Romney More Palatable

Seems these days no one wants to be in Newt Gingrich’s shoes and the only ones convinced that he should be our next President are himself and a handbag of Tea Party nutwings like Hermain Cain and Sarah Palin. Gingrich isn’t a stupid man, so it begs the question why does he continue to show up at rallies and declare himself the best man for the job?

Money. It always comes down to money. While it cannot be confirmed (in any real sense of the word in a meaningful way), some sources close to the Romney camp are saying things like “Let’s just say the money is on Mitt but the real money is on Gingrich.”  What?

Translation: The Koch Brothers are doing everything in their power to make their candidate, Mitt Romney look like the only option, including throwing money at the Gingrich campaign to keep Newt on the trail, spouting his ridiculous promises.

“The moon thing was my idea,” says David Koch. “I about laughed my ass off when I saw Newt up there telling America he was gonna put a colony on the moon if he was President.”

“He’s a smart man, but he’s so, so gullible,” chimed in Charles Koch. “I just love it when he tells folks how he’s responsible for keeping the Republican Party intact. That is just priceless,” said Charles. “Everyone knows it’s Koch money that is assuring the Republican Party’s success. Without us, the GOP would just be the same old boring song and dance, but when we jazzed it up with a little Tea Party dissent, it sparkled.”

Meanwhile, there are rumors in the Romney camp that Mitt is getting a bit anxious about actually becoming President. “I keep hearing rumors that being President means you actually have to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty occasionally,” said Mitt. “Wonder if it is too late to back out and just let Gingrich have the job.”

Atlanta Housewife Kim Zolciak Reveals Herman Cain Was ‘Big Poppa’

Newlywed, Kim Zolciak of Real Housewives of Atlanta fame dropped a bombshell yesterday by revealing that the man who paid for her lavish lifestyle in Atlanta was none other than Herman Cain.

“I had everyone wondering who Big Poppa was for the longest time,” said Zolciak. “I just didn’t know how to handle telling the world that Mr. Godfather Pizza was my sugar daddy, so I lied and let everyone believe it was Lee Najjar.”

Kim says people need to know something about her, that she’s not as dumb as she appears. “As soon as Big Poppa (aka Cain) told me he was interested in running for President of the United States, I decided to get myself out of that deal and quick. Hell,” she said, “he could never afford me on a President’s salary.”

As for Najjar, who made his money in real estate, Zolciak said she couldn’t believe people fell for that lie either. “I knew the real estate market would eventually go bust. I shudder to think what would have happened if I’d have fallen for Lee as a sugar daddy. I’d be broke as a church mouse right about now,” she said.

Zolciak says the only way to go these days is to latch onto someone in the entertainment business or in sports. “That’s where the money is. I chose Kroy (Biermann) because I knew the NFL strike wouldn’t last. I’m just so psychic when it comes to finding the right sugar daddy.”

Friends close to Kim agree. They say that Kim has a sixth sense when it comes to getting out of a relationship just when the going gets tough and finding someone to pick up where the other left off, so that her shopping habits never have to suffer. “She just knows when the well is about to run dry,” said Mitzi Moynihan, a close personal friend of Kim’s. Moynihan also let slip that Kim asked for and received one last gift from Cain before telling him to hit the road. "He paid for Kim's entire wedding to Kroy."

Meanwhile, in response to Zolciak’s statement, Herman Cain totally denied the allegations. “I don’t even watch that show,” said the now defunct Presidential candidate

Typos in Small Town Newspaper Story Puts Herman Cain in Awkward Position

The Leaderville Picayune-Messenger is in hot water after a typo throughout a news article wasn’t caught in time. The error is making Herman Cain out to be one horny old man, but this time, it was not intentional.

Evidently, whoever edited the story about Herman Cain moving out in front of the elections once again this past week didn’t realize they did a global replace, making the news story about Cain’s erection, not election. While the story has been retracted, the damage has been done. Here are some excerpts in case you missed the original story.

“…and while Herman Cain believes his growing erection results are a clear indication that he’s the front runner once more…”

“…not only is Mr. Cain proud of the erection results he’s achieved in the past…”

“It is the women I want to impress in the upcoming erections,” said Cain as he…

“Mr. Cain told the crowd of a hundred or so supporters that his erection results couldn’t have come at a better time. ‘I’m ready, willing and able to get this job done,’ said Cain.”

“About his past meteoric rise in the erection polls, Herman Cain was quick to point out that he, alone, made it happen. My wife, God love her, doesn’t like erections all that much…”

“While Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich have both experienced good erection results of late, it is Herman Cain who may just outlast them all…”

“It’s erection time folks, and I just want to keep this up for as long as I can…”

Herman Cain Claims Dapper Appearance Cause for Unwitting Female Attraction

“Herman Cain is a Dapper Dan,” said Herman Cain at a recent appearance before a group of millionaires who don’t care who he’s banging as long as he keeps their best interests to heart.

“Herman Cain can’t help it if sexy blondes throw themselves at Herman Cain,” said Cain as he once again denied ever acting inappropriately toward any females while CEO of the National Restaurant Association.

“Herman Cain is snappy dresser, plain and simple, but he (Herman Cain) is worn out with all the attention he gets from being so suave and debonair,” said Cain as he appeared very comfortable wearing an expensive cashmere sweater vest under an equally expensive charcoal grey double-breasted suit.

“Herman Cain’s wife, while very understanding, is just a tad angry at the fact that she married such a handsome devil who women just can’t keep their eyes off of, even at Herman Cain’s age,” said the presidential candidate as he stepped away from the podium and rubbed closely against a tall blonde woman who was standing in the audience.

“I just came to ask Mr. Cain a few questions for my local newspaper,” said Sally Sweetwater, “but I guess I bit off more than I could chew, standing so close to where Mr. Cain was to exit the podium.” Sweetwater says she can’t understand how all this got so out of hand, however.

“While he does dress pretty snappy, there is a certain smell about him that makes me wonder why any woman would want to get within ten feet of him.”

Herman Cain Story Most Readers Would Like to Read

With all the stories circulating about Herman Cain’s past sexual harassment charges, it seems everyone is jumping on the bandwagon to either assist him in proving or disproving the stories. While Cain sits high upon the fence, not yet ready to admit to any wrongdoing, speculators are coming up with some even wilder stories to make sure Cain doesn’t leave the political spotlight anytime soon. Here are some stories readers say they would pay good money to read:

Skeletons in Herman Cain’s Closet Have Boobs

Clarence Thomas Tells Herman Cain to Keep Hands off His Wife

Rick Perry Tells Herman Cain to Keep Hands off His Wife

Herman Cain Claims Black Hat is Source of All his Recent Troubles, Trades it in For White Hat

Herman Cain Takes Credit for Making Three Black Women Wealthier than When They First Met Him

Al Gore Tells Herman Cain to Stay Away from the Massage Table

Bill Clinton Tells Herman Cain to Stay Away from Cigars

John Edwards Tells Herman Cain to Lay Low, Preferably Under a Blonde

Herman Cain Claims Sex Had Nothing to do With His Sexually Harassing Those Women

Rumors Regarding Cain’s Viagra Usage Started by Georgia Pharmacist Turn Out to be False. Cain Only Admits to Using Enzyte.

Herman Cain Says Invite to lunch with Karl Rove and Dick Cheney Must Have Gotten Lost in the Mail

While none of the stories have been corroborated, it is fair to say that at least half or more of them will be given to research assistants in the next few days to determine if any have merit. Meanwhile, this writer would be glad to develop any one of the stories if asked.

Herman Cain Says Culling the Herds and Closing Cities Answer to America’s Woes

Last week, GOP candidate Herman Cain was asked to speak at a meeting of The Elite Club. He began his speech reiterating his idea that in order to fight the war on illegal immigrants, we must build a fence, electrify it, and put a sign on the Mexican side that says “it will kill you.”

While it is pretty much a foregone conclusion that most Mexicans trying to sneak into the country aren’t able to read a sign in English, we assume that is Cain’s genius at work to get rid of the pesky border hoppers before they reach American soil.

And so, it is no surprise that Cain then remarked that we shouldn’t stop at the borders. “It’s time to get rid of the lazy, shiftless people right here in America who are a drain on our society,” said Cain. “Perhaps we could start by lacing old folks’ oatmeal with poison with the same warning,” he said. “You know, ‘eat this and you might die,’ just print it in really, really small letters.”

“I’m just coming up with these things off the top of my head, so they’ll have to be thought through a little bit,” he said, “but I’m pretty sure getting rid of the folks who don’t really contribute to society any longer will go down well with the wealthy and get me elected,” he said to a very receptive crowd.

One other way Cain said we can reduce the drain on the rich is to totally raze unproductive cities and sell the land to mineral miners. “Take Detroit, for instance,” he said. “It’s sitting on top of millions of dollars worth of salt. Make the whole damn place a salt mine, put some of the riff raff to work, and tell the rest to get the hell out. Build little shacks along the edges of the salt mines and charge the riff raff to pay rent like everyone else, and you got yourself a going concern. Ain’t nothing wrong with big companies making a buck off the sweat of the people,” Cain said to rousing applause.

“We’ll literally make those folks go back to the salt mines.”

Hours later, Cain admitted he was joking. “Of course I didn’t mean it. Salt doesn’t really fetch the kinda dollars coal or natural gas does. We’d have to find a way to close the salt mines and just tell the riff raff to get lost. Then we could dig deeper, maybe look for diamonds or something,” he said. "Then we could go after other cities like Pittsburgh and Buffalo that don’t really contribute half what they would if they were razed and mined for minerals.”

Cain got a standing ovation.

Herman Cain’s ‘Free Pizza for Votes’ Campaign Big Success in Florida

Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain is on cloud nine after winning the Florida Straw Poll by a wide margin. “Cain’s 37% beat Rick Perry by a mile,” said Zelda Hoppingale, of Hallandale, Florida. Hoppingale, 36, traveled with a group of fellow Tea Party delegates to Orlando, Florida for the Fox televised debate on Thursday and stayed over to catch the results of the straw poll.

“We like Perry and all,” said Hoppingale, “you know, cause he’s cute and all. But when we heard that Herman Cain was giving out free pizzas if we voted for him, well that clinched the deal, especially since I just lost my job and used every last cent I had traveling over to Orlando to see the debate.”

Hoppingale’s friend, Marge Schuster was a bit less enthusiastic. “I was all for this trip at first,” said Marge, “but on Friday night, we went to the Hess gas station near where we were staying and gave them our coupon for a free personal-size Godfather pizza. I gotta tell ya, even for free pizza, the stuff was pretty bad.” Schuster would not disclose who she voted for in the straw poll.

“I know I was supposed to vote for that Herman Cain guy,” she said, “but something in the pit of my stomach (she laughed) made me go for a non-pizza gifting candidate.”Asked once more who it was that  got her vote, Shuster said, “I’m not really sure of his name but I do know that he’s the one with a big fat Tiffany’s account.”