Arnold Schwarzenegger Treats Sylvester Stallone to Elective Surgery

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone were spotted side-by-side at a local hospital on Thursday. While Schwarzenegger appeared to have just come from shoulder surgery, it was not immediately clear what Stallone was in the same hospital for.

That is, until Ahnold let the cat out of the bag. “I get lonely sometimes when I have to go into the hospital,” said Schwarzenegger. “It helps when I have someone there with me, so I offered to pay for some elective surgery for my buddy, Sly.”

Unfortunately, one of the procedures Stallone elected to have was a plumping up of the lips, which left him temporarily unable to utter intelligible words.

“That’s ok,” joked Schwarzenegger, “the guy has such a heavy accent, I never really could understand him.”

Both actors were expected to make a full recovery and be back on the set together in no time.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Accomplishes Biggest Lifetime Achievement

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been in the news a lot recently due to a story that broke regarding his fathering a love child with his housekeeper many years ago. While this is something he is definitely not proud of, the former Governor of California credits the scandal with bringing to an end one of the biggest irritations of his professional career.

What exactly is that milestone you ask? Actually, this is the first time since Schwarzenegger became a household name that everyone one from 3^rd grade up is finally able to correctly spell his last name without Googling it or putting a (?) next to it.

“I have been waiting for this day all my life,” said Schwarzenegger at a recent red carpet event. “I was beginning to think there really was a “t” in the middle of my name. And," he continued, "had I not constantly screwed up in my life, I may never have known the pleasure this day has brought me."

Schwarzenegger has some advice for fellow actors Zach Galifianakis and Shia LaBeouf.

“Get out there men and make some waves any way you can. It’s easier than you think. Just have unprotected sex with a maid or get drunk and run into a fire hydrant. Hell, guys, take drugs if that is what it will take to get your name in the headlines 24/7. Before you know it, you too will be able to read stories about yourself without finding that effin’ question mark following your name.”

California Voters Call for Retroactive Impeachment of Schwarzenegger

Schwarzenegger Family Portrait

Millions of California voters are jumping on the bandwagon calling for the impeachment of former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in order to cut off his government pension they say is helping fund his multiple households.

Mildred Commoner is a 36-year old paralegal living and working in San Diego. She and her husband, Paul set up a hotline immediately after the news broke asking Californians to stand behind a bill that would be the first of its kind to impeach a former governor for offenses committed before and during his tenure.

“We’ll be damned if we are going to pay for two or maybe even more households,” said Commoner. “We did the math and realized that Mr. Schwarzenegger knew this scandal, if revealed early, would spell doom for his political aspirations and so he kept quiet for over a decade. That alone is an impeachable offense.”

Ms. Commoner went on to explain that while she can’t positively say where the money came from to keep the governor’s mistress quiet throughout his 8-year term, she is willing to bet that some of it came out of the taxpayers’ pockets.

“We need to nip this in the bud now,” said Paul Commoner, “or next thing you know, we’ll be paying for all the other illegitimate kids he’s sired along with the real estate to house them.”

When reached for comment, former Governor Schwarzenegger merely stated he cannot be impeached as he is not a natural-born citizen of the United States.

Minute Details Emerge on Schwarzenegger's Infidelity

Arnold Schwarzenegger's mid-section
not happy about recent news reports

When a hot news story hits, you can count on the mainstream media to make sure they get all the facts, and bring them to you within minutes. The story may change a few hundred times throughout the days to follow, but one thing is certain, you won’t miss a single thing as a viewer. And, you can channel surf all you want, but the story and all those dirty little details will be the same no matter if you are a Fox fan or you prefer getting a less fair and balanced account.

The breaking story on Arnold Schwarzenegger fathering an illegitimate child is no exception. The news broke on Monday, and just hours after the initial shock began to wear off, there appeared a flood of minutiae on every news channel from local to cable. To be fair, in Schwarzenegger’s case, news reporters had been working on the story for years hoping their speculation that Schwarzenegger was indeed a douchebag would someday pay off handsomely.  And it did. The only thing they didn’t have were those pesky details. Until now.

Assistant Producer Len Samuelson of MSNBC says that the minute the story broke, “We were first in line to find out who the woman was and how the governor got her pregnant. It took mere seconds before our phone lines were flooded with people calling claiming to know exactly who, where, what, why and when the actual conception took place,” he said. “It’s that way with all stories,” he added. “You’d be surprised how much information people have out there, regardless of its truthfulness.”

Samuelson then went into all the details of the now infamous liaison. “Governor Schwarzenegger had just kissed his wife good-bye (actually it was more a quick peck on the right temple and a pat on the back) as she left to do some shopping for an upcoming baby shower for one of the household staff. He then (while whistling the theme from Disney’s ‘An American Tail’) went upstairs to change from his early morning jogging pants (you know, the loose ones that don’t allow his wife to see his junk get a little engorged as he watches the downstairs maid dust the many weightlifting trophies in the couple’s trophy room). Once changed into his tight shorts (you know, the ones that do show his engorgement to the female staff at the governor’s mansion when his wife is currently out shopping for baby shower gifts), Mr. S (who wants to keep typing Schwarzenegger?) then stood for a moment in the master bedroom wondering whether he should snag the upstairs or downstairs maid this particular morning (downstairs – Guatemalan, upstairs – Mexican; each equally amply endowed, but neither particularly beautiful. In fact, the upstairs maid could be best described as more handsome than beautiful, and a bit on the chunky side to boot, probably due to her advanced age). The upstairs maid was wearing Mr. S’ favorite maid uniform this particular day, (black and white tuxedo-style unbuttoned down to the third, or maybe it was the fourth button)…

“You get the drift,” said Samuelson. “You’ll have to tune into MSNBC to get the rest of the sordid details.”

In addition to airing the smallest of details on the Governator’s sexual improprieties, the local news reporters were equally diligent in weaving the breaking story into their specialty newscasts.

Eric Laughteron, head meteorologist for the Channel 4 News Team in Sacramento began his Monday evening report with “Boy, oh boy, is there a cold front headed for Los Angeles. A frigid air mass is expected to settle over the usually sunny, warm city for at least the next several days…”

While tuning into Bruce Javelin, Action 4 Sports, got you this tidbit “…While we’re on the subject of hockey pucks…”