Minute Details Emerge on Schwarzenegger's Infidelity

Arnold Schwarzenegger's mid-section
not happy about recent news reports

When a hot news story hits, you can count on the mainstream media to make sure they get all the facts, and bring them to you within minutes. The story may change a few hundred times throughout the days to follow, but one thing is certain, you won’t miss a single thing as a viewer. And, you can channel surf all you want, but the story and all those dirty little details will be the same no matter if you are a Fox fan or you prefer getting a less fair and balanced account.

The breaking story on Arnold Schwarzenegger fathering an illegitimate child is no exception. The news broke on Monday, and just hours after the initial shock began to wear off, there appeared a flood of minutiae on every news channel from local to cable. To be fair, in Schwarzenegger’s case, news reporters had been working on the story for years hoping their speculation that Schwarzenegger was indeed a douchebag would someday pay off handsomely.  And it did. The only thing they didn’t have were those pesky details. Until now.

Assistant Producer Len Samuelson of MSNBC says that the minute the story broke, “We were first in line to find out who the woman was and how the governor got her pregnant. It took mere seconds before our phone lines were flooded with people calling claiming to know exactly who, where, what, why and when the actual conception took place,” he said. “It’s that way with all stories,” he added. “You’d be surprised how much information people have out there, regardless of its truthfulness.”

Samuelson then went into all the details of the now infamous liaison. “Governor Schwarzenegger had just kissed his wife good-bye (actually it was more a quick peck on the right temple and a pat on the back) as she left to do some shopping for an upcoming baby shower for one of the household staff. He then (while whistling the theme from Disney’s ‘An American Tail’) went upstairs to change from his early morning jogging pants (you know, the loose ones that don’t allow his wife to see his junk get a little engorged as he watches the downstairs maid dust the many weightlifting trophies in the couple’s trophy room). Once changed into his tight shorts (you know, the ones that do show his engorgement to the female staff at the governor’s mansion when his wife is currently out shopping for baby shower gifts), Mr. S (who wants to keep typing Schwarzenegger?) then stood for a moment in the master bedroom wondering whether he should snag the upstairs or downstairs maid this particular morning (downstairs – Guatemalan, upstairs – Mexican; each equally amply endowed, but neither particularly beautiful. In fact, the upstairs maid could be best described as more handsome than beautiful, and a bit on the chunky side to boot, probably due to her advanced age). The upstairs maid was wearing Mr. S’ favorite maid uniform this particular day, (black and white tuxedo-style unbuttoned down to the third, or maybe it was the fourth button)…

“You get the drift,” said Samuelson. “You’ll have to tune into MSNBC to get the rest of the sordid details.”

In addition to airing the smallest of details on the Governator’s sexual improprieties, the local news reporters were equally diligent in weaving the breaking story into their specialty newscasts.

Eric Laughteron, head meteorologist for the Channel 4 News Team in Sacramento began his Monday evening report with “Boy, oh boy, is there a cold front headed for Los Angeles. A frigid air mass is expected to settle over the usually sunny, warm city for at least the next several days…”

While tuning into Bruce Javelin, Action 4 Sports, got you this tidbit “…While we’re on the subject of hockey pucks…”